


Just Another

by Mooifyourecows



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: And Daichi's dad is Daddy squared, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends DaiSuga, Confessions, Daichi and Suga share a single brain cell, Drama, Getting Together, Humor, M/M, Mild Angst, Nakatani is best boy, Real spicy language, Romance, Sexual Themes, Slow-ish burn, just passing it back and forth, only mild spoilers for 4th season, please love my OC's, until they completely misplace it altogether
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-18 16:06:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 103,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21580309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mooifyourecows/pseuds/Mooifyourecows
Summary: Everything is changing. But in the midst of exams, plans for the future, nationals, and a tumultuous new fracture to his family life, at least Sawamura Daichi can always count on his friendship with Sugawara Koushi to stay the same.Or so he thought.
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 540
Kudos: 998





	1. Since the beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another bad hit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood:  
> [Sincerity is Scary](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1K93ioXL63c)  
> "Why can't we be friends, when we are lovers?  
> Because it always ends with us hating each other  
> Instead of calling me out, you should be pulling me in  
> I've just got one more thing to say"

There was something undeniably devastating about receiving a confession of love from your best friend.

“Anyway. Uhm, I just… wanted you to know.” Sugawara lowered his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck, skin flushed with what Daichi hoped was just the heat of the moment and not any actual truth behind his words.

Because there couldn’t be any _actual_ truth behind his words.

Daichi let out a breathy laugh. “What? Suga, you’re kidding, right?” 

A _look_ crossed his face and Daichi didn’t know what it meant but it felt like he had said the wrong thing.

The most wrong of anything he could say at that moment and Daichi had said it.

Sugawara’s hand slipped off of his neck and hung limp at his side.

“And what if I’m not?”

But he had to be, right?

He and Sugawara were friends. They were _best_ friends. Daichi was his Captain and Sugawara was his Vice. They didn’t… _feel_ those types of things for each other. They weren’t supposed to. They _didn’t_.

At least… Daichi didn’t.

“You’re… serious?”

Sugawara dragged his bloodshot gaze from his and stared over his shoulder.

“Yeah… I’m serious.”

_Seriously?_

Daichi reached up and forced his fingers through his short hair. He was serious? How was it possible? Daichi and Sugawara were _friends_. They were classmates. They were teammates. They weren’t…

“Suga, I’m sorry, I…” he gulped.

Sugawara lifted a hand and let out a laugh, eyes smiling, though the color had drained from his face. “It’s okay! That’s okay! I uh… just wanted to tell you. Don’t worry about it. Just go ahead and forget I said anything, alright?” He grinned and punched Daichi’s shoulder. “Never mind! I’ll see you in class!” He turned and strode swiftly across the courtyard in the direction of the school. He was halfway there before Daichi knew it, too far away for anything else to be said.

Too far for Daichi to ask him just what the hell that had been about.

* * *

“Hinata and Kageyama wanted me to ask you if you would let them have the gym key so they could do early morning practice tomorrow.”

Daichi almost didn’t even notice Asahi was talking to him until he placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

“Hm?” He looked up into his face and met his curious stare. “Huh? Oh. Uh, no. They’re going to wear themselves out. They can just wait to practice with the rest of us.” He bent at the waist and removed his shoes, bag swinging forward.

“That’s what I told them you’d say, but they asked me to ask anyway.”

Daichi straightened and switched his shoes for his indoor ones, stuffing his sneakers in his cubby. Asahi watched him silently as he went through the motions of slipping the indoor shoes onto his feet, trying not to stare absently into the distance as his mind continued to race over the events of that morning.

“Is something bothering you, Daichi?”

Daichi glanced at him.

He cocked an eyebrow, gripping the strap of his bag with both hands.

“Bothering me? No. Why? Is there something that I ought to be bothered by?”

They crossed the entrance, rounding boisterous and sleepy classmates as they readied themselves for the school day.

“Well, no. I guess not,” Asahi murmured. “It just... looks like something is bothering you.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know?”

Daichi hmphed. “Then why are you bringing it up?”

Asahi sighed. “You’re in a mood.”

“I’m not.”

“Whatever you say, Daichi.”

They walked in silence down the hallway. When they reached the staircase at the end of it, Daichi caved.

“So, uh… earlier… Suga confessed to me.”

Asahi stopped dead in his tracks and Daichi slowed halfway to the second landing and turned to him. Asahi stared up at him with wide eyes.

“He… he did?”

They fell silent as a trio of girls bolted past them, laughing and swatting at each other. Once they were gone, Asahi asked,

“What did you say?”

Daichi ran his fingers through his hair, the twentieth time since the conversation with Sugawara barely half an hour earlier.

“Shit… not much. I didn’t really know _what_ to say. So I just… apologized. And he told me to forget about it.”

Asahi gave him a _look_ and Daichi _knew_ he had said the wrong thing again- _again_ \- and frustration grew hot and irritated under his collar.

“Daichi…”

“What?” He leaned against the railing and worked his fingers yet again through his hair. “What was I supposed to say? He caught me off guard. I mean, one second we’re just talking about volleyball stuff and then suddenly he’s like _Daichi I gotta tell you something_ and the next thing I know, I’m getting confessed to.” He frowned. “I thought he was just messing with me but he was _serious_.”

Asahi joined him on his step and they continued slowly up the stairs.

“So you just… rejected him?”

“Well… honestly I don’t feel like I really did _anything_ but… I mean… yeah. What else was I supposed to do? He _confessed_ to me, Asahi.”

Asahi didn’t reply as they reached the second floor and turned to climb to the third.

“I don’t know,” he finally said, voice soft. “I just figured… I guess I thought you would… I don’t know.” He scratched his cheek. “Accept it, I guess.”

Daichi cast him an incredulous look. “Accept it? But I’m not… I’ve never…” He stared forward, growing more flustered by the second. “He’s my best friend. I don’t feel... _that_ way about him.”

They walked slowly down the hallway of third year classrooms.

“Yeah…” Asahi released a gentle sigh. He lifted his eyes from the floor and stared straight ahead. “Well… I guess that’s just what you had to do then.” He gulped and turned to him. A weak and not at all comforting attempt at a smile touched his lips but not his eyes, and he patted Daichi’s shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. I'm sure it'll be okay. I’ll see you later.”

He waved and continued down the hall towards his classroom and Daichi paused in the doorway of his own, watching him go.

_How unhelpful._

He dragged his fingers through his hair, convinced he would go bald at this rate, and begrudgingly turned his gaze to the inside of his classroom. When he didn’t see that familiar mop of grey hair, the tension he held in his shoulders fled and he let out a deep breath of relief.

He winced at the reaction.

In all the years that he had known and been friends with Sugawara Koushi, he had never been relieved to _not_ see him before.

It was an almost sickening feeling, that he actually preferred that his best friend wasn’t in the room, that he wouldn’t have to talk to him, awkwardly share the same space as him.

And why? Just because he confessed to have deeper feelings for Daichi than Daichi had for him?

So he had a crush on him.

So he was gay.

That was alright.

Daichi didn’t have a problem with that. He knew plenty of guys that swung that way. Not just guys. He was fairly positive that Kiyoko and Yachi were secretly dating, or at least hardcore crushing on each other. And the way Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were practically glued to one another... there was nothing straight about that, was there?

Daichi didn’t mind that Sugawara was gay. He really didn’t. He didn’t even mind that much that he had a crush on _him._

Even if it… changed things.

Daichi rubbed his eyes and went to his desk. He set his bag on it and dropped into his seat, the pain that shot up his tailbone doing nothing to drag him from his worries.

_It’s not a big deal_ , he told himself, even if he didn’t entirely believe it.

It was _kind of_ a big deal, after all… wasn’t it?

He let out a groan and scrubbed at his face.

“What’s wrong, Sawamura? Forget to do the reading again?” a classmate called from across the room.

Daichi forced a laugh and stood. “Nah, but I’ll bet you forgot to do the workbook, didn’t you?”

“ _Ehh_? _Did we have to?_ ”

Daichi chuckled and headed for the door. “Nah.”

“Sawamura you jackass!”

He went into the hallway and looked both directions, hands in his pockets. He needed to move around. He didn’t want to be sitting there at his desk when Sugawara did show up. He needed time to think, to remember how he was supposed to act around the guy who was supposed to be his best friend.

_Best friend._

_Totally platonic._

_Classmate, teammate, vice-captain._

Daichi headed for the stairs once more, deciding to waste time going to the bathroom, but not on this floor, where he might run into Sugawara.

Sugawara, his friend.

Who he rejected.

Daichi gnawed on the inside of his cheek. Was he too harsh? He hadn’t said much, not even that he didn’t feel the same way and couldn’t return his affections. But it was clear enough what he meant by apologizing, right? Daichi hated the ambiguity, but the thought of revisiting the conversation _just_ to tell Sugawara properly that he didn’t like him in that way and was refusing his confession… it made his skin crawl.

_Even I’m not that blunt_.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and turned down the second year hall.

It was probably fine. Sugawara had told him to forget about it. Clearly he understood what Daichi had meant. He must know that he had been rejected. He had even smiled and told him not to worry about it. Said it was okay.

It was okay.

Everything would be okay.

They were best friends, after all. This was just a tiny speedbump in their relationship but it was okay. Soon they would forget all about it and everything would go back to normal.

Daichi reached the bathroom and pressed a hand to the door to open it. His eyes slid sideways and he froze. Halfway down the hallway, Sugawara stood with Asahi and Tanaka. His arms were wrapped around Tanaka’s waist, head on his shoulder as Tanaka rubbed his back and Asahi gently stroked his hair.

Daichi’s hand slid off of the door and he turned on his heel and went back to the stairs.

Clearly it was safe to use the bathroom on the third floor.

Clearly nothing was okay at all.

* * *

“You’re sure off your game today, Sawamura.”

Daichi sent a withering glare to the captain of the basketball team. They leaned side by side against the window sill, each with bread in their hands. Daichi eyed his yakisoba pan with envy.

“It’s weird to see you so sulky. What’s wrong, get dumped?”

Daichi winced.

“Ohhh, I’m right?” He laughed.

Daichi punched his arm. “Fuck off, Nakatani.”

“Sawamura got dumped and I got yakisoba pan, ahhh, today is a good day.” Nakatani leaned his head back against the window, expression blissful.

“I didn’t get dumped,” Daichi finished off his bread and balled the plastic wrap into a wad and tossed it at Nakatani’s face. “It’s like you said. I’m just off my game today.”

Nakatani cocked a thick, arched brow. “Can the captain of the volleyball team really afford to be off his game right before nationals?”

Daichi turned towards the window and peered through the glass to where Sugawara and Hinata hit a volleyball back and forth between them in the courtyard down below.

After a moment, Nakatani hummed.

“Did you fight with Sugawara or something?”

Daichi braced the heels of his hands on the window sill. “Hey Nakatani. You’re a relatively popular guy, right?”

“Define _relatively_. And _popular._ Also _guy._ "

“You’ve probably been confessed to _at least_ once in the eighteen years you’ve been alive.”

“I feel like you’re just winding up to insult me.”

Daichi glanced at him. “What did you do?”

“About what?” Nakatani copied his position, leaning his hands on the window sill.

“Getting confessed to.”

Nakatani made a contemplative sound. “Man now I’m just more curious about this funk you’re in. Let me guess. Hmm… you got confessed to, and it’s put a strain on yours and Sugawara’s friendship because he thinks you’re gonna ignore him.”

“Guess again.”

“Okay, reverse roles. Sugawara got confessed to and you’re jealous that he won’t have time for you anymore.”

Daichi sighed. “Never mind.”

“Aw c’mon. Now I’m invested. Don’t close up on me yet.”

Daichi scowled at him. “Just answer my question then.”

Silence spread between them and Daichi watched as Hinata dove to receive the ball and sent it flying across the courtyard. Sugawara’s shoulders trembled, his hands pressed over his stomach. Even from that distance, Daichi could hear the sound of his laughter, like a practiced feeling in the pit of his gut, his memory of years and years spent at his side filling in the blanks.

“Well,” Nakatani finally spoke again. He cleared his throat. “Believe it or not, I’ve only been confessed to like… twice in my life. And since my first love is basketball—”

“You mean your first love is _yourself_?”

“I mean what I _said_.”

“Sure.”

Nakatani cleared his throat again, louder this time, coaxing a grin out of Daichi.

“I rejected the person both times,” he admitted. “And believe it or not, it wasn’t really about basketball.”

Daichi gave a faux gasp. “Impossible. Ball is life.”

Nakatani snorted. “Ball _is_ life. But I think I’m perfectly capable of balancing romance and ball, if I do say so myself.”

“Impossible.”

“You sure are saucy today, Sawamura.”

Daichi grinned but didn’t reply.

Nakatani stared through the window quietly for a moment before continuing. “I just wasn’t interested in who confessed to me. Which is pretty normal, I guess. There are people who accept anyone who confesses to them just to see if they’ll end up liking them eventually, but _eugh_ man that sounds like such a waste of time and effort. It just makes sense to wait for someone you’re actually interested in. That way, you don’t have to get the person’s hopes up, find out you still don’t like them, and then have to break up with them later. You know?”

“Yeah…” Daichi stared as Sugawara walked around Hinata, correcting his stance for receiving, and ruffling his wild orange hair before moving back to position. “I agree.” Daichi said. “Yeah… That totally makes sense. It’s kinder to reject them right away than lead them on.” He nodded and let out a soft sigh. He smiled at Nakatani, who watched him with one brow cocked. “Thanks, Nakatani.”

“Uhm… you’re welcome?”

Daichi punched his shoulder. “I’ll see you later. Tomorrow you better be quicker, because there’s no way I’m letting you get yakisoba pan two days in a row.”

Nakatani snorted. “Good luck Volleybrat _._ ”

“Likewise, Basketbitch.”

Daichi walked along the corridor, glancing sidelong through the windows at Sugawara’s and Hinata’s practice.

That was right.

It was better that Daichi had rejected Sugawara immediately. It would have been crueler if he had accepted his confession on cheap pretenses. Even if it hurt him to the extent that he would feel the need to seek comfort from Tanaka and Asahi and then avoid making eye contact with him all throughout class and then disappear immediately when the lunch hour began…

It was kinder that Daichi rejected him.

In a few days, everything would go back to normal and their conversation that morning would be ancient history. Daichi just needed to be patient. He needed to give Sugawara time. He needed to give _himself_ time.

Everything would be okay eventually.

He was sure of it.

* * *

Daichi draped the strap of his bag over his shoulder and walked to Sugawara’s desk as he gathered up his books.

“Hey Suga, you ready to head to the club room?”

Sugawara’s spine straightened slightly and he packed his things into his bag hurriedly. “Ah, actually, I need to go talk to Takeda-sensei about something first.” He pulled the bag’s strap over his head and rounded his desk. “Go on ahead without me.”

Daichi watched him flee the room without sparing him a single look. He let out a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair.

More time.

He needed more time.

That was fine.

Daichi left the room and glanced up and down the hall, but Sugawara was nowhere in sight. The halls were bustling with students eager to get to their club activities or home for the day and Daichi carefully made his way through them. He headed for the club room and told himself again and again that everything would go back to normal eventually. He just had to be patient.

He just had to give Sugawara time and space.

Duh one day wasn’t enough. It was still fresh, after all.

It was stupid of him to hope that he’d be ready to go back to normal after just a few hours.

Stupid.

Sugawara didn’t show up as Daichi dressed for practice. He didn't even show up as they all gathered in the gym and set everything up. It wasn't until the moment Ukai called for the team to run their warm-up laps around the gym that Daichi spotted him slinking in through the doors, chest rising and falling with heavy breathing, face flushed. He rushed to join Ennoshita and Kinoshita at the back of the group. Kinoshita said something and Sugawara laughed and wiped sweat from his forehead with the back of his wrist.

“Captain, lead the warm-ups please,” Ukai said, and Daichi ripped his eyes away from Sugawara.

_Stop letting it distract you._

He led the team around the gym at a jogging pace, snapping at Hinata and Kageyama to cool it when they started competing directly behind him, snarling and pushing each other. After their laps, they moved on to stretches and then grouped around Ukai as he hugged his clipboard to his chest and hummed.

“Let’s work on spikes and receives,” he said. “Kageyama, you set on this side of the net. Let’s go with… Sawamura, Azumane, Tsukishima, Narita, Tanaka on spikes. Sugawara, Hinata, Nishinoya, Yamaguchi, Ennoshita, and Kinoshita on the other side of the net, receiving.”

The team split, Daichi and the other spikers lined up on one side and the rest lined up opposite them. Tanaka claimed the spot first in line and let out a roar.

“Bring it on!”

Ukai took his place on the referee’s stand at the end of the net and turned his gaze on the court. When he was satisfied that everyone was in position, he blew his whistle, the trill echoing through the gym.

Yachi tossed a ball high into the air and Kageyama shifted underneath it. Tanaka watched it with sharp eyes and took two large steps to the left.

Right before Kageyama set the ball, Tanaka bolted forward and leapt into the air. The flat of his hand slammed into the ball and sent it soaring over the net.

On the other side, Hinata moved to receive the spike and it crushed into his wrists, knocked him back, and flew wild across the gym.

“Hinata, drop your elbows,” Ukai called and blew the whistle again, turning to Asahi. “Keep it going. No breaks. Nice kill Tanaka.”

Tanaka ran to the back of the line and Yachi tossed another ball up for Kageyama.

They ran through the drills at a breakneck pace. Spike, receive, spike, receive, Ukai calling out advice or encouragement with the trill of his whistle.

Several turns through the line, Daichi eventually found himself opposite Sugawara. The instant their eyes met through the net, Sugawara’s flitted away and his lips pressed into a thin line.

Daichi gulped and wiped his palms against his shorts, erasing the sweat that gathered there. The whistle blew and the ball flew into the air. Daichi went right, watching his target as it met and then left Kageyama’s hands.

Daichi jumped. His right arm cocked back and then swung forward with as much force as he could muster. His gaze flashed back to Sugawara before he made connection. Their eyes met and Sugawara looked away.

Daichi’s palm crushed into the ball and it hurtled over the net. He saw the destruction before it struck. His mouth opened and he tried to call out a warning as he dropped back to the court, but it was too late.

The ball smashed into Sugawara’s face and sent him to his back on the floor, hands instantly coming up to his nose and mouth.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Daichi ducked under the net and ran to him, the others already gathering around. “Suga, are you okay?” Daichi knelt at his side and reached for him.

Sugawara sat up, hands covering the bottom half of his face. Crimson rivulets of blood trailed through his fingers and dripped off of his chin, staining his white shirt.

“He’s dead,” Nishinoya said, leaning his hands against his knees.

Hinata cried out, “Suga-san don’t die!”

Daichi gently touched Sugawara’s elbow. “Oh my god Suga, I’m so sorry. Are you alright? Let me see—”

Sugawara twitched away from his touch and a shaky, wet laugh rasped from underneath his hands.

“I’m alright!” he said, but tears pooled in his eyes and his eyebrows trembled. “I’m okay. It doesn’t even hurt…”

Ukai and the others surrounded them. Kiyoko handed Sugawara a towel and he finally drew his hands away to take it. Daichi caught a glimpse of blood covering the bottom half of his face and his stomach dropped with guilt.

Sugawara pressed the towel over his nose and mouth, hiding the damage from view once more.

Ukai sighed. “You’re going to have to get that checked out.”

Sugawara didn’t argue, eyes locked on his feet.

Ukai looked around at the others, gaze finally falling on Daichi.

“Captain?”

Daichi glanced up at him.

“Take care of your Vice?”

Daichi gulped and nodded.

“I can go by myself,” Sugawara suddenly insisted. “I don’t want to take anyone away from practice—”

“I don’t trust you to make it to the nurse’s office alone,” Ukai straightened and waved the rest of the team back.

“Then Shimizu—”

“Shimizu won’t be able to carry you if you collapse.”

The team dispersed, moving quickly back to their designated spots, and Ukai looked down at Daichi and Sugawara.

“Hurry up. You’re getting blood on the court.”

Daichi took Sugawara’s elbow and helped him to his feet. Sugawara didn’t speak again as he led him across the gym to the door. Once outside, he pulled his elbow from his grip, murmuring,

“I can walk.”

Daichi’s hand hovered. “Are you sure? You can lean on me if—”

“I’m fine, Daichi.”

The tone of his voice suggested he not argue any more.

They walked in silence towards the main building of the school. Daichi’s eyes moved across Sugawara’s face, stomach twisting at the sight of the blood seeping through the towel. Sugawara didn’t spare him a glance, staring straight ahead.

“Suga, I’m really sorr—”

“Got quite the arm on you, Captain,” Sugawara interrupted, words somewhat muffled against the towel. “I shudder to think what would have happened to the geography of my face if it had been Asahi in your place instead.”

“Are you suggesting I can’t hit as hard as Asahi?” Daichi attempted a teasing tone.

“Are you suggesting you _can_?”

“Definitely not.”

Sugawara snorted but then let out a whimper, eyes squeezing shut momentarily with fresh moisture pinching in the corners.

“You okay?” Daichi asked, new worry sweeping over what was almost a relaxed moment between them.

Sugawara sighed and cracked his eyes open again, still not looking at him. “Yeah.”

They were silent as they approached the school. Then as Daichi opened the doors for him, Sugawara muttered,

“I shouldn’t have looked away. That was stupid.”

“I’m not sure it would’ve made a difference,” Daichi admitted. They turned down the corridor that led to the infirmary. “It was my angle. It was too high—”

“Are you sure you didn’t do it on purpose?”

The way he said it suggested that he meant the accusation to sound like a good-natured joke, but the way his eyes lowered to the floor said otherwise.

Daichi’s heart ached.

“I swear I didn’t,” he said, voice soft. “It was a bad hit. I’m so sorr—”

“I’ve never heard you apologize so many times in one day before,” he interrupted again.

Daichi’s mouth went dry. “Well, I’ve never hit you in the face with a volleyball before.”

Sugawara hummed. “That’s true. Today is just _full_ of firsts for us, isn’t it?”

Daichi winced.

“After all, you’ve never rejected a confession from me before either.”

“Suga I’m sorry—”

“Gettin’ kinda tired of hearing those words from you, Captain.” He tacked a short laugh on the end of the statement but it lacked sincerity.

They reached the door to the infirmary and Sugawara paused and turned to Daichi, finally meeting his gaze.

“Thanks for walking me,” he said. “I’ll take it from here. You should go back to practice before Kageyama and Hinata kill each other. Coach can’t handle them all by himself.”

Daichi swallowed, hesitating.

“Suga…”

He paused, giving Sugawara the opportunity to cut him off, prevent him from saying more.

But he didn’t.

“How long?”

Sugawara was silent for a long moment and then let out a gentle huff. He turned for the door and twisted the handle.

“Since the beginning.”

Daichi didn’t breathe again until the door had long since closed behind him.

* * *

Sugawara didn’t come back to practice.

As soon as the gym was cleaned, Daichi ran all the way back to the infirmary. The nurse was still there, but she was alone.

“Excuse me,” Daichi drew her attention to the doorway. He paused to suck in several deep breaths and then asked, “Did Sugawara go home?”

“Well, he’s probably home by now,” she said, pulling on her coat. “I had to send him to the hospital.”

Daichi’s blood ran cold. “The ho-hospital?”

“Yeah, needed stitches.” She tapped her bottom lip. “And he was complaining about some disorientation and nausea so I thought it best he got checked out for a concussion.”

The guilt, which had already been eating away at him the entire rest of practice, fully consumed him.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “Thank you…”

He left the infirmary once more and walked dejectedly through the halls to the front of the school. He picked up his bag where he had ditched it earlier and went outside. He could hear and see the rest of the volleyball team far up ahead, making their way down the hill. Hinata was on his bike, Nishinoya standing on the back pegs and shouting a war cry while Kageyama chased after them, calling Hinata every name in the book.

Normally he would run to catch up with them. But he didn’t want to feel their questioning stares, tell them that Sugawara had gone to the hospital. He didn’t want to receive their pity or their accusations as the one who had done it to him. He didn’t want to wonder who, other than Tanaka and Asahi, knew about that morning.

He didn’t want people to tell him that it was all his fault.

Because it was, wasn’t it? Sure, Daichi hadn’t meant to hit him in the face. Of course he didn’t mean to do that. But it was Daichi’s fault that Sugawara’s concentration was off. It was his fault that he hadn’t been able to correct himself and receive the ball. It was Daichi’s fault because he didn’t like Sugawara the way Sugawara liked him and that _sucked._

_It’s going to be alright._

_He just needs time._

_I just need time._

He hung back behind the group, watching as one by one, the team dispersed until he was the last. Usually Sugawara was still with him at this point. In fact, he was with him for the entire journey.

Just one of the many perks of being next door neighbors with your best friend.

Another being that he didn’t have to go out of his way to wind up on the Sugawara doorstep, though, admittedly, he probably still would have, even if Sugawara lived all the way on the other side of the city.

He knocked on the door and waited, listening for the family dog's excited barking on the other side, followed by hushing.

The door opened on Sugawara’s mother, wearing an apron covered in flour.

“Oh, Dai-chan!” she said seconds before she was letting out a yelp and grabbing onto the doorframe as the Golden Retriever nearly knocked her legs out from beneath her in order to greet Daichi.

“Oof.” He caught the brunt of the dog’s attack in his stomach and bowed over to ruffle his ears. “Hey Buckwheat, it’s good to see you too.”

“Damn dog.” Sugawara’s mother straightened and propped her fists up on her hips. “I keep telling Kou he needs training.”

“Ah, he’s just excited,” Daichi said with a smile.

“Yeah, well that’s what Kou says too and yet I’m the only one he tries to run over at every opportunity he gets.”

Buckwheat dropped to all fours and looked over his shoulder at her, tongue hanging out of his mouth, tail wagging.

“Don’t give me that look.”

Daichi chuckled and patted his head one last time before straightening and adjusting the bag on his shoulder.

“Uhm, so… is Koushi home?”

“Hmhm,” she leaned her shoulder against the doorframe and crossed her arms over her chest. “His dad brought him home from the hospital a few minutes ago.”

Daichi gulped. “How… how is he?”

“Alive. Barely.”

Daichi winced.

She sighed. “They had to stitch up his bottom lip. Tore the thing right in half. It’s hideous. A total shame, considering his looks were the only thing he had going for him.”

Daichi lowered his eyes, wishing Sugawara was there to give him the ass kicking he deserved. “I’m so sorry…”

After a moment, she snorted and Daichi lifted his head to meet her gaze once more.

“I’m kidding,” she said with a smirk. “But I guess it’s safe to say that you’re the one who spiked the ball?”

Daichi bowed low, dipping into Buckwheat's reach and receiving a wet tongue on his cheek. “I’m so sorry. I swear it was an accident.”

She laughed and patted his shoulder. He straightened once more and she pinched his cheek.

“I was just playing around. He’s fine, really. He did have get stitches in his lip and he has a mild concussion but he’ll be good as new in a few days. Promise.”

Her assurance didn’t make him feel any less like the worst human in the world.

“Can I see him?”

Her smile gentled and she reached up and rubbed his hair, ruffling it out of the anxious rows he had created by constantly running his fingers through it over the course of the day.

“Doctor told him to rest. He’s been sleeping since he came home.”

Daichi lowered his eyes to Buckwheat, whose tail wagged in response.

“But you know…”

He glanced at her once more.

“Since he will probably have to miss school tomorrow, I’ll bet it would be really helpful if you collected all his work and brought it over after practice…” she tapped her chin.

“I can do that,” he said hurriedly. “No problem.”

“Thank you Dai-chan.” She ruffled his hair again and leaned away from the doorframe. “You’re a good friend.”

_No I’m not._

“Tell your dad I said hello, okay?” She took the door and whistled for Buckwheat.

“Yeah, thank you Sugawara-san. If Koushi wakes up, please tell him again how sorry I am.”

She gave him an “OK” sign with her hand and closed the door.

Daichi went next door to his house, releasing a giant sigh in the entrance as he removed his shoes and called out, “I’m home.”

He trudged down the hall, pausing inside the living room when his father answered him with a sleepy “Welcome home.”

Sawamura Rikichi struggled into a sitting position and draped himself over the back of the couch. He yawned and rubbed his eyes.

“Hey Dai,” he said, voice rough. “I hear you assassinated Koushi.”

Daichi groaned and forced his fingers through his hair yet again.

Rikichi let out a raspy laugh. “Kiddin’. But damn, seriously? My boy gave a kid a concussion with a single spike? Takes after his old man.” He flexed his arm and patted the impressive swell of muscle bulging beneath his t-shirt sleeve.

“I feel so bad,” Daichi admitted. “There was so much blood, Dad.”

“I’ll bet. He had to get like thirty stitches.”

“ _Thirty_?” Daichi’s mouth fell open and his stomach dropped.

Rikichi scratched his cheek, the sound of his fingers against the prickly hairs of his beard filling the otherwise silent living room. “Hmm, maybe it was ten. Or eight. I don’t remember.”

“Eight or thirty, which is it?”

“Ehh…” Rikichi disappeared as he lay back on the couch. “I don’t remember. Dinner’s on the table. Just take-out again. Sorry.”

Daichi stared at the space over the couch where his face had been.

“That’s okay,” he said, voice soft. “I’m going to eat in my room and get started on my homework, if that’s alright?”

Rikichi’s hand appeared, his nails chewed to the bed, and he gave it a lazy wave. “I’ll be here if you need me.”

Daichi hesitated and then turned and left the room. He stopped in the kitchen to gather up the containers of take-out that hadn’t been opened and picked at half-heartedly before left abandoned, still mostly full, in the center of the table. After swinging by the refrigerator and grabbing a bottle of water, he traveled up the hall, refusing to look into the opened doorway of the room at the end of it before turning and climbing the stairs to the second floor.

In his bedroom, he closed his door and set his food on the low table in the center of the room. He dropped his bag next to it and went to the glass door of his balcony. He peered through the window and across the short distance between his and the balcony opposite him at the Sugawara house. The curtains were drawn, the room on the other side dark and still.

Daichi gulped and pulled his cell phone from his pocket. He stilled momentarily at the sight of the notification indicating several missed calls and voicemails crowding his inbox. His thumb swiped the notification from the main screen. His heart was in his throat as he wiped his sweaty palms on the fabric of his tracksuit pants and typed out a message to Sugawara.

**_DaiMaster3000:_ ** _how are you feeling?_

He waited a full minute, still standing at the door, watching to see if a light would come on in the other room, if the curtains would pull aside. When nothing happened, he sighed and set his phone down on the table and stripped out of his tracksuit. He would normally shower at this time but his nerves were strung too tight for him to think about cleaning himself. He pulled on a baggy sweater and pair of sweats and sat at his table, casting a glance through the balcony door to see if anything had changed in the room across the way.

He checked his phone again but there were no new messages.

He reluctantly set it aside once more and started on his dinner, grateful that it was still at least half warm. He tried to concentrate on reading the required material for Japanese history, but his eyes drifted to the screen of his phone every few minutes, hoping to see it light up with a new message.

Eventually he managed to finish his food and a quarter of the reading before he gave up entirely.

He rested his chin on his opened textbook, arms extended in front of him across the table with his phone in hand. He lingered in his and Sugawara’s messages, idly fiddling with the chat’s color scheme. He changed the background to a picture of Buckwheat that he had taken at Sugawara’s that summer.

While sitting in the backyard, eating popsicles and melting in the sun, Sugawara had removed his floppy green hat from his head and strapped it onto Buckwheat’s, and Daichi had added to the look with his pair of sunglasses.

Daichi smiled, remembering how gleefully Sugawara had laughed and hung off of Daichi’s arm as he desperately attempted to get a picture before the dog eventually shook both of his accessories off and rolled on top of them, popping the left lens out of Daichi’s sunglasses.

“ _Hurry Daichi! Hurry!”_ Sugawara had practically shrieked at him when they had noticed the dog growing restless.

It was such a fond memory, one that felt so distant now. The carefree laughter and warmth of the summer day and Sugawara's body against his was so far away, completely out of reach.

Especially now that Daichi had ruined everything and Sugawara would probably never feel that comfortable with him again. He’d probably never allow himself to be so close, to hug his arm to his chest with his cheek pressed tight to his shoulder. He’d probably never again fall back to the grass in a fit of laughter, leg flying up in the air and then crushing down on Daichi’s thighs as he slapped his chest, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Daichi was pretty certain he had ensured that Sugawara would never do anything like that ever again.

He let out a groan and gently pounded his forehead against his book.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

He was stupid. And waiting for Sugawara’s reply was excruciating.

He chewed on the inside of his cheek, changed his chat name, and sent a stream of messages.

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _pls answer the sec u wake up_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _im rlly sorry i gave u a concussion_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _i promise i wont do ti again_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _ill let u punch me in the face as hard as u want tomrrw_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _so save ur energy and_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _feel bettr_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _sorry_

He finally forced himself to stop and tossed the phone behind him to his bed. After three hard slaps to both cheeks, he chugged the rest of his water and leapt back into the reading.

He read for another forty minutes before allowing himself to have a break to clean up the takeout boxes.

He carried them downstairs to throw them out and then spent the next few minutes cleaning up the kitchen, boxing up the rest of the takeout and storing it in the refrigerator. He then took out the trash and washed what few dishes were in the sink.

His father hadn’t moved from his spot on the couch, and when Daichi went to check on him, he found him asleep, one arm folded under his head, the other hanging off the side, fingers brushing the floor.

Daichi inhaled deeply and fetched a pillow and knitted blanket from the hallway closet. He gently lifted Rikichi’s arm and placed it back on the couch. The movement of Daichi repositioning his limbs and lifting his head to slide the pillow underneath didn't even cause a stir. Once Daichi was satisfied with how the blanket was draped over and tucked under his father's chin, he collected the four empty beer bottles from the floor and carried them to the garbage can.

Eventually there was nothing left to do to waste time down there and he went back upstairs. He resisted the urge to check his phone and took a long, hot shower instead, until the bathroom was filled with steam and his skin was red from the burning water. He took his time with the rest of his routine, brushing and flossing his teeth until his gums were raw.

Soon all there was left for him to do was to tuck himself in to bed. He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he shut off all the lights in the house and then settled in bed, setting the alarm on his clock. The numbers blinked at him, reminding him that he was turning in for the night an hour earlier than he usually did.

_I’ve had a long day._

_Ten is a good time to sleep anyway._

_Healthier._

Finally, when he was stretched out on his back under the covers and his cell phone was plugged in to the charger, he allowed himself to check it.

No new messages.

He rubbed his eyes and opened his and Sugawara’s chat.

**_Read_ ** _8:27 pm_

Daichi darkened the screen and set the phone aside.

He rolled over, pulled his blanket up to his chin, and didn’t fall asleep until midnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> This fic will be updating every Monday for the next 16 or so weeks. If you decide to keep reading, thank you! I look forward to going on yet another journey with you all <3  
> I promise it will get happier and funnier as it progresses so if you're wary about the melancholy in this first chapter, have no fear!  
> Your boy Moo won't let you down
> 
> I really like the Playlist for this fic so if you want to listen to it, you can find it here!:  
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=0C2qphGQRTm0Qo9vUBGf6Q)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> It doesn't hurt


	2. Be careful on the jump over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another deep cut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood:  
> [Stay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbNegEQ9jys)  
> "And I need you more than ever  
> But you said it's now or never  
> And you know my love's forever  
> And I say, you say, you'll stay  
> Just one more day"

“Captain, is Sugawara-san dead?”

Daichi resisted the urge to snap at his curious kouhai as they crowded around him in the club room after practice the next day.

“No, he’s not dead,” he said, stuffing his volleyball shoes into his bag. “He’s just got a mild concussion and was told to rest.”

Hinata breathed out a sigh of relief and Kageyama considerably relaxed, tense shoulders lowering from his ears.

“Should we visit him?” Asahi asked, pulling on his jacket.

“We can bring him meat buns!” Hinata suggested.

“I think that would be a bad idea,” Yamaguchi said, somewhat apologetically. “He probably shouldn’t be exposed to… well… loud noises.”

“So he shouldn’t be exposed to Hinata,” Tsukishima clarified, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hinata proved his point with a shout.

Daichi stood and held up his hands in attempts to placate the rowdy first years. “Now, now. Let’s not argue. But Yamaguchi is right. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to visit him. Let’s just give him time to recover before we all bombard him, alright?”

The first years hummed their agreement and dispersed. Daichi sighed and dragged the strap of his bag up over his shoulder, suddenly exhausted. Asahi and Tanaka approached him and he bit the inside of his cheek.

“Chikara, you owe me a popsicle!” Nishinoya shouted, chasing Ennoshita through the door where he had already attempted to make his escape with Kinoshita and Narita. “Don’t forget our bet!”

Ennoshita’s voice, somewhat muted by distance, answered, “It’s too cold for popsicles.”

“Only if you’re a coward!”

The rest of the team vacated the room, leaving Daichi with Asahi and Tanaka to bring up the rear.

“Did you get to talk to him yesterday?” Asahi asked as they headed out for the day.

Daichi stared straight ahead. “No.”

They didn’t reply for a moment. Then, Tanaka gripped his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Daichi-san.”

Daichi chuckled. “Is it?”

“It’s not your fault,” he said, voice softening.

Daichi gulped. “Isn’t it?”

He didn’t seem to have an answer to that. His hand slipped away and they walked in silence until parting ways.

When Daichi turned down his street, he took a deep breath. He had collected all of the work and notes for the day to deliver, but Sugawara had yet to reply to any of his messages.

He was ignoring him. Was probably still mad at him. Probably hated him. Didn’t want to see him.

Daichi didn’t know how he was supposed to make everything better. Which was a new feeling for him. Daichi was a problem solver, after all. When something didn’t go according to plan, he was one of the first to jump into action. That was his strongest attribute, his stability. His reliability. If he couldn’t figure out how to fix the relationship between him and his best friend, then just who the hell _was_ he?

Daichi walked to the front door of the Sugawara home and knocked, heart in his throat. Buckwheat barked on the other side and a moment later, the door opened. Sugawara’s mom smiled and greeted him, moving out of the way just in time to avoid getting knocked over by the excited Retriever.

Daichi leaned over to pet Buckwheat’s head, eyes on Sugawara’s mom as he asked, “How is Koushi today?”

“Cranky,” she replied with an exaggerated eye roll. “He’s been sleeping most of the day but the few times he has shown his face, it’s just _mom don’t feed me spicy stuff it burns my lip_ or _please stop fighting with the dog my head hurts_.” She scrunched her nose. “I can’t wait for him to be able to go to school and stop bugging me. School days are my _me_ -time, you know?”

Daichi chuckled. “Yeah…” He straightened and shifted his bag strap higher on his shoulder. “Can I see him? I brought his school work.”

She smiled apologetically. “He told me he doesn’t want any visitors.”

Daichi lowered his eyes. “Oh…”

She was silent for a moment and then hummed.

“I can’t let you up, but I _can_ tell you that the lock on his balcony door is still broken.”

Daichi lifted his gaze once more.

She winked. “I bet it’d be really easy for someone to sneak right into his room without anyone suspecting.”

He gulped and patted Buckwheat’s head. “You should really fix that lock. That doesn’t sound safe.”

She huffed. “I know! I told my husband again and again to fix it and he’s still slacking off!”

Daichi snorted.

She stepped out of the house and ruffled his hair. “I’m going to the store. Give it five minutes and sneak right over. I don’t want to be around in case things get violent.”

Daichi winced. “Is he that mad?”

“Him? Oh, I just figured you were desperate to see him in order to finish what you started.”

He groaned. “Sugawara-san I swear I didn’t do it on purpose.”

She laughed and grabbed Buckwheat’s collar. “Of course. Sure. I’ll see you around, Daichi-chan. Be careful on the jump over.” She winked again and closed the door.

Daichi sighed and made his way to his house.

Sugawara didn’t want visitors. The fact that he specifically told her that…

He scrunched his nose and kicked his shoes off in the entrance.

Well, that message was directed towards him, wasn’t it?

He might as well have said, _I don’t want to see Daichi._

Because that was what he meant, right?

“I’m home,” he said, walking up the hall. When he didn’t receive a reply, he paused in the living room, accidentally kicking a beer bottle across the floor. He inhaled through his nose and let it out his mouth. He moved around the couch and sure enough, his father was still there, unconscious.

It didn’t look like he had moved once since last night.

“Dad,” Daichi said.

Rikichi didn’t stir.

With a sigh, he set his bag on the floor next to the couch and gently tugged the knitted blanket off of his father’s legs. He folded it and draped it over the back of the couch before kneeling at Rikichi’s head.

“Dad,” he said again, patting his cheek. “You should sleep in your bed.”

Rikichi’s eyes didn’t open, but he let out a moan and mumbled, “No.”

“You can’t keep living on the couch.”

“Can.”

“Can’t.”

Rikichi groaned and tried to roll away. Daichi grabbed his shoulder and rolled him back. “Don’t make me get rough with you.”

Rikichi snorted and a large hand reached out and cupped Daichi’s chin.

“My baby boy,” he murmured in a low voice. “My boy.”

Daichi swallowed. He allowed his head to rest in his father’s hand and whispered, “Yeah.”

Rikichi hummed, his thumb stroking over Daichi’s skin. “My boy.”

Daichi placed a hand on Rikichi’s chest and gently rubbed. “Get up, Dad. You need to shower and sleep in your bed.”

Rikichi growled and rolled away, hand falling away from his chin. “No.”

Daichi huffed. “Alright. You asked for it.”

He stood and maneuvered Rikichi onto his back before tugging him up into a sitting position. It was no easy task. The man was built like a bull, thick and muscled and _heavy_. He groaned in protest but didn’t fight. Once Daichi got him in an upright position, he pulled one of his giant arms over his shoulders and dragged him off of the couch, gritting his teeth at the effort.

Rikichi stumbled against him, but eventually got his feet under him.

“C’mon,” Daichi said and carried him slowly down the hall. As they passed by the room at the end of it, Rikichi’s head hung low and he made a pitiful sound in the back of his throat. Daichi’s chest tightened and he quickened his pace to the stairs. “C’mon,” he whispered.

They somehow made it to the second floor without any mishaps and Daichi took him immediately to the bathroom.

“Don’t want to,” Rikichi groaned when Daichi turned on the water in the bath.

“Too bad,” Daichi said. He leaned him against the bathroom sink and grabbed the hem of his shirt. “When was the last time you bathed?”

“I’m not a baby,” Rikichi tried to push his hands away but Daichi persisted.

“I know you’re not a baby,” he said, dragging the shirt over his head. “You’re just drunk.”

“Not.”

“Says the guy who can’t even walk on his own.”

Rikichi didn’t reply. Daichi tossed his dirty shirt to the floor and then gave him a firm stare. His beard had grown even more unruly, the black hairs scraggly on his neck and cheeks. There was a faraway stare in his bloodshot eyes that made Daichi's stomach tighten with unease.

This wasn't Daichi's dad.

“Do I need to completely undress you?" Daichi said, averting his eyes from his face in hopes that it'd make the bad feeling in his gut go away. "Honestly I’d prefer to go my whole life and never have to undress and bathe my own dad.”

Rikichi rubbed his face with a large hand and Daichi side-eyed him quietly, waiting for his reply. Finally, he lowered his hand and released a sigh.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “Sorry. I’m good. Thank you.”

“Are you sure?” Daichi lifted his chin. “If I leave this room right now, are you going to take a bath, or are you going to go back to the couch?”

Rikichi's Adam's apple bobbed in his throat. “I promise I’ll wash up.”

Daichi hesitated, scrutinizing his face wordlessly.

Rikichi rubbed his eyes and then pulled him in for a sudden hug, thick arms crushing him to his chest.

Daichi wrapped his arms around his waist and leaned his forehead against his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Rikichi whispered. “I’ll do better.”

Daichi hummed and closed his eyes. “Yeah.”

They hugged for long seconds until Daichi slowly pulled away. Rikichi held him by the shoulders and squeezed.

Daichi cleared his throat and nodded. “Okay. I’ll leave you to it then.”

“Are you hungry?” He released his shoulders and Daichi took a step back. “I could whip something up when I’m done in here…”

“Take-out is fine,” Daichi said and moved to the door. “I’ll call it in when I get back.”

“Back? Are you going somewhere?”

“I'm breaking into Suga’s room and forcing him to let me apologize for assassinating him.”

Rikichi let out a barking laugh and the sound immediately erased the sick feeling in Daichi's stomach, enticing a smile to his lips as he stepped out into the hallway.

“Tell him I said hi!” Rikichi called.

“I will,” Daichi closed the door.

He went back to the living room to fetch his bag and then sprinted up the stairs and to his bedroom. He slid open the glass door and went out onto the balcony. The curtains on the other side of Sugawara’s balcony directly across from him were drawn, but they glowed with a warm yellow light from inside the room.

Daichi inhaled deeply and slung the strap of his bag across his chest. He climbed up onto the railing and slowly straightened. The gap between their balconies was narrow, no wider than a meter and a half, and Daichi had jumped it countless times in all the years they had been neighbors. Even so, the initial spike of anxiety that came when he balanced on the railing never faded.

He let out his breath and jumped.

It wasn’t graceful. He could never bridge the gap between them gracefully. Not like Sugawara, who always landed soft, quiet.

Perfect for sneaking into Daichi’s room and scaring him in the middle of the night.

Daichi could never sneak up on Sugawara like that though. His weight and lack of grace gave him away, every time.

Now was no different.

He heard a thump from inside the room, followed by hurried footsteps in the direction of the sliding door. Daichi darted forward and got his hands around the handle. The curtain fluttered and two pale hands from the other side grabbed it too. Daichi yanked sideways, gritting his teeth against the resistance of Sugawara trying to keep the door shut. But while Sugawara was the quieter and more graceful of the two, Daichi was stronger.

He wrenched the door open and pushed inside the room, narrowly missing bumping into Sugawara as he stumbled back, panting.

The instant Daichi finally got a look at his face, any lingering annoyance at having to wrestle his way into the room disappeared.

Dark bruising bloomed over Sugawara’s nose, lips, and chin, and a long gash was stitched together on the left side of his swollen bottom lip.

Guilt filled Daichi’s stomach and he felt sick. It was so much worse than he had imagined.

_Did I really do that?_

It didn’t seem possible. Daichi was no pushover, but he didn’t have nearly the amount of power that someone like Tanaka or Asahi had. How did he do something like _that_ to Sugawara?

“It looks worse than it is.”

Sugawara’s voice pulled him from his shame spiral. He reached up and scratched his cheek, not meeting Daichi’s gaze.

“A little tender,” he said. “But doesn’t hurt that much.”

Daichi gulped, eyes lowering.

“I’m so sorry.”

Sugawara huffed and walked over to his bed. He climbed onto the mattress and leaned his back against the wall, pulling his knees to his chest.

“Suga, seriously, I didn’t mean to do it and I feel really guilty—”

“If you didn’t mean to do it then there’s no point in feeling guilty.” Sugawara hugged his legs and leaned his chin on his knees. “So do you have my school work or what?”

“Yeah…” Daichi pulled the bag up over his head and opened it, pretending that the flat way he had asked the question hadn’t hurt. “You didn’t really miss much. I copied my notes for you but we were mostly just reviewing anyway so…” He moved to the bed and offered him a notebook.

Sugawara took it and tossed it onto the mattress next to him. “Thanks.”

They fell silent. Daichi closed his bag and rested it on the ground, hunting for something to say.

Anything.

In the end, all he could come up with was a soft, “My dad says hi."

Sugawara stared up at him quietly for a moment and then let out a small sigh. He patted the mattress and Daichi dropped onto it, flopping onto his back, head resting on the blanket at Sugawara’s hip.

Sugawara peered down at him, turning his head to rest his cheek against his knees.

“How is he doing?” he asked gently.

Daichi rubbed his eyes. “Tonight I had to practically carry him to the bath and I haven’t eaten anything other than take-out for dinner this past week but…” He stared up at the ceiling. “At least he’s talking again.”

“You can come over here to eat dinner.”

“And leave him at home?”

“Bring him with you.”

Daichi hummed. “Maybe it’s about time I learned how to cook.” He glanced into Sugawara’s face. “Will you teach me?”

“What makes you think _I_ know how to cook?”

“You can do everything.”

Sugawara didn’t reply for a moment. He looked away and murmured, “Not everything.”

Daichi swallowed. They didn’t speak for another long minute and Daichi wish he knew how to bridge this gap.

“How are you feeling?” he finally asked. “Does your head hurt?”

Sugawara carded his fingers through his hair. “Little bit. But not as much as yesterday. I’m going to school tomorrow. But I have to sit out in volleyball practice for another few days.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sugawara flattened his legs to the mattress. “Did you always apologize this much?”

Daichi didn’t reply.

“ _I’m sorry_ isn’t the kind of thing that gets more power the more you say it. You only have to say it once. I accepted it. Now, saying it again is like…” He huffed. “It’s like saying, _I have hair_. Yeah. I know. You don’t need to tell me. You definitely don’t need to tell me again. And again. And again.”

Daichi bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from apologizing again.

Sugawara sighed and rubbed his eyes, wincing when he bumped his nose.

“I’m a little tired,” he said. “Can you just go for now?”

Daichi sat up, struggling to keep the hurt from his face at getting so coldly shrugged off.

It’s not like he didn’t deserve it, after all.

“Okay,” he mumbled and stood. He grabbed his bag from the floor and slung it across his chest as he walked to the balcony door, where he paused to look over his shoulder. “See you tomorrow?”

Sugawara stared at him. He swallowed and gave a small nod. “Yeah,” he said softly, lowering his eyes to his lap. “See you tomorrow.”

Daichi hesitated one more second and then left the room, sliding the door shut behind him.

* * *

Nakatani dropped into the seat next to Daichi’s at the cafeteria table. He took a wolfish bite of his curry bun and watched Daichi with dark, curious eyes.

Daichi sighed but didn’t greet him.

After several seconds, Nakatani asked, “Don’t you usually eat lunch with Sugawara?”

“Don’t you usually mind your own business?”

“No.”

“Hm, that’s true.”

“You guys totally did fight, didn’t you?” Nakatani pressed. “I knew it.”

“We didn’t fight,” Daichi said.

“Then you _weren’t_ the one who royally fucked up his whole…” Nakatani gestured at his mouth and nose. “ _That_ situation?”

Daichi groaned and took an angry bite of his onigiri. “That’s unrelated.”

“To what?”

“To our fight—”

“So it _was_ a fight.”

“Fuck off, Nakatani.”

“Oh c’mon,” Nakatani finished up his bun and leaned his elbow on the table, propping his cheek against his fist. “You can tell me. Captain to captain. Right? We’re practically brothers.”

“I can’t even begin to tell you how wrong you are,” Daichi said. “I’d sooner call the captain of the soccer club my brother than you.”

“ _Yoshida_?” Nakatani gasped. “ _That_ guy? Really? But he’s like, _way_ more annoying than me.”

“Is he?” Daichi finished his onigiri and grabbed a second. “Yoshida never bothers me while I’m eating. Compared to you, he’s a fuckin’ angel.”

Nakatani stared at him silently for a long moment before straightening. “I want you to remember that. Because I guarantee one day I’m going to be able to use it against you.”

Daichi scoffed, “Yeah right.”

“Taking mental screenshots in my mind. Gonna pull out these receipts in a few months or so.”

“You’re so annoying.”

“Sawamura, I really appreciate how hard you’re fighting our inevitable best friend relationship, but you’ll see. I’ll get you one day.”

“ _Ugh._ ” He glared at him. “Not on your life.”

Nakatani smirked. “Just wait. You’ll see.”

“I’ll do no such thing.”

“ _Tch._ Sawamura why do you have to argue all the time?”

“You’re insane if you think I’m just going to roll over and _let_ things happen,” Daichi said. He pushed to his feet and glared down at him. “That’s just not how Sawamura Daichi works.”

Nakatani chuckled. “We’ll see about that.”

* * *

_Give him time._

_Give him space._

_Give him time._

_Give him space._

Daichi squeezed his hand into a fist, fingernails digging into his palm.

“Hinata is in good shape lately,” he said.

“Yeah.”

“It’s good to see him and Kageyama getting along for once.”

“Hm, yeah.”

Daichi chewed on the inside of his cheek and fell silent once more.

Walking home with Sugawara had never been so quiet and tense before. It sucked. It fucking sucked. But all attempts at conversation were coolly brushed aside with short, one word answers. He just couldn’t seem to bridge the gap Sugawara placed between them.

It fucking sucked.

But what was he supposed to do?

He just needed time.

Needed space.

Daichi did too, probably.

He needed time to understand that maybe this was just how it was going to be from now on. Maybe Sugawara wasn’t the one who needed time at all. Maybe he had already decided. Already accepted.

Accepted that he and Daichi would never be the way they used to be. Not anymore. Never again.

And how was _that_ fair? So that was it? Daichi and Sugawara were no longer best friends and _why_? Because Daichi couldn’t return his feelings? How the fuck was that _fair_? Was their relationship so shallow that Sugawara’s hope that they could be together one day was the only thing keeping them together?

And now that it was gone, shattered by Daichi’s rejection, he just didn’t want anything to do with him anymore?

_How is that fair?_

How cruel.

It was the way it always went though, wasn’t it? If you couldn’t give someone what they wanted, there was nothing left to keep them around.

And they left.

In the dead of night, without even saying goodbye.

They left.

Daichi and Sugawara walked up their street in complete silence. When they reached Sugawara’s house, Daichi slowed momentarily.

“See you tomorrow,” he mumbled and then continued on to his house, not sparing a look back.

It hurt.

_Fuck,_ it hurt.

His chest felt tight and his throat, choked up. It was so stupid, but it was unfair and it hurt and he didn’t know what to do.

_Give him time._

_Give him space._

Why? So he could fully pull away from him, erase all the years they spent together, as close as brothers? Did it mean nothing to him?

Daichi kicked his shoes off in the entrance of his house and tossed his bag to the side. He ripped his jacket off and threw it next to his bag, not bothering to hang it up. He could hear the television on in the living room, but he didn’t call out to his father or even stop on his way down the hall towards the stairs.

So that was it then.

Sugawara was done with him. He was pulling away. Leaving.

Whatever.

Everyone left, eventually.

Of course he wouldn’t be an exception.

Why would Sugawara be an exception?

He strode to the stairwell but then paused, eyes sliding to the door at the end of the hall. He gritted his teeth and stomped into the room, shoving the door wide until it bounced off the wall. His eyes swept across the mostly barren office, stilling on the small space still cluttered with junk.

The sight of the desk pushed up against the left wall made his chest cease up and cold fury spread like frost under his skin.

He grabbed an empty box from the floor and stomped over to the desk, urgency suddenly burning in his throat. He grabbed a stack of books and threw them into the box, tossing in a stress ball, a picture frame, a wooden figurine of a tree afterwards.

“Dai?”

Daichi yanked a picture off of the wall, bending the nail that held it up.

“What are you doing?” Rikichi’s voice turned frantic. Heavy footsteps rushed up to him and fingers grabbed his shoulder. “Stop—”

Daichi shrugged his hand away and shoved the picture into the box. He ripped open a drawer on the desk and started emptying the contents from it.

“Dai—”

Daichi pushed Rikichi away when he tried to stop him again. His breath was coming fast and hard, chest rising and falling quickly. He ignored Rikichi’s complaints and shoved past him to a bookshelf next to the desk. He hooked his fingers behind the books and jerked his arms back, sending them scattering to the floor.

“Daichi!”

A large palm fell to the back of Daichi’s neck, fingers hooking in the collar of his shirt, but he pulled away and lunged at the wall, cocking his left arm back.

“ _Aaaaahhh!_ ” He snapped his fist forward and drove it through a picture, shattering the glass and tearing the wedding photo inside.

“ _Daichi!_ ” Rikichi yanked him back, and as his fist left, the glass shards bit deep into his skin, drawing instant blood to the surface.

The pain sent him crashing back into reality and he gasped and stared down at his knuckles, quickly staining crimson.

Rikichi let out a stream of curses and wrestled him around to face him. “Fuck, Daichi what the hell has gotten into you? Shit, let me see it—”

Daichi pulled out of his grip. He bumped into the corner of the bookshelf, knees knocking together.

“Are you alright?” Rikichi asked. “Fuck that’s a lot of blood. Let’s go to the hospital—”

Daichi shoved past him and staggered to the door.

“Daichi!”

“I’m fine,” Daichi choked.

“But—”

“I’m fine!” He left the room and ran up the stairs, tuning out Rikichi’s calls. He ran to his bedroom and slammed and locked the door behind him. The blood dripped from his fingers in rivulets, splashing onto the wooden floor at his feet.

He panted and turned, eyes immediately sliding to the glass door. Across the way, he could see Sugawara in his room, folding his jacket over the back of his desk chair. He looked up and met Daichi’s gaze. Immediately, he averted his eyes, right down to Daichi's hand. His eyes widened and he walked swiftly towards his sliding door.

Daichi gritted his teeth and bolted across the room. He quickly locked his door and dragged the curtain shut, leaving red fingerprints on the fabric.

“Fuck,” he whispered. He pressed his right hand over his eyes, forcing the moisture that rose to go away. His heart was fluttering in his throat and his stomach twisted. He felt sick.

He shouldn’t have done that.

_God_ he should _not_ have done that.

He dragged his shirt up and over his head before knotting it around his hand to soak up the blood, walking backwards to his bed and falling onto it.

His phone vibrated in his sweatpants pocket and he reluctantly pulled it out. He gulped when he saw the notifications for his and Sugawara’s chat.

His thumb trembled as he opened the messages.

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _r u ok???_

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _daichi???_

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _what happnd?????????_

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _pls answer me_

Daichi locked the screen and was about to set the phone aside when his guilt made him pause. He sucked in a shaking breath and rolled onto his side. He clumsily tapped out a one handed reply.

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _im fine_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _was accdent_

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _how???_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _accident_

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _ok but how??_

Daichi squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deeply for a moment. His phone vibrated again.

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _im comin over_

Daichi held his breath and quickly replied.

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _no im fine_

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _im coming over_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _no_

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _yes_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _no_

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _yes_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _i wont let u in_

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _y not_

**_IWantToDie-chi:_ ** _becuz_

A minute passed by before Sugawara replied.

**_NoCarbNoSuga:_ ** _ok_

Daichi dropped the phone on the mattress and dragged a pillow up to hide his face in it.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he choked, voice muffled. “ _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._ ”

He shouldn’t have done that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this story won't stay sad forever, please forgive me for the angst.
> 
> Thank you so much to the people who have read it so far! And especially thank you to those who have commented! I appreciate your feedback to much and it encourages me to keep going. <3
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=IYzaN09vQn-rlr5X5eN61w)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> Get your shit together


	3. Loser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moods:  
> [comethru](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jO2viLEW-1A)  
> "Now I'm shaking, drinking all this coffee  
> These last few weeks have been exhausting  
> I'm lost in my imagination  
> And there's one thing that I need from you  
> Can you come through?"
> 
> [Way with Words](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFSmBahgFcc)  
> "Won't hold my breath,  
> Won't wait in vain  
> Won't single you out,  
> Won't lay blame  
> I won't protest  
> But I won't be the same"
> 
> [Should be Loved](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iCK2ltFavs)  
> "Stop staring, you're the reason I feel so unhappy all the time  
> Look, I've given you everything I know how  
> You're standing on the top of my shoe  
> You're keeping me from gaining ground, yeah  
> Look, I'm sorry if you feel like I let you down"

Sugawara had fucked up.

He had _really_ fucked up.

“So the past few days have _sucked_ ,” he spoke to his reflection in the full length mirror of his closet door. “They’ve sucked real bad.”

He propped his hands on his hips and glared at himself.

“ _Admittedly_ it was probably _super_ stupid to confess to your best friend right now. I get it. You were all hyped up on winning against Shiratorizawa and thought, _hey, what's the worst that could happen?_ It's okay, we all make mistakes when we're excited.”

He sucked in a deep breath, eyes wandering over the bruising of his nose and lips.

“But you need to get your _shit_ together, Koushi. Look at you. You look _pathetic._ ”

Sugawara lifted his chin.

“You _knew_ that there was a chance that things would turn out this way. You knew and you were ready for it and you prepared yourself. So where the hell did all that planning go? Huh? Seriously? Letting your mind wander in practice, getting your face realigned by your best friend and crush, planting the idea in his head that maybe he did it on purpose… dude who even _are_ you? No wonder he rejected you!”

His heart strained in protest and he winced.

“Now you’re accidentally hurting your own feelings. Get a grip, loser!”

He stepped closer to the mirror and jabbed at it with his index finger.

“You are Sugawara Koushi. You are the vice-captain of the Karasuno volleyball club. Your team is _going to nationals_ for the first time in _years_! You have a job to do! You have responsibilities! You have a best friend who you love more than anything in the world and who doesn’t love you back!”

His heart squeezed and he groaned, leaning his forehead against the mirror, eyes pinched shut.

“And you can’t stop hurting your own damn feelings,” he whispered. “Get your _shit_ together, Koushi.”

He gave himself a few more moments to collect his wits and straightened. He ran his eyes over his appearance, lamenting how _pathetic_ he looked, and then turned to grab his jacket from his desk chair.

The past few days had _sucked_. He spent the majority of them feeling sorry for himself and plotting a way to invent a time machine just so he could go and take back his confession.

_What a loser_.

He had confessed to his best friend, got rejected, and felt so damn sorry for himself that he wound up with a concussion and stitches in his lip and a pride bruised black and blue.

On top of that, his best friend was hurting, because of _him_ , and Sugawara wouldn’t even let him make it better.

Now was _not_ the time to confess. Daichi didn’t need more stress in his life. Not now. Not ever. It was so soon. _Too_ soon and Sugawara was a damned idiot.

“Get _over_ yourself, Koushi!” he scolded as he traveled down the stairs to the first floor. “It’s not that deep!”

But it was.

It really was.

“You’re up early,” Sugawara Kumi greeted him as he entered the kitchen. “Special occasion?”

“I’m forcing myself to have a brighter outlook on life!” Sugawara said with conviction and sat at the dining table. “So I confessed to my best friend and got _smacked the fuck down like the loser I am._ So what? Life goes on!”

Kumi hummed. “You confessed to Daichi-chan? How come this is the first I’m hearing of it?” She carried over an omelet and steaming mug of coffee and set them down in front of him.

“Because,” he sipped the coffee. “I’m still in the closet, remember?”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot.” She sat across from him and leaned her chin in the palm of her hand. “Rejection, huh? I didn’t see that coming. Is that why he looks like a puppy who has chewed on my favorite shoes every time I see him now?” She glared at Buckwheat as he came running into the room, a holey sock flopping in his mouth.

“One of the reasons,” Sugawara said and dug into the omelet. “I mean, he did destroy my face too.”

“Right. He’s had a busy week, hasn’t he?”

“Who has?” Sugawara Reiichi joined them and gently petted over Sugawara’s hair.

“Daichi-chan,” Kumi said.

“Poor kid.” He went to the coffee pot and poured himself a mug.

“I haven’t had a great time either, you know?” Sugawara frowned.

Kumi leaned back in her chair. “That’s true. Daichi-chan rejected his love confession.”

“He did?” Reiichi took a seat between them and cocked an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but keep that on the down-low,” Sugawara said with a full mouth. “I still haven’t told you guys that I’m gay.”

“Sure thing.” He sipped his coffee and then lowered it with a snap of his fingers. “You know what you should do? You should ask Souta for advice. He got _tons_ of girls in high school.”

“Yeah but those girls asked _him_ out,” Sugawara said. “And they all only lasted like, two weeks at most anyway.”

“Still, he must have done _something_ right to get so many girls to fall for him.” Kumi shrugged.

“Yeah, he’s good looking and acted completely uninterested.” Sugawara glared at them. “Unless you know how to make me suddenly like ten times hotter and twenty centimeters taller and also able to smother all the doki doki, gay love emotions I feel whenever Daichi walks into the room… find me some advice that actually works.”

Reiichi clicked his tongue and muttered into his mug, “Damn, you’re getting to be one of those _sassy_ gays.”

He hummed and finished off his omelet. He stood and carried his plate to the sink and rinsed it. “I’ve always been sassy.”

“Hey Koushi,” Kumi said. “When you finally come out to us, can you give me a warning so I can wear something nice and make sure I have a handkerchief to weep into like the world is ending?”

“That would ruin the surprise that the world is ending, and at the hands of your youngest homo son.”

“He’s got a point, Honey,” Reiichi said.

She pouted and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Anyway.” Koushi drank the rest of his coffee and rinsed the mug too. “I’m leaving early today. Daichi hurt his hand last night and doesn’t want to tell me anything about it so I’m pretty sure he’s going to try to sneak out so he doesn’t have to walk with me.”

“Go get him, Tiger,” Reiichi gave him a thumbs up.

“Invite him and Riki-kun over for dinner some night,” Kumi called after him as he headed for the front of the house.

“I _do_ ,” he said. “Just yet another way I get rejected by cruel and cold as ice Sawamura-san.”

“Have a nice day!” Reiichi sang.

Sugawara pulled his shoes on and slung his bag across his chest. “Bye!”

He left the house and strode up the path.

So the past few days have sucked.

Like, _really_ sucked.

So what?

Life moved on, and so did Sugawara Koushi.

He walked to the front of the Sawamura home and leaned his back against the stone wall surrounding the yard. He contemplated knocking on the front door, but decided against it. He didn’t want to have to face the father of the guy he was pathetically and unrequitedly in love with.

Especially not when said father was just as- if not more- attractive than his son.

It was hard, really, for Sugawara to exist when his next door neighbors were a pair of literal hotties of the hottest hot. Just how was he supposed to function normally when at any moment he could peek through his window and get hit with a heat wave more intense than a volcanic eruption?

The Sawamuras were _dangerous_ and bad for the heart.

A few minutes passed before he heard the click of a door behind him, followed by soft footsteps. He held his breath and waited until Daichi was pushing through the gate and closing it behind him. Their eyes met and a flash of surprise flitted through Daichi’s.

“Mornin’,” Sugawara mumbled, all of his positive confidence shriveled up and scattered in the breeze at the mere sight of the other boy, destroyer of hearts, captain of Sugawara's suffering.

It was the same every day.

It was so easy to bullshit his way through feigning a shiny new outlook on life when the cause of his torment wasn’t standing directly in front of him.

Daichi gulped and smiled. “Good morning.”

They turned and headed down the sidewalk in silence.

Sugawara glanced down towards Daichi’s left hand, but he had both of them in the pockets of his jacket, out of view.

_Ask him._

_Ask._

_Ask._

_Go on._

_Ask._

“How’s your hand?” he finally managed to murmur, too low for the goddamn positive vibes he was desperately trying to radiate.

_Damn you._

_Loser._

_Just be your usual self you loser._

“It’s alright,” Daichi said.

And he was _so_ much better at this than Sugawara.

Didn’t sound bothered at all, actually.

Sugawara’s heart clenched.

“Are you going to tell me how you did it?” he asked.

Daichi chuckled. “It’s not that big of a deal. Cooking accident.”

_He’s lying._

_He’s lying to you._

Sawamura Daichi was lying to Sugawara Koushi and he’s never done that before.

He’s never done that before.

Moisture pinched in Sugawara’s eyes and he hunched his shoulders up towards his ears.

_Positive outlook._

_Good, happy vibes._

_Just act like you normally would._

“Did you do the history reading?” Daichi suddenly asked, voice bright. Normal. Like it always sounded. “Shit it was so _boring_. I swear I almost fell asleep like eight times in the middle of it. I thought maybe it’d be helpful to write some of it down, but I got halfway through the first page and gave up.”

He was speaking so normally. He sounded the same as always, as if nothing had happened.

Sugawara bit down on his lip, teeth connecting with his stitches, and he winced and turned his head away when tears filled his eyes.

The past few days had sucked.

_Really sucked._

But the worst part was that it just kept sucking and Sugawara didn’t see any end in sight.

_Get your shit together, Loser._

* * *

“You’re avoiding him.”

Sugawara ignored the voice and turned the page of his history book with a hum.

Tanaka sat cross legged in front of him on the cobbled stones of the courtyard and sucked on the straw of his milk box.

“You’re avoiding him,” he repeated.

Sugawara let out a soft huff and snapped the book shut.

“I’m not _avoiding him_.”

“Then what’re you doing out here again?” Tanaka cocked an eyebrow. “You guys usually eat together. And yet ever since you confessed, you’ve been out here while he’s been in there.”

“Is there something wrong with wanting some fresh air?”

“In November? Suga-san it’s cold as fuck out here. My nips could cut glass.”

“Good for them.” He opened the book once more but Tanaka stretched out a leg and placed a foot in his lap, crinkling a page. “Tanaka I swear to god—”

“ _You’re avoiding him._ ”

Sugawara sighed and leaned back against the wall of the school.

“ _So what?_ ” He scowled. “So what if I’m avoiding him? Sure. Of course I am. I confessed to my best friend and got rejected. I’m _embarrassed_. Things are _different_ now. Daichi knows that I have feelings for him and nothing will ever be the same between us again. And worst of all?” His lip curled. “He acts like _nothing happened_.”

Tanaka removed his foot from his lap and leaned his elbows on his knees. “Isn’t that good then?”

“No.”

“Why not? You’re embarrassed, right? But if he’s acting like nothing happened, then you can just go back to how things were, can’t you?”

“ _No._ ” Sugawara closed his book and set it aside. He hugged his legs to his chest. “I don’t want him to pretend like nothing happened. I don’t want things to go back to how they were. I mean… I _do_. But that’s impossible. There’s no way that will ever happen. I confessed and he knows now.” Sugawara groaned and hid his face against his knees. “Oh god he _knows_ now.”

Tanaka sighed and shuffled around to sit next to him, close enough that their shoulders brushed.

“Hey,” he said. “It’s okay.”

“It’s _not_ ,” Sugawara moaned. “Why did I have to ruin everything? It was just fine when he didn’t know. I was fine being friends with him. I _like_ being friends with him. But now he knows how I feel and that _sucks_! Man that frickin’ _sucks_!”

“Why? Isn’t it good not to have to keep it a secret anymore?”

“No! No fuckin’ way!” Sugawara leaned his head back against the wall and stared at the sky. “It’ll never be the same. Sure, he _pretends_ like nothing happened, but from now on, everything I do, everything _he_ does, he’s gonna be thinking about how I have a fucking _crush_ on him. He’s going to feel awkward changing around me in the club room. He’s going to know I think… _that_ way about him and he’s going to be uncomfortable that his gross best friend totally jacks off thinking about—”

“Dude spare me the deets.”

“You know it’s true!” Sugawara scrubbed at his eyes. “You know it’s true. He can pretend all he wants but it doesn’t change the fact that shit is _different_ now and it’ll never be the same. But you know what?” Sugawara picked at his thumbnail. “It’s him pretending that hurts the most.”

Tanaka was silent.

“Like… it feels like he thinks so little about it all that he can just… act like it never happened.” Sugawara swallowed, vision turning glossy. “I’d prefer that he act different. Embarrassed. Uncomfortable. Anything but this. But instead, he acts like I never said anything. And yeah, I _told_ him to forget it. But I didn’t mean it.” He slumped against Tanaka and he wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “It’s selfish. But I want him to at least give me a little consideration,” he mumbled. “I want him to act like the fact that I’m in love with him impacts him in at least some small way. But instead, he talks about history reading and volleyball practice like I don’t… like I don’t even matter. My feelings don’t matter.”

Tanaka squeezed his shoulder. “You matter. Your feelings matter.”

Sugawara snorted and closed his eyes. “Tanaka, date me.”

“Sorry but my heart belongs to Kiyoko-san and nobody else.”

Sugawara let out a laugh. “You don’t have enough hair for my taste anyway.”

“Cold! You know I _am_ capable of growing hair, right?”

“Oh, will you grow hair for me?”

“Sorry, my heart belongs to Kiyoko-san and nobody else.”

“Then shuddup about growing hair, you idiot.”

Tanaka clicked his tongue. “Man, do I need to send you a pic of Daichi-san so you can go to the bathroom and jerk off to release some of this tension?”

Sugawara gasped and sat up. He punched him in the ribs and Tanaka curled over on the ground with a wince.

“I can’t believe you would speak so crassly to your senpai!” Sugawara pinched his triceps.

“You started it,” Tanaka groaned and struggled away from him. “I didn’t want to think about you jerking it to Daichi-san and his monster thighs but _you_ put the image in my head!”

“If I weren’t still injured, I’d kick your ass right now.” Sugawara planted his shoe against his bottom, leaving a dusty footprint on the black fabric of his gakuran pants.

“Oh boo hoo, you’re _so_ injured. You’ve got a bruise and a cut, _get over it_.”

“ _Get your ass over here and let me kick it_.”

They jumped up and Sugawara chased him around the courtyard for a few minutes before they both collapsed against the wall, panting heavily, sweat dripping down their temples.

Sugawara wiped the sweat away with the sleeve of his jacket.

“So?” he said breathlessly. “How ‘bout now? Can your nipples still cut glass?”

“I think they’ve retreated into my body,” Tanaka admitted and groaned. He stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned against the wall, eyes closed.

Sugawara snorted. He stared at him for long seconds and then slumped against his shoulder.

“Hey, Tanaka.”

“Hm?”

“Date me.”

“Sorry, my heart belongs to Kiyoko-san and nobody else.”

Sugawara giggled. “Okay, I give up.”

“It’s for the best.”

“Hey Tanaka.”

“Hm?”

“Thanks.”

Tanaka squeezed his knee.

“Anytime.”

* * *

“Hey Sugawara.”

Sugawara eyed Nakatani quietly, suspicion creeping under his skin at the basketball captain’s sudden appearance outside of the volleyball club room.

“Nakatani…”

He was smiling sweetly at him but it didn’t do anything to kill Sugawara’s suspicions.

“Can I help you?” Sugawara passed him and headed towards the stairs on the side of the building.

“Oh, I was just in the neighborhood…”

Sugawara snorted. “Yeah. Waiting outside of my club room? Yours is on the first floor. Did you get lost?”

“You caught me. I was waiting for you.”

“That’s gross.”

Nakatani chuckled and walked at his side down the stairs.

“Wanna walk home together? I live just a few streets down from your house.”

“Are you going to mug me?” Sugawara glanced at him in the corner of his eye.

“As if you actually have money on you.”

Sugawara stifled a grin and turned towards the school gates. “I’ll allow you to walk with me. Only out of respect for your Captain title.”

“Former captain, actually.”

“Ouch. Right. We’re the only ones going to nationals this year, aren’t we?” Sugawara smirked and smacked Nakatani’s shoulder. “Don’t mind.”

“Actually, maybe I’ll mug you after all.”

“Mugging a broke person will just make us both sad.”

“True.”

They walked in silence through the school gates and then turned down the sidewalk towards home.

“So you left early from practice?” Nakatani finally asked.

“Well I can’t play so there’s not really that much reason for me to stay the whole time,” Sugawara said sourly. “I stick around for the important stuff, talk to Coach, then leave during cool down stretches.”

Nakatani hummed. “And the reason you don’t wait for the rest of them is because you’re avoiding Sawamura?”

“Oh my god, have you been talking to Tanaka?”

“Which one is Tanaka? The short one that scares me or the bald Buddha that scares me?”

“Bald.”

“Ah. No, I haven’t been talking to him. Just making an observation.”

“Do you make those a lot?” Sugawara quirked an eyebrow.

“Would it matter if I did?” Nakatani quirked his right back at him.

“It’s kind of annoying.”

“Because it’s true?”

“Because it’s annoying.”

Nakatani chuckled. “It’s not that big of a deal. It’s kind of a hobby of mine to give Sawamura shit and so I notice when it looks like someone else beat me to it.”

“What, are you in love with him or something?”

“In love with him like _you’re_ in love with him or…”

Sugawara didn’t reply.

_Wow._

_Even Nakatani can see it._

_Loser._

“I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable or anything.” Nakatani held his hands up. “Just an observation.”

Sugawara looked away. “So you _do_ make those a lot, huh.”

“It’s kind of a hobby of mine.”

Sugawara snorted. “Alright. I’ll bite. What _else_ have you observed?”

Nakatani hummed and looked straight ahead. “Few things. For one, you got that nasty lookin’… _face situation_ right around the same time that you two had your fight—”

“Not a fight.”

“Yeah well I figured that out too. Sure, Sawamura’s hand was bandaged today but a few days too late for it to be because he punched your lights out.”

“As if he could,” Sugawara scoffed.

“True. He didn’t want to give anything away when I was drilling him for info, but he did ask me if I’ve ever been confessed to, which was weird.”

Sugawara gulped. Nakatani didn’t look at him as he reached up and scratched the side of his neck.

“At first I thought maybe you two were fighting over a girl or something like that.”

Sugawara couldn’t stop the laugh from leaving his mouth.

“But Sawamura has never been the one to care all that much about girls, so I trashed that idea. So you’re bruised. His hand is fucked. You’re so obviously avoiding him and he looks lonely as shit and I guess it just all kinda clicked together.”

“How do those things click together to make _anything_?” Sugawara narrowed his eyes.

“Hey, if you look at it from an outsider view, there are tons of things that they could click together to mean!” Nakatani looked down at him with a bright expression, arched eyebrows raised. “Think about it. Your face is busted up and you’re acting more reserved than normal. Then a few days later Daichi shows up with a bandaged hand? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you got tangled up in some thug activity and Daichi went and broke some heads in a revenge plot.”

Sugawara laughed.

“I mean,” Nakatani said wistfully. “How _romantic._ ”

Sugawara fell silent and looked at the sidewalk beneath his moving feet.

“Too bad the truth isn’t so romantic,” Nakatani hummed.

“You act like you got it all figured out,” Sugawara said in a low voice.

“Well, I think I do. Want to hear it and let me know?”

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Sure. Why not.”

They turned down a quiet street lined with houses illuminated by street lamps and the moon hanging low in the sky.

“It’s not too complicated,” Nakatani said, voice gentle. “He’s your best friend. And you love him. You told him, but he doesn’t feel the same way. And it hasn’t been the same since, has it?”

Sugawara pursed his lips when they threatened to tremble. He wrapped his hands around the strap of his bag and whispered, “I fucked up.”

Nakatani didn’t reply and Sugawara thanked god that it was dark out and he could easily hide the moisture that rose in his eyes.

“I fucked up,” he said again. “I never should have said anything. I ruined it.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s ruined,” Nakatani said.

Sugawara sniffled. “It’s ruined. And it’s all my fault.” His vision blurred and he blinked rapidly, trying to clear them. It was no use though. His frustrations with himself and his situation were finally catching up with him. He just wanted to cry. He had fucked everything up and he just wanted to cry. “Things were fine before but I had to open my fat mouth and now everything is broken. I wish I could just go back and do it again. I wouldn’t say a thing.” The first few tears slipped down his cheeks and it was like the floodgates had been blown open.

_Pathetic._

_Wow, are you really crying in front of Nakatani, of all people?_

_Loser._

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Daichi hates me now,” Sugawara said, voice quivering. “I just fucked everything up and made it shit and we’re supposed to be thinking about nationals and it’s our third year and I couldn’t have had worse timing—”

“Oh, I’ve got one. Imagine you confessed the _day of_ nationals. Like oh man, trying to picture Sawamura playing volleyball against a strong team after getting that bomb dropped on him?” Nakatani laughed. “That would be _hilarious_.”

Sugawara sputtered and pushed at his arm, wiping the tears from his cheeks with his sleeve. “Shut up,” he giggled. “You’re not helpful.”

“Oh, you want my help? Why didn’t you just say so?”

“Ugh, no way. I don’t trust your intentions.”

“What are you talking about?” Nakatani smirked evilly. “I have nothing but the best intentions.”

“Didn’t you just say that it was your hobby to give Daichi shit? Why would I trust you to help me patch up my relationship with him?”

“Clearly because he’s no fun when he’s actually sad and lonely.” Nakatani shrugged.

Sugawara snorted and dabbed at his eyes. “Yeah right.”

They were nearing Sugawara’s street and he momentarily feared running into Daichi until he remembered that he had left early.

_Great. Now you're scared to even see him?_

_Coward._

_Loser._

“You should give Sawamura more credit.”

Sugawara glanced at Nakatani.

“Think about it,” he said. “You guys have been friends for like… ever, right? You probably know him better than anyone. Is he the type of guy that would hate you because of something like this?”

Sugawara averted his eyes to the sidewalk.

“He’s not,” he said quietly. They approached Sugawara’s house and slowed. “He’s _not_ that type of guy.” He met his eyes once more, feeling the weight of his curiosity as he stared back. “That’s why it hurts so much.”

Nakatani’s left eyebrow raised.

“It was nice talking to you, Nakatani,” Sugawara opened the gate to his yard. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah… later.”

Sugawara walked up the path to his front door and looked over his shoulder one last time. Nakatani still stood on the other side of the gate, watching him with a thoughtful expression. He lifted his hand in a wave and then turned and continued down the sidewalk.

_Even Nakatani figured it out._

Sugawara gulped and went inside.

_Loser._

* * *

“Suga.”

He stiffened at the sound of his name. Daichi stood in front of his desk, looking down at him with a cute half smile, the one that never failed to make Sugawara’s heart flutter.

“Wanna eat together?” he asked, pointing over his shoulder.

_No._

_Definitely not._

_But also yes._

_God I’m such a loser._

“Uhm, yeah, okay.” He grabbed his bento and stood, begging his legs to hold out.

He walked at Daichi’s side as they left the room, just barely resisting the urge to send an SOS to Asahi from his phone in his pocket.

“How did you do on the math?” Daichi asked. “I think I bombed. I completely forgot like half of the formulas.”

Sugawara hummed. “Same.”

“At least it wasn’t an important quiz. Still though. Looks like I need to study.”

“Yeah.”

Daichi fell silent. He cleared his throat and scratched the side of his neck.

Sugawara stared at his bandaged hand, wishing he could see through to the damage. Daichi continued to use the excuse of cutting his palm while cooking.

And Sugawara continued to not believe it.

For one thing, it was clearly his knuckles that pained him, not his palm. For another thing, Sugawara had seen the blood when it happened. He had seen the blood all over the back of his hand and dripping down his fingers… and he had seen Daichi’s face. That stricken, horrified and somehow terribly distraught expression he wore as he ran to lock his door and close the curtains against Sugawara’s prying eyes.

He had seen it.

Daichi didn’t cut his palm in a cooking accident.

Sugawara didn’t know how or why, but Daichi was lying to him and God that hurt a hell of a lot more than it should.

“Coach and Shimizu have been doing research. On the teams that we might face at nationals,” Daichi said. “Or at least, the ones that we know for sure are going. A lot of districts haven’t had their qualifiers yet, after all. I think we can guess which teams will most likely be there though. As far as powerhouse schools go, most of them are pretty consistent.”

He was trying really hard.

So hard to make it feel normal. Natural.

Sugawara could almost applaud his efforts, if it wasn’t so painful, this small talk. He wanted to tell him to knock it off. To stop acting like nothing had happened. To confront the problem. If he was angry at Sugawara, then he wanted him to tell him so. If he was sad or felt weird or embarrassed, Sugawara wanted him to tell him. He didn’t want _this._

This small talk.

They made it to the cafeteria and Sugawara gestured at their usual table.

“I’ll go sit,” he said.

“Okay, I’ll be there in a sec,” Daichi made his way to the school store and Sugawara fled to his seat.

Maybe if he ate his bento really fast, he could excuse himself early and go hide out in the first years’ bathroom. That was rude though, wasn’t it? Super rude. It would be way too obvious that Sugawara was avoiding him. He just had to survive today and then next time he would just have to be quicker to flee the classroom before Daichi could invite him to lunch.

“Wow, you’re eating in the building today?”

Sugawara lifted his eyes just as Nakatani fell into the seat next to his, dumping an armful of bread onto the table.

He noticed Sugawara’s stare at his haul and grinned. “I hit the jackpot. Sawamura is gonna be pissed when he sees I bought out all the yakisoba pan.” He ripped open the plastic to one of the buns and took a wolfish bite. “So anyway,” he said, mouth full. “What’s up? Did you guys make up?”

Sugawara sighed and opened his bento box. “No. He cornered me. _Wanna eat lunch together?_ He asks with that boyishly cute smile. _Ugh_. Cheater. As if I could turn him down.”

“You’ve got it bad.”

“You mean you didn’t _observe_ that already?” Sugawara scrunched his nose and stabbed a cherry tomato with a chopstick.

Nakatani cocked an eyebrow. “So should I leave you two alone then? Give you some privacy?”

“ _Hell no_.” Sugawara latched on to Nakatani’s wrist and held him in place. “ _Stay._ It’s so awkward when we’re alone together. I don’t know how to talk to him and it _sucks_.”

“Just talk to him like you always have,” he suggested.

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Well yeah, that's because _everything_ about me is easy."

"For example?"

"Me. I'm easy. Take me, oh handsome devil."

Sugawara sputtered.

Nakatani grinned and held his yakisoba bread out towards him. “Bite?”

Sugawara leaned in without giving it a second thought. He took a big, much bigger than necessary, bite from the bread and then leaned away, trying not to laugh at Nakatani’s disgruntled expression.

“Damn you didn’t have to _deep throat_ it.”

Sugawara’s eyes flew wide and he snorted, slapping a hand over his lips to hold the bread and noodles inside.

A thud across the table drew their attention. Daichi stood opposite them, dropping his purchased food onto the table and then lowering into his seat. His eyes were centered on Nakatani, eyebrows low.

“Heeey, Sawamura,” Nakatani said.

Daichi’s gaze darted down to where Sugawara still held his wrist and he hurriedly released it.

“Did you see the monster bite this guy just took outta my lunch?” Nakatani asked, gesturing at the bread in his hand. “Like, shit, he slurped that thing down like it bought him dinner.”

Sugawara choked and quickly swallowed down the rest of the bite. He grabbed one of his chopsticks and made as if to stab Nakatani’s eye out with it, but he laughed and deflected the attack.

“I’m kidding! Jeez I’m joking! So _violent,_ Koushi.”

It was a surprise, to be called by his given name out of the blue. But also slightly... refreshing. It had been forever since someone other than his family called him that. Not even _Daichi_ called him that.

“Take your punishment, _Naoki_ ,” he returned the favor and attempted once more to stab him.

Nakatani squeaked and slipped from his seat. He crashed to the floor and Sugawara leaned over him threateningly, Nakatani’s hands around his wrists in defense.

“Sawamura, call him off!” he begged.

Sugawara cackled and sat back. Nakatani struggled back onto his seat, straightening his uniform shirt at his collar.

“Jeez,” he huffed. “Dangerous.” He turned to Daichi and looked over his food. “Oh ho, I see you don’t have any yakisoba pan…” He lifted a new one and opened it with a smug smirk. “That’s too bad, isn’t it?”

“What’s too bad is that I have to see your face. Again,” Daichi said sweetly, smiling that smile. That warning he reserved for threatening their kouhai to get their shit together on the court or for their opponents through the net.

“Oh you love me.”

“If someone gave me the choice to save a moldy crumb of yakisoba pan or _you_ … I’d pick the crumb without hesitation.”

“You’re in denial, Sawamura. Don’t worry about it. It’s confusing now. But someday, your feelings will be clear to you.”

Sugawara gulped and lifted a sausage from his bento box. Daichi scoffed and the two continued to banter but he ignored them.

_Someday your feelings will be clear to you._

He couldn’t help but think that Nakatani was talking about more than just his and Daichi's obvious rivals to friends plot course with that line.

Just what was he scheming? Why was he so interested in Sugawara’s problem? It’s not like they were friends. It was a stretch to even suggest that Nakatani and Daichi were anything more than good natured enemies. So why did he even care?

“Man, Koushi, you’ve been staring at that sausage for a pretty long time now.”

Sugawara glanced at Nakatani. The corners of his eyes were crinkled and he wore a mischievous smile.

“You must really like wieners, huh?”

Sugawara popped the sausage into his mouth and then gripped his chopsticks in his fist, pulling his arm back.

Nakatani shrieked and fell off of his chair as Sugawara attacked him, stabbing for his eye.

“ _Sawamura, call him off!_ ”

Sugawara laughed.

Well, Nakatani was right about one thing after all.

Everything about him _was_ easy.

* * *

“Yo Koushi.”

Sugawara smirked and passed Nakatani on his way out of the club room.

“Wow, I’ve really leveled up, haven’t I? Finally got my own personal stalker. I must be more popular than I thought.”

“With such an award winning personality, how could I resist, honestly?” Nakatani caught up with him at the stairs and threw an arm over his shoulders. “So I was thinking. About your problem.”

“My _problem_ ,” Sugawara repeated.

“You know, your love life problem.”

“Of course. What other problems could I possibly have? Other than slowly losing my best friend to my own insecurity and his lack of acknowledgement towards my feelings?”

“Will you shut up and stop being such a defeatist?”

“No.”

“Okay, so hear me out. Maybe Sawamura is just romantically and sexually _deficient._ ” He said it like he was discussing a conspiracy theory, tone hushed and eyes wide.

Sugawara snorted. “And what is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“You know! He’s an idiot! You’ve been his friend since you were kids, right? You _must_ have noticed how many girls come on to him and get totally brushed off because he’s an idiot who doesn’t realize he’s being flirted with.”

Sugawara _had_ noticed. How could he not? Being hopelessly in love with Daichi for years meant that Sugawara was hyper aware of anyone that might rise up and challenge his spot at his side. He had seen them all, the girls, bashful and blushing as they sought him out to flirt nervously, hoping that he would notice, would accept them.

Sugawara pitied them, honestly. It was hopeless after all. Daichi didn’t notice. He _never_ noticed. Even when it was so painfully obvious that Sugawara had to flee from the secondhand embarrassment of their failure, he never noticed.

“Okay, yeah, maybe he _is_ deficient,” Sugawara finally admitted.

“The way I see it, maybe his mind is just so filled to the brim with volleyball, that he doesn’t have any room in this thick skull for thoughts of romance,” Nakatani said. “I mean, that’s how I am. But with basketball. And meddling in people’s business. With a tiny section reserved for random facts about turtles. Did you know sea turtles can hold their breath for five hours?”

Sugawara sighed. “Well, now isn’t really the time to make him think less about volleyball. We have nationals to worry about. Or did you forget that the volleyball club beat Shiratorizawa and is going to—”

“You can stop rubbing it in already you fuckin’ jackass.”

He grinned.

“I think now is a great time to get him thinking about romance though,” Nakatani went on. “Maybe it’ll motivate him to play even better if he’s hella gay and trying to impress you.”

Sugawara groaned. “Oh man I _wish_. Daichi, chasing _me_? Seducing _me_? That’s a total wet dream of mine.”

“Perfect. So that’s what we will do then.”

“I both admire and fear your cheerful optimism.”

“Now that I don’t have basketball to entertain me, I really need a new project.” He shrugged.

“ _Project. Ugh._ I felt my balls suck back up into my body.”

“I can’t believe Sawamura has never viewed you as a potential partner, what with sexy lines like that.”

“Shut up, Loser. What am I supposed to say?” Sugawara batted his eyelashes and looked up at him coyly. “Gee, Naoki, am I a project you’d like to throw down on the ground and do all night long?”

Nakatani whistled. “Hey, save that stuff for the guy you actually want to fall in love with you. Or else we’re gonna have ourselves an awkward little love triangle going on here.” He fell silent, staring straight ahead with a thoughtful expression for a few seconds before letting out a low hum. "Actually..."

"No."

"You're no fun."

Sugawara bumped him with his hip and pointed off to the side of the street.

“Buy me something at Sakanoshita.”

“What are you, my girlfriend?”

“C’mon, don’t be stingy.”

Nakatani made a twisted expression, nose scrunching and mouth lifting in a sneer and Sugawara barely resisted smacking it off his face. In the end, he relented and finally removed his arm from around Sugawara’s shoulders.

“Okay fine, what do you want?” They went into the shop and Sugawara instantly directed him to the meat buns. Nakatani paid and they went back out onto the street.

Sugawara bounced at his side and flapped his hands at him as he opened the bag and fished a bun out.

“Okay, okay, here.” He passed it over and Sugawara took a greedy bite.

He moaned and they turned and walked slowly down the street once more.

“It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had one of these,” he mumbled.

“How long has it been?” Nakatani bit into his own.

“Like a week.”

“Fuck off.”

Sugawara giggled. “Thanks for the snack, Naoki. Date me.”

“No thanks.”

He shrugged and scarfed down the rest of the bun.

They walked in silence for a block and Sugawara shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket. Practice had gone quicker that day and the sun was still up, setting on the horizon and stealing away the last tendrils of heat from the air.

Nakatani finished his bun and tossed the trash. He glanced over his shoulder quietly, eyes roaming up the street behind them. When he turned forward again, he clicked his tongue idly against the back of his teeth.

“Hey Koushi, how’s your lip?”

Sugawara reached up and touched the corner of his mouth. “It healed faster than I thought it would. Doctor took the stitches out last night.”

“Still hurt?”

“Nope. Scar is ugly though, huh?” Sugawara turned his head and displayed the fresh pink scar on his bottom lip.

“Not really.”

“Oho, smooth talker.”

Nakatani looked over his shoulder again. He hesitated and glanced sideways. “Wanna cross the park?” he asked, jerking a thumb at the nature park they walked along.

“Are you going to mug me?” Sugawara asked but crossed in front of him to start down the path anyway.

“Sounds kinda stupid to buy you shit and then mug you a few minutes later. Talk about _net-zero._ ”

"Is that what they called you in the basketball club?"

“You know what? I wasn’t going to mug you but now maybe I will.” He ruffled his hair with a rough hand.

“The only thing I got that's worth stealing is my heart. I'll warn you though, it's broken.” Sugawara pushed his hand away and straightened his hair.

He chuckled. "How depressing."

"You're telling me."

They walked in silence for a few seconds and Nakatani glanced over his shoulder again.

“Hey Koushi.” He slowed to a stop.

Sugawara paused and turned to him. “What?”

“So I’m gonna ask you something. Feel free to punch me in the face.”

Sugawara cocked his arm back and Nakatani threw his hands up.

“Let me ask first!”

Sugawara lowered his arm with a smirk.

Nakatani pressed his hand over his heart and let out a breath. “C’mon, don’t scare a guy like that. I almost shit myself.” He cleared his throat. “Okay, anyway. So, like… I was just wondering, if like, you’d let me… you know… kiss you.”

Sugawara stared up at him, eyebrows raised. “Oh god, you’re not in love with me, are you?”

“God no. I’m just curious.” He scratched his cheek, looking away. “I’ve kissed a few girls before but never a guy and so I was just wondering, you know… what it’s like. If it’s different. Better, maybe.”

Sugawara sputtered. “Holy shit. Who the fuck asks to kiss another guy just to see if he’s gay? I thought people only did that in bad yaoi manga.”

“Have you read a lot of bad yaoi manga?”

“A lot of good ones too.”

Nakatani grinned. “It’s not that deep, I swear. Just curiosity. Like I said, feel free to punch me in the face for even suggesting it.”

Sugawara clenched his hand into a fist and lifted it up, earning a flinch from Nakatani. He snickered and lowered it again. “Sure. Whatever. Go for it.”

Nakatani blinked at him. “Really?”

He shrugged. “It’s not that big of a deal. Just a kiss. So long as you promise you’re not going to fall in love with me. No offense but you’re completely not my type.”

“That’s definitely not a confidence killer, thanks.”

Sugawara smirked. “Go ahead. Consider it payment for the meat bun.”

Nakatani hesitated. “Wait. It’s not going to be your first kiss, right? I don’t want to be the guy to take your first kiss.”

Sugawara leveled him with a flat stare. “My first kiss was in my first year of junior high with Chiyo-chan under the stairwell. My second kiss was in second year of junior high with Ami-chan behind the gym. My third kiss and gay awakening was in second year of junior high with Reo-kun on a school excursion. My fourth kiss was in my third year of junior high with Hayato-kun in his room. My fifth _and_ sixth kiss were—”

“Okay, okay, I get it. You’ve gotten around.”

Sugawara laughed and pushed his shoulder. “Just get on with it. We’re burning daylight.”

Nakatani’s hand coasted over the small of his back and tugged him against his body and _oh._

_We’re doin’ it that way, huh?_

Nakatani leaned down and Sugawara rose to meet him. Their lips touched and Nakatani’s tongue immediately slipped inside Sugawara’s mouth and _oh._

_We’re really doin’ it that way, huh?_

Sugawara cupped his face in both hands and leaned into the kiss. Nakatani’s other hand glided up his spine and Sugawara found himself tingling in appreciation over the size and weight of his palms against him. He slanted their mouths together and deepened the kiss, fingers trailing back through his messy black hair and pulling him closer.

When Nakatani finally broke away, he gulped and murmured.

“Okay. Well then. That was kinda… nice.”

Sugawara hummed.

Nakatani leaned slightly back, hands resting on Sugawara's hips. “So? How was I? I’m a pretty good kisser, right?”

“Reo-kun was better.”

“Harsh!”

Sugawara grinned and pushed him away. He turned and headed down the path.

“You better not use this to jerk off to later,” he said.

“I’d like to see you try and stop me,” Nakatani chased after him and threw an arm around his shoulders.

“I’ll sneak into your dreams and twist your balls off.”

“Nooo… don’t. Ball is life.”

Sugawara laughed and elbowed him. “God I hate you.”

"Sure you do."

They walked in silence for a few moments before Nakatani said, voice low,

"Did you know turtles' sex is determined by temperature?"

"Did you know shut up?"

"Harsh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know turtles' shells also have nerve endings?
> 
> Anyway, I love my son, and if you don't also love him then you're stinky no rights.
> 
> I really didn't do a great job editing this but I'm tired! I haven't slept in three days! Sue me!
> 
> Thank you to everyone still reading, I promise to do my best in the future, love you
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=-QpgDRcuR9-8OaqTWjpwUQ)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> Foot in mouth


	4. So that's it then?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another overreaction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moods:  
> [3 Rounds and a Sound](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juvwlEO-x2o)  
> "And the seasons will change us new  
> But you're the best I've known  
> And you know me  
> I could not be stuck on you  
> If it weren't true"
> 
> [Pushing All My Friends Away](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ct3VGmiUNHw)  
> "Pushing all my friends away to see if they still care  
> Think I'll drink alone all day, got problems I won't share  
> Making something out of nothing  
> Start regretting I even brought it up at all  
> Pushing all my friends away and hoping that they call"

Sugawara had left early again.

Daichi tried not to show his disappointment as he dressed. The rest of the team was talking excitedly around him, but he couldn’t get what had happened at lunch out of his head long enough to participate.

He was used to Nakatani showing up and giving him shit. It happened almost daily, after all. What he _wasn’t_ used to was the close, familiar relationship he had seemed to have with Sugawara that day.

Since when were they friends? Daichi couldn’t remember a time when they had been anything more than just classmates, occasionally sharing words when they were thrust together. But this was different. They had joked and fooled around. Nakatani had made several jokes that Daichi could only guess were meant to tease about Sugawara’s sexuality but how the hell did he know about that?

Daichi was Sugawara’s best friend and even he just _barely_ figured out that Sugawara swung that way. How was it that Nakatani knew such an intimate detail about Sugawara’s life?

Or was Daichi the literal last person to find out?

“You okay, Daichi-san?”

Daichi glanced at Tanaka where he stood next to him, pulling on his jacket.

“Yeah. Just thinking.” He bent to pick up his bag.

“About anything in particular?” Tanaka cocked an eyebrow.

He was fishing. Trying to get Daichi to open up, make some sort of confession.

Daichi gave him a smile and headed for the door. “Nothing important. Just how I can hone my back attack.”

“The secret is to just _slam_ it!”

Daichi chuckled. “I admire your ability to simplify things.”

“It’s a gift, I tell ya.”

Asahi joined them and all three left the club room and headed home for the day. They chatted idly, Daichi taking part as much as he could to avoid suspicion.

Even though Sugawara had agreed to eat lunch with him, it didn’t feel like he had made any progress. With Nakatani there, things were different. They were both so busy dealing with the third party’s tomfoolery that Daichi didn’t get the chance to even talk to Sugawara.

He didn’t know if he was grateful or disappointed.

On one hand, it was comforting. The distraction of Nakatani’s constant jabbering and teasing took the pressure off of Daichi to keep awkward silence at bay. He didn’t have to try to make everything feel normal when Nakatani was in charge of the conversation. He didn’t have to wrack his mind for memories of how they used to talk. What they used to say. How they used to say it. He didn’t need to force their friendship to still exist, even if everything was so different now.

On the other hand, it hurt. Sugawara relaxed around Nakatani. They wrestled and shared good-natured banter and they seemed closer than he and Daichi did at the moment and that was a little painful. Why did Sugawara pull away from Daichi and draw nearer to Nakatani? Was he being replaced?

Daichi couldn’t give him what he wanted so he was leaving and replacing him with someone else?

“See you tomorrow, Daichi-san!”

Daichi waved to Tanaka and Asahi as they parted ways and then shoved his hands into his pockets and hunched his shoulders to his ears. He trudged down the sidewalk in silence, pretending that he didn’t miss having a body next to him, at this last leg of the journey home.

It was too quiet.

And now wasn't the time to be alone with his thoughts.

He felt a buzz in his pocket and slipped his phone out. A huge part of him hoped that it was Sugawara, sending him a message that felt normal and familiar. Something silly like a Shrek meme or picture of a cat he took on his walk home.

Daichi's footsteps slowed when he saw the name on the screen.

_Incoming call from..._

He silenced the call and shoved his phone back into his pocket, throat suddenly raw and dry.

He couldn't deal with that.

Not now.

Voices ahead of him drew his attention and he tore his eyes from the concrete below his feet. He looked down the path that cut across the park to his left and caught sight of Sugawara and Nakatani, standing about thirty meters away.

Daichi blinked and turned down the path. He walked in their direction slowly, watching as they spoke, too far away for him to hear the conversation. Sugawara was smirking up at him and it was such an easy smile. Since when did he smile like that at Nakatani?

He let out a laugh and pushed his shoulder and Nakatani reached out, put his hand on the small of his back and pulled him close.

And then they were kissing and Daichi’s heart was in his stomach and his stomach was in his throat and he felt sick and everything had gone cold.

He barely had the good sense to stumble behind a tree and hide.

Didn’t have the good sense to stop watching.

Sugawara’s hands were on Nakatani’s face, and then in his hair. Nakatani’s arms were around his waist and they were close, so close, bodies completely flush against one another. Their mouths slid together and it wasn’t a small kiss. It wasn’t even just one kiss, not really. More like several, deep and long, lips moving and tongues meeting and…

And Nakatani’s hand on the small of Sugawara’s back was so low. Too low. That was _too_ low. Pressed just so, fingers splayed and wrinkling the fabric of his jacket, tucked perfectly in that little arch of his spine.

When they finally ended the kiss, they stayed close, intimate. Nakatani murmured to him and Sugawara grinned and pushed him away. He turned to leave but Nakatani followed, put his arm around his shoulders.

Daichi wanted to go home.

No, he wanted to _be_ home. He wanted to be in his room. He wanted to be in his bed, under the covers. He wanted to sleep and forget what he had just seen.

Pretend it never happened.

_It never happened_.

Pretend that he didn’t feel the way he did now.

He pushed away from the tree, weak kneed, and walked back the way he came, out of the park. He hesitated, staring down the sidewalk. Continuing that direction, he would probably run into them as they came out the other side of the park, just a few blocks from their street. And then what would he do? He couldn’t greet them. Couldn’t smile and act like he hadn’t seen.

Should he wait? Give Sugawara the chance to get a head start and make it home before him?

No, he needed to be home. Now.

Daichi swallowed and took off in a run, pumping his arms and legs. Running was good. It was good to stay in shape. Stay warm. Nationals were coming up and he needed to stay warm and fit and ready for whatever was thrown at him.

His bag thumped hard against his hip but he ignored it. Concentrated only on the strain of his lungs and the ache of his stomach and the burn of his throat, trying so hard not to choke on his heart.

He ran the rest of the way home, not slowing once, not running into Sugawara and Nakatani.

By the time he was inside, his chest was on fire and he gasped for breath, the air grating through his throat like gravel on a washboard. He struggled clumsily out of his shoes and staggered up the hall. He received no greeting from inside the house and hoped all the noise he was making wouldn’t draw the attention of his father. Or better yet, he hoped he was out at the moment, not there to hear or see or ask him why.

Daichi didn’t know why.

Didn’t have an answer to give him.

He ran up the stairs to his bedroom without being stopped and threw his bag to the floor. He ripped his jacket off and cast it aside too, then grabbed at his shirt and flapped it, forcing air to cool his burning skin and dry his sweat.

He paced his room and dragged one hand through his hair.

Sugawara had kissed Nakatani.

Why did Sugawara kiss Nakatani?

It didn’t make any sense. Daichi couldn’t understand it. His heart was in his stomach and his stomach was in his throat and he let out a groan and scrubbed at his face.

Sugawara had kissed Nakatani.

Daichi’s pacing slowed and he bit down on his thumbnail.

Surreal. It felt surreal. Daichi had been at Sugawara’s side since they were kids. Years and years and not once had he ever seen him kiss anyone before. Was that his first kiss? No… it looked like he knew what he was doing.

How did Daichi never consider it? Sugawara _kissed_ people. Kissing… it was such an intimate thing and Sugawara had done it. With Nakatani, and probably other people too. Who? Why? Had he dated anyone? If he had, why didn’t Daichi know? Why didn’t he tell him? They were best friends, wouldn’t that be something that they would share with one another? Things like love and dating and kissing and…

Daichi froze.

_Sex._

Had Sugawara had sex too?

Daichi pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. How could he have never considered it before? Sugawara wasn’t just his best friend, his vice-captain. He was a human being who had crushes and kissed and probably had sex or at least wanted to have sex and Daichi somehow _never considered it_.

“What the fuck,” he whispered. “What the fuck. What the fuck.”

He had to be some kind of idiot. Sugawara had even confessed to him, admitted to liking him more than a friend. He had admitted to having those kinds of desires and it had still somehow gone completely over Daichi’s head.

He went to his bed and collapsed onto it, slumping over his legs and hiding his face in his knees.

“ _What the fuck_.”

He had to be the biggest idiot in the world.

He stayed in that position for several minutes, until he heard a thump. His head jerked up and he quickly looked through the glass door. Sugawara was home. Daichi watched, mouth going dry, as he walked to his desk and dropped his bag onto it. He shrugged his jacket off and hung it over the back of his desk chair.

Sugawara stretched, arms lifting high over his head. His back arched and Daichi’s eyes were drawn down to the curve of his hips, the peek of pale skin between shirt and pants. He continued to stare even after the shirt came off next, tossed to the side. Heat pooled in his stomach and he clenched his hands into fists, knotted in the thighs of his tracksuit.

His eyes dragged over Sugawara’s bare back, finding each of the beauty marks that peppered his skin from his shoulder blades to the dimples just above the hem of his pants.

His heart raced in his chest and he chewed on the inside of his cheek.

Sugawara reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out his cell phone. He checked the screen and then set it on the desk, momentarily hunting through the clutter covering the top. He leaned on the heel of one hand and stretched over the desk, reaching towards the wall, hips up and back, spine arched in an attractive curve.

Daichi sucked in a sharp breath when his lower body throbbed. He threw himself back on his bed and dragged his blanket up and over his head, casting himself in darkness.

“What the fuck, _what the fuck_ ,” he hissed, holding his pillow over his face.

How had Daichi never considered it?

* * *

The next morning, Daichi dressed in sweats and a hoodie and left early, evading Rikichi’s questions on his way out the door. He didn’t look in the direction of the Sugawara home as he turned down the street and ran. Normally he relaxed on the weekends, taking advantage of not having to bust his ass at practice.

But today that felt dangerous.

He didn’t want to be stuck alone with his thoughts, forced to acknowledge his own stupidity.

Instead he ran. He left early in the morning and jogged all around the city, breath puffing around his face in the cold air. He didn’t turn towards home until the sun was high in the sky and hunger pangs stabbed him at each step he took.

He slowed to a walk when he reached his street, folding his hands behind his head and panting towards the sky.

God he was stupid.

He had been so caught up in himself, in volleyball, in school, in his dad... that he had completely glazed over the fact that Sugawara Koushi _wasn’t_ just a side character in his life.

Sugawara Koushi kissed people and thought about romance and probably thought about sex too. He might even think about sex with Daichi and he just couldn’t believe that he had never _considered it_.

He had to be the biggest idiot in the world. Of course Sugawara would think about that stuff.

Of course Sugawara was _capable_ of that stuff.

Daichi just always figured that if he did ever… _do_ that, then it would be with a girl. A girl Daichi didn’t really know, who was small and cute with long hair and curves. He never dreamed that it would be Daichi that Sugawara felt such feelings towards. Even after he had _told_ him, Daichi was so fucking stupid that he still _didn’t even understand._

And now that he did…

The sound of a clank drew his attention. Sugawara stood on the sidewalk up ahead, closing his gate behind him.

Daichi’s mouth went dry and he slowed to a stop in front of his own gate.

Sugawara turned and their eyes met.

“Oh,” Sugawara paused. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Daichi said, voice rough.

_How did we used to talk?_

Sugawara glanced at his clothes. “Did you go for a jog?”

“Yeah.” Daichi cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. He felt hot. “Don’t wanna get soft before nationals.”

Sugawara hummed and toed at the sidewalk.

“Are you going somewhere?” Daichi forced his tone to be light, normal.

“Store,” Sugawara pushed his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

Daichi hesitated, waiting for what would usually happen in this situation. Waited for Sugawara to playfully hop up to him, tug on his arm, plead him to tag along and help carry groceries, even if he was only getting one thing.

“ _C’mon, it’s more fun when we’re together!_ ”

Daichi waited. But in the end…

“Well, I’m gonna…” Sugawara jerked his thumb over his shoulder and took a step backwards. He didn’t wait for Daichi’s reply and turned his back on him.

Daichi gritted his teeth, anger filling his chest until it was hot and itchy. And he should just go inside. Go and eat and take a shower and a nap and just leave it.

He should.

“So that’s it, then?”

Sugawara paused at the sound of his voice and slowly turned around.

“What?”

“That’s it?” Daichi repeated, hands tightening into fists at his side. “I can’t return your feelings and so that’s just it?”

Sugawara’s chin lifted slightly.

“All this time we spent together, our years of friendship… none of that matters just because I don’t want to date you?”

“Is that what you think?” Sugawara asked, a small tremble to his voice.

“What else am I supposed to think?” Daichi snapped. “Ever since I rejected you, you’ve been ignoring me. What the fuck _else_ am I supposed to think? I’ve been trying so hard to talk to you and hang out with you like we used to but—”

“Yeah, well Daichi, maybe that’s the fucking problem.”

Daichi blinked.

Sugawara glared at him, eyes glossy. “You know how much balls it took for me to confess to you? To tell you this secret I’ve kept for _years?_ ”

“So what, I’m supposed to accept it just because it took a lot of balls for you to confess?”

“No!” Sugawara thrust his hands through his hair and held them there. “Why the fuck would I want that? I only want to be with you if _you_ want to be with me too! And you obviously don’t and that’s _fine!_ But _fuck_ can you at least _act_ like me being in love with you affects you in _any_ way?”

Daichi threw his arms out wide. “What the _fuck_ do you want from me?”

“I want you to _give a shit!_ ” Sugawara took a step towards him, one fist flashing out and hitting the wall to his right. “I want you to stop pretending like nothing happened!”

“You told me to forget it!”

“ _I know what I said!_ And I take it back! Believe it or not, I’m allowed to do that! This is something that’s _important_ to me! I love you, you stupid _jackass!_ ” His face had gone red, his eyes almost overflowing with moisture. “You don’t have to love me back but at least show me some goddamn consideration and _fucking give a shit!_ ”

“I don’t know how!” Daichi reached out and fisted his hands in the front of Sugawara’s jacket, pulling him close. “How do I give a shit more than I already am?”

“I don’t know!” Tears streamed down his cheeks and his eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t know! But it’s not this!”

Daichi needed to stop. He was going too far. His emotions were volatile at the moment and he couldn’t think rationally.

“I know what you’re doing,” he said, voice lowering. “You’re manipulating me.”

Sugawara’s eyes widened, tears flowing faster.

“You’re trying to blackmail me into accepting your confession,” Daichi went on and he was saying too much.

_Stop._

_What are you doing?_

_What are you saying?_

“You’re pulling away from me, making me miserable, so that I’ll do whatever it takes to get my friend back."

_Stop..._

"Even if it means I have to pretend to like you back, just so _you_ can get what _you want,_ ” Daichi bit the words out like venom, sharp and sour on his tongue.

An expression of unbelievable hurt crossed Sugawara’s face and Daichi could feel it in his chest, stealing his breath and making his knees go weak.

_Fuck._

Sugawara’s chin trembled. “I—” His voice cracked. “I can’t be-believe you think I would do… something like tha-that…”

Daichi gulped.

_Fuck._

_Take it back._

_I didn’t mean it._

Sugawara shoved at him but Daichi tightened his grip on his jacket.

“Let me _go!_ ”

A fist connected with Daichi’s cheek and he winced and released him. Sugawara pushed him away and he stumbled back.

Sugawara wiped at his cheeks and glared fiercely at him.

“I’m not trying to _extort_ you, Daichi,” he said. He lowered his eyes to the ground, voice growing soft, barely audible. “If I could take it back, I would. I’d never tell you how I feel. But I can’t do that. And I can’t ignore the fact that you _know_ now. Things between us will never be the same. And it’s unfair to me and my feelings to just _pretend_ like nothing happened. So…” He rubbed his nose with a trembling hand. “It’s just easier this way.”

“Suga,” Daichi reached towards him.

Sugawara slapped his hand away and turned. He didn’t say another word as he walked away, wiping his eyes with his sleeves.

Daichi stumbled back against the stone wall and slid to the ground.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he hissed and held his head in his hands. His cheek ached and his heart hurt and _fuck_ he shouldn’t have done that.

Just what was his problem? Daichi didn’t do this kind of thing. He didn’t get angry like this or explode and make accusations he didn’t even believe in. He didn’t hurt his best friend and he didn’t act like an irrational jackass.

What had gotten into him?

He felt sick.

Down to his very core, he felt sick.

Footsteps shuffled nearby and he jerked his head up.

“Su—”

He froze.

Standing in front of Sugawara’s house gate was a man in a leather jacket and ripped black jeans. He was tall and fit, his grey hair cut in an undercut and slicked back away from his face. A smoking cigarette dangled in the corner of his mouth and he stared down the length of his crooked nose at Daichi.

Daichi gulped.

“Sou-Souta.”

Sugawara Souta moved slowly in front of Daichi and crouched down. He pinched his cigarette between his index and middle finger, nails painted black, and took a deep drag. He blew the smoke into Daichi’s face and he winced, blinking it away.

“My little brother was crying,” he said, voice deep and low. He flicked the cigarette with his thumb and ashes fell onto Daichi’s lap.

He lifted his index finger and pressed it into the center of Daichi’s forehead, pushing him back against the wall. His left, notched eyebrow cocked, light brown eyes searing into him.

He leaned close, nose just a centimeter away, and Daichi held his breath.

“ _I’ll fucking skin you alive_.”

Souta remained still, allowing the threat to sink in for long, slow seconds, before finally pulling away. He took another long drag off his cigarette, blew it into Daichi’s face again, and then stood. He didn’t move away at first, forcing Daichi to stare up the long length of his body.

“Nice to see you, Dai-kun.”

Souta walked to his gate and opened it.

“We-welcome home,” Daichi stammered and then slumped over on his side on the sidewalk.

_Great._

Having one Sugawara brother hate him was one thing.

Both?

Daichi might as well climb into the garbage now, there was no way he was making it out of this alive.

* * *

“Daichi, are you feeling alright?”

Daichi considered evading the question. He definitely didn’t want to talk about it, especially not to Asahi, who looked so concerned, almost teary-eyed as he stared and walked at his side down the hallway. Evading would be the easiest solution to the problem that was his meddling, albeit well-intentioned, friend.

But it wasn’t like Asahi didn’t already know the answer to the question. Evading and lying in the end wouldn’t actually solve anything when Asahi already clearly knew that _no_ , Daichi was _not_ feeling alright.

Far from it, actually.

He felt horrible. Worse. He felt like absolute shit.

And Asahi knew it.

“Haven’t been sleeping well,” Daichi mumbled and rubbed his sore, dry eyes.

Asahi was silent for a moment and then Daichi felt a soft touch at his shoulder.

“You know you can always talk to me, right?”

Could he though?

Asahi was in on all of this, after all. He had known about Sugawara’s crush on Daichi from the beginning, hadn’t he? He ran to comfort him when Daichi rejected him. What was stopping him from running to him again if Daichi opened up now?

The anger was back, though tired now, like the rest of him.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Daichi said, moving out from under Asahi’s palm. “I’m sick of everyone—” _including me_ “—acting like this is such a huge fucking tragedy. It’s _not_. I don’t need to _talk_ about anything and I don’t need your pity. I feel like I’m stuck in some kind of stupid melodrama, where the tiniest shit is blown completely out of proportion.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“It’s not…” Asahi agreed. “But, that doesn’t mean that it’s not… important.”

Daichi huffed.

“And even if it’s not,” he went on. “Even small stuff is worth talking about.”

Daichi fell silent.

He knew that.

_God._ He knew this already. It didn’t matter though. Daichi knew it all already and he was supposed to be able to rationalize everything in a mature, calm way. That’s what Daichi _always_ did. He was stable, reliable, and rational almost to a fault. A natural born leader who could overcome anything through pure power of will and determination.

That’s who Daichi was _supposed_ to be.

But now he was scattered, abrasive, and volatile. He lashed out at people that didn’t deserve it. He was stupid and irrational and he didn’t _think_ and he didn’t _breathe_ and he didn’t _sleep_ and he just wanted to bash his head against the wall until all of these new and terrifying and frustrating feelings pooled out of his broken skull.

Maybe he was sick.

“It’s so stupid,” he whispered. He and Asahi reached the stairwell and walked slowly down. “It’s so stupid. He fucking _likes_ me, Asahi.”

Asahi didn’t reply.

“He said he’s in love with me. Wants to _be_ with me. He’s so stupid.” Daichi’s stomach twisted and he was definitely sick. “Is he an idiot? Doesn’t he know what happens? You fucking let them in and the next thing you know they’re just…” His throat constricted. His chest felt hot. “I mean… he’s _already_ …” He gritted his teeth.

“What?” Asahi stared down at him, brows furrowed. “What are you talking about, Daichi?”

Daichi remained silent, hands clenching into fists in his pockets.

“He’s already _what_?”

_Leaving._

“Nothing.” Daichi looked away. He inhaled deep through his nose and let it out through his mouth.

_Get ahold of yourself, Jackass._

He cleared his throat and looked at Asahi, forcing a smile.

“Sorry,” he said. “Just forget I said anything. I think I’m getting sick. Not thinking straight. I’m going to go get some fresh air.” He turned and headed for the doors to the courtyard.

“What about lunch?” Asahi called after him.

“Not hungry.”

Daichi left the building and immediately crossed the courtyard to a secluded area near the school wall. He sat and leaned his head back against the cool stone. The air was frigid and cut through the thin fabric of his uniform, but it was better than being in that building where he was too hot, too uncomfortable, and too aware of how suffocating everything had become.

He would take the freezing over burning any day.

Ten minutes of cold silence passed before he was found.

“Oh c’mon, Sawamura. You’re gonna have to hide a little better than that if you wanna escape me.”

Daichi clenched his jaw until his teeth ached and peeled his eyes open.

Nakatani stood in front of him, hands in his pockets, smirking devilishly.

“Fuck off.”

He sat.

“Chilly today, ain’t it?” Nakatani shivered and crossed his legs under him, hunching over. “We’re not even in winter yet. What the hell is this shit? I wouldn’t be surprised if it snowed.”

Daichi let out a hissing breath. “Nakatani just _fuck off_. I’m not in the mood.”

Nakatani whistled. “Wow! That had some bite to it. I’m almost intimidated.”

Daichi growled and shoved to his feet. He walked away, telling himself that he wasn’t running.

He wasn’t running. He wasn’t remembering the kiss and he wasn’t feeling those sick emotions all over again. He wasn’t.

“Hey, good idea. I could use the exercise.” Nakatani gained his side. “Since I’m retired from the basketball club, I haven’t had anything keeping me in shape, you know?” His voice was light, cheerful, like it usually was.

And Daichi _wasn’t_ thinking about how he wanted to drop kick him in the throat.

“So since you’re out here, I suppose you haven’t eaten yet, right? Well you’re in luck. I saved you one.” Nakatani pulled a curry bun from his pocket. “Ta da, no need to thank me. It was nothing. Just lookin’ out for my bud.”

Daichi slapped the food out of his hand and whirled towards him.

“Hey, that wasn’t nice,” Nakatani watched the package hit the cobbled ground.

“I said _fuck off_ ,” Daichi snapped.

Nakatani scratched the back of his head and cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah, I know. I heard it. Both times. I just elected to ignore it. Don’t say such out of character stuff, Sawamura. It’s weird.”

“How about you mind your own business?”

“No thanks.”

Daichi’s nose twitched and he shoved his hands through his hair with a groan.

“Haha, Sawamura you’re so moody lately. What’s up? Something on your mind?”

Daichi pressed his fingers hard against his eyes and inhaled slowly. It was no use. Nakatani clearly had no plans on leaving.

“C’mon, you know you can tell me. What are pals for?”

Daichi slowly slid his hands down his cheeks, rubbing the flushed and burning skin raw, and stared at the other boy for long, silent seconds. Finally, he dropped his hands to his sides.

“Tell me the truth,” he began.

“Okay, I look up random turtle facts before every conversation with someone I want to impress so I can pepper them in and make people think I'm the cool turtle guy. Sorry I'm a fraud. But did you know—”

“Are you and Suga together?”

Nakatani fell silent, steadily returning his stare without a hint of surprise at the question. Daichi’s stomach tightened, too scared to think about what his lack of a reaction meant.

The silence stretched for so long that Daichi was already accepting that it was true, that Sugawara and Nakatani were an item and he felt _sick_ and he _hated himself_ but then Nakatani finally spoke again.

“Nah.”

_What?_

Daichi’s heart thudded and he felt relieved but still sick and so fucking tired, he wanted to lie down and let the cold numb him to his core.

“What do you mean, _nah?_ ” His voice turned rough.

“I mean _nah_. We’re not together.”

“Quit shitting me,” Daichi commanded. “I fucking _saw_ you guys kiss—”

“And?”

Daichi paused, blinking at him in surprise. “What… what do you mean _and_?”

Nakatani snorted, arched eyebrows lifting slightly. “You’re a little out of it lately, aren’t you, Sawamura? Are you feeling alright? You look kinda..."

"I'm _fine!_ " Daichi snapped. "Answer my fucking question!"

Nakatani let out a soft sigh. "I’m not trying to trick you or anything. I mean what I say. So you saw us kiss. And? Is there something wrong with that?”

_Yes._

_Everything._

_Everything is wrong with that._

“He gave me permission,” Nakatani said, scratching the back of his neck. “I wanted to kiss him and he said okay. So I kissed him.”

“ _Why?_ ”

“Do I need a reason?”

Daichi couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “ _Yes!_ Yes you _do_ need a reason! People don’t kiss without a reason!”

Nakatani shrugged. “Then my reason was that I wanted to. And he didn’t mind. Said it was cool. So what’s to stop me from doing what I want?”

_Me._

Daichi pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes and bit down hard on his bottom lip.

_I want to stop you._

_Let me stop you._

He lowered his hands again after several long seconds. He didn’t look at Nakatani when he asked in a soft voice,

“Are you going to do it again?”

Nakatani was silent.

“Kiss him,” Daichi clarified weakly. “Are you going to kiss him again?”

“Who knows? Maybe. I liked it, after all. He’s a good kisser.”

Daichi felt sick. His hands clenched into fists and then released.

“Why?” Nakatani asked. “Do you not want me to kiss him?”

_Don’t kiss him._

_Don’t._

_I don’t want you to._

Daichi swallowed.

“It doesn’t matter what I want.” He shoved his hands into his pockets.

Nakatani hummed. “It does, actually. If you don’t want me to kiss him, you should probably tell me. I’ll listen. But if you don’t, then I’ll just keep doing whatever I want.”

Daichi didn’t speak. He stood in complete silence, refusing to meet Nakatani's eyes and ignoring the way he felt too much, too intense, too unlike himself.

After a minute, Nakatani sighed. He walked over to where Daichi had sent the bun flying and picked it up. He carried it over to him and grabbed his arm. He pulled his hand from his pocket and pressed the package to his palm, closing his fingers around it.

“You should take yourself more seriously,” he mumbled and Daichi finally met his gaze. Nakatani gave him a crooked smile and released his hand. He took a slow step backwards, holding his stare.

And then he turned and walked away, the gentle melody of a whistle floating behind him as he crossed the courtyard and went back into the school.

Daichi stared down at the bread in his hand.

His entire world was spinning and twisting and churning in all the worst ways.

And he was definitely, extremely, without a doubt…

_Sick._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daichi is stupid and I love him  
> I don't even feel bad  
> Suffer, loser
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! I hope that you stick with me, even though I'm making this SO dramatic like OOF next chap is just gonna be even worse like damn these kids.
> 
> Happy Holigays everyone!
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=PhVcsmB7Q0iPEB6DepHtYw)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next time:  
> The stress virus


	5. Some captain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another hurt feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood:  
> [desire](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LckL1Orh5ts)  
> "Where will you be when I go insane?  
> I don't give a fuck, it all feels the same  
> Easier to blame with a broken heart  
> Hate me now that we've grown apart"

A cool hand covered Daichi’s forehead and he forced his eyes to open and meet Ukai’s gaze where he stood directly in front of him. Ukai sighed and lowered his hand.

“Maybe you should sit down for a while, Captain.”

Daichi gulped. “I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not. You’re burning up. You look like you’re about to pass out. I’d force you to go home if I thought you’d make it there without dying in the street along the way.” Ukai propped his hands on his hips and regarded him with a stern expression. “Go sit.”

Daichi wanted to argue. Wanted to demand he stay on the court, finish practice with the rest of them. What kind of captain was he if he sat on the sidelines while everyone else trained?

But unfortunately, he lacked confidence that he wouldn’t fall flat on his face the next time he attempted to jump a block.

He dragged a trembling arm across his forehead, collecting sweat, and nodded.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll sit.”

“Thank you.”

Daichi turned and walked from the court. He went to where Kiyoko and Yachi stood on the sidelines, focusing hard on not showing the way his knees wobbled and threatened to buckle under him. As he approached, Yachi hurriedly fetched a water bottle and towel and offered them to him when he drew near.

“Thanks,” he mumbled. He slung the towel over his shoulder and drank, eyes sliding shut again.

“Sawamura, you look like death.”

Daichi peeked at Kiyoko, who didn’t look at him as she scribbled on her clipboard.

“Yeah,” he said, lowering the water bottle and using the towel to sop up the sweat from the side of his neck. “Feel like it too.”

“Captain!”

He faced Ukai, who watched him with arms crossed over his chest.

“I said _sit_. Not stand.”

“What am I, a dog?” Daichi muttered and walked over to the wall and sat.

Yachi followed him, brows furrowed over her worried eyes.

“Sawamura-senpai, should I go get you something from the nurse? Some medicine? Or I could bring her here to check on you? How bad do you feel? Maybe I should call for an ambulance?”

Daichi rubbed his eyes. “I appreciate the concern, Yachi, but I’m fine. Just feeling a little under the weather.”

“You said you felt like death just a few seconds ago though.”

“Man cold strikes again.”

Yachi cocked her head to the side and blinked at him.

Daichi chuckled. “I’m fine. Just overworked myself a little bit this past week.”

She still didn’t look convinced, but Kiyoko’s voice called her away and Daichi was finally left alone. He wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his face against his knees.

He was such a fucking fool. On top of destroying his friendship, fighting with anyone that looked at him, and acting completely out of character, now he was physically ill. Had he done this to himself too? Did his constant stressing actually make him sick?

As if he didn’t have enough to worry about.

He had already fucked up enough of his life. He didn’t need to cross the line of his own health and well-being. He had proven that he wasn’t to be trusted with _that_ kind of responsibility. Couldn’t even nurture a friendship that had steadily thrived since childhood.

No way could he handle an entire body’s immune system.

Daichi remained in his place against the wall for the rest of practice, listening to the squeaking of sneakers, the shouts of his teammates, the slap of volleyballs against arms, hands, the floor. Occasionally he could pick out Sugawara’s voice among the others, and his stomach would give a sick twist every time, without fail, confirming that _yeah_ , _hell yeah,_ he had done this to himself.

Eventually he started to doze off and the sounds turned muffled, faded back. Soft humming replaced them. Light, somehow both distant and directly in his ears at the same time. Familiar. Comfortable.

_“Daichi, please understand. This is something bigger than you.”_

A light touch smoothed over his hair, down to his shoulder, and a choked whimper slipped from his mouth. He jerked to consciousness, head lifting from his knees and one hand reaching out, frantically trying to catch the voice that had spoken in his ear.

“ _Don’t_ —”

His fingers caught fabric and his blurry gaze met soft brown eyes.

Sugawara’s hand tightened on his shoulder and he shifted closer to him on his knees.

“It’s just me,” he whispered and brushed a thumb over Daichi’s cheek, wiping away tear tracks.

Daichi released the front of his shirt and hid his face against his knees again, hands hurriedly brushing the remaining tears away.

“ _Fuck_ …”

The touch was back on his hair and Daichi’s heart ached.

“Practice is done,” Sugawara said gently. “I got your things from the club room. Can you get dressed?”

Daichi leaned back against the wall and shut his eyes, inhaling deeply. He felt like he was in a tunnel, walls closing in.

“Daichi.”

He peeled his eyes open again and glanced around the gym. The lights were off, the net put away.

“Everyone already left,” Sugawara said. “I said I’d get you home. But if you don’t think you can walk, I can call my mom and have her come pick us up in the car.”

Daichi struggled to swallow, his saliva thick, throat raw.

“Why…” he croaked. “Why are you the one…”

Sugawara stared at him silently for a moment and then said, “I live the closest to you. So it makes sense that I’d be the one who took you home.”

Hurt tightened in his chest and Daichi lowered his eyes.

“Right. Of course.”

Seconds passed and a small sigh escaped Sugawara.

“Should I call Mom?”

Daichi folded his arms over his knees, fingers digging in to his biceps.

“Suga…”

“What?”

“You hate me now… don’t you?”

He hesitated, and then sighed again, the sound louder, a little annoyed.

“Are you an idiot?”

_Yes._

“As if I could hate you.”

Daichi stared at a spot on his arm. “Then… do you think we’ll ever… go back to the way we were? Do you think we can ever be best friends again?”

“You’re still my best friend. But… no. I don’t think we can ever go back to how we used to be.”

Daichi’s fingers tightened. “Why not? It’s not… it’s not the end of the world.” He lifted his eyes to Sugawara’s face. “The way you feel about me... it’s just another high school crush. You’ll get over it, won’t you?”

Sugawara’s expression immediately dropped.

“It’s not…” he whispered. “It’s not just…” He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them again. “You really don’t understand this at all, do you?”

“I _don’t_!” Daichi moaned and gripped his head with both hands. “I don’t understand! I’m so fucking confused and I _hate_ it! All this time I considered you… I thought of you like my _brother_.”

Sugawara’s eyes widened and filled with moisture. “I don’t want that,” he said, voice soft and fast, frantic. “I don’t want that. Don’t…” Tears spilled over his cheeks and he pushed his hands into his eyes. “Fuck. Damn it, Daichi. Don’t think of me as… _god damn it._ ” His chin trembled and Daichi’s chest wrenched.

His stomach hurt.

 _Everything_ hurt.

The world was so heavy all around him, pressing down on his shoulders and head and he just wanted to sink into the ground and sleep until it was over.

Sugawara wiped his tears away and glared at him. “I am _not_ your brother. I will _never be_ your brother. Don’t look at me that way. Don’t _think_ of me that way.” He sniffled and turned away, reaching into his jacket pocket. “God damn it. I _never_ stood a chance with you, did I?” He pulled out his cell phone and unlocked the screen, casting a pale bluish white glow over his face, glinting off the fresh tears that streamed down and dripped off his jaw. “I’m not your brother,” he whispered as he brought up his contacts. “I don’t want to be your brother.”

Daichi dug his fingernails into his scalp, each word like the swing of a hammer to his skull.

Sugawara pulled up a name and pressed the phone to his ear, turning his face away when his body shook with a muffled sob. The sound drove into Daichi’s chest and he furrowed his brows and bit down on his bottom lip.

“Sou-Souta?” Sugawara said after a few seconds. “Daichi… Daichi’s si-sick. Will you pick us up in the car?” He sniffled and listened to the voice on the other line. “Yeah,” he said softly. “We’re in the gym. Okay… thanks.” He ended the call and shoved the phone back into his pocket. He used his sleeves to wipe his face, shoulders trembling as he sucked in a shuddering breath. He pushed to his feet and didn’t look at Daichi before walking towards the door. “Souta will be here in a few minutes. I’m going to wait outside.”

He left the gym and Daichi listened to the sound of him sitting on the steps outside. Mere moments later, the muffled gasps and hiccupping sobs of his crying echoed through the building and Daichi closed his eyes. He slumped over on his side and hugged his head, fingers knotted in his hair.

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Piece of shit._

_I’m such a piece of shit._

Daichi stayed huddled in a ball on the floor, sweating and shivering, breath sharp and painful. He slid in and out of consciousness for however long it took for Souta to arrive, and then he felt large, calloused hands on his forearms, pulling them away from his head. He felt still somewhere between sleeping and waking, limbs too heavy to move on his own.

His head rolled to the floor and he blinked groggily up into the stern face that hovered over him.

Light brown eyes and thick grey eyebrows.

“Suga,” he slurred, head fogged over with fever. “Sorry,” his voice dropped to a whisper. “Sorry… I’m shit. Sorry.”

The hands dragged one of his arms up and across broad shoulders.

“I’m shit,” Daichi repeated, eyes closing as he was pulled into a sitting position. “I’m sorry. I hate myself. I hate myself.” He groaned and choked on an inhale. “I… I hate _her_. I hope she never comes back. I _hate_ her.”

A thick arm circled his waist and hauled him to his feet. He leaned heavily against the taller body, head falling forward.

“ _Don’t leave_ ,” he begged. “Don’t leave, don’t go, I’m _sorry_.”

The body carrying him started forward and Daichi struggled to get his feet under him, walk.

“Don’t leave,” he pleaded, voice rough. “Please. Please.”

Cool air hit his skin but he couldn’t get his eyes open, not anymore. He was carried down stairs and eventually to a car. The large hands helped him inside and he collapsed over the seat, head hitting the upholstery hard enough for a spike of pain to shoot down to his neck. He heard murmuring voices, words indistinguishable, and then fabric was draped over him, offering warmth to his chilled body.

He fell unconscious again and didn’t wake until he could hear his father’s voice.

“Sorry for the trouble,” he said, and Daichi felt his familiar arms around him, gathering him close to that familiar chest. He sunk against him, moisture pinching his eyes under his lids. “Thank you for taking care of him.”

A low voice responded but Daichi didn’t hear it. Couldn’t hear what it said.

Rikichi lifted him and he felt small in his grasp. Weak. Vulnerable and fragile in a way he hadn’t felt in years, if ever. He buried his face into the side of his father’s neck, felt the coarse hairs of his beard scratch at his temple and cheek. It was familiar and it was welcome and Daichi pressed a hand over his mouth to hold in the sound of the sob that threatened to rip its way through his chest.

God what was wrong with him?

Was he dying?

“Koushi, will you help bring his things inside for me?”

Sugawara was still there.

Sugawara was there, seeing how pathetic and weak Daichi was.

He moaned, tried to tell Rikichi _no_. Tell him to send him home so he wouldn’t see any more. He didn’t want him to see him like this, fucking pitiful.

_Some captain._

Daichi didn't deserve the title.

He felt himself turning as Rikichi carried him into the house. Warmth hit his already burning skin, signaling that they had moved indoors. They traveled down the hall and as they reached the end of it, passing by that room, that _fucking room_ , Daichi couldn’t stop the pitiful whimper from leaving his mouth. He knotted his fingers in Rikichi's shirt and squeezed.

Rikichi climbed swiftly up the stairs.

Daichi panted against his neck and released his shirt in favor of tugging at the collar of his own. He was just so fucking _hot_.

Eventually they made it to his room and Rikichi set him down on his bed. He sunk into the mattress, thankful to be there at last, even if it didn't make the heat and uneasiness fade.

“I’m going to get him some water and medicine and call the doctor,” Rikichi said. “Stay with him for a moment?”

_Stay?_

_No._

Sugawara was still there? _Why?_ Why didn’t he just bring his things inside and leave them at the entrance? Why did he follow him this far?

He heard Rikichi’s receding footsteps and tried to beg him to stay, but the words didn’t leave his tongue.

And he was just so fucking _hot_. He tore at his shirt, pathetically whimpering, until hands covered his.

“Calm down.”

Daichi gritted his teeth and forced his eyes open. He stared hazily up at Sugawara where he leaned over him. He gulped and tugged against his grip, but Sugawara merely tightened his hold.

“Ho- _hot_ ,” he managed to moan. “Hot. Off. Please.”

Sugawara was silent for a moment. Then he sat on the side of the bed and pulled him into a sitting position. Daichi slumped against him, face rolling against his shoulder. Sugawara’s hands touched his hips, then tugged on the hem of his t-shirt. He lifted it up and Daichi struggled to raise his arms to allow him to drag it completely up and over his head. When he was finally free, he fell back on the bed, legs shifting.

“Off,” he said again, tugging in the waistband of his shorts.

“Daichi—” Sugawara began, but Daichi had already managed to push the shorts down partially over his boxer briefs. Sugawara sighed and helped him remove them, tossing them to the side with the shirt.

Daichi let out a breath of relief but it still wasn’t enough. He lifted his knees and hooked his thumbs in the elastic band of his boxers. He barely got them down a few centimeters before Sugawara latched on to his wrists and prevented him from going further.

“Leave those on,” he said, and he sounded embarrassed. And when Daichi peered up into his face, he looked embarrassed too, cheeks pink, eyes on the floor.

_Oh._

_Yeah._

_Because… yeah._

Daichi let his hands be moved away from his underwear and groaned, squeezing his eyes shut.

What was his problem?

Maybe he really was dying.

That had to be it. This wasn't just a normal bug. Daichi _never_ got sick. He was too strong.

He had to be dying.

Sugawara was silent for a few moments and then Daichi felt his weight leave the mattress at his side. He whimpered, wanted to call for him to come back, but couldn’t find the energy for words. Silence filled the room other than the pathetic sounds escaping him and Sugawara must have left.

Gone.

And he wasn’t coming back.

Daichi had made sure of that. Had somehow ruined things even more. It had to be a talent at this point, his ability to screw everything up.

Maybe it was better this way. He didn’t have to see him in such a pitiful state anymore. Daichi could be unabashedly weak and vulnerable and no one would see it, know that he’s not as strong and secure and reliable as he seems.

Footsteps sounded from his left and he panted, listening. The mattress bowed slightly and then something cool and wet pressed over his burning forehead.

Daichi breathed out a sigh of relief, trying to lean into the touch. He peeled his eyes open and stared up at Sugawara as he mopped the sweat up from his skin. When the chill from the towel was replaced with the scorching heat Daichi's skin radiated, Sugawara dipped it into a bowl sitting on the night table.

Daichi went still and quiet, watching as Sugawara made slow, languid strokes with the towel over his brow, down his temples, across his jaw. He continued down his neck and Daichi lifted his chin, giving him access underneath it. As he traveled lower, swiping the towel down his chest, Sugawara’s face flushed a darker shade of red and he cleared his throat.

Daichi recognized it this time. Sugawara was embarrassed, flustered over Daichi’s almost naked body.

The memory of the kiss flashed through Daichi’s mind and he gulped. He wondered if Sugawara imagined doing this sort of thing with him. Touching him like this, minus the towel. He wondered if he fantasized about doing more. How far had he let his mind wander about Daichi in all these years that he loved him?

Did he think about kissing him, in bed, under the covers? Did he wish to be stripped of his clothes, touched everywhere by Daichi’s hands, kissed everywhere by Daichi’s lips? Maybe he even went so far as to fantasize about them doing more. Touching each other in their most intimate places, licking and tasting, eventually making love.

Daichi wondered how Sugawara imagined them doing it. Who took the lead and which position did they try? He wanted to know what Sugawara thought, and how he thought it. When thinking it, did it excite him, make him touch himself?

Daichi wondered how it felt, to get himself off over the image of his best friend.

What a weird thing to think now, when Daichi was so clearly dying.

Sugawara rewet the towel again and wiped it slowly down Daichi’s abdomen. His fingertips brushed his skin and Daichi sucked in a breath. He reached up and took Sugawara’s hand in his.

He shakily dragged it up to his chest and pressed it flat over his heart. His fingers were icy, so heavenly cold that they cut straight through the heat of Daichi’s body and chilled him to the very core.

“Da-Daichi?”

Daichi caught his other hand and flattened it against his cheek, leaning into it.

“So cold,” he whispered. “Feels good…”

Sugawara sucked in a hissing breath, but didn’t pull away. He held his hands against his skin until the chill was gone and he released him.

Sugawara lifted the towel and rewet it. A moment later, he pressed it back to his throat and then something else, something freezing and wet gently glided over his forehead.

Daichi let out a sigh and peered up at him.

“Is it okay?” Sugawara asked in a soft voice, smoothing the ice down his temple.

He nodded, swallowing thickly. He was about to thank him but Rikichi entered the room again, phone pressed to one ear.

“Yeah, just give me a second,” he said and joined them at the bed.

Sugawara scooted out of the way and Rikichi knelt at Daichi’s side.

“Here, Dai, open up,” he said, holding a thermometer over his lips.

Daichi did as he said and the thermometer was tucked under his tongue. They waited and then Rikichi removed the thermometer and read it.

“Forty,” he said into the phone. “That’s high. That’s really high, right?” He listened to the voice on the other line.

Daichi felt a cool touch on his thigh and looked at Sugawara, who stared at him with furrowed brows. He gulped and slid his hand towards him. Sugawara hesitated but then laced their fingers together. Daichi squeezed him and closed his eyes.

“Uhm, let me check.” Rikichi set the thermometer aside and stroked Daichi’s cheek. “Hey, Dai, tell me what you’re feeling. Have you been throwing up? Does your chest or your neck hurt? What’s going on?”

Daichi shook his head. “Just hot… tired.”

“That’s all? No other symptoms that you can think of?”

“Thirsty…”

“Shit, right. Hold on a second.” Rikichi stood and left the room again, speaking into the phone.

Sugawara slid closer again and went back to mopping up his sweat, one hand still holding tight to his.

Daichi faded in and out of consciousness for the next few minutes, at one point being pulled into a sitting position to drink water.

On another instance of dozing, he could hear his father and Sugawara talking.

“—said just give it time. Let him rest. Might be some sort of bug. I dunno. Maybe it’s my fault.” Rikichi sighed. “I haven’t exactly been all that supportive these past few weeks.”

Sugawara’s thumb stroked over Daichi's sweaty palm.

“Just been ordering takeout and sending him to school with money to buy store lunch… acting like a damn child and forcing him to take care of me… shit I really dropped the ball here.”

“It’s not your fault,” Sugawara said. “We’ve all… everything has all just been… too much. He’s burnt out. I think. What with playing Seijou and then Shiratorizawa one after the other. Now having to worry about nationals and graduation in the spring. And... other things…” His voice dwindled into a whisper. “It all happened at once. It’s just too much.”

The room fell silent for a moment and then he heard shuffling.

“Thanks for your help, Koushi. Head on home. I’ll take care of him.”

Daichi’s fingers reflexively tightened around Sugawara’s hand, desperate to keep him there.

Sugawara didn’t reply for a moment, then asked, “Can I stay?”

“You don’t have to. It’s late. You should go eat dinner and—”

“I’m not hungry. Can I stay? I promise I won’t bother him.”

Daichi wished he could draw himself out of the in between state he was in, ask his father to let him stay. Even though it was selfish and stupid and why did he want him to stay? Why? He should want him gone, to not see him like this.

He couldn’t explain it, but he wanted him there, even just so that he wouldn’t be alone.

“Ask your parents if it’s okay,” Rikichi finally said. “I’ll make you something to eat.”

“Thank you.”

Footsteps receded and the door clicked.

Daichi was so stupid. Why did he want Sugawara there? He just couldn’t leave well enough alone. Needed a chance to somehow make things even worse, didn’t he?

Cool fingers carded tenderly through his hair and he inhaled a deep breath, leaning his head into the touch. Sugawara stroked through his hair softly for long minutes, lulling Daichi further into a state of feverish slumber, only just barely aware of the gentle motion of his fingers over his scalp and eventually down over his cheek to his jaw.

Sugawara cupped his face and Daichi felt him lean over him slowly.

Soft lips pressed against his forehead and a deep ache swelled in Daichi’s chest. When he pulled away once more, Daichi squeezed his hand and finally managed to open his mouth and find his voice.

“’M sorry…”

Sugawara’s fingers trailed through the hair at his temples.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Me too.”

* * *

It was well into the afternoon the next day when Daichi woke. The sound of his balcony door sliding open roused him and he screwed his eyes shut, burying his face in his pillow. He lay quietly, trying to fall back to sleep when the smell of cigarette smoke reached his nose. Daichi frowned, confused at first.

Then it clicked.

He sucked in a sharp breath and cracked his eyes open.

Souta leaned against the wall on the opposite side of the dark room, shadowy form just barely illuminated by the red glow of the cigarette between his lips.

Daichi gulped, fingers knotting in his sheet. Neither of them spoke for long minutes and he began to wonder if maybe Souta didn’t even realize he was awake, couldn’t see his open eyes in the dim lighting of the room.

But then he was grinding the butt of his cigarette out against the side of his lighter and discarding it into the garbage next to his dresser, making Daichi wonder if he had enough energy to put out a potential garbage fire.

And then his low, rough voice finally broke the silence.

“You know… I didn’t mind.”

Daichi’s breath caught and he waited.

“When Kou told me,” Souta went on, leaning one elbow on the top of Daichi’s bookcase. “First, that he liked boys. Then, that he liked _you_. I didn’t mind. In fact, I was kinda relieved.” He rubbed his fingers slowly across his lips, eyes staring down the length of his crooked nose at Daichi. “I was relieved because I knew you. Thought you were a good kid. Someone who already cared about him, wouldn’t hurt him.”

Daichi winced and struggled to sit up, sheet sliding down his bare chest to gather in his lap.

“You’d think that now, after you’ve proven me wrong, that I’d no longer find comfort that it’s you.” He pushed away from the wall and Daichi’s chest tightened. “But that’s not the case.” He stood at the side of Daichi’s bed, looming over him. “Actually, I’m _still_ relieved that it’s you. Now just for a different reason.” He bent forward and Daichi held his breath, resisting the terrified urge to scoot away, hide under his sheet, call for help.

Souta held his stare and lowered his voice to a deep whisper.

“What a relief…” Souta’s hand reached out and hovered just in front of his face. “That the guy that broke my little brother’s heart lives _right_ _next door_.” His hand drew closer until he could only see him through the gaps of his long, calloused fingers. “I won’t have to travel far at all.”

Daichi squeezed his eyes shut just as the pads of Souta’s fingertips brushed his skin. Seconds passed with nothing happening, and then the touch disappeared and he cracked his eyes open once more.

“When’s nationals?” Souta straightened and pulled a new cigarette from the carton he produced from the back pocket of his jeans. He stuck it in his mouth and lit it.

Daichi swallowed. “January.”

Souta inhaled on the cigarette and breathed the smoke out with a hum, stuffing the lighter back into his front pocket.

“Not too far off…” he mused. He stared down at Daichi for several long moments and then turned away. “I can wait.” He walked to the sliding door and Daichi released a sigh, thanking god that he wouldn’t be killed.

At least not until after nationals, apparently.

Souta paused at the balcony and looked at him over his shoulder.

“You know…”

Daichi held his breath.

“Hate her,” he said. “Go ahead and hate her all you want. Nothin’ wrong with that. She deserves it.”

A cold hand squeezed Daichi’s heart and he chewed on his bottom lip, eyes stinging.

“But quit that hating yourself shit.” Souta’s eyebrows lowered, eyes narrowed. “There’s gonna be plenty of people out there in the world who are gonna hate you enough that you don’t gotta waste a single bit of energy doin’ it yourself.”

Daichi knotted his hands in his sheet.

Souta stared at him for a few more seconds before turning and stepping out onto the balcony.

“Quit bein’ such a pussy, Dai-kun. Looks bad on you.”

He slid the door shut behind him and Daichi fell back on his bed, draping an arm over his eyes.

_Quit bein’ such a pussy._

Daichi chewed on his bottom lip.

_I’m trying._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daichi and I are both sick this week.  
> I hope this chapter is alright. I know it's super dramatic. I was gonna try and fix it but I'm too sick, feel sorry for me.
> 
> Thank you all for reading, I promise these idiots will eventually begin to communicate properly. (or will they?)
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=NXtAp_kqQsqP_4p7M586Bg)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> Distraction


	6. Almost unbearable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moods:  
> [Seesaw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEIwwuQY_Cg)  
> "Alright, a repeating seesaw game  
> It's about time we put an end to it  
> All right, this boring seesaw game  
> Somebody has to get off of it  
> There's no turning back"
> 
> [better off](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isRaafOdGbE)  
> "I can feel it in my bones  
> Sinking deeper in the overflow  
> Can you feel it in your soul?  
> If I'm honest  
> Maybe we're better off alone"

“Holy fuck you look like _shit_.”

Sugawara lifted his head and blinked groggily at Nakatani, who lowered into the seat across from his at the lunch table.

He whistled. “Damn. Let me guess. You were up all night jerking it?”

“I wish,” Sugawara muttered and rubbed his eyes. He sighed and leaned his cheek against his fist and poked at his lunch with his chopsticks. “I sat up with Daichi all night.”

“Oh sweet. So you were up all night jerking _him_?”

“ _I wish._ ”

“Haha gross.”

Sugawara stared down into his rice. “He had a fever and was crazy delirious. So I stayed and looked after him.”

Nakatani hummed. “How romantic. Did he fall for you?”

“Well, he was unconscious for most of it, so I doubt it.” He groaned. “I, on the other hand, was very, _very_ awake and wiping the sweat from his nearly naked body. Which- granted- was amazing, but at the same time, awful, because I’m trying to _not_ feed my fantasies of the jackass, which were already horny enough without that experience under my belt.”

“Haha I really regret starting this conversation.”

“Naoki, date me.”

“No thanks. I know you’d just be imagining Sawamura whenever we were together.”

Sugawara pursed his lips. “If it’d make you feel better, you can imagine him too. I won’t mind.”

“I’ll pass.”

“Boo…”

Sugawara pushed his food around his bento box silently as Nakatani bit into his bread and watched him.

“So Sawamura’s sick, huh? I didn’t think the guy got sick. Seems like the type that would just scare the viruses away with a stern look.”

Sugawara snorted. “I swear to god I’ve only seen him sick like… three times in his whole life. And each time it's just the _worst_. It always hits him like a fucking bus.” He fell silent for a moment and sighed. “Though I’m pretty sure this time it’s my fault.”

“How?” Nakatani asked with a full mouth. “Did you inject him with a disease or sneeze in his face or somethin’?”

“No…” Sugawara poked a sausage. “But it’s my fault that his mood has been so bad lately. Even though I know that he has a lot going on right now and we’re all a little overwhelmed and burnt out from club… I’ve been pressuring and stressing him out.”

Nakatani contemplated for a moment and then shrugged. “Sure, maybe. You might have had a little something to do with it. But I wouldn’t say it’s your fault. Sawamura did this shit to himself.”

“He didn’t do it to himself,” Sugawara argued, anger spiking with the need to defend his idiot captain. “It’s not like he _asked_ his best friend to drop a big gay confession on him when his life was already a flaming shit sandwich. I mean… he’s the captain, and he carries the pressure of the team’s success on his shoulders, even though it’s not up to him, not completely." His nose scrunched and he glared down at the table. "There are six people on the court. It’s not one person’s responsibility to carry _anything_ but he still _does._ And it's not just volleyball.” Sugawara huffed and rubbed his eyes. “It’s _everything_. He’s always taking on too much. Taking care of everyone and being his stupid, hot, natural born leader self even when he’s fucking exhausted and _ugh_ , I hate him, the stupid perfect bastard.”

Nakatani leaned over and patted Sugawara’s hand. “There, there, it’s okay. Let’s not get emotional.”

Sugawara flicked him and he retracted his hand with a grin. Sugawara lifted a broccoli tree in his chopsticks and scrutinized it.

“He said… he thought of me like a brother.”

Nakatani hissed. “Ooooohhh… ouch. Man that’s gotta sting.”

“It’s like, the final nail being hammered into my coffin, Dude. No way will I ever get to suck his dick if he considers it incest.”

“Haha stop that.”

“How can I convince him to bareback me if he thinks we’re brothers? Naoki please enlighten me how I can pull this feat off.”

“Haha I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

Sugawara snickered but the humor he was trying to convey was a farce. The conversation was merely making him feel worse, drudging up the events of the day before. He joked about it, but in reality, it still hurt.

A lot.

It hurt, what Daichi had said.

It hurt, the way he had looked, feverish and confused and teary-eyed.

It hurt, the way he had clung to his hand and whispered apologies, begging him not to leave.

Fuck, everything hurt and Sugawara just didn’t know how to cope.

“I need a distraction,” he mumbled after a long minute.

“You mean like... juggling circus dogs?” Nakatani cocked an eyebrow.

"Would I be juggling the circus dogs, or are the circus dogs the ones juggling?" Sugawara asked.

"Second one."

"What are they juggling?"

"Work, family, me-time, and love."

"How do they do it, Naoki? How have these circus dogs mastered the art of a completely balanced life?"

"Alcohol and porn."

"Ah yes, the only true answers to the biggest questions of the universe."

"I really enjoy our talks, Koushi."

"As do I, Naoki."

For a moment they stared at each other, lips tugged into pinched smiles. Nakatani waggled his arched eyebrows at him and Sugawara let out a snort.

He sighed and shoved his hair back from his face. “I really do need some sort of distraction though. Like... someone to make out with me. All my problems would disappear if I had a hottie to swap fluids with.”

“Jesus, have you always been this horny?”

“It was easier holding the hormones in when I entertained the idea that maybe someday Daichi would love me.”

Nakatani scrunched his nose. “Don’t mind.”

Sugawara drummed his fingers on the table. “How about it? Wanna make out?”

“After you’ve planted the image of Sawamura barebacking you into my mind? _Hard_ pass.”

Sugawara clicked his tongue. “Coward.”

“Your fault.”

"You should be thanking me. What a beautiful image that is."

"I like to imagine Sawamura has a cute birthmark on his right buttcheek. In the shape of a little bird," Nakatani said with a small smile.

"Your mind is truly a Utopian landscape."

Nakatani winked.

Sugawara smiled and rested his chin in the palm of one hand. He allowed his eyes to wander away, until he met the gaze of someone sitting at a table next to theirs. Instead of looking away, the other set of eyes remained on him, steadily staring. Sugawara stared back, fingers slowly stroking over his bottom lip.

“Hey Naoki…”

“Hm?”

“What do you know about Yoshida?”

Nakatani was silent for a long moment. Then,

“Fuckin' called it.”

* * *

Souta was in his bedroom when he returned home after practice that night.

“What’re you doing?” Sugawara mumbled as he tossed his bag to the side and shucked off his jacket.

Souta didn’t look up from where he sat just inside the sliding door of his balcony. “Fixing your lock.”

Sugawara yawned and staggered to his bed. “Thought Dad was gonna do that.” He collapsed onto his mattress and hugged one of his pillows to his chest.

Souta wiggled the handle, tugging on it. When it didn’t budge, he released it and turned to face Sugawara. “Old man’s useless.”

“Hm, he has his good points.” Sugawara yawned again. “Provides for the family and what not.”

“Keep this locked,” Souta said and crawled to his bed. “I don’t want Dai-kun sneaking over here.”

Sugawara snorted. “As if he would.”

Souta sat in front of him and stared into his face. Sugawara blinked up at him.

“What?”

“You know I’ll kill him. If you just ask.”

Sugawara smiled. “I know. I don’t want you to. Daichi didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not his fault he doesn’t like me back.”

“It’s his fault he made you cry though.”

Sugawara chuckled. “Yeah, I guess so. Still… I’ll pass. We need a captain for nationals and I don’t think I could take over.”

Souta clicked his tongue. Sugawara reached out and patted his head.

“Good Souta. You’re a good brother.”

Souta hummed and rested his chin on the mattress in front of him, still staring.

“What?” Sugawara asked after a moment.

“You should date Asa-kun.”

Sugawara laughed. “ _Why_?”

“He’s such a bitch, there’s no way he could hurt you.”

“Okay, true as that may be, Asahi is like, totally head over heels in love with Nishinoya and I don’t think I could compete with that level of intensity.”

“Then someone else. Someone timid and weak and disgustingly devoted. Who I can bully.”

“Is there anyone out there you _can’t_ bully?”

“You.”

“So dating myself is off the table?”

“Actually, that sounds ideal. Won’t have to threaten anyone that way.”

Sugawara was silent for a few seconds. “Wait, have you threatened Daichi?”

Souta didn’t reply.

“Souta.”

His lips pouted but still he remained stubbornly silent.

“When?”

He looked away. “Couple times. Few days ago… few hours ago.”

“Oh my god. What did you say to him?”

“Nothing important.”

“Do you really expect me to believe that?”

Souta reached out and gently lifted Sugawara’s wrist. He placed his hand on his hair and released. Sugawara stifled a smile and petted over his head, slowly working the grey hair stiffened by gel out of its slicked back position until it fell over his forehead, immediately softening his usually intimidating appearance.

“Only did it because he made you cry,” he said, eyes closed. “His fault.”

“Maybe I’m just too sensitive?”

“I didn’t raise you to be sensitive.”

“Since when did you _raise_ me?”

“Since forever.”

Sugawara flicked the silver ring pierced through the helix of his ear. “You’re wrong. I’m the one who raised you. You were nothing but a delinquent until I was born.”

“Still am.”

“You’re a teddy bear.”

Souta grumbled and glared at him.

Sugawara giggled and continued to muss up his hair, carving rows through it with his fingers. After a long minute, Souta’s eyes were closed again and Sugawara glanced towards the balcony.

“So…” he said quietly. “How did he look?”

“Like he doesn’t deserve you.”

“I mean health wise.”

“Like he’s gonna get his ass kicked the next time you cry over him.”

Sugawara yanked on a lock of his bangs.

Souta winced and cracked his eyes open. “He looked fine. You don’t need to go over there.”

“Maybe I should check on him.”

“Why? What has he done for you?”

“Souta you’re too unforgiving.”

“You’re too forgiving. Let him rot.”

Sugawara sighed and rolled onto his back. “He’s still my best friend.”

“Don’t care.”

Sugawara glared at him. Souta returned it, mussed hair detracting from the usual severity of the look.

“What are you going to do when I _do_ get a boyfriend?”

“Kill him."

“And if I decide that I like girls after all and get a girlfriend?”

“Kill her.”

“You’d hurt a woman?”

“I won’t hesitate to destroy anyone who needs destroying.”

“God you’re so dramatic.” He rolled his eyes. “Fine, if I ever find someone, I’ll just never introduce you.”

Souta grunted.

Sugawara looked towards the balcony again. The curtain was pulled halfway across, but through the half uncovered, he could see Daichi’s room, dark on the other side of his glass door. He gulped, the urge to jump the gap between their rooms making the back of his throat taste sour.

Maybe it would be okay. He just wanted to see that he was alright. He could take a little peek and then come back. Daichi didn’t even have to know that he was there. He didn’t have to know and Sugawara could make sure that he wasn’t dead and—

Souta pressed a hand over Sugawara’s eyes, blinding him.

Neither of them spoke for long, long seconds.

“Forget him,” Souta finally whispered and Sugawara’s chest filled with tight emotion. “Forget him.”

Sugawara bit down on his bottom lip, chin trembling.

“You’ll find someone better. So just forget him.”

Moisture slipped from the corners of Sugawara’s eyes, wetting Souta’s fingers.

“Move on.”

Sugawara sniffled and reached up. He gripped Souta’s hand and pressed it more firmly against his eyes.

_Move on…_

_I’m trying._

* * *

“ _Follow!_ ”

Sugawara stood on the sidelines and drank from his water bottle, watching silently as Daichi and Nishinoya did their best to coach Hinata in receiving. The little redhead was getting frustrated, obvious by the tense position of his shoulders. Nishinoya was explaining his form in that untranslatable way that geniuses did, all sound effects and feelings that didn’t make any sense whatsoever to normal people like Sugawara. Kageyama shouted abuse from the other side of the net, Yamaguchi holding onto his arm in attempts to keep him from full on attacking.

Sugawara’s eyes slid to Daichi, who used the sleeve of his t-shirt to wipe the sweat from his forehead. He seemed to have completely recovered from his illness, back to his formidable, steadfast self.

_Thank God._

It had been terrifying, seeing him in that frail, vulnerable state back in his room.

“Try it again,” Daichi commanded and everyone went back to their positions.

Sugawara inhaled deeply. They hadn’t said more than a handful of words to each other the entire day, made eye contact even less.

Maybe that was the norm from now on. They were already on the path to separation as it was, but after the things that had been said that night in the gym, Sugawara was fairly certain that the rift that had cracked between them was officially beyond repair.

And man that _sucked_.

Sugawara had lost friends before. It was a part of growing up. Friends came and went, in and out through a revolving door. But Daichi was different. He was Sugawara’s _best_ friend. And Sugawara had never lost a best friend before.

It was much harder than the others. Almost unbearable. Sugawara didn’t know what to do with these emotions. Didn’t know how to cope.

He needed a distraction.

Asahi and Tanaka walked up and grabbed water bottles from the basket at Sugawara’s feet. They exchanged a look and stood on either side of him, facing the court in time to watch a volleyball slam into Hinata’s forearms and go flying across the gym in the wrong direction.

“ _Hinata bokeeeeeee!_ ”

Daichi intercepted Kageyama when he finally crossed under the net and went for Hinata.

Asahi hummed. “Uhm, Suga, I think Kageyama could use another lesson on how to… well, you know.”

“Not be a total aggressive jackass?” Tanaka offered and took a long drink from his water.

Sugawara pursed his lips and wiped the side of his neck with the towel draped over his shoulder. “Daichi has it under control.”

They were silent for a moment. Then Tanaka cleared his throat.

“So… how… how are you and Daichi-san doing?”

“We’ve broken up.”

“Is… is that so? I didn’t realize you were together…”

“We’ve friend broken up.”

“What do you mean?” Asahi interceded. “Like… really? You’re not friends anymore?”

Sugawara watched Daichi drag Kageyama to the other side of the court, scolding him.

“Not officially,” he said, voice soft. “But we’ve basically broken up.”

Asahi and Tanaka exchanged another look and Sugawara sighed.

“We said things,” he said, turning away. “Things that I’m sure we’d both like to take back. But we can’t. And it feels like we’re broken up, so I guess we’re broken up.”

Asahi and Tanaka followed him as he moved around the gym, gathering up volleyballs and tossing them into the large rolling basket.

“You seem pretty calm about this, considering,” Tanaka said.

“I don’t think I have any tears left to cry.” He straightened from bending over to pick up a ball and Asahi was suddenly at his side.

He wrapped his arms hard around him and squeezed.

“We can still fix it,” he said, voice trembling. “I know we can fix it. We just have to… if we just…”

Sugawara chuckled and patted his arm. “I appreciate the sentiment, Asahi, but it’s pointless. This is just the path that our relationship has decided to take. I don’t like it, but I don’t know what to do about it, either. Every time we talk, we make it worse. And ignoring it doesn’t work either so… what left is there than to just… let it happen?”

“You can fight!” Tanaka insisted, throwing a ball into the basket. “C’mon Suga-san! It’s not like you to just roll over and accept things!”

“Wrong. I’m great at rolling over and accepting things. I’m a pro at it, actually. Go with the flow Sugawara Koushi. That’s me.” He pulled away from Asahi and dribbled the ball in his hands. “That’s what let me just hand over the role of the main setter to Kageyama. And that’s what I’ll do here. It’s better for both of us to stop fighting, and it’s impossible to not fight when we are together, so the only thing left to do is break up.”

He tossed the ball into the basket and moved to grab another.

“I don’t like it,” Asahi whispered.

“Me neither,” Sugawara mumbled. “But that’s just how it is.”

Tanaka clicked his tongue. “Fuck that defeatist talk. You’re just giving up.”

“Exactly.”

Tanaka’s nose scrunched.

Loud claps drew their attention across the gym.

“Alright, let’s clean up!” Daichi called and the rest of the team scattered to take down the net and gather up the rest of the club’s supplies. “Good work today!”

Sugawara escaped from Asahi and Tanaka in order to help Ennoshita with sweeping.

_This is fine._

_Good, actually._

_Look at me._

_Free at last._

_Think of all the things I’ll be able to do without the weight of my hope holding me back._

Sugawara pressed his lips in a tight line and pushed the long, flat broom across the floor.

_I could totally get laid._

_Just pick a guy that will have me and totally get laid._

_No point in saving myself anymore._

He lifted his eyebrows.

_Holy shit I could be a slut._

_That sounds fun._

_New guy every weekend._

_All fun, no strings._

Sugawara made a face and turned to push the broom the opposite way.

_Maybe not._

_It’d be too tiring trying to find partners._

_I wish everyone were gay._

_It would be so easy if everyone were gay._

_Then maybe I could convince Daichi to love me._

He peeked at where Daichi was talking to Kiyoko, pointing at her clipboard.

His heart strained and he turned away.

He needed a distraction.

* * *

“No way. You’re one of those guys who hides in the library during lunch? Since when?”

Sugawara lifted his head.

Yoshida leaned against the bookcase at the end of the row where he sat playing a card game on his phone.

Sugawara pulled the watermelon lollipop from his mouth. “Well, all my other hiding spots keep getting found so I had to improvise.”

Yoshida walked down the aisle and stood across from him, hands in the pockets of his pants. “Anyone in particular you’re hiding from?”

“You don’t know him.”

“Sure.”

Sugawara placed the lollipop back in his mouth, eyeing him silently. He went back to his game, placing a card on the virtual table.

“So what about you?” he asked, tucking the lollipop into his cheek to speak. “What are you doing here?”

Yoshida hummed. “Maybe I followed you.”

“Oh? Lucky me. First the volleyball captain can’t leave me alone, then the basketball captain, now the soccer captain? Gee, if I get the baseball captain next, I’ll have a full set.”

“What do Sawamura and Nakatani want from you?”

Sugawara snorted, “Everything I don’t want to give, nothing I do.”

“I never noticed how cryptic you are.”

“Hot, huh?”

“A little bit.”

Sugawara’s eyes flicked up at him. Yoshida cocked an eyebrow, small tilt to his lips.

Sugawara looked back down at his phone and rolled his tongue over the lollipop, shifting it from one cheek to the other and then back. When he finished his game, he twirled the candy’s stick in his fingers and leaned his head back, appraising the other boy with an appreciative stare.

“Got a reason for maybe following me?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” Yoshida glanced down the aisle. “Maybe it was just an impulse.”

Sugawara slowly popped the candy out of his mouth, lips smacking. “Get impulses like that often?”

“Maybe.”

Sugawara snorted. He closed out of his game and climbed to his feet. “You’re not a very decisive guy, are you?”

“I can be. When I want to be.”

“And you don’t want to be right now?”

“Hmm…” Yoshida’s eyes trailed down Sugawara’s face, to his throat, and then lower. “I’m just getting a feel first.”

“A feel,” Sugawara repeated, tongue slipping from his mouth and licking over the lollipop in a languid stroke. “Of me?”

Yoshida’s eyes lifted to his once more.

“Maybe.”

Sugawara grinned. “How fun.”

“Hmm…” Yoshida continued to look over him lazily, hands in his pockets.

Sugawara could practically feel his eyes on him, tracing the line of his body underneath his clothes, lingering on the dips of his collarbones peeking out of his shirt. It wasn’t an unwelcome sensation. It was very _welcome_ actually. Being seen… it was something Sugawara wasn’t used to feeling, especially not in this way. The way Yoshida seemed completely content to look at him, admire the contours of his throat and lips… it was distracting.

And Sugawara really needed a distraction.

“I’ve got something to confess,” Yoshida finally said.

“What’s that?” Sugawara rolled his tongue over the lollipop again and Yoshida watched the motion closely.

“The other day, at lunch, I heard you and Nakatani talking.”

Sugawara blinked.

“You two weren’t being as quiet as you thought you were.”

“Oops,” Sugawara looked away, a sudden, uncomfortable itch spreading under his skin.

So then he knew. About Sugawara’s pathetic crush on his best friend who didn’t feel the same way.

_Even Yoshida knows._

_Way to go, Loser._

“So you’re looking for a distraction.”

Sugawara met his eyes once more.

Yoshida smirked. “How about me?”

“Hmmm? You want to be my distraction?” He reached into his pocket and found the wrapper for the lollipop.

“I think you might find me useful, in some way.”

Sugawara chuckled and twirled the lollipop. He stared at it for a moment and then looked at Yoshida.

“Wanna taste?”

Yoshida held his stare. “Sure.”

Sugawara took a step towards him, pulling out the wrapper. He placed it back on the candy and shoved it into his pocket. He moved close and placed his hands on both of his shoulders. He leaned up to close the few centimeter gap in their heights and covered his lips with his, instantly sliding his tongue into his mouth. Yoshida’s tongue met his, and they shared the flavor of the watermelon candy in a long, searing kiss.

Yoshida gripped Sugawara’s hips and pulled him close. One hand slid up his spine and he turned his head and slanted their mouths together. Sugawara’s hands coasted up his shoulders and he wrapped his arms around his neck. He leaned into him, pressing his body flush to his. It was distracting, feeling a firm, warm body so close to his. Being wrapped up in arms and touched in such a hungry way.

It was good, feeling that this person wanted him. Wanted to taste him, hold him closer, touch him more.

It wasn’t love.

But it was distracting.

And that was good.

Sugawara’s hand slid through his hair and cupped his jaw. They broke away and then met again, tongues and lips moving in tandem, driven by the same goal.

To touch.

To taste.

To feel.

Sugawara’s heart pounded in his chest and his stomach tightened. Yoshida’s hand glided back down his spine to the small of his back, fingers splaying wide.

And he wasn’t Daichi.

Which was a total bummer.

It wasn’t love and he wasn’t Daichi but while his tongue was in his mouth and his hands were grabbing at his hips and pulling him closer, Sugawara wasn’t thinking about anything else.

He didn’t _need_ to think of anything else. Yoshida wiped his mind clear and he had zero worries, zero heartbreak. He only had the pleasure of making out with someone he barely knew, in a quiet, secluded corner tucked way at the back of the library.

It was good. It was hot. And Sugawara wanted more.

Suddenly, the sound of a wood scooting across the floor just at the end of their aisle broke them from their reverie. They both looked towards the sound and Sugawara went cold.

Daichi stood next to a chair pushed askew from its place at a table and stared at them with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape.

Sugawara and Yoshida didn’t move, frozen in place by the shock of getting caught. Daichi’s eyes moved over their bodies, their hands, and then looked away.

“So-sorry.” He turned and disappeared again.

Seconds ticked by and finally Sugawara was able to breathe again. He faced Yoshida, centering his gaze on his chin.

“Well…” he whispered. “That was a mood killer.”

“Hmm…” Yoshida’s hands fell from his hips and Sugawara took a step back, running his fingers through his hair. “Lunch is almost over anyway.”

Sugawara nodded. “Yeah. I should…” He sidestepped and then headed down the aisle where Daichi had disappeared.

“Hey, Sugawara.”

He paused and turned back to him.

“If you ever need a distraction again… hit me up.”

Sugawara gulped. “I will.”

He pulled his sucker from his pocket, tore the plastic off of it again, and placed it in his mouth.

_Oh, I will._

* * *

The rest of the school day was as excruciating as Sugawara imagined it would be. He and Daichi didn’t make eye contact once in class, and they left at different times to head to volleyball practice. Sugawara waited behind, hugging his bag to his chest as he watched Daichi collect his things and leave the classroom without casting a backwards glance.

Sugawara supposed it was natural. It was awkward walking up on someone in the middle of a steamy make out session. He had never done it before… but if he did, he would have a hard time looking at the person in the eye for a while… probably. Maybe.

It didn’t help that Daichi knew that Sugawara would much rather be making out with _him_.

Talk about double awkward.

And right after the two had fought and basically, sort of, broken up?

Triple whammy.

Sugawara waited until he knew Daichi would be done changing and in the gym before he made his way to the club room. It was empty, thank god. He didn’t know how successfully he could hold up cheerful small talk with this new concern plaguing his mind.

_Oh God Daichi saw me making out with Yoshida._

_What do I do?_

_What can I do?_

_Should I even do anything?_

_What’s the big deal?_

_It’s not like we’re dating._

_Daichi has made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want to date me._

_So I’m free to kiss whoever the fuck I want._

_Daichi doesn’t care at all._

He paused in the middle of changing to lean against the wall, smacking his head for falling into the trap of hurting his own goddamn feelings again.

_Shut up._

_Get over it._

_It’s none of Daichi’s business who you kiss and if he has a problem with it… well he can fuck off._

He finished changing and ran to practice to avoid being late, making it just in time to join the others for warm-ups.

Daichi didn’t look at him. Not that Sugawara was surprised. He tried not to look at him either, hovering around Ennoshita and Narita instead. Luckily, practice that day didn’t toss them together in some cruel twist of fate, forcing them to speak and make eye contact and act like the tension between them wasn’t thicker than Daichi’s thighs.

When practice ended, Sugawara took his time in the club room, changing between Asahi and Kinoshita, who asked him for advice on aiming his serves, which Sugawara was more than willing to answer, allowing the conversation to distract him from the fact that Daichi was just across the room.

Taking off his clothes.

_Shut up, thirsty._

_You are the reason why things are so damn awkward right now._

_You and your stupid horniness._

_Keep it in your pants, Loser._

When he was done changing, he risked a glance in Daichi’s direction, but he was already gone. He let out a breath of relief and sat on the floor to stuff his volleyball shoes into his bag. The others left, one by one, until it was just Asahi and Sugawara.

“Are you coming?” Asahi asked at the door, giving him a look.

Sugawara leaned against the wall, hugging his legs.

“Uhm, I think I’ll wait. Just a little.”

“For what?”

“Daichi to get home.”

Asahi sighed.

“Don’t sigh at me. It’s called _self-preservation_ , Dick.”

“It’s called _being a coward_ , Coward.”

Sugawara gasped.

“I would know,” Asahi opened the door and gave him one last look. “You know, as a big one myself.”

He left and Sugawara was alone.

_Even Asahi is sick of your shit, Loser._

Sugawara sighed and leaned his head back against the wall. He would wait, just a little while. Give Daichi a big enough head start that even if Sugawara sprinted, he wouldn’t catch up to him.

“Wow I’m a fucking loser,” he said out loud, voice echoing in the room. “Sugawara Koushi, biggest loser at Karasuno high school. Look how loser-y he is, sitting in the club room all by himself because he’s too terrified of talking to his former best friend because he’s a big gay loser who has a crush on him and doesn’t want to accept the fact that he will never feel the same! Wow! Marvel at his pitiful existence!” He let out a loud, belting laugh. “Loser!”

He flopped over on his side and pushed out another, long, dramatic sigh.

“Thank God graduation isn’t too far off, huh, Koushi?” He said, staring at his hand on the floor in front of his face. “Make it until then and you can yeet outta town and go to uni and never have to think about Sawamura Daichi ever again… you know… except every single day of your remaining life because you are _so gay_ and will never be satisfied with any other man.” He lifted the hand in the air and gave a rough thumbs down. “Boooo, you suuuuuuck. Loser.”

He rolled onto his stomach and leaned his forehead against the floor, cringing at the smell of sweaty socks. “You’re such a loser, Koushi. You’re going to have to fill your life with emotionless one night stands and make out sessions in libraries and under stairs and behind buildings because you’re a stupid, horny loser who doesn’t know how to handle rejection. What a fuckin’ tool. No wonder Daichi doesn’t love you. No wonder he only thinks about you as a brother. Only brothers are _this_ embarrassing and cringy. Loser.”

He pounded his head on the ground and spread his arms and legs. He let out a long groan. “Maybe I’ll just… become a monk. Find enlightenment in some way that _isn’t_ getting barebacked by Daichi. If such a thing exists.” His head rolled to the side and he stared at the door. “I’ll be abstinent, give my body and soul to the pursuit of spirituality and peace of mind. Live in the mountains and shave my head and let monkeys crawl all over me. Meditate under waterfalls and eat nothing but pine nuts and berries. Live a long, peaceful life… without technology… without sex…”

He growled and flopped onto his back. “As _if_ I could pull that off. Watch, I’d move in to the temple and celebrate by jerking off and get kicked out immediately. That would be a story to tell. _Hey Koushi, I thought you were becoming a monk?_ Nah, didn’t last a day without seeing a thick ass tree and coming all up inside my robes.”

He barked out a laugh and rubbed his eyes.

“Wow, I’m such a loser.” He hummed and stared up at the ceiling. “At least I’m funny. Maybe I’ll be a comedian. Make tons of dough, get rich and famous, have people begging at my feet to get on top of me. Then maybe Daichi will be like _wow I need some of that_ and he will show up at my hotel when I’m in town one day and he’ll be like _yo do you still love me_ and of course I’ll be like _yeah_ because no way could a loser like me actually, you know, _move on_ from a catch like Sawamura Fucking Daichi. Then we could kiss and hug and he’d let me fondle his thighs and his butt and he’d tell me that he loves me and we can get married and be together forever and ever and adopt some cute little kids and live out in the countryside with four dogs and a vegetable garden.”

He sighed.

“That’s the dream…”

He lay there silently for a long minute and then fumbled his cell phone from his pocket. He held it over him and checked the time.

“’S probably safe,” he muttered. “Guess I’ll go—”

The phone slipped out of his hand and slammed into his face, corner connecting with his left eye.

“ _Ooooowwww fucking fuck!”_ Sugawara rolled onto his side and covered his face with his hands, kicking his legs back and forth. “ _Fucking shit ass stupid bitch phone mother fucker god damn it that hurt you bastard asshole jack wagon son of a fucking whore_ —”

He peeled his eyes open, blinking away tears.

Yeah, it was definitely time to go home.

His little vocal rant had been therapeutic, to say the least, but he had lingered too long.

He pushed up on his knees and grabbed his phone, resisting the urge to chuck it against the wall. He shoved it in his pocket and slung his bag over his shoulder.

_I can’t believe this is my life now._

_Hiding in the club room every day like a bitch, fantasizing about living in a cottage with Daichi and our many dogs._

_Get a grip, Loser._

He trudged across the room and finally opened the door, releasing a tired sigh. He stepped out onto the walkway outside and closed the door behind him, locking it with his key.

The sight of Daichi leaning against the wall just to the left of the door scared a shriek from him and he nearly collapsed to his knees.

He gripped at his heart and took a step back, eyes blown wide.

“Did you _hear all of that_?” he asked, voice squeaking in terror.

Daichi furrowed his brows. “Hear what?”

“Nothing!” He ran his quivering hands through his hair, pushing it away from his face, and looked away.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! What is he still doing here? He’s waiting for me? WHY? Oh fuck I’m so fucking screwed. Please god just kill me right now. I’ll never ask for anything else ever again. Please just end my misery before I make a complete ass of myself. Again._

Daichi and Sugawara walked side by side to the stairs and then down to the ground, not saying a word.

Awkward. It was so awkward. What should he do? Should he speak? He didn’t know what to say. It was too awkward. He couldn’t think of a single innocent thing to talk about that wouldn’t potentially make everything so, so much worse. So he remained silent, begging Daichi to do what he was unfortunately best at, pretending like nothing ever happened. But minutes passed as they walked towards home and still, nothing.

It wasn’t until they were passing by the park that Daichi’s low voice finally came, scaring another jump out of Sugawara.

“I was looking for you.”

Sugawara gulped. “Hu-huh?”

“At lunch. I was looking for you. I wanted to talk to you. Nakatani said he saw you walking towards the library. That’s why I was there.”

“Oh…” _Don’t ask him what he wanted to talk about. It’s a trap. Don’t ask. Don’t ask. Change the subject. Quick, think of a way to change the subject!_

“Are you and Yoshida dating?”

Sugawara gritted his teeth.

“No.”

Daichi was silent for a moment before going on. “Then why were you two…”

“Just felt like it.”

“You _just felt like_ making out with Yoshida in the library?”

“Yeah.”

Daichi stared forward. “And I suppose you _just_ _felt like_ kissing Nakatani in the park, too?”

Sugawara’s eyes widened and he looked at him. “Did Naoki tell you about that?”

“I saw it too.”

Sugawara looked away, stomach churning.

Seriously? Sugawara hadn't kissed anyone in _years_ , and Daichi just so happened to see _both times_?

“Do you have a problem with it?” Sugawara asked and immediately wanted to punch himself in the face.

_What the fuck are you fishing for, you idiot?_

_Think he’s going to admit that he’s jealous and ask you out?_

_Don’t make me laugh._

_This isn’t the movies, kid._

“I just think it’s weird,” Daichi said and Sugawara winced.

“Sorry me being gay is so weird.”

“No, not that.”

Sugawara shoved his hands into his pockets and stared at the sidewalk as his feet walked over it.

“I think it’s weird… that you _just_ _felt like_ making out with these guys.”

“It’s not weird,” he mumbled. “Sometimes people just want to kiss other people. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s not like we’re having sex or doing drugs.”

“I know but…”

“So then what’s the problem? Am I not allowed to kiss people?”

“You are—”

“Then what’s the _problem_ , Daichi?” He glanced at him, warm anger roiling in his chest. “Why the fuck do you _care_ what I do with my own body?”

“I _don’t_ care,” Daichi snapped.

And the words hit Sugawara like a truck.

“I don’t care what you do,” Daichi said again, muscle in his jaw flexing. “I just find it _fucking weird_ that you have supposedly been in love with me for years and _years_ and yet you’re out there kissing other guys without a fucking care in the world.”

“What the hell? You’re the one who rejected me, Daichi. Don’t act like I’m _betraying_ you.” He slowed to a stop and turned towards him.

Daichi did the same, not meeting his eyes. “That’s not what I mean! I just don’t get it. You’re in love with me but you’re making out with random guys just because you _felt like_ it. It doesn’t make sense. Why—”

Fury ripped through him and Sugawara took a step forward, eyebrows lowered over his burning eyes. “It’s not that complicated, Daichi.”

Daichi gulped, finally meeting his gaze.

“You said it yourself, right?” Sugawara held his stare and gestured between them. “This was _just another high school crush_.”

He tore his eyes away.

“And I’m getting over it.”

He walked away, hunching his shoulders to his ears as he blinked back tears.

_God you’re such a liar._

_Fucking loser._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The constant mood of this story: "Am I angrier at Daichi or Suga this chapter??"
> 
> Phew, it took me forever to edit this. I kept trying to stick little banter in and it was causing PROBLEMS so I had to force myself to stop lmao
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Can you believe these guys are STILL the dumbest dudes you ever met? Incredible. How do they do it?
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=nlNE5dlkQxCSIRiuTgmFKA)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> Face yourself


	7. This isn't volleyball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another frame of mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moods:  
> [Not That Simple](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9AR-TnNzF8)  
> "'Cause baby, your beauty marks  
> Are like shooting stars  
> In my goofy heart is one of Cupid's darts  
> I’m just a nervous guy  
> And these words of mine  
> Won't reverse the time  
> To when you were mine"

That hurt more than Daichi expected it to.

_Fuck,_ why did that hurt so much?

It was true. That was what Daichi had said. He had desperately wished that Sugawara’s feelings for him were _just_ a crush that he would eventually get over so that they could go back to being the way they were. But hearing him say it… knowing that he was actively working towards getting over Daichi... was making out with guys in the library…

_Fuck why does it hurt so much?_

Daichi was _not_ going to be that guy. The one who says something, then takes it back a week later. He wasn’t that type of indecisive flip-flopper who didn’t know what he wanted and needed.

He refused to be that guy.

“Hi, my name is Sawamura Daichi, and I’m a huge fucking idiot,” he muttered to his ceiling, lying flat on his back on his mattress. He had really stuck his foot in it this time. He should have just gone home as soon as he left the club room instead of waiting around for Sugawara to come out. Why did he wait for him to come out?

Was asking him if he was dating Yoshida _that_ important to him?

So what if he was? It’s not like Daichi would have _done_ anything if he was. It was none of his business. It would be good, actually, if he was. If Sugawara was dating somebody else, then that would mean that he would no longer have feelings for Daichi. They would be able to be friends again.

_But he would be dating some other guy._

Kissing.

Making out in the library.

Or in his room.

And the other guy would touch him.

Grab at his hips like Yoshida was.

Touch the small of his back like Nakatani did.

Daichi gulped.

Whoever he wound up with would touch him more. In other places too. He’d lay him on his back and lean over him. Kiss his neck and his chest. He’d take his clothes off and kiss him other places, touch him other places. Sugawara would moan and his breathing would get heavy and he’d beg him to do more. And they would. They’d do more and Sugawara would call out his name and scratch his back and this other guy would leave his mark on him.

_In him._

Daichi sat up, slapping a hand over his mouth when bile rose in the back of his throat.

_God, fuck._

The thought of Sugawara doing such things made him feel absolutely sick.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” he whispered and rubbed his temples. This sort of thing shouldn’t bother him. He didn’t care if Sugawara was gay.

He didn’t care.

He knew other guys just like him. Didn’t have a problem with them. And sure, he had never put a ton of thought into the details, the way two guys would have sex.

Daichi had never really thought about it, even though he knew it happened.

But... that didn't mean he had a _problem_ with it.

Right?

…

Asahi.

Asahi was gay, wasn’t he? Daichi didn’t know for sure. He had noticed he acted slightly more flustered around Nishinoya than anyone else, but he didn’t know if it was because of Nishinoya’s intense personality or if Asahi actually had feelings for him.

Daichi grabbed his phone from his night table and opened his and Asahi’s chat.

**_CaptainD:_ ** _asahi r u gay_

He only had to wait a few seconds before he received a reply.

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _jesus, im eating_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _is that a yes?_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _dude do we really gotta talk about this?_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _pls tell me, its important_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _big sigh_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i thought_ _we banned unironically rp-ing_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _bigger sigh_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _asahi PLS_

A minute passed before he got an answer.

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _ok. fine. yes, im gay_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _thank u_

Daichi stared at the wall.

So Asahi was gay too. He liked guys. Probably Nishinoya. So that meant… Asahi probably wanted to do things with him. Like kiss and touch. Maybe even have sex.

Asahi was a total coward so Nishinoya would definitely take the lead. But Nishinoya was a good guy, for all his bluster. He would be really gentle and treat him well. He would take his time. Really go at the foreplay like a king.

Probably.

And then, after a long, long time, Asahi would finally be comfortable. He would beg Nishinoya to get on with it and then Nishinoya would finally…

Daichi inhaled deeply and let it out.

It was weird, thinking of his friends this way. Really weird, honestly.

But…

Daichi didn’t feel sick.

He checked the chat again and read the messages Asahi had sent while he was imagining him in bed with Karasuno’s libero.

(God Daichi had hit a new low.)

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _why?_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _daihci why?_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _cmon you can’t ask that and then disappear_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _thats not fair_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _get back here and tell me one of your biggest secrets now_

Daichi gulped and typed a reply.

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i think its gross_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _WOW_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _nno_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _not u_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _so just gayness in general, right?_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _NO_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _thats not wat i ment_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _u didnt let me finish_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _we talked about this daichi. if its something important that could be misinterpreted you need to send the whole thing in one message. not 10_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _fuck_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _just shut up for a sec_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _im trying to think_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _just look up “how do i convince my gay friend that im not a homophobe after basically telling him that being gay is gross”_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _omg shut up for a sex_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _SEC_

Daichi groaned and held his head in his hands for long moments. How could he explain it? He lifted his phone slowly, anxiously.

**_CaptainD:_ ** _its weird_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _WOW_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _OMG SHUT UP_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _IM NOT FINISHED_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _ULL KNO WHEN IM DONE_

He took a deep breath to compose himself and tried again.

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i thought about it_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _u and noya_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _fucking_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _thanks i hate it_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _shhh_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i thougt about it and its weird becuz u guys are my friends_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _and its weird to think about ur friends fucking_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _thats an understatement_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _but i didnt think its gross_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _like at all_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _its just 2 guys having sex and its not gross to me_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _well thanks for that i guess_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _but the thing is_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i caught suga making out with yoshida 2day_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _and i thought about it_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _him_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _fucking someone_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _and i felt so sick i thought i was gonna throw up_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _asahi it made me feel so sick_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _and i don’t understand why i dont think its gross when its you and noya but when its suga it makes me feel so sick and i hate it so much i just feel so so so so sick_

Daichi lay back on the mattress and stared at the ceiling, stomach twisting uncomfortably. Almost a full minute passed before his phone vibrated in his hand.

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _well, thank you for explaining. im less offended now. youre still a rational and sincere guy, even if you are a huge fucking idiot_

Daichi frowned.

**_CaptainD:_ ** _can u just give me some advice pls_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i know wat ur probably thinking_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _im not that big of an idiot. i thought it 2_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _but i dont think its that_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _hm, so you thought about it and even tho you clearly ONLY hate the idea of SUGA having sex w other people and dont mind the idea of two other guys having sex…_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _you still dont think that you might be in love w him._

Daichi squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his phone over them. He counted slowly to ten, trying to calm the uncomfortable stirring in his chest.

It hurt.

He sucked in a deep breath and typed out a reply.

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i cant be_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _why not_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _just cant_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _if you cant think of a reason why not, then you are._

Daichi sat up and folded his legs. He hunched over his lap and typed with shaking fingers.

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i cant be bcuz i dont feel different_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _when i think of him, it’s the same as always_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i feel the same i always have_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _just now… more sad_

Daichi stared at the screen, waiting for Asahi to say something. Then,

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _well theres your answer, daichi_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _youve been in love with him all along._

He read the words over and over before he was finally able to type again.

**_CaptainD:_ ** _no_

He pressed a hand over his heart. It hurt. And his throat was dry, his head ached. He just wanted to go to sleep and forget ever talking about this. Forget about talking to Sugawara earlier, forget seeing him with Yoshida.

He just wanted to forget.

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _since youve already been doing a lot of thinking about people having sex tonight, ive got a request_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _do it one more time. but this time, its you and suga_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _then try and tell me again that youre not in love with him_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _maybe ill actually believe it_

_Me and Suga…_

Daichi gulped.

He glanced towards his balcony. The curtain was open, and so was Sugawara’s. He peered through to Sugawara’s room, searching for a glimpse of him. A minute passed without any movement in the other room. He was just beginning to think he’d never show up, but then he was there.

Daichi held his breath and watched as Sugawara moved across the room, gait slow, shoulders lowered.

He went to his desk and pushed books to the side, uncovering his laptop. He opened it and then rubbed his face before leaning one hand on the desk and bending at the waist, swiping his finger over the touchpad to bring the screen to life.

Daichi’s eyes trailed over the back of his head, the grey hair mussed and sticking out at every angle. He followed the line of his pale nape to where it disappeared under his white t-shirt. His gaze continued to roam, first over his shoulders and then down his back.

Daichi’s bottom lip worried between his teeth and he inhaled a deep breath through his nose.

_Me and Suga..._

He imagined he was in the room with Sugawara, standing behind him. He pictured his hands spreading over his back, startling him into straightening away from his bend. Daichi would glide his palms around his sides to his front, pressing and touching at his stomach and chest. Sugawara would make a sound. Something soft, almost a gasp and almost a moan. He would lean against Daichi’s chest, resting his head back on his shoulder.

Daichi’s gaze settled on Sugawara’s hips, the curve of his ass straining against the fabric of his sweats.

He thought about Sugawara rubbing back against him, pushing his hips into Daichi’s groin. Daichi would hold onto him, keep him pinned tight to his body. And he would kiss the side of his throat, tongue flicking out to taste his skin all the way from the collar of his shirt to just under his jaw. One of Sugawara’s hands would work its way into Daichi’s hair, and his other would take Daichi’s, lead it downwards.

Daichi would let him guide his hand all the way to the front of his pants. Press it against the fabric. Wrap his fingers around…

He swallowed, fingers coasting over his thigh, tugging at the hem of his shorts, which suddenly felt too tight. He bit down on his bottom lip, the pain doing nothing to distract from the throb in his lower body.

Sugawara suddenly straightened and snapped the laptop shut. He unplugged it from the charger, lifted it, and walked away, out of Daichi’s view.

Daichi let out a shuddering breath, eyes lowering to the front of his pants.

“ _Fuck…_ ”

He hadn’t even imagined anything too sexual yet, hadn’t taken Sugawara’s clothes off or kiss him anywhere other than the neck.

And he was hard.

Over his best friend, the person he used to think was as close to him as a brother.

Daichi fell onto his side and pulled his blanket up and over his head.

“This isn’t happening,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. “This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening.”

There was no way, no _way_ that Daichi had those kinds of feelings for Sugawara. No way. He would have noticed. He was almost eighteen years old, had been friends with Sugawara since they were kids. There was no way that it would take him until he was almost graduated from high school to figure out that he was in love with his best friend, another boy.

“ _No fucking way._ ”

There had to be a mistake.

He was just… it was just…

It was natural. He was a teenage boy, for fuck’s sake. And teenage boys were just… hormonal. He once saw Tanaka get turned on by a pair of tangerines. Daichi getting an erection after imagining his best friend in an… erotic… position was way more reasonable than _that_. At least it was a human being that he was lusting after.

And besides, lust wasn’t love.

_But I do love him._

Daichi pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes.

_He’s my best friend and I would do anything for him._

_I do love him._

_But not… not like that._

_Not like that…_

_Right?_

He gritted his teeth and let out a hissing breath.

Daichi didn’t know.

He just… didn’t know.

* * *

“Have you seen Suga?”

Nakatani looked up from his phone, straw of his juice box in between his lips. He cocked an arched brow and Daichi sat next to him at the table, taking a bite of his bread.

“You know, I really admire your tenacity, Sawamura,” Nakatani said, setting his juice down. “Didn’t Koushi tell you to fuck off and never speak to him again? And yet here you are, looking for him. What a man.”

“He never said that.” Daichi glared at him, mouth full.

“Maybe not out loud.” Nakatani hummed. His eyes traveled over the cafeteria and he nudged Daichi and pointed.

Daichi followed his finger.

Sugawara walked across the cafeteria, the stick of a sucker jutting out from his mouth.

Daichi prepared to stand, but Sugawara suddenly dropped onto the seat next to Yoshida at a table and cocked his head at him, a one-sided smirk lifting the corner of his lips. Yoshida returned the look and stood. He turned and walked away and Sugawara followed, hands in the pockets of his pants and a small bounce to his steps.

Daichi’s throat tightened and he slumped forward, resting his face against his arms folded on the table.

“ _Fwip. Fwip. Fwip. Fwip.”_

Daichi rolled his head to the side and stared up at Nakatani. He flicked his wrist in front of his face, eyes narrowed contemplatively.

“What are you doing?” Daichi grumbled.

“Oh, I’m just sifting through my mental receipts…” he continued to flick his fingers. “ _Fwip. Fwip._ ”

Daichi groaned.

“Ah! Here it is!” Nakatani pretended to hold something in both hands and grinned down at him. “Hey Sawamura, remember a few weeks ago when—”

“ _Shut up._ ”

“—you said you’d sooner call Yoshida your brother than me?” Nakatani laughed. “Well, since you apparently see Koushi as a brother and they seem to be hitting it off, maybe he actually _will_ be your brother soon! Brother-in- _law—”_

Daichi sat up and punched Nakatani on the arm.

“ _Owwww_ ,” he whined and clutched at it with a grimace. “Jeez, you don’t have to be a dick. I fucking _told_ you that I was gonna rub your face in it when I ended up right. You were warned. You’re not allowed to be a prick.”

“You stop being a prick and I’ll stop being one.”

Nakatani stared at him quietly for a moment.

“You okay, Buddy? You look a little…”

_Sick._

Daichi swallowed. His stomach was twisting and churning and his saliva felt too thick.

_Don’t throw up._

_Don’t throw up._

“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered, the words tasting sour on his tongue.

Nakatani leaned his chin against his fist. “About… Koushi?”

_Don’t talk to Nakatani about this._

_He’s not your friend._

_Don’t give him the satisfaction by opening up to him._

He squeezed his hands into fists. “What’s Yoshida’s deal?”

“What do you mean?”

Daichi’s fingernails started to dig into his palms. “What the fuck is his angle? Why the hell is he messing around with Suga? They’ve never even spoken in the past.”

Nakatani scratched his cheek. “Well… can you _blame_ him?”

Daichi clenched his jaw until his teeth ached. “What?”

“I mean… it’s _Koushi_.”

_“So?”_

Nakatani rolled his eyes and groaned. “Dude, stop. No one buys this whole _I don’t understand why people are horny for my best friend_ act.”

“I—”

“Koushi is _hot_.” Nakatani cut him short. “If you can’t see that, then you’re blind.”

“No—”

“He is. Not only is he pretty as fuck, he’s got a good body and a _nice ass_.”

Daichi clenched his fist tighter to prevent himself from punching him in the nose.

“Then, he’s also got the personality to back it up. He’s fun to banter with. He’s hilarious. He’s nice. You know he’d do _anything_ for you, from hiding a dead body to giving you one of his kidneys.” Nakatani rubbed his chin. “Oh, and he’s a great kisser. Like, really good. I mean, I’ve kissed a few people but hands down the best one was Koushi. He knows exactly what to do with his tongue.”

“Stop,” Daichi said, voice strained.

“Hm? Why? It’s true. He’s sexy. And he _knows_ it. You just know he does. He flirts so smooth, as if it’s so obvious that everyone wants a piece of him. And they _do_.” Nakatani eyed him. “You’re sitting here, acting like it’s weird for people to wanna kiss him but honestly it’s weirder that you _don’t._ I mean, I get it. He’s your friend. But everyone has at least _thought_ about kissing their friends.”

“Not me.”

_Until last night…_

“I know! And it’s weird!” Nakatani lifted his juice to his mouth and sucked on the straw momentarily. “Seriously, like… Koushi is _so hot_. I’m not even gay but I want to kiss him again.”

_Don’t._

_Don’t kiss him._

But even though the words sat, acidic on his tongue, he couldn’t get them out of his mouth. Instead, he pulled his arm back and delivered a hard punch to Nakatani’s arm.

“Ow! God damn it, Sawamura! At least have the courtesy to not hit the same place twice! Fuck…”

Daichi stood.

“Where are you going?”

“Nowhere.” Daichi stomped away.

And it wasn’t necessarily a lie.

Despite all his efforts to move on, Sawamura Daichi really was going _nowhere_.

* * *

When he got home from practice that night, the house was quiet. The living room and kitchen were empty, an open bottle of sake on the dining room table. Daichi inhaled a deep breath and walked silently down the hall to the room at the end. He peeked through the crack of the door.

Rikichi sat on the floor, back against the wall, a photo album opened in his lap and a half empty glass on the desk at his shoulder.

For a moment, Daichi merely watched as he turned the pages slowly. He lingered on a certain photo, long fingers gliding over it.

Daichi gulped and pushed into the room.

Rikichi lifted his head at the sound of his arrival.

“Oh, welcome home, Dai. How was school?”

Daichi walked over to him and sat at his side, leaning back against the wall.

“Okay,” he said, glancing down at the photo taped to the page.

A wedding portrait, one that used to be on the wall before Daichi had put his fist through it just a few weeks prior. He stared at the smiling face of the woman in white, leaning into the side of Rikichi, whose eyes were filled with glistening moisture.

Rikichi reached over and squeezed Daichi’s knee.

“Is everything alright? You’ve been a little quiet these past few days.”

Daichi chewed on the inside of his cheek.

“I’m okay,” he finally said, eyes sliding to his lap. He ran his thumbnail along the seam of his track suit pants.

Rikichi was silent for a moment.

“Are you sure?”

Daichi didn’t reply. He stretched his legs out in front of him and locked his eyes on his socks.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I’ve been pretty useless as a dad lately but I am still always here for you, no matter what.”

Daichi swallowed the lump in his throat.

“If…”

Rikichi waited for him to continue.

“If she came back… what would you do?”

He didn’t look at him, but in the corner of his eye, he could see Rikichi stiffen. He gripped the photo album in both hands, thumb rubbing the edges of the pages.

“I… I still…” Rikichi cleared his throat. “I’m still very much in love with your mother. I always have been. She’s always… always been the only one for me.”

Daichi gritted his jaw.

“I keep thinking… if I do _this_ or _that_ , maybe she will come back. Maybe I can do something to win her again. Make her… _love_ me again. I’ve considered it. Packing us up, going to Tokyo. Getting that job she always wanted me to get.”

Daichi held his breath.

“I wouldn’t though,” Rikichi said, hand wrapping around Daichi’s clenched fist in his lap. “Especially not now, when you’re so close to graduating.”

“If she asked, would you take her back?” Daichi pressed.

Rikichi didn’t answer.

“She was the one who left,” Daichi went on. “She chose to leave, to leave us behind. I don’t understand why you still love her. Why you… why you are like _this._ Depressed and drinking all the time just because—”

“We can’t control how we feel, Daichi,” Rikichi interrupted. “That’s not how it works. If I could magically stop feeling this way, don’t you think I would? Even though she left and I'm _angry_ , I still love her and I can’t help that. I can’t stop.”

Frustration was winding itself tight in Daichi’s chest and he just wanted to yell.

“You’re not trying hard enough,” he said, voice terse. “In volleyball—”

“This isn’t volleyball,” Rikichi interrupted. “Love isn’t as simple as volleyball.”

“It should be simpler!” Daichi thrust a hand through his hair. “In volleyball, there are _six_ people on the court, all with their own purpose, their own responsibilities. Six people who can communicate in a split second, working together like cogs in a machine to follow the rules, to connect, to _score_. In a relationship, there are only two people. It should be simpler for two people who have given their lives to one another to _work together and not leave._ ”

“Volleyball is a _game,_ Daichi. Love is not.”

“But—”

“You can’t rationalize something as convoluted as love by relating it to a sport. It’s not that _simple_. _Humans_ aren’t that simple.” Rikichi unwound Daichi’s fist. “Things like emotions have no place in volleyball and you understand that so well. You’ve _always_ understood that. When you’re on the court, you're so good at just… turning them off, leaving them out, and doing what you need to do.” Rikichi’s fingers tightened around Daichi’s hand. “But you _can’t do that with everything_ , Daichi. You can’t turn your feelings off and then _leave_ them off, rationalizing everything in your life like you do with volleyball, as if everything were as simple as a sport.”

Daichi pursed his lips tight together.

“Love just isn’t that simple,” Rikichi’s voice softened. “You feel things that you don’t think you should, or that you don’t want to feel. You feel things that are irrational and maybe even bad for you and you can’t help it. You can’t turn them off or leave them on the bench. You just have to face them and try your best to make sense of them for what they are.”

Daichi stared at his feet.

_Face them._

“I still love your mother,” Rikichi said. “I shouldn’t. I don’t want to. But I do.”

Daichi looked up into his eyes. Rikichi gave him a sad smile, and he looked so much older than he ever had. The wrinkles around his eyes and mouth were deep and long, adding years to his face.

“But if she asked? No. I wouldn’t take her back.”

Daichi blinked. “You… wouldn’t?”

Rikichi shook his head. “I wouldn’t. I can forgive her for what she did to me. I love her too much to stay angry at her for hurting me.” He released Daichi’s hand and smoothed his fingers over his hair. “But I _don’t_ love her enough to forgive her for what she did to you.”

Daichi gulped, eyes stinging. “Why…”

Rikichi chuckled and kissed him gently on the temple.

“I told you,” he murmured. “It’s just not that simple.”

They sat in silence for long minutes before Daichi finally excused himself. He went to his room and closed the door behind him, sparing a glance to the balcony, but Sugawara’s curtains were closed, again.

He collapsed onto his bed and pulled his phone from his pocket. His eyes skimmed over his voicemail inbox, the bright red _15_ of his notification count staring back at him, waiting to be listened to.

He ignored them, again, and instead opened the chat between him and Sugawara. His thumb hovered over the keyboard for long, long seconds before he finally released a large sigh and set the phone aside.

_You just have to face them and try your best to make sense of them for what they are._

He swallowed and stared up at the ceiling over his bed.

“Love isn’t volleyball,” he whispered. “It’s not that simple.”

Daichi didn’t understand anything. It frustrated and confused him but he couldn’t just turn off his emotions and keep handling things as he always had, oversimplifying complicated concepts he didn’t understand.

He owed it to Sugawara, and himself, to face and make sense of his feelings.

The question now was _how_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, I think this is the first chapter I'm not mad at either of them.  
> Babies are figuring it out!  
> Slowly but surely, they're figuring it out. <3  
> Dad of the decade definitely goes to Rikichi though, I adore him. Bless his beautiful heart
> 
> I hope everyone is feeling good, especially since nothing outrageously stupid was done or said in this chapter! Thank you for reading, as always. I'm so sorry I hardly ever reply to comments. I always think, "hey, you should reply to the comments you got on the last chapter" but then I think, "hold up that takes effort and you're very dumb" and then I eat a slice of cheese and take a nap instead. BUT I HOPE YOU ALL REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT YOUR FEEDBACK IS TO ME. IT MAKES ME EXCITED TO KEEP WRITING AND KEEP POSTING. YOU ARE THE ONLY REASON I'M STILL DOING THIS NONSENSE SO THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=LaMgbzIyS46cq47QYFCmrA)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> Let's make up


	8. That's good enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another temporary fix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moods:  
> [Love You Less](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-puWAm9j9Q)  
> "You can't say what's wrong  
> But I've been with you way too long for me not to know it  
> And oh, I know it"
> 
> [The Fall](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FzrD47v0zE)  
> "I'd jump off and into your arms  
> But I can’t trust the fall  
> Take my voice, I’m giving it though  
> I don’t feel safe at all"

**_Puss &Glutes: _ ** _guess who going to nationals, bumpkin_

Daichi stared at the message for long seconds.

A sudden burst of excitement burned in his stomach and he leaned against the wall of the club room to answer.

**_SawamuRawDog:_ ** _me_

**_Puss &Glutes: _ ** _guess who else_

**_SawamuRawDog:_ ** _fuku_

**_Puss &Glutes: _ ** _hey, uncalled for. Fuk u 2_

**_SawamuRawDog:_ ** _i ment fukurodnai_

**_Puss &Glutes: _ ** _oh_

**_Puss &Glutes: _ ** _well yea_

**_Puss &Glutes: _ ** _but guess who else_

**_SawamuRawDog:_ ** _i honestly cant think of anyone else_

**_Puss &Glutes: _ ** _fuku samura i thot we were friends_

**_SawamuRawDog:_ ** _well theres ur problem_

**_Puss &Glutes: _ ** _im gon cri_

**_SawamuRawDog:_ ** _so fragile_

**_SawamuRawDog:_ ** _no wonder ur not going to nationals_

**_Puss &Glutes: _ ** _we are! we are going!_

Daichi chuckled.

“Whatcha laughin’ about, Daichi-san?” Nishinoya asked, stuffing his things into his bag a short distance away.

“Oh, I’m just giving Kuroo shit,” he said.

Hinata let out a happy cry. “Kenma told me last night! I can’t wait to play them at nationals!”

“Hopefully neither of us will lose before we get the chance to,” Kinoshita said, passing Narita’s jacket over to him.

“There’s no way we’ll lose!” Nishinoya announced, legs spread, hands on his hips. “We’re going all the way to the top!”

“That’s the spirit,” Sugawara said and slapped him on the back with a bright smile.

The room filled with the excited hum of conversation and Daichi pushed away from the wall. His phone buzzed and he looked at it again.

But instead a new message from Kuroo, it was a phone call. He stared at the screen, heart in his throat. His thumb was frozen over the phone, hovering above the _ignore_ button.

_Ignore it._

_Don't answer._

_Ignore it._

His teeth clenched tight and his thumb trembled, dipping down towards the answer button. Before it could make contact, a pale hand covered the phone and pushed it down.

Daichi looked up and met Sugawara’s gaze. He stood in front of him, hand still hiding the phone screen from view. Neither of them said a word as they continued to stare into each other's eyes until the buzzing finally stopped and Sugawara pulled his hand away. Daichi glanced down at the phone.

Sugawara swiped the _1 Missed Call from…_ notification from the screen when it appeared.

Daichi gulped and glanced at him again. Sugawara held his eyes for another moment and then turned and went to collect his bag.

The rest of the team had already begun to spill out into the night but Daichi hung back. He waited until he was the last one, and then he stood in the center of the club room with his bag hanging over his shoulder.

He stared down at his phone, at Kuroo’s insistent,

_we are! we are going!_

Nekoma had made it.

There was a chance that Karasuno and Nekoma could meet at nationals and finally play on that grand stage.

Daichi swallowed, hand clenching into a fist.

This was what was important. And not just to Karasuno as a team. It was important to Daichi.

_Win._

It was the single motivation that had kept him going through the years. When everything else was falling apart, Daichi could still concentrate on that one singular goal to never change.

_I have to win._

Daichi had worked too hard, training his body and his mind since he first joined the volleyball team in junior high in order to play with the best players in the country. He couldn’t let anything distract him now. He was the captain and everyone was relying on him. If anyone should know exactly what he was doing, it was Daichi.

He didn’t have the time to waste being miserable.

He couldn’t afford to let his personal worries get in the way of Karasuno’s success.

_We are going!_

This was what was important right now.

And he wasn’t going to let himself ruin it for anyone.

Not anymore.

Daichi lifted his head and shoved his phone into his pocket. He left the club room and headed home.

He must have spent longer waiting around than he had thought, because the entire walk to his house, he didn’t run in to a single one of his teammates. Even on the last stretch that Daichi and Sugawara usually took alone, Sugawara was nowhere in sight.

Daichi picked up his pace, determination burning in his chest.

_This is what's important._

This _is what's important._

Once he made it home, he offered his father a short greeting and then took the stairs three at a time. In his room, he tossed his bag aside and strode to the glass door. He slid it open and went out onto his balcony.

“Suga!”

He waited a few seconds but when he didn’t get an answer, he cupped his mouth in both hands and shouted again.

“ _Suga!_ ”

He called out two more times before the curtain was finally pulled open. Sugawara stared through the glass at him for long moments. He glanced over his shoulder and then slid the door open and stepped out onto the balcony, closing the door behind him.

“What is it?” he asked hesitantly.

“Let’s make up,” Daichi said, gripping the railing.

Sugawara blinked. “Wha-what?”

“Let’s make up,” he repeated. “I want to make up.”

Sugawara’s brows furrowed. “You make it sound so easy…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah you’ve said that like a million times—”

“I know but I understand now.”

Sugawara fell silent, watching him warily.

Daichi gulped. “I understand how I’ve been wrong this entire time. I’ve been selfish. It was wrong of me to try to ignore your feelings and pretend like they didn’t exist. It was wrong of me to lash out at you. I’m so sorry. Please, let’s make up.”

Sugawara brushed a lock of hair over his ear. “Daichi… I told you… we can’t go back to how we were.”

“I know that! I don’t _want_ to go back to how we were anymore.”

Sugawara’s eyes darted into his face and then down.

Daichi’s grip on the railing tightened. “Things are different. And nothing I do will ever make us go back to how we used to be. I understand and I accept that now. Before… I was being selfish, trying to reject how everything was changing. I won’t do that anymore. All I know is that I don’t want to keep doing _this_. Please, let’s make up.”

Sugawara’s chin lifted, eyes turning glossy. He hugged his stomach and said in a quivering voice, “You… you just want your best friend back. Your _brother_ back. I can’t be that person, Daichi. I don’t _want_ to be that person. I can't _pretend_ anymore.”

“Suga, it’s not my best friend that I want back.”

Sugawara stared at him quietly.

Daichi leaned against the railing, holding his gaze. “It’s not my best friend. It’s not my teammate. It’s not my study partner or classmate or vice-captain or that guy I used to think of as a brother.” His voice lowered. “It’s _you_. I miss Sugawara Koushi.”

Sugawara’s bottom lip worried between his teeth and he blinked rapidly.

“So I can’t get my old Suga back,” Daichi went on, gently. “I can’t get back that guy who was my best friend and only ever wanted to be my best friend. That guy doesn’t exist and I know that now. That’s okay. I don’t want him anyway.”

Daichi watched him lower his eyes, gulping.

“I just need _you_ back,” he said. “And if that means that I get _this_ you, the Sugawara Koushi who has a crush on me, then that’s okay too. _More_ than okay. You’re still you, and you’re still the one that I miss.”

Sugawara remained silent and so Daichi continued.

“I’m sorry for the things I said. I was a total jackass. I said things that I never should have said. Things I didn’t even mean in the first place. I should have taken you more seriously and respected you and your feelings. I’ve been a fucking asshole and have only cared about myself and keeping that comfortable familiarity of our relationship, even if it meant hurting you and I promise I will _never_ do that again. So please… can we make up?”

Sugawara sniffled and didn’t look at him as he mumbled, “I still have feelings for you. I know I said I was getting over them, but they’re still here. I still feel them.”

Daichi swallowed the overpowering sensation of relief that flooded him at the confession.

“That’s alright,” he said, breathless.

“Is it?” Sugawara finally lifted his eyes. “I mean it, Daichi. This isn’t just a crush. It might be a really long time before I actually start to get over you. I might... I might _never_ get over you.”

“Yeah." Daichi pretended not to feel the pleasant flush in his chest. "So long as it's fine with you, it's fine with me.”

“And... it’s more than just romantic.” Sugawara’s cheeks turned pink. “It’s… it’s sexual too. I have those types of physical… feelings. For you.”

Daichi’s face warmed and he cleared his throat. His voice was rough when he replied, “Ye-yeah. I understand that too.”

“And that’s okay? You still want to be my friend even though… even though I feel that way?”

“Yes, please.”

Sugawara reached up and rubbed his eyes.

“Okay,” he whispered.

Daichi released a deep breath and slumped over the railing, hiding his face in his arms folded atop it.

“Daichi?”

“I’m so relieved,” he said, voice strained. “Thank God…”

Sugawara fell silent.

Daichi pushed back up and then waved a hand at him. “Move over.”

“Huh?”

Daichi climbed up onto the railing and Sugawara took a large step backwards to give him room as he vaulted across the gap between their balconies. He landed heavily and instantly turned towards Sugawara, grabbing his shoulders and dragging him close for a hug.

Sugawara was stiff at first. But then he buried his face in his shoulder and his arms circled Daichi's waist, fingers locking tight in his jacket at his back. Daichi locked his arms around his shoulders and leaned his cheek against his hair.

They hugged for a long minute.

And it was like a weight lifting from Daichi’s shoulders. A vise releasing his heart. He was still confused, so confused about the strange feeling in his stomach at their closeness, but it was less painful now.

It wasn’t perfect, and Daichi still had a long way to go before he would feel at peace once more, but he had time. For now, this was good enough. To be friends with Sugawara again, to rid himself of that suffocating weight haunting and distracting him.

For now, he could concentrate on what he needed to concentrate on with his best friend at his side. After nationals, when he no longer had the important responsibility of being captain, he would revisit these feelings, try to find some clarity.

Face them and try his best to make sense of them for what they were.

Until then, this was good enough.

Sugawara finally pulled back and rubbed his eyes with the back of his wrist. He cleared his throat.

“Do you, wanna come in?” He gestured at his door. “I… I’m not propositioning you or anything… uhm, I just thought if you want, we can hang out… a little bit… uhm…”

Daichi chuckled and slid the door open. “Calm down, Suga.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled and passed him into the room. “I just… don’t want you to feel uncomfortable alone with me. Like I’m going to jump you or something.”

“No offense,” Daichi said and followed him inside. “But I’m pretty sure I could fight you off even if you did jump me.”

“Doubt it.”

Daichi closed the door behind him and snorted.

Sugawara went to his bed and climbed onto it. He crawled to the wall and leaned against it, crossing his legs in front of him. Daichi sat at the top of the bed, arranging the pillows behind his back, and stretched his legs out, right foot brushing Sugawara’s knee.

Sugawara glanced at him and then away, face bright red. A few seconds ticked by and he groaned and pressed his hands over his cheeks.

“Sorry,” he said. “God. I made this so weird.”

“It’s not weird.”

“It _is_! It’s _so_ weird. You know that I _like_ you and that I want to do gay stuff with you. It’s so frickin’ weird and embarrassing.”

Daichi’s face warmed. “It’s not weird,” he said again and rubbed the side of his neck.

“Quit lying.”

He smiled. “I’m serious. I don’t feel weird. Instead… I feel really flattered.”

Sugawara peeked at him between his fingers.

“I mean, you’re a popular guy, you know? And yet, out of all the people you could like, you like _me_.” Daichi leaned back and whistled. “Man… I must be pretty hot, huh?”

Sugawara let out a laugh and lowered his hands to his lap.

“I’ve definitely got a big head over this, no lie,” Daichi went on. “Sugawara Koushi likes _me_. Wants to do erotic things with _me_.”

“Oh my god stop.”

“How fuckin’ sexy do I have to be to ensnare popular guy Sugawara Koushi? Am I the hottest guy at Karasuno or something?”

Sugawara giggled and leaned his head back against the wall, smiling softly at him.

“Okay. Yeah, you’re hot.”

Daichi lifted his eyebrows. “Ya gotta give me more than that. What’s so hot about me? It’s my thighs, isn’t it? Or these pythons?” He flexed his arms.

Sugawara rolled his eyes. “Yes and yes. But more than that.”

“Oh? My ass?”

Sugawara laughed. “Yes! Also your square jaw and thick neck and perfect face and gorgeous smile and you _reek_ of confidence and charm and you’re so stinking manly and honest and you smell like… I don’t even know… like how I imagine the inside of a sexy lumberjack’s woodland cottage would smell.”

Daichi laughed, throwing his head back.

“Yeah,” Sugawara said. “That too. That big laugh that makes me feel all soft and weak inside.” He smiled and tugged on the fabric of his sweats. “And your voice. It’s deep and sexy and it gets raspy and scratchy when you’re tired. I love the way you say my name. It gives me chills.” Sugawara looked away, reaching up and tucking a lock of hair over his red ear.

Daichi stared at him silently for a moment and then hummed.

“To be honest,” he said, scratching his cheek. “I'm... surprised to hear you say that.”

Sugawara peeked at him.

“I always just thought I was pretty average,” Daichi shrugged. “A face that blends in with the crowd.”

“Oh definitely.”

Daichi barked out a laugh and Sugawara grinned.

“But like… in a sexy way,” he added. “You've got the kind of face that’s average at first glance but still hot enough to make you do a double take, you know? And then the second time you look you realize, _oh damn he’s actually fine as hell._ ”

Daichi chuckled. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’ll take it as a compliment, I guess.”

Sugawara smiled and leaned his elbows on his thighs. He cleared his throat and poked the sheet in front of him.

“But it’s not just your looks.”

Daichi cocked an eyebrow.

Sugawara’s voice softened. “You’re my best friend. Being with you is fun. You make me feel happy without even trying. You understand me and I understand you and… it’s comfortable. You’re comfortable.”

“Like a couch?”

Sugawara let out a breathy laugh and rubbed his eyes. “ _No_. Like a person who listens and never expects anything from me. A person who lets me be myself and always cares. You… with you I feel like I don't even have to try. Everything just comes naturally. It’s easy and it’s comfortable and it feels good to be around you. If I can… if I can be around you every second of every day… I think that I’d be okay with that. I think I'd like that a lot.”

He turned his face away, hiding it from view.

Daichi swallowed his heart in his throat and stared at the bright red shell of Sugawara's ear sticking out from under his messy hair.

_Just another high school crush._

Daichi closed his eyes.

_I must be the biggest idiot in the world._

* * *

Sugawara stared at his reflection in the full length mirror.

“So you did it. You successfully made up with your best friend.” He held his own gaze. “He didn’t accept your confession and you two aren’t dating but you are friends again. That’s okay. That’s good enough.” He straightened the collar of his button-up shirt. “Better than good enough. It’s great. You knew that there was a chance that he wouldn’t accept your confession anyway and you were okay with that, remember?” He swiped a hand through his hair.

“This is better than okay,” he went on, leaning close to examine his pale complexion. “Now, at least Daichi knows about you. That was scary, before, when you thought you two wouldn’t be able to be friends anymore. But now? It’s great. Because you don’t have to hide that gross, overly horny, teenage boy part of you anymore.”

He leaned back and tugged on the hem of his jacket.

“Now if you see a hottie with a body bend over to pick something up, instead of keeping the _oh damn nice_ inside, you can let it out. Let it out, Koushi. Daichi was joking around with you last night. I think it’s safe to say that you are finally allowed to wave your gay flag around like the proud bastard you are.”

He hesitated, straightening a button.

“Uh, but just don’t get _too_ intense. You don’t want to scare him off again.”

After giving himself a firm nod, he turned away from the mirror and grabbed his bag from the floor, hanging it off his shoulder as he left the room. He traveled down to the kitchen where Kumi and Reiichi already sat at the dining table, drinking coffee and eating breakfast.

“Good morning, Honey,” Kumi said and stood to make him a plate.

“Mornin’,” he replied and sat next to his father. “So, the news of the day is that me and Daichi made up.”

“Oh?” Reiichi set his mug of coffee on the table. “Well that’s good to hear.”

“We’re still just friends though,” Sugawara went on. “He doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, unfortunately. But at least he doesn’t seem totally grossed out by the fact that I _totally_ wanna bone him.”

“That’s nice,” Kumi said and set a plate and mug in front of him.

“Ew.”

Souta walked into the room, casting Sugawara a disgusted look.

“Change the subject. I don’t want to think about my little brother _boning_ Dai-kun.”

“I dunno,” Reiichi checked his watch. “Out of everyone that he could be boning, Daichi is my top choice.”

“Mine too,” Sugawara mumbled around a mouthful of rice. “Too bad he doesn’t feel the same way. I might have to settle with Yoshida instead.”

“Who is Yoshida?” Kumi took her seat on his other side and held her mug of coffee in both hands.

“A dude I’ve been fooling around with.”

“ _Ew_.” Souta fell into the chair across from him, a slice of sloppily buttered toast in his hand.

“Nah, he’s alright. Kinda hot. Not Daichi level hot, but not bad.”

“Well, it’s hard to find someone at the same level of hot as the person you’re in love with,” Reiichi said. “The love makes them double hot.” He winked at Kumi and she smiled.

“This is so gross,” Souta said. “Why can’t we be a normal family that _doesn’t_ talk about this kind of shit at breakfast?”

“Because we were strict and conservative with _you_ and you turned out to be an awful delinquent with a bad mouth. So we swore we would try the opposite approach with Koushi in hopes that he would turn out better," Reiichi said simply. "Now we're the _cool_ parents and by god, I think it's working. Koushi is much cuter than you were at his age.”

"Thanks Papa, I love you," Sugawara said, batting his eyelashes.

" _Outstanding_ ," Reiichi said. "Just the cutest."

“We're doing a real bang-up job, Baby,” Kumi said and they both leaned up and high-fived across the table.

“ _Ew._ ” Souta made a face.

Reiichi turned to Sugawara. “So, have you decided on when and how you’ll come out to us yet?”

Sugawara hummed. “I was thinking of doing it really dramatic. Like when I finally get my first boyfriend and I bring him over and say something like, _Mom… Dad… this is my boyfriend… I know I'm not the son you wanted me to be, but I can't hide any longer. It's time to live my truth.”_

“And I’ll cry,” Kumi said. “Ask where I went wrong and all that business. Bite down on a handkerchief and lie down with my wrist against my forehead.”

“I’m trying to figure out my role,” Reiichi admitted, rubbing his chin. “Do I wanna be the dad that looks like he will kick his gay son out of the house but then is surprisingly the most understanding out of the entire family? Or maybe I fall into a deep depression, become an alcoholic, and beat up any man I see on the street that challenges my fragile view of masculinity?”

“Well, you’ve got time to figure it out,” Sugawara said. “Right now, I’m just gonna put all my energy into making out with guys I don’t have feelings for while forcing myself to fall out of love with my childhood friend before he finds a cute girl to date and leaves me behind well before I’m ready.”

“I’ll try both roles out, see which fits me best,” Reiichi decided.

“I hate this family so much and I wish I never came back,” Souta growled and chewed his toast with more strength than necessary.

“C’mon, Sou-chan,” Kumi said. “This is family bonding time. What kind of brother are you going to be when Kou-chan finally comes out? The scary protective brother? Or the mean spirited brother who doesn’t approve of the gay lifestyle and torments him?”

“I already came out to Souta,” Sugawara said and sipped his coffee. “He was the first person I told. And he’s already fallen into the scary protective brother role.”

Reiichi clicked his tongue and muttered into his mug, “Boring.”

Sugawara stood and carried his dishes to the sink. “Well, I better head out.”

“Kinda early, aren’t you?” Kumi asked.

“Yeah, well I’ve gotta get to work,” he said with a shrug. “The only person at the same level of hot as Sawamura Daichi is Sawamura _Rikichi_. And now that Daichi has completely rejected me, I can start to pursue his dad without feeling guilty.”

Reiichi hummed. “See, now I’m torn. The cool dad in me says I should encourage you to go ahead and lust after anybody you choose, even if he is a grown man with a son your age. But the _rational_ dad in me says I should give you a stern talking to.”

“Better stick to encouraging me. If you start giving me stern talking to’s, Daichi will be out of a job.”

“Yeah but Rikichi? He’s only ten years younger than _me_ …”

“Well he _is_ single now,” Kumi murmured into her coffee.

“ _Mom_ ,” Souta hissed. “Don’t encourage Koushi to try dating an old guy. That’s fucking gross.”

She shrugged. “Your father is much older than me—”

“Not by thirty years!”

"Uhm, more like _twenty-three_ years," Sugawara said on his way to the front of the house. "He had Daichi very young. _Well_ before his prime. Which in my opinion is right now, actually."

_"It doesn't matter!"_

“Okay, I’ll see you later!” Sugawara pulled his shoes on and pushed outside.

He hummed softly under his breath as he made his way to the Sawamura home and knocked on the door. A few seconds passed before the door opened on a bedraggled looking Rikichi, blinking sleepily against the early morning light.

He wore a wrinkled pair of sweatpants and a black, sleeveless shirt. His chin and jaw were dusted over with thick five o’clock shadow, and his hair was mussed.

“Mornin' Koushi,” he greeted in a deep, rough voice.

Sugawara tingled at the sound and smiled.

“Morning, Sawamura-san,” he said, voice honey sweet.

“Come on in,” Rikichi moved out of the way and Sugawara passed him into the house. “Dai should be on his way down any second.” Rikichi rounded him, placing a large hand on his hair for a second before sliding it away. “Want a cookie? I made a batch last night when I couldn’t sleep.”

“Sure!” Sugawara toed his shoes off and followed him up the hallway to the kitchen.

Daichi showed up just as Rikichi was handing a chocolate chip cookie over to Sugawara.

“Dai, do you want me to make you some breakfast?” Rikichi yawned.

“Already ate,” he said, giving Sugawara a look as he pulled his jacket on.

Sugawara took a bite of the cookie, eyes sliding back to Rikichi, who scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

“Sorry. I slept in again.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Daichi moved around him and filled a glass with water. He drank from it slowly, eyeing his father. “You need to shave.”

Rikichi rubbed his chin. “Yeah?”

“No!”

They turned to Sugawara.

“No way,” he repeated. “Sawamura-san you look ultra sexy with the beard. You should keep it.”

“Ehh, really?” Rikichi’s brows lifted.

“Hell yeah. Super hot. Ten out of ten, would _totally_ bang.”

Rikichi chuckled and patted Sugawara’s head again. “Thanks, Koushi. You’re such a nice kid.”

Sugawara hummed and nibbled on the cookie, eyes wandering down Rikichi’s muscled neck.

“How’s the cookie?”

“ _Delicious_.”

“ _Well we better go!”_ Daichi’s loud voice interrupted and he was suddenly grabbing at Sugawara’s elbow and leading him from the kitchen. “I’ll see you later, Dad!”

“Oh, alright. Have a nice day at school…”

Daichi and Sugawara pulled their shoes on and then Daichi practically dragged him from the house and to the sidewalk.

“What the _fuck_ ,” he said when they were on their way towards school.

“Hm?” Sugawara finished off the cookie and wiped his fingers on his pants.

“Were you seriously just flirting with my dad?”

Sugawara pursed his lips and didn’t reply.

_“Dude!”_

“What?” Sugawara said innocently.

“Not cool!”

“Oh c’mon,” he huffed. “Can you blame me? Your dad is a total _DILF_.”

Daichi stared at him incredulously. “He’s old!”

Sugawara hummed. “Rather than think of him as old, I like to think of him as... _experienced_.”

“Oh my god.”

_“Well-aged.”_

“Stop.”

Sugawara laughed. “Relax, it’s not that big of a deal.”

Daichi made a face. “It _is_ a big deal. It’s gross. How would you like it if I was coming on to one of your family members?”

Sugawara let out a gasp and pressed a hand to his chest. “I would feel so betrayed!”

“See—”

“Why would you need to flirt with any of them when you have a whole ass tasty Sugawara Koushi right here practically _begging_ you to fuck him?”

Daichi’s face flamed an endearingly bright shade of red and Sugawara hid a smile behind his hand.

“Tha-that’s not… I mean…” Daichi stammered.

Sugawara laughed and bumped him with his shoulder. “Oh man, I’m so happy I have yet another thing to tease you about. Sweet, innocent, summer child Daichi, doesn’t know how to deal with his gay best friend.”

“Shaddup.”

Sugawara giggled.

Daichi cleared his throat and lifted his chin. “A-anyway. My dad is too old for you.”

“Age is just a number,” Sugawara sang.

“Dude.”

“Oh c’mon, Daichi. He’s _single_ now. On the market. Ripe for the pickin’.”

Daichi stared straight ahead with a disturbed expression.

Sugawara wasn’t done teasing him yet though. He leaned close and said in a low voice, “I could be your _stepdad_.”

“You’re about to be step _dead_.”

Daichi threw an arm around his neck and wrestled him into a headlock. Sugawara shrieked and fought against him, chest bubbling with laughter. They roughhoused as they walked down the street, finally parting at the corner.

Sugawara smoothed his hair away from his face, giggling.

“So selfish, Daichi,” he said. “Share your tasty dad with the rest of us.”

“No way.”

They fell to comfortable silence for most of the walk to the school and Sugawara smiled.

He had missed this.

He had missed Daichi.

It was amazing how just this little bit of friendly banter could bring so much peace and happiness back to his grey life. There was awkwardness still. With Sugawara's feelings finally out in the open, they didn’t quite know how to handle this new friendship. But it was nice. It was comfortable.

And that was more than good enough for Sugawara.

When they reached the school gate, Daichi broke the silence.

“Hey, Suga…”

“Hm?” Sugawara glanced up at him.

“You don’t like…” he hesitated, eyes darting away. “Like… have _those_ types of fantasies… about my dad, right?”

Sugawara didn’t reply.

“Suga?”

He looked straight ahead and shaded his eyes with his hand. “Man, the weather is so nice for November, isn’t it?”

“ _Suga_.”

“Oh look, there’s Asahi! I shall greet him!” Sugawara took off in a run.

_“Suga I’m going to kick your ass!”_ Daichi gave chase.

Sugawara screamed and laughed.

He missed this.

It wasn’t quite what he had hoped for, but it was better than it was. He still had his best friend by his side and they would continue to stick together from then on out.

It wasn’t what he had hoped for.

But it was going to have to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of reconciliation to mark the halfway point of this story! (so long as everything goes according to plan. Who knows, we might end up with only 15 chapters or even 17... hmmmm)  
> I was kinda sour about the contents of this chapter. It feels like not much happens, even though there was a lot of talking and understanding between our dumbasses. Then again, talking is what I like to write the most so hey.
> 
> I'm so proud of Daichi. And I fully support Suga's pursuit of Daddy Rikichi you GO BOY. GET YOU SOME MAN. (in all seriousness though, pls don't try to date your friends' dads okay i think there's a friend rule against that)
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading, again! I love you and someday I will actually reply to comments I PROMISE YOU
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=O2xGTileTkm6beGXiwKtVQ)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> The end of the world


	9. Not enough to count

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moods:  
> [I Can't Make You Love Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CueqWS68SBY)  
> "'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't  
> You can't make your heart feel something it won't  
> Here in the dark in these final hours  
> I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power  
> But you won't, no you won't  
> 'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't"
> 
> [Low](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exQ2u3qSfrM)  
> "Told me to stop playing all those games  
> But I wasn't then, and I'm not now  
> Didn't know how to feel when you broke me down  
> I needed time to move around without you  
> But I think I'm ready to hear I love you"

“Ahem.”

Yoshida reluctantly broke off their kiss, but didn’t move away.

“Sounds like we need to find a new spot,” he murmured and pressed his mouth over Sugawara’s.

Sugawara hummed, licking at his top lip as they parted once more.

“Sounds like it.”

“ _Ahem._ ”

They both sighed and glanced towards the interruption. Daichi stood at the end of the aisle, eyes narrowed, arms crossed over his chest.

“It’s for you,” Yoshida said.

“Yeah, guess it is,” Sugawara pouted his lips, hands sliding down from around his neck. Yoshida removed his arms from around his waist and took a step back, straightening the collar of his shirt.

He gave Sugawara a look, eyes dipping down to his mouth. “See you later.”

Sugawara gave him a peace sign and watched as he traveled up the aisle, idly rolling his sleeves up to his elbows.

“Sawamura,” he said as he passed Daichi.

“Yoshida,” he replied with a growl. Once he was gone, Daichi walked up the aisle to where Sugawara leaned against the bookshelves, hands in the pockets of his pants.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of your interruption?” Sugawara asked pleasantly.

“Don’t you have better things to do in your free time than make out with Yoshida in the library?” Daichi asked in that overly _dad_ voice he used to scold their kouhai in the club.

Sugawara rolled his eyes. “No.”

Daichi hesitated, seemingly surprised at his honesty. “Well… you could be focusing on Nationals…”

“This is my way of focusing.” He shrugged. “What do you need, Daichi?”

He pursed his lips.

“Nothing, I guess.”

Sugawara’s mouth dropped open. “ _What?_ ”

Daichi turned and walked back up the aisle.

Sugawara chased. “Bastard! You did _not_ interrupt us just for that! What do you want?”

“Nothing.”

“Daichi! Tell me!”

“No.”

Sugawara huffed and paused at the end of the aisle to watch him head across the library. He pouted his lips in irritation for a moment before getting an idea.

“That’s fine. I’ll just send Yoshida a quick text and he’ll come right back so we can—”

Daichi whirled and stomped back over to him.

“No. Okay fine I’ll tell you,” he growled, eyebrows furrowed.

Sugawara stared at him in quiet shock as he joined him once more, crossing his arms over his chest.

_Oh stop that._

_Quit pretending like you’re actually jealous._

_Don’t you dare get my hopes up._

Sugawara gulped and wiped the uneasy expression from his face.

Daichi let out a sigh. “Hinata snuck off to that training camp Tsukishima got invited to.”

Sugawara sputtered and belted out uproarious laughter, bending over with hands pressed over his stomach. Tears pinched in his eyes and immediately spilled over his cheeks.

“Shut up. God damn it, I knew you would react like this.”

Sugawara fell to his knees and braced himself on his hands, laughter turning pained as it ripped through his chest.

“Ni—” he tried to choke words out but had to stop when his laughter grew. “ _Nice one Hinata!_ ”

Daichi sighed. “Suga please.”

Sugawara sat back on his heels and wiped the tears away, still bubbling with giggles.

“So what happened? Did they kick him out?” he asked.

Daichi was silent for a moment. “Nah. They’re letting him be a ball boy.”

“You’re fucking lying.”

“No the fuck I’m not.” Daichi scowled down at him.

Sugawara pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes as he laughed anew.

“What the heck? He’s so bold. I love that kid.”

“Please don’t encourage him. I’m telling you this so you back me up when I yell at him. You’ve got a day to pretend to know how to be a vice captain.”

“Oh man this is the best news I’ve heard all year. Thank you Daichi.” Sugawara wiped his tears away once more and smiled up at him.

Daichi stared back down at him, eyes darting across his face.

It was then that Sugawara realized his position.

_Ah._

_Perfect blowjob height._

As if he heard the thought, Daichi cleared his throat and turned away, dropping his arms to his sides once more.

“Yeah well, that’s all I wanted to tell you. You can… call Yoshida back now if you want.”

He headed across the library.

“Good idea, maybe I will!” Sugawara called after him and then watched Daichi’s hands clench tight into fists.

_Seriously._

_Stop that._

* * *

“Has Suga _always_ been this horny?”

Asahi’s hair tie snapped in his hands and Tanaka threw his palms down on the floor, making Daichi jump in surprise.

 _“Yes!”_ he exclaimed, expression fierce. _“Finally you know our pain!”_

Asahi gripped Daichi’s shoulder and when he looked up at him, there were tears in his eyes.

“The things he’s sent me in the dead of night…” He bit down on his fist and didn’t continue.

“Dude is horny on _main_.” Tanaka pulled on a sock. “Everything I know about kinks, I learned from him.”

Daichi gaped at them. “How have I never noticed?”

“Probably because he’s always hidden it from you.” Asahi shrugged and fished out another hair tie from the bag on the ground at his feet. “You know, on account of you being the main thing he’s been lusting after all these years.”

"Yeah he was pretty determined not to freak you out," Tanaka said. "Gotta respect the hussle."

"Do we?" Asahi mumbled.

“One thing is for sure.” Tanaka pulled his second sock on. “Now that you’ve rejected him, he’s gotten worse.”

Daichi hesitated in pulling his shirt on. “Worse? How?”

“He’s been unleashed,” a new voice said.

All three turned towards Ennoshita, who entered the club room and closed the door behind him. He gave them a dull stare.

“It was so much more tolerable before, when he hoped to have a chance with you. Now? He’s completely lowered his standards and unleashed his full thirst.”

“Yeah…” Asahi pulled his hair up. “Before, he wouldn’t give any other guy the light of day. It was you or _nobody_.”

“He changed his mind about the _nobody_ part real fuckin’ quick,” Tanaka said with a bark of laughter.

“He’s stopped giving a shit,” Ennoshita agreed. “Since the guy he actually loves doesn't love him back, he's settling for anybody that wants him.”

“What the hell,” Daichi grumbled. “What’s his deal?”

“Dude’s horny.” Tanaka shrugged. “I say power to him. If I weren’t completely in love with Kiyoko-san and there were girls that actually wanted me, I’d do the same.”

“No you wouldn’t,” Ennoshita argued. “You’re too soft.”

“What do you know?”

“I know you’re soft and you would melt into a useless puddle of goo if any girl so much as kissed you on the cheek.”

Tanaka glared at him but didn’t dispute.

Daichi slowly pulled his shirt on over his head, staring at a spot on the wall.

He didn’t like it. There were more important things for Sugawara to be thinking about at the moment. He shouldn’t be wasting his time chasing dick when Nationals were less than a month away. Right now, volleyball should be the _only_ thing on his mind.

_And school._

_I guess._

_But mostly volleyball._

It turned his stomach, thinking of Sugawara with different people, doing anything for some sexual gratification.

He and Yoshida… hadn’t done anything like _that_ , had they?

He swallowed the sour taste stinging his tongue and pulled his track suit jacket on over his t-shirt.

It was a shitty feeling, knowing that even if they hadn’t, there was a chance that they would. And if not Yoshida, then some other guy.

_God that fucking sucks._

Daichi didn’t like that at all.

Tanaka slapped his back, drawing him out of his thoughts.

“Cheer up, Daichi!” he said with a grin. “At least he won’t be chasing you anymore, right? It sucks to have to reject your best friend but at least you’re free from his thirst, don’t you think?”

_Free._

Tanaka gave him an intense stare and Daichi could tell that he was challenging him. What an impertinent kouhai.

It was clear that he was at least a little miffed about this whole situation.

He knew all along, after all. He was probably rooting for Sugawara, supporting and encouraging him from behind the scenes while Daichi was completely ignorant.

He was probably at least a _little_ pissed at him for breaking his heart in half.

_Tanaka’s a better friend than I am._

Daichi looked away and mumbled, “Sure. Viva la freedom.”

Tanaka’s eyes narrowed, smile tightening, and he slapped his back again, harder this time.

The door burst inward and Sugawara bolted inside, breathing heavily.

“I’m not late!” he announced and immediately kicked off his shoes and tossed his bag to the floor. “Fuck you, _you’re_ late!”

“About time you showed up!” Tanaka walked over to him and pushed his shoulder.

“Hush,” Sugawara panted as he dropped his jacket on the floor and started unbuttoning his shirt. “Kinoshita and Narita aren’t even here yet.”

“Yeah because they’re already in the gym, Dumbass.”

“Nuh uh.”

“Yes huh.”

“Damn boyscouts.”

Sugawara pulled off his shirt and tossed it with his jacket.

 _“Hey what’s this?”_ Tanaka grabbed his shoulders and Daichi stilled.

“Ehh, what?” Sugawara tried to shake him off but Tanaka held tight.

_“Suga-san wild! You’ve got a hickey!”_

_“What?”_ Sugawara tried to look down at the dark mark at the base of his throat, just over his collarbone.

Daichi stared at the mark silently, mouth gone dry. His stomach churned and gurgled and his throat constricted.

And _oh_ , he did not like that _at all_.

* * *

Daichi glared up at Nakatani, not saying a word for a long minute as they both waited outside of the club room for Sugawara to come out.

Nakatani wore an affable smile, hands in his pockets and black hair brushed back from his forehead.

“Practice has sure been running late these past few weeks, huh?” he said, voice light and cheerful. “I’ll bet you’re doing lots of preparations for Nationals, right? Got any practice matches coming up?”

“Datekou next week,” Daichi growled.

“Those are the iron wall guys, right? The ones who made Azumane shit his pants and quit the team for a little while?”

“Hey.”

They glanced at Asahi as he emerged from the club room and gave Nakatani a frown.

“I didn’t shit my pants.”

“He did quit though!” Nishinoya piped in at his side.

“Noya…”

He laughed and they passed by on their way to the stairs.

Daichi turned his glare back to Nakatani, narrowing his eyes. “Why are you even here?”

“Waiting for Koushi.”

“Why?”

“We’re going to go over to his place and make out.”

Daichi’s hands clenched into fists where he had his arms crossed over his chest.

“You pronounced _study_ wrong,” Sugawara’s voice rang out, followed by a short laugh.

“That too,” Nakatani said, facing Sugawara as he closed the club room’s door behind him and locked it. “But I’m mostly going for the making out part.”

“Okay, one make out for every problem you get correctly.”

“Fuck you, Koushi, you know I can’t do math.”

“Too bad for you.”

All three of them headed for the stairs and Daichi boiled.

_Fucking Nakatani._

Why was he being such a jackass? Every once in a while, he gave off the impression that he was on Daichi’s side, but then he turned around and pulled this shit?

Nakatani caught his glare and smirked. He threw his arm around Sugawara’s shoulders and pulled him against him.

Just whose side was he on?

“You know what?” Daichi blurted out, drawing their attention. “Turns out I need to study too. Got room for one more?”

“Sure!” Nakatani answered immediately, smiling warmly over the top of Sugawara’s head.

_Just whose side is he on?_

Nakatani and Sugawara bantered back and forth for the majority of the walk home, occasionally dragging Daichi into it to settle a petty argument. When they reached Sugawara’s house, they paused at the gate as Daichi said,

“I’m going to tell my dad what I’m doing and then jump over.”

“Hear that, Koushi?” Nakatani smirked. “We’ve got a few minutes to _ourselves_ …”

“Not if I run really fast, Jackass,” Daichi spat, and yes, he knew _exactly_ how childish he sounded.

Nakatani laughed and Sugawara rolled his eyes.

Daichi didn’t linger to let his immaturity hang over his head. He turned and bolted to the gate to his yard. He didn’t look over his shoulder as he passed through it and ran up to the house. Inside, he kicked off his shoes and called out,

“I’m home!”

“Welco—”

“I’m going over to Suga’s to study!” Daichi interrupted his father and ran up the hallway.

Rikichi watched him with wide eyes from the entrance to the kitchen.

“Do you want dinner?” he asked. “I cooked…”

Daichi put on the brakes, sliding across the floor on his socks.

 _Fuck_.

He needed to get over to Sugawara’s room as quickly as possible to make sure Nakatani didn’t do anything too handsy with him but…

“I’ll eat.”

Daichi dropped his bag on the floor at the bottom of the stairs and turned back for the kitchen.

“Are you sure?” Rikichi sounded uncertain. “I can just make you a plate and you can take it over with you—”

“Nah, I’ll eat here with you.” Daichi paused in front of him and gave him a smile. “Thanks for cooking.”

Rikichi returned the smile and Daichi noted that he looked groomed. His hair, though longer and more unruly than how it usually was, was clean and brushed away from his face. His beard was trimmed and neat. He was wearing clean clothes, except for the fresh stain of sauce his white t-shirt.

He looked… healthy.

Safe.

Daichi let out a breath of relief.

Rikichi’s smile widened into a grin and he put an arm around Daichi’s shoulders and led him into the kitchen.

“Okay, don’t freak out. I messed around with the usual recipe a little bit but I think it tastes good. Feel free to tell me I’m wrong if it tastes like shit.”

“I’m sure it tastes fine.”

“Yeah but just in case!”

Despite being eager to get over to Sugawara’s room, Daichi took his time eating. He told Rikichi about volleyball practice, about Hinata sneaking off, and their upcoming practice match against Datekou.

“I’m gonna be there at Nationals,” Rikichi said, taking a drink from his water. “Will you be embarrassed if I bring pompoms and wave them around?”

“So embarrassed.” Daichi laughed. “Though honestly we’re kind of used to that by now. Saeko nee-san is louder than you could ever hope to be.”

“Oh so I’ve got competition? We’ll see about that.”

They shared a moment of comfortable silence, bellies full and hearts warm.

It had been a long time since Daichi had had dinner with his father like this.

Too long.

“Weren’t you going to go study with Koushi?” Rikichi asked, finishing off the food on his plate.

“Oh… right.” Daichi stood and reached for his dishes.

“Nah, leave it. I’ll take care of them.”

“You sure?”

“You’ve had a full day. Go ahead.”

Daichi hesitated another moment before conceding.

“Thanks for dinner, Dad,” Daichi said, moving around the table and giving him a quick kiss on the forehead. “It was really good.”

Rikichi didn’t reply as Daichi turned and bolted from the room. He grabbed his bag along the way and ran upstairs to his bedroom. The little sprint had him panting for breath as he went out onto his balcony and peered across at Sugawara’s room. The curtains were half closed and he couldn’t see him nor Nakatani inside.

He climbed up on the railing, swearing that if they were making out in there, Daichi was going to slap Nakatani across the face with his bag. The jump across the gap was clumsy as usual and he let out a low curse at the low thump that shot through the air at the connection of his feet to the floor.

When he slid the door open, he fully expected the worst, but Sugawara and Nakatani sat on the floor at the low table, merely watching him in silence. They sat side by side, but not close enough for two people who had just been making out.

Daichi let out a breath of relief, which he immediately regretted, catching Nakatani’s glinting smirk.

“’Bout time you got here,” Sugawara said, lifting a pretzel to his mouth and biting into it.

“Yeah, what took you so long?” Nakatani leaned back against Sugawara’s bed and draped his arm over his shoulders.

“I ate dinner,” Daichi said, dropping his bag to the floor next to the table. “With Dad.”

Sugawara let out a wordless cry. He swallowed his pretzel and pouted. “I want to eat Sawamura-san!” After receiving a dark glare from Daichi, he added, “…’s cooking!”

Daichi sat down across from them at the table and pulled his books from his bag.

“Ehh, what’s this?” Nakatani leaned forward once more, arm sliding even more around Sugawara’s neck and pulling him close. “Koushi do you have the hots for Sawamura’s dad?”

“God, if you saw him, you wouldn’t blame me.”

“Shall we go take a look then?”

“ _Yes._ Mom has some brownies she wants to give him anyway. Let’s go!”

Daichi opened his mouth to protest, but they were already on their feet and moving towards the door.

“Wai—”

They didn’t even spare him a glance as they ran from the room.

Daichi groaned and reluctantly followed.

“Mom, we’re gonna bring those brownies to Sawamura-san!” Sugawara called when they were in the kitchen.

“Oh? Thank you! Tell him he’s gotta come over for dinner one of these days!”

“’Kay!”

Sugawara grabbed the wrapped plate from the counter and he and Nakatani eagerly rushed to the door and went outside, Daichi dragging his feet behind.

They didn’t even bother knocking before bursting into Daichi’s house.

“Sawamura-san!” Sugawara called. “My mom made brownies!”

Rikichi appeared in the hallway from the entrance of the kitchen and Daichi’s left eyelid twitched at the sight of his bare chest.

Sugawara let out a gasp and leaned heavily against Nakatani, who barely swallowed a laugh.

“Brownies?” Rikichi said with a smile. “Sounds delicious!”

“Dad,” Daichi said, rounding the others. “Put a shirt on. Why did you take it off?”

“It had a stain on it.”

Rikichi approached them and Sugawara let out a low,

_“Thank you stain.”_

“Hello sir!” Nakatani greeted, bowing low. “I’m Nakatani Naoki. Your son’s best friend!”

“Like hell,” Daichi growled.

“Yeah, get in line. _I’m_ his best friend.” Sugawara pushed his arm.

“Okay, _second_ best friend,” he corrected.

“ _Like hell._ ”

Rikichi chuckled and stood in front of them. “Nice to meet you. I’m Sawamura Rikichi.”

“Sawamura-san, how did you get such a hot body?”

Daichi swiped at Nakatani, but he dodged.

Rikichi released a barking laugh, taking the plate of brownies from Sugawara’s hands.

“Well,” he patted his stomach. “I’ve actually put on some weight recently, thanks to Kumi-san.”

“I’ll tell her to stop baking things for you if you want,” Sugawara offered.

“Nah I love this stuff.” He winked and Sugawara sucked in a sharp breath. Rikichi looked at Nakatani again. “But to answer your question, I used to be a police officer.”

“Used to be?”

“Hm…” Rikichi hesitated. “I’ve been taking some time off.”

Daichi gulped and opened his mouth to demand Sugawara and Nakatani leave him alone, but Sugawara was already moving on to the next inappropriate question.

“Sawamura-san, do you think Daichi will be as fine as hell as you are when he’s your age?”

Daichi’s face flushed hot and he started struggling with Sugawara, attempting to get his hands over his eyes and cut off that damn thirsty gaze as it roamed over his dad’s naked chest.

Rikichi hummed and scratched his beard. “Well, he _does_ take after me the most when it comes to looks, so... probably?”

“ _Fantastic_ ,” Sugawara said the moment before Daichi succeeded in slapping his hands over his eyes.

“Put a shirt on Dad, _please_ ,” Daichi begged, pressing his hands tighter when Sugawara attempted to wiggle free.

Rikichi laughed. “Oh relax. We’re all guys here.”

“Yeah,” Daichi grumbled. “That’s kind of the _problem._ ”

“How do you figure?”

Definitely not wanting to have _this_ conversation, Daichi dragged Sugawara towards the door, Nakatani following with a mischievous grin.

“We’re going to go study,” Daichi said. “See you later Dad.”

“Okay… have fun. Thank Kumi-san for the brownies for me.”

“Will do.”

They were nearly outside when Sugawara managed to call out,

“ _Sawamura-san do you still have the handcuffs—_ ”

Daichi slammed the door behind them.

Nakatani burst into uproarious laughter and Daichi and Sugawara collapsed in a heap on the stone path, wrestling.

“You’re so dead,” Daichi hissed through gritted teeth as he got him into a headlock.

Sugawara laughed breathlessly, yanking on his shirt to no avail.

“Oh c’mon!” he wheezed. “It’s not my fault your dad is a total… well… _Daddy_.”

“I’m going to throw up on you.”

“Noooooo.”

Nakatani pulled them apart and to their feet.

“C’mon, Sawamura. You should be happy.”

 _“Why?”_ Daichi dusted himself off, pushing his hand away.

“Your dad is super ultra-hot. Your future is surely bright.”

Daichi lunged for him but he and Sugawara were already running for the other house, trailing laughter. While the others thundered up to the second floor, Daichi paused in the entryway to the living room and thanked Kumi for the brownies. By the time he made it to Sugawara’s bedroom, the two were already sitting in the same position as earlier, side by side.

Daichi took a moment to glare at them, noting the way Nakatani leaned close to peek over at Sugawara’s notes spread out on the table in front of him.

Daichi didn’t like that. It made his stomach hurt. Made his chest tighten.

He cleared his throat, grabbed his books, and deliberately stepped over the table to sit between them, pushing Nakatani to give him room.

“ _Really_ , Sawamura?” he protested, scooting away. “There’s room on the _other_ side.”

“Yeah well I want to sit here,” Daichi replied, slapping his book down on the table and opening it.

“But now how am I supposed to inappropriately touch Koushi under the table?”

Daichi turned to him and beat at his head with his calculator.

“Hey, Dumbasses,” Sugawara drew their attention. “We’re supposed to be studying. Quit fighting.” His cheeks were pink and though his brows were lowered over his eyes, Daichi couldn’t help but think that his expression wasn’t really as annoyed as he intended it to look.

He swallowed and turned to his book.

They got all of ten minutes of studying in before Daichi and Nakatani were once again bickering.

“That’s _my_ leg, Nakatani,” Daichi snapped, pushing his foot away when it started to stroke his shin.

“Well damn, dude. How ‘bout you move a bit?”

“How about you stop trying to play footsie and actually study?

“How about you make me?”

“How about I do?”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“ _You_ don’t make sense.”

“Prove it.”

“You’re alive when I want you dead.”

“How does it make sense that I would be dead just because you _want_ me to be?”

“How come you always got something to say when it’s dumb shit like this, but you don’t know how to factor polynomials?”

“Obviously because it’s actually fun to piss you off and _not_ fun to factor polynovials?”

“It’s polynomials.”

“What did I say?”

“Polynovials.”

“You think you’re better than me?”

“Sorry, remind me again when basketball nationals are?”

“Hey how about you fuck off, Sawamura?”

“How about you make me?”

“How about I do?”

Daichi didn’t know how long their argument stretched on, but when they finally grew tired of the endless cycle of their bickering, they glanced around the room to realize that they were alone.

“Where did Suga go?” Daichi asked.

“No clue. I didn’t even notice him leave,” Nakatani admitted.

“He put his shoes on and left half an hour ago.”

They both turned towards the open doorway where Souta stood, leaning against the door frame, watching them with a cold stare. “He told me to tell you guys that when you’re finished with your pissing contest, you can go ahead and see yourselves out.”

Daichi and Nakatani sat in stunned silence as Souta turned and disappeared without another word.

“Fuck,” Nakatani muttered. “Now I feel kinda bad.”

Daichi lowered his eyes to the notes lying on the table in front of him. He swallowed the lump in his throat and squeezed his hands into fists in his lap.

“I don’t want you to,” he finally whispered after a long moment.

Nakatani turned towards him. “Huh?”

“Kiss him,” Daichi said. “Touch him. I don’t want you to be really handsy and close and I don’t want you to kiss him. I don’t want you to. I don’t like the way it makes me feel. So don’t do it. Please.”

“Okay.”

Nakatani’s answer was immediate.

Daichi hesitated and then glanced up at him.

“Okay?”

Nakatani smiled, and it was warm, no longer teasing.

“I told you,” he said. “If you told me to stop, I would stop.”

Daichi stared at him silently for a long second and then snorted, reaching up to rub his eyes with both hands.

“It’s that easy, huh?”

“I _literally_ told you it was that easy.”

“Yeah I know, I’m stupid.”

“Not stupid.”

Daichi peeked at him through his fingers.

He was still smiling softly at him.

“You’re not stupid, Sawamura,” he said. “You just need to take yourself a little more seriously. Even if you don’t understand them right now, the things you feel are important. They deserve to be listened to.”

Daichi sighed and dropped his head back to stare at the ceiling.

“Damn it,” he muttered. “You’re the _last_ person I want to get good advice from.”

Nakatani laughed and gathered up his things.

“I told you, man. I’ll get you eventually. One of these days you’re going to admit that we’re friends.”

“Like hell.”

Nakatani winked and stood, draping his bag over his shoulder.

“I’ll see you at school,” he said and gave him a peace sign. “Apologize to Koushi for me when you find him, alright?”

Daichi closed his textbook and mumbled, “Yeah.”

Nakatani left and Daichi tidied up his things. Once they were shoved into his bag, he went to the balcony and jumped across to his room. He ditched the bag on the bed before traveling through the house to the entrance, where he sat on the floor and pulled on his shoes, checking his phone.

_Three missed calls from…_

Daichi gulped and swiped the notification away, ignoring the ever growing numberon his voicemail inbox.

He sent a quick message to Sugawara, asking him where he was, but when he didn’t receive a reply even after a couple of minutes of sitting and waiting, Daichi sighed and stood. He went outside, shoving his phone into the pocket of his jacket.

Daichi shivered and lifted his shoulders towards his ears. It was freezing outside, which meant that Sugawara wouldn’t be too far away. The guy was much too sensitive to the cold to risk traveling too far from home.

_The park it is._

Daichi turned the corner and walked in the park’s direction. It was dark, the way illuminated only by the moon and the streetlamps lining the sidewalk. He reached the park in no time, and after a quick sweep with his eyes, there he was.

Sugawara sat on a bench near the playground, wrapped tight in his coat and scarf.

Daichi let out a sigh, his breath clouding around his face, and went to him.

He rounded the bench and sat at his side, staring straight ahead at the swingset as a cold breeze made the swings sway infinitesimally.

“Sorry,” Daichi mumbled.

Sugawara didn’t reply.

“I’m sorry,” Daichi repeated. “We both are. We were being childish. I’ve been really childish for a while now and I know I need to knock it off.”

Sugawara hunched his shoulders up, dipping his chin under his scarf as he continued to stare forward.

“I guess I’m just having a hard time adjusting,” Daichi murmured. “Change is difficult. And… everything in my life is so different now. We’re going to Nationals soon and then we’re going to be graduating… my relationships are changing… my dad…” he gulped and pulled one hand out of his pocket to rub his eyes. “Sorry. I know it’s not the end of the world. I’ll get over it.”

“I hate when people say that.”

Daichi paused and glanced over at Sugawara, whose nose was now scrunched, his eyebrows lowered as he stared at the ground in front of them.

 _“It’s not the end of the world,”_ Sugawara repeated, tone mocking. “No shit. _Nothing_ is the end of the world until the world fucking ends. But by pointing that out, it makes it sound like we’re not allowed to be upset about anything because, _hey_ , at least it’s not the end of the world.” He scoffed and looked away, voice low as he muttered, “As if complete and utter annihilation of humanity is the only thing worth worrying about.”

They sat in silence for a long minute.

“You’re right,” Daichi finally said. “It’s not the end of the world but it’s still important. So… I’ll just say it.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve been acting like such a child because I don’t like it. I don’t like the fact that you are kissing Nakatani and Yoshida.”

Sugawara let out a little huff and Daichi watched the cloud of breath dissipate in the cold air.

“Daichi…” he began, hesitantly. “For the longest time… I held myself back. I liked you so much that I didn’t even want to look at other people because I hoped that someday we would get together and all that waiting and focusing only on you would finally pay off.”

Daichi’s cheeks flushed and his heart skipped.

“But I’m not a machine. There are things I want to do. There are things I want to… to _feel_.”

Daichi’s stomach twisted and _oh,_ he didn’t like that.

“Now that I’ve finally confessed… and you rejected me…” Sugawara went on. “I feel like I have the freedom to actually go ahead and do the things I didn’t do back when I still hoped you would return my feelings. You don't _._ You said so yourself." He gulped. "So I can flirt with Nakatani. I can kiss Yoshida. It’s not love. It’s not even _like_. But it’s something that I want to do. Something I want to _feel_. So I’m going to do it." His voice softened. "I’m done letting my own expectations of a relationship that’ll never exist hold me back.”

And _oh,_ Daichi did _not_ like that.

They sat in silence, the cold breeze sweeping over them and chilling Daichi to his core. He wished he would have grabbed a thicker coat on his way out the door, like Sugawara had.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it half out to peek at the screen.

_Incoming call from…_

Daichi gritted his teeth and rejected the call, shoving the phone back into his pocket.

He was just so… _tired_ of this feeling.

Of not having a lick of control over anything that happened in his life.

He needed one, _just one,_ thing to go as planned, comfortably predictable.

His chest tightened and he turned to Sugawara.

“Suga…” he said, voice low.

Sugawara glanced wearily at him.

Daichi gulped. Before he could talk himself out of it, he reached out and cupped his cheek with one hand. He held his breath, ignoring the surprise that flashed across Sugawara’s face, and leaned in to close the distance between them.

Their lips just barely brushed- not enough to count- before Sugawara’s hands were against Daichi’s chest, shoving him away. Sugawara slid across the bench until his back connected with the armrest and then stared at Daichi with wide eyes, expression pale and stricken.

“What the fuck are you _doing_?” he breathed, voice barely audible.

Daichi’s stomach sank to his feet and he felt suddenly nauseous over the rejection.

“I… sorry,” he said, voice shaking. “I just thought…”

Sugawara thrust to his feet and moved away, one hand over his mouth.

“Don’t…” he said. “You can’t do that. Don’t _do_ that.”

Daichi swallowed, and _fuck_ that hurt. He squeezed his hands into fists in his lap.

“So… you’ll kiss Yoshida but not me?”

“It means _nothing_ to me to kiss him!” Sugawara said, voice rising in volume, panicked and several octaves too high. “It’s different with you!” he insisted, eyes turning glassy. “It _means_ something with you! And… and I don’t want you to kiss me and get my hopes up, just to dash them later when you realize that _this_ ,” he gestured roughly between them, _“isn’t what you want.”_

Daichi leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and rubbed his face with both hands. He left them over his eyes and said,

“I’m sorry.”

Sugawara didn’t reply.

“I’m sorry,” Daichi said again. “Sorry. _Fuck_. Just… forget it happened.”

They were silent for long seconds and Daichi wanted to sink into the ground and disappear.

_God damn it._

He had really stuck his foot in it this time. How many times could he keep making the same dumb ass mistake?

Wasn’t he supposed to be some sort of reliable, strong, functional human being?

_Some captain._

He felt his phone buzz and fury shot through him. He yanked the phone from his pocket, answered the call, and yelled into it,

 _“Stop fucking calling me!”_ before hurling it across the park.

He heard a soft, “ _Fuck_ ,” from Sugawara but couldn’t meet his eyes.

He hung his head and desperately tried to hold his frustration in.

Hadn’t he done enough?

Hadn’t he _had_ enough?

When would things start going well for him again?

Hadn’t he earned a little bit of god damn peace yet?

In his peripheral vision, he saw Sugawara move. He turned and walked away and Daichi just wanted to scream.

_It’s not the end of the world, idiot._

_Stop acting like a goddamn child._

A few seconds later, Sugawara was back. He sat at his side, took his hand, and pressed the phone to it. Daichi stared at it.

At least it wasn't broken.

He didn't think he could handle _that_ too.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

Sugawara’s arms circled his shoulders and pulled him close. Daichi sank into his hold, face hidden against the side of his neck, grateful for the warmth.

Sugawara hugged him tight, one hand gently stroking over his hair, and Daichi could almost fall asleep like that, the touch soothing and tender.

“Sorry,” Daichi murmured and he hated how weak his voice sounded.

“It’s okay,” Sugawara replied.

“No. It’s not. I’ve been such a piece of shit lately—”

“Uhm? Excuse you? I've been a piece of shit my whole life. Since when is that a _problem_?”

Daichi let out a huff of laughter. “Shuddup.”

"How can I shut up now that you've insulted my entire existence like that? I'm so hurt, I might cry."

"Ugh, stop."

"Seriously Daichi, so rude. Pieces of shit deserve respect too. Without people like me, who would make guys like you look so good?"

" _Good_ is the last thing I look. I'm a stupid son of a bitch who—”

"Son of a _bitch_. Ha, perfect description, if I do say so myself."

Daichi laughed and buried his face against Sugawara's skin. "Yeah..." he murmured. "Pretty perfect."

"Hmm..." Sugawara's arms shifted in order to hold him tighter, tucking his body even more comfortably against him. "Maybe not perfect yet. I can think of some more choice adjectives. For example... son of a _stupid_ bitch."

Daichi smiled, wrapping his arms around Sugawara's waist and gripping his coat with his frozen fingers.

"Son of a stupid _pathetic_ bitch," Sugawara added. "Great and wonderful son of a stupid, pathetic, shitty, doesn't understand how good she had it because she's a fucking idiotic and ungrateful fucking whore—”

"I think you've made your point, Suga," Daichi said.

"You sure? I could go on. I've got plenty more where that came from."

Daichi chuckled. "I'm good."

"Okay, if you're sure." Sugawara giggled and pulled away. “I’m fucking freezing. Let’s go home.” He stood and offered his hands with a smile, cheeks and nose flushed red.

Daichi took his hands, allowing him to pull him to his feet. He released him and they both turned and headed in the direction of home.

“Ugh, so studying was a total bust today.” Sugawara sighed. “At this rate, I’ll never make it into a good university.”

Daichi gulped, staring at the sidewalk beneath his feet. His stomach churned and he cleared his throat.

“I’ve… been thinking about that.”

“Hm? What?”

“University.”

“Oh?” Sugawara breathed warm air onto his fingers. “Finally decide where you wanna go?”

Daichi hesitated. “Not… not really.”

“Then what?”

He lifted his eyes, gazing up the street. “I was thinking I might not go.”

Sugawara drew to an abrupt halt. Daichi slowed and faced him, too nervous to meet his eyes. When he finally mustered the courage and did, Sugawara was gaping at him, eyes wide.

“Huh?” he said. “What do you mean?”

Daichi scratched the back of his head. “I don’t know… I just think… maybe it’s not for me.”

“Since when? You’ve… you’ve always planned on going to university. We were going to go together. What… what changed your mind?”

Daichi knew he was upsetting him. He could hear it in the quiver of his voice, could see it in the shock of his expression.

But he couldn’t back down now.

“I dunno. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s not like I had any clear dream when it came to my future. I can just get a job and stay here—”

“But…” Sugawara’s brows furrowed, his bottom lip trembled. “But we… we were going to…” His eyes were shining and he was struggling to get the words out. “Is it… is it because of me?”

“What?”

“Is it because I confessed? You don’t want to go with me… live with me… I make you uncomfortable…”

“No!”

“But why else would you change your mind so suddenly? If you don’t want to live with me then you don’t have to live with me! You don’t have to—”

“It’s because I don’t want to leave my dad!”

Sugawara fell silent, a tear slipping down his cheek. He sniffled and reached up to rub his nose.

“What?”

Daichi lowered his eyes, chest stinging. “I don’t want him to be alone. I’m all he has left now and… I can’t leave him. I can’t just _abandon_ him. When I think… think about how lonely he would be in that house all by himself it just… it fucking hurts. He's barely been able to take care of himself these past few weeks and what if I leave and he... and I don’t want him to think I'm abandoning him like… I just…”

Sugawara quickly stepped forward and hugged him again, dragging his face down against his shoulder.

Daichi’s chest swelled with too much emotion and he was suddenly crying, sobbing into his coat. He wrapped his arms around his waist and squeezed him tight, sobs unrestrained and loud, shaking his entire body.

“ _God… damn… it…_ ” he choked. “I hate… _hate this_.”

“I know,” Sugawara said, voice soothing.

“It fucking _sucks_.”

“I know,” he repeated.

But he didn't.

He couldn't.

Sugawara couldn't know all the feelings swelling up, getting stuck inside Daichi's chest. He couldn't know because _Daichi_ didn't even know. He didn't know what they meant or even what they _were_ and everything was so confusing and too heavy and he just wanted to be past this.

He wanted to close his eyes, skip these uncertain days, and wake up when everything made sense again.

A time like before, when the only thing he cared about was playing his favorite sport with his favorite people. Warm days and cool nights where everything felt normal and right and he could enjoy just being a kid.

He wanted to skip to a time when he wasn't faced with forking paths that, no matter which he chose, ended in a broken heart.

"It's okay," Sugawara whispered, fingers buried in Daichi's hair.

But it wasn't.

It really wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaand everybody's sad again  
> i'm so sorry  
> or am i  
> i am  
> or am i?
> 
> Thank you for reading you darling angels, loves of mine, I adore you, accept my hugs <3
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=KXfQWuVxQWCD0-zOA2aRaQ)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> Leave your mark


	10. Stop that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another thing to think about

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moods:  
> [Don't You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-dStgLBAOA)  
> "Why do we go off the rails?  
> It's like you taking the wind out my sails  
> Got me losing my focus for real, like this  
> Here we go all day, here we go all day, here we go all day-ay-ay"
> 
> [How it Ends](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zd_ReDp8ir4)  
> ""Will we be together forever? Brokenhearted? Or only friends?"  
> Well, you're not gonna like the story if you know how it ends  
> Wonder if we'll be cashing out on all the time that we spend?  
> Well, you're not gonna like the story  
> If you know how, you know how it ends"

“We should probably go back soon,” Yoshida said as their lips parted. He released Sugawara’s wrists and leaned against the bookshelf at his side, pushing his hair from his forehead.

Sugawara sighed and dropped his head back against the books.

“They should give us a longer lunch break,” he grumbled.

Yoshida snorted. “As if they would.”

“A guy can dream.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Sugawara stared across the aisle. Kissing Yoshida was nice. _Kissing_ was nice. Sugawara liked it. He liked to be close enough to a person to feel the heat of their body. He liked to feel someone else’s hands on him, around his wrists, gripping his hips, holding his face.

Sugawara liked making out with Yoshida.

“Hey Yoshida,” he said.

“Hm?”

“Date me.”

“I’ll pass.”

Sugawara let out a soft chuckle. “Yeah… that seems to be the general consensus…”

Yoshida turned towards him, leaning on his shoulder against the shelves.

“What’s up? Something bugging you?”

_My best friend who I am in love with tried to kiss me the other day and instead of accepting it like a normal person would, I pushed him away and now I regret it because I’ll never know what it’s like to kiss him and will forever have to settle with making out with people to whom I feel no emotional connection, hiding in corners of the library for the rest of my life._

“Gotta practice match against Datekou today,” he said instead. “Little nervous I guess.”

“Man up.” Yoshida straightened and slapped his shoulder. “It’s just a practice match. If you lose your nerves for that, then you’re going to be lost at nationals.”

He sighed. “I know.”

“You’re the only Karasuno club to make it to any nationals this year so you better not embarrass us.”

Sugawara rolled his eyes and pushed away from the shelves. “God, no pressure, right?”

“Yes pressure.” Yoshida followed as he walked up the aisle and crossed the library. “We’re all counting on you to make us look good.”

“Can’t you just make yourself look good?”

“Did you _see_ my team this year? Asking us to make ourselves look good is asking way too much.”

Sugawara laughed. They walked out into the hall and turned for the stairwell.

“Alright, fair enough.” Sugawara dragged his hand through his hair, eyes drifting up the hall to where Daichi and Nakatani stood together, leaning against a window sill. Daichi looked away when their eyes met and Sugawara’s stomach twisted.

He had told him to forget about it. Forget it ever happened.

But no matter how hard he tried, Sugawara couldn’t erase the memory of Daichi’s hand on his cheek, pulling him close. The faint, _almost_ brush of their lips.

God he should have let him do it.

What was his problem?

Yeah, it would hurt more later, when Daichi realized he was just letting his stress get to him and he didn’t actually like Sugawara that way. But Sugawara should have let him do it. He should have let him and then cherished the memory of kissing Daichi for the rest of his life.

When he went off to university.

Alone.

Tears stung Sugawara’s eyes and he chewed on his bottom lip.

He knew he was being spoiled. It was Daichi’s choice whether or not he wanted to go to university after graduation. And it’s not like his reason was bad. Daichi had always had a steadfast hierarchy of importance, after all.

And Rikichi was at the top.

The most important thing in the _world._

It made sense that if Daichi chose to change his mind about something this big, it was because of him.

And really... it wasn't a _bad_ reason.

But…

Sugawara wanted to cry. They had planned it for years. Since they were kids, they had it all sorted out. They would move to Tokyo, rent an apartment together, go to school and take classes together. They would learn how to cook together and would join study groups together.

Make new friends together.

Always _be_ together.

And now… the only way to stay together was if Sugawara also stayed.

_I can’t quit school for a boy._

God that would be the dumbest shit. Souta would really kick his ass. His mom and dad would kick his ass. As _cool_ as they tried to be, they would _not_ like the reasoning of _I don’t want to do it without my best friend._

Why did everything have to suck so bad? Even if they could never be together romantically, Sugawara had at least held on to the hope that they could still be best friends, navigating life together as they always have, side by side.

Just what the fuck was Sugawara without Daichi anyway?

_Sad._

_Lonely._

_Nothing._

Then again, maybe it would be easier. If Daichi stayed and Sugawara went, he wouldn't have to watch him meet and fall in love with somebody else. That totally sounded awful.

Terrible.

Definitely bad.

It was cowardly, but maybe Daichi staying in Miyagi and Sugawara going to Tokyo was the better path for the both of them.

Even if Sugawara absolutely hated it.

“See ya,” Yoshida pushed Sugawara’s shoulder at the stairwell, heading down to the first floor.

“Later,” Sugawara mumbled and glanced over his shoulder.

His eyes met with Daichi’s again before he was looking away, out the window.

Sugawara sighed.

He should have let him kiss him.

* * *

Tanaka groaned and leaned back against the wall, a water bottle clutched in his hand, sweat dripping down the sides of his neck and shaved head.

“I’m just _saying_ ,” Sugawara said. “Futakuchi can _get it_.”

“And I’m just saying, can you please stop lusting after our opponents?” Tanaka lifted the water bottle to his mouth and drank.

“ _Go, go, let’s go, let’s go, Datekou!_ ”

Sugawara lifted his eyes to the walkway surrounding the gym in which their practice match against the Iron Wall was being held.

“Then again…” he hummed. “Kamasaki…”

“Please don’t even think about it,” Asahi begged, tucking a lock of hair back into his bun.

Kamasaki’s eyes drifted in Sugawara’s direction and noticed him staring. His left eyebrow cocked.

Sugawara gave his most inviting smile and waved, fingers fluttering.

Tanaka and Asahi groaned and voiced another round of complaints.

Daichi walked up and pushed Sugawara’s hand down. “No flirting with the enemy.”

“Technically, he’s not,” Sugawara shrugged. “He’s retired, remember? So I could totally bone him and the only traitor to his team would be him.”

“No _boning_ the enemy,” Daichi snapped. He sent a glare over his shoulder at the Datekou third years.

Kamasaki’s other eyebrow lifted as well, followed by a smirk as he leaned his elbows against the railing and watched them.

Sugawara moaned. “Oh c’mon, Daichi. He’s a _hottie_. And if I get close to him, I can get him to tell me Datekou’s secrets—”

“No.”

Sugawara pouted. He looked back up at Kamasaki, who continued to stare. When their eyes met, he lifted a hand and waved, corner of his lips tilted up.

A thrill shot down Sugawara’s spine and he waved again, adding a wink for good measure.

“ _You mother fucker…_ ” Daichi threw an arm around his neck and trapped him into a headlock.

“Daichi!” Sugawara wailed. “Stop interfering! How am I supposed to ever lose my virginity if you keep _cockblocking_ me?”

“I’m gonna go ahead and pretend I didn’t hear that.”

They all turned towards Ukai, who stood a short distance away, arms crossed over his chest, dull look on his face.

“I’m really not in the mood to give you guys the _no sex is safe sex_ talk right now so if we could just focus on the matter at hand?”

Daichi released Sugawara and he straightened, pushing his hair from his face.

“Yes Coach,” they mumbled.

“Good. Now, we’ve got one more set. Let’s get out there and show them what Karasuno’s made of.”

Sugawara put his thirst out of his mind in order to study the next set. They really were all over the place. Everyone was trying something new, testing things out against their practice opponents. Kageyama was getting pretty mouthy with just about everyone on the team and Sugawara couldn’t help but feel a little proud of his kouhai.

“He learned that from me,” Sugawara told Ennoshita, who hummed and rolled his eyes in response.

At the end of the match, the two teams thanked each other for the practice and Karasuno prepared to leave. The first and second years cleared out of the gym first and Sugawara, Asahi, and Daichi trailed behind.

“Asahi, tell Daichi how it’s good for my stress!” Sugawara urged him, tugging on the sleeve of his jacket. “Everyone knows that the best way to relax is to have a rockin' orgas—”

“Nothing you say will convince me,” Daichi interrupted. “So just go ahead and shut your—”

They suddenly ran in to the three Datekou third years.

Sugawara nearly jumped in joy at the sight of Kamasaki and the lazy smirk he gave him. They exchanged coy looks while Moniwa wished them luck on their future matches and Daichi thanked them.

As the two groups passed by each other, Sugawara pretended to trip and stumbled into Kamasaki.

 _“Oops!”_ he said, falling heavily into his ready arms.

Kamasaki chuckled, hands on his waist holding him steady. “Careful,” he said in a low voice.

“Oh thank you. Kamasaki-kun you’re so stro—”

A hand gripped the back of his jacket and yanked him out of Kamasaki’s arms. He stumbled backwards, not even having the time to gain his balance again before he was spun in a circle and lifted off of the ground in one swift motion.

Daichi tossed him onto his shoulder, one arm strong around his waist.

“Good _bye_ Datekou,” Daichi snapped and turned away.

“Daichi you fucking _cockblock_.”

Kamasaki let out loud, barking laughter and Sugawara pushed up on Daichi's shoulder, fingers knotted in the back of his jacket, to look at him. Kamasaki grinned and waved.

“Later, Karasuno,” he said with a wink.

Sugawara sighed wistfully.

“We could’ve been great,” he whispered as Daichi carried him farther and farther away from the retreating Datekou boys. "We could have been great!" he repeated, loud enough for them to hear this time.

Kamasaki laughed again.

And yeah, they would have been. Kamasaki was hot and intense and totally Sugawara's type (obviously).

But... he didn’t mind Daichi’s interference.

Actually… he kind of liked it.

_Nah, I really like it._

Because it felt like jealousy, didn’t it? It felt like possessiveness and Daichi not wanting anyone else to touch Sugawara.

Felt like Daichi wanted him for himself.

And maybe that wasn’t the case. Maybe Daichi really was just annoyed that it was a rival that Sugawara was chasing. Maybe he just didn’t like the idea of watching his childhood friend flirt with every guy with broad shoulders who made eyes at him (and god he wished there’d be more of them.)

Maybe it wasn’t jealousy.

But it felt that way, and Sugawara liked it.

And even if it was kinda sneaky and shitty…

He thought maybe he might push it a little further.

* * *

“You look a little pissed today, Sawamura.”

Daichi wasn’t in the mood to be batted around by Nakatani. As he sat at the lunch table at his side, he gave him that smug smirk that said all Daichi needed to know about his intentions. He was looking for some entertainment. He wanted Daichi to fight with him.

But not today.

“It’s driving me insane.”

Nakatani blinked at him in surprise, obviously not prepared for Daichi to actually accept the conversation instead of biting out an annoyed _fuck off_ and play right into his call for banter.

“What is?” he asked, recovered from his shock. He unwrapped his bread and took a large bite.

“Suga,” Daichi said. “And Yoshida.” He glared across the cafeteria.

Nakatani hummed. “So why don’t you tell Koushi?”

“I _did_. But he made an annoyingly good point and I don’t really have any right to stop him, do I? It’s not like we’re dating. We’re just friends. We’re only going to be friends. So I don’t have any… _jurisdiction_ over him and what he does.”

“So then confess to him. Start dating. Problem solved.”

“ _No._ ” Daichi lifted his onigiri to his mouth and bit into it. “I’m not… my life is too stressful right now to _date_.”

Nakatani was silent for a moment before leaning towards him. “Ehhh, but you accept that you _want_ to confess to him?”

“ _No._ ” Daichi chewed angrily. “We’re just friends. I’m… a little confused right now because of everything that’s been going on, but I’m not like... _in love with him_ or anything.”

Nakatani clicked his tongue. “I can’t believe you’re still in denial.”

“Don’t fight me on this, Nakatani. You won’t win.”

He grumbled and scarfed down the rest of his bread. They chewed in silence for long seconds before speaking again.

“So you just want Koushi and Yoshida to stop… you know. Their little business transaction?” Nakatani asked.

“God, don’t call it that.”

“So you want Koushi and Yoshida to stop playing tonsil tennis?”

“ _God, don’t call it that._ ”

“So you want Koushi and Yoshida to stop deep cavern spelunking in each other’s mouths?”

“I swear to god if you say one more word I’m going to puke.”

Nakatani chuckled. He sucked on the straw of his chocolate milk and then set it down.

“You know…”

“Nakatani…”

“Don’t worry! I’m done with the tongue wrestling imagery.”

 _“God damn it_.”

Nakatani dodged his punch. “So, I went to primary and middle school with Yoshida, right?”

Daichi’s brows ticked up and he folded his arms on the table.

“I didn’t know that,” he admitted.

“Of course you didn’t,” Nakatani gave him a pointed look. “You never try to get to know _anything_ about me. Ever.”

Sudden guilt swamped him. Daichi gulped and opened his mouth to apologize- and wow he never expected to apologize to _Nakatani_ , of all people- but he didn't get the words out before Nakatani was grinning and ruffling his hair.

“ _Relax_ Buddy. I’m boring anyway. Unless you just so happen to love turtles as much I do. How 'bout them wacky snake-necked turtles? It's like, why you need so much neck? Ammiright?"

Daichi rolled his eyes.

"But anyway…" Nakatani waved a hand. "I’ve known Yoshida for a long time. And you know what I’ve learned about him?”

Daichi rested his chin in the palm of his hand and regarded him warily. “What?”

“Don't get me wrong. Dude’s not a _bad_ guy,” Nakatani said with a shrug. “Really, he’s not. But he’s an only child and has _loaded_ parents. You know what that means?”

Daichi sighed, tired of the back and forth of the conversation. “What does it mean?”

“The guy is _spoiled_. Like, totally rotten.”

Daichi hummed. “Okay…”

Nakatani ripped open the packaging of another bread. “When we were little, Yoshida _hated_ to share. _D_ _espised_ it. In primary school, he would claim things for himself and never let anyone else use them. If anyone managed to get ahold of one of his things and used it, he would refuse to use that thing ever again. So stubborn, man.” Nakatani took a bite and Daichi watched him closely as he chewed. He wiped his lips with the back of his hand and went on, “He grew out of the worst of it, but even now I notice he’s got this attitude about certain things. He still clearly hates to share.”

For long moments, Daichi didn’t say a word. Then, after he had let the story sink in, he asked,

“What does this have to do with my current problem?”

Nakatani chuckled and gave him an amused side-eye.

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

* * *

"Good afternoon, Koushi!"

Sugawara nearly lost his balance in his desperation to face the voice that called out to him. His breath came a little short and fast as he met Rikichi's gaze from where he stood just outside the gate of his house.

"Afternoon Sawamura-san!" he said, quickly tucking a lock of hair behind his ear. "Are you going out?"

"Yep," Rikichi jingled the car keys in his hand and approached him. "Need some groceries. Daichi said you two are going to have another study session?"

"Uh huh, just gonna shower first." He glanced at the stone wall beside which he stood and casually- or at least he hoped it looked casual- leaned a hand against it and cocked his hip. Oh god he totally didn't look casual at all. Abort. He dropped the hand again and wiped his sweaty palm on the thigh of his track pants.

Rikichi didn't seem to notice his sudden awkward floundering. He reached up and ran a large hand through his shaggy black hair, pushing it away from his face and _oh come on_. He _had_ to know how sexy the motion was. Damn Sawamuras. They were too good looking for Sugawara's weak heart.

"I'll bet school is getting pretty hectic right about now, huh?" Rikichi asked with a hum, eyes drifting across the street.

"Yeah, definitely. I'm drowning in it," Sugawara said with a sigh. "It's exhausting trying to juggle exams and volleyball at the same time. Now I get why the sensei tried so hard to get us third years to retire from club."

Rikichi pursed his lips and met his eyes.

And oh man what Sugawara wouldn't give to be _under_ him right now. Getting that look as he leaned over him, shirtless and-

Wait.

_Stop that Koushi._

_Yes he's hot._

_Yes you would sell your soul to get into his pants._

_But Daichi will be pissed if you openly flirt with his dad._

_Not that I care if he gets pissed._

_Nope, not at all._

_But maybe cool it for now._

_Before you pop a boner._

"How has Daichi been doing in class?" Rikichi finally asked, a little bit hesitantly.

Sugawara blinked, cocking his head to the side. "In class? He's good... I guess."

"He's not struggling with any of the lessons?"

"Uhm... he was kind of worried over a Japanese History grade he got a few weeks ago but other than that... I think he's fine?"

Rikichi's thick brows furrowed and he scratched at his beard, gaze moving across the street again.

"Is something wrong?" Sugawara asked.

"I dunno..." He dropped his hand to his side and then shoved both of them into the pockets of his jeans. "I feel like he's avoiding talking to me about it. We talk a lot about volleyball but as soon as I ask about school he shrugs, says it's normal, and changes the subject." He frowned. "I thought maybe he was struggling and didn't want to tell me."

"Hmm..." Sugawara crossed his arms over his chest and squinted at the quickly darkening sky overhead. "No... I don't think he's struggling. So far as I know he's still got pretty good grades. Definitely good enough to graduate, at least." He pursed his lips as a melancholic feeling swept over him at the memory of what Daichi had said in the park. "Since he decided not to go to uni, I suppose that's all he really needs."

"What?"

Sugawara met Rikichi's wide eyes again. His eyebrows were high on his forehead, mouth slightly agape.

 _Uh_ _oh._

Sugawara gulped. "Uhm..."

"Daichi's not going to university?" Rikichi repeated. "But... since when? I thought..." He seemed speechless, completely caught off guard.

_Crap._

Sugawara kicked himself, flinching when Rikichi turned his body and stared across the street, hands slowly sliding out of his pockets.

"Why wouldn't he tell me that?" he asked, voice soft. "Isn't that... something you would want to talk to your dad about?"

Sugawara waved his hands, wracking his mind for how to salvage the situation. "Well! I think he just barely made the decision! Uh, I just barely found out too so maybe he just hasn't told you yet because... uh, he's so busy! Volleyball and exams and... maybe he didn't want to bother you because... well... it's really not..."

Rikichi rubbed his eyes and Sugawara fell silent in defeat.

"Did he tell you why?"

Sugawara looked away and didn't reply.

Rikichi took the hint.

Neither of them spoke for long seconds and then Rikichi finally let out a sigh. He turned to Sugawara and patted him on the shoulder.

"It's alright, Koushi."

Sugawara peeked up into his face. "Please don't tell him I told you. I didn't realize you didn't know yet..."

Rikichi gave him a crooked smile and squeezed his shoulder. "Don't worry. I won't rat you out. Thank you for telling me though. I... apparently I have some things I need to think about."

Sugawara gulped and nodded. Rikichi gave his shoulder one last squeeze and released him.

"Well, I'm off to the store. Good luck on studying." He turned and walked up the sidewalk to where his car was parked.

Sugawara watched him climb inside and then continued to watch as the car pulled away from the curb and drove up the street. He didn't finally turn to his gate until the car had turned the corner and disappeared from view.

"Damn it," he whispered and rubbed his eyes. 

As if he hadn't screwed up three too many times already. Now he was accidentally spilling Daichi's secrets to his father? Sugawara was such a clumsy bastard.

He opened the gate and headed up the path to his house, head hung low.

_Forget it._

He would just forget about it.

Sure, he messed up.

But Rikichi was a good father and he deserved to know anyway. And now that he did, he would handle it in the way that only he could.

Sugawara was sure of it.

"I'm home," he called as he paused in the entrance and removed his shoes.

Everything would be fine.

He would act normal during their study session and everything would be fine.

Hopefully.

* * *

Sugawara let out a loud groan and leaned against his bed, throwing his arms up and back across the mattress.

“This sucks!” he shouted to the ceiling. “Studying sucks! I hate it! School is stupid! I’m dropping out! I’m gonna become a vagrant, traveling the country with nothing but the clothes on my back, sneaking onto trains and singing old folk songs with wayward souls I meet along the way!”

Daichi rolled his eyes and finished writing the answer to a problem on their math study guide.

“Your tastes are too expensive for that sort of lifestyle,” he said, turning the page.

“Nuh uh! I’m thrifty! I’ll learn how to play the banjo and earn money on the streets busking.”

“ _The banjo_ ,” Daichi scoffed. “You’ve never played an instrument a day in your life.”

“Uhm, are you forgetting all that time we spent in music class?”

“You played the _cymbals_.”

“Still an instrument!”

“You wouldn’t even come in at the right times though—”

“ _Still an instrument!_ ”

Daichi laughed and set his pencil down on his notebook. He leaned back on the heels of his hands and stared across table at Sugawara. His torso was stretched and taut over the back of his bed, the hem of his t-shirt lifted up over his navel. Daichi gulped, pulling his eyes away from the strip of pale skin of his flat stomach. He traced up the line of his throat to the milky clear skin under his chin and jaw.

His stomach tightened and he cursed inwardly, forcing his eyes away.

_Stop that._

_You’re not allowed to think inappropriate thoughts about your best friend right now._

He hesitated.

_Or ever._

“Hey Daichi…”

He glanced back over at him, but Sugawara continued to stare up at the ceiling.

“Yeah?”

“What do you want to do with your life?”

Daichi didn’t reply.

_What do I want to do with my life?_

That really was the question of the century, wasn’t it? The question everyone was constantly asking them, from their teachers to the counselor to their parents to random strangers on the street.

_What do you want to do with your life?_

Daichi didn’t have a clue. He used to want to go to college. He wanted to get an education and a career that he was passionate about. Not that he knew what career that could be. If he was being honest, Daichi kind of wanted to just play volleyball forever. But he knew he didn’t have the skill to pull that off. At least not on the professional level.

But beyond his love of volleyball, Daichi didn’t have any other strong interests. He had flipped through books, taking note of things that sounded feasible.

Teaching, maybe, had been on the table. He liked guiding his kouhai on the court, after all.

He admired his father and had once daydreamed of following in his footsteps to become a police officer.

But in the end, he probably would have just wound up as a business man, working a typical salary job, wearing a suit and drinking with coworkers every Friday.

Daichi could see himself living that sort of boring, average life.

Not that any of that mattered anymore. He had decided not to leave. He would stay here with his dad. He would get a job anywhere that he could get it and do monotonous labor for the rest of his days.

That was fine though. He wouldn’t be lonely. He wouldn’t have to leave his dad. Wouldn’t have to worry about him every day that he was living in a distant city.

That was fine.

That was good enough.

“I don’t really know,” Daichi finally admitted. “I guess I’ll get a job here after graduating. Maybe I’ll help Ukai-san coach the new team.”

Sugawara was silent.

“And then?”

Daichi leaned forward on his elbows. “What do you mean?”

Sugawara finally straightened out of his position and propped his chin up in the palms of his hands.

“What about after that?” he asked. “Are you going to do that forever? Or will you like… I don’t know. I could see you starting your own craft. Opening a business.”

Daichi chuckled. “Maybe, if I had any sort of skill other than volleyball.”

“You’ve got plenty of skills.”

Daichi rolled his eyes.

“I’m serious,” Sugawara insisted. “For one thing, you’re strong. And handsome. You could be a model.”

“Know of many business opportunities for strong, handsome models around here?”

“You could make your own.”

Daichi let out a laugh. “That’s definitely not how it works but okay.”

The corners of Sugawara’s mouth ticked up momentarily before smoothing out. His eyes drifted across the room.

“What about… you know.”

“What?”

“Like, not just job stuff. What about… do you think you’ll ever get married? Have kids?”

“No.”

Daichi said it instantly. He pursed his lips and stared down at the notebook in front of him.

No. Marriage definitely wasn’t on the table.

“You sure said that with a lot of confidence,” Sugawara mumbled. “What makes you so sure?”

“I’m not interested in ever getting married,” Daichi said simply, closing his notebook.

Sugawara didn’t reply.

Daichi cleared his throat and closed his textbook too, setting the notebook on top of it.

“What about you?” he asked. “What do you want to do with your life?”

Sugawara pushed out a long breath of air, eyes sliding shut.

“I have no fucking clue,” he muttered.

Daichi chuckled.

“I’m only eighteen! Why are they putting the responsibility of planning my entire life on my scrawny eighteen year old shoulders?” He wailed, dropping his head down onto the table, arms falling flat.

“They’re not scrawny,” Daichi said.

“Not the thing I needed encouragement on, Daichi, but thanks anyway.”

He grinned.

Sugawara turned his head and stared across the room. “I dunno. I guess I’ll just… go to uni and pick some course I won’t totally hate, and then get stuck doing it for the rest of my life. I’ll… be a dietician. No… I know nothing about being healthy. Maybe I’ll be a primary school teacher. Nah… I'm too immature. I’ll… design water bottles. Or candle labels.”

“There’s a plan.”

Sugawara chuckled and sat up, playing with his pencil.

Daichi observed him quietly for a moment before asking the question eating him up inside.

“And the other stuff?”

Sugawara’s eyes lifted to his.

“Starting a family and all that?”

Sugawara chuckled, but his face didn’t show even a lick of humor.

“A family?” he tossed his pencil aside. “Doubt it. I’ll probably bounce around from man to man, giving myself to anyone who will have me.” He stretched his arms over his head. “Living my life one one night stand to the next!”

Daichi’s chest tightened.

_Ah. I don’t like that._

Sugawara stared up at the ceiling. “Nah. Probably not. That sounds way too exhausting.” He sighed. “Maybe I’ll just settle down with Yoshida.”

Daichi held his breath as a stroke of anger shot through him.

_Not Yoshida._

Daichi _hated_ that.

He didn’t want to think about Sugawara and Yoshida being together. It was already bad enough now when they were just fooling around during lunch.

Anything beyond that was just…

_Unacceptable._

Daichi’s hands squeezed into fists on the table and he glared at them.

_"He still clearly hates to share."_

Nakatani’s voice whispered in his head and Daichi slowly lifted his eyes to Sugawara, who continued to stare at the ceiling, hands folded behind his head. He dragged his gaze down to the pale, smooth skin of his throat, mouth going dry.

_Hates... to share..._

Daichi gripped the corners of the table and suddenly shoved it to the side, clearing the space between him and Sugawara, who straightened in surprise, looking at him with wide eyes.

“What—” he started, hands lowering from the back of his head.

Daichi grabbed his ankles and yanked.

Sugawara let out a yelp as his entire body slid down and across the floor in his direction. Before he could protest, could get his hands on the floor and wiggle free, Daichi released his ankles and grabbed his hips, dragging him the rest of the way towards him until Daichi was kneeling between his spread thighs.

“Dai—” Sugawara breathed out but Daichi didn’t wait to hear the rest.

He released his hips and grabbed his wrists instead. In one swift motion, he jerked them up and pinned them to the floor over his head, leaning over and then dropping quickly down to close his mouth over the side of his throat. Sugawara released a squeak as Daichi began to suck.

“ _What… what are you—_ ” Sugawara’s legs lifted, knees squeezed Daichi’s hips. He tugged on his arms but Daichi tightened his grip, holding him still as he sucked a dark hickey onto the side of his neck.

And the way Sugawara's body squirmed a little, hips jolting up into Daichi's... the way he could feel goosebumps rising on his skin under his lips... the way a little breathless gasp feathered Daichi's ear... it sent pleasant shivers down his spine and made his fingers tighten even more around his wrists.

_Good..._

_More..._

When he finished leaving his mark, he swiped his tongue over it and leaned back, examining his handiwork. He released one of Sugawara’s wrists and cupped the side of his neck, running his thumb over the fresh bruise, _sickeningly_ satisfied with the sight of it.

His eyes drifted up into Sugawara’s stricken, flushed face as he stared, wide-eyed back up at him. A jolt of something tight and hot shot through Daichi's lower body and he blinked.

Finally the realization of what he had just done froze him in place.

_Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—_

Daichi leapt to his feet and snatched his books up off of the table. He didn’t say a word as he bolted to the balcony and vaulted across to his, nearly stumbling straight into the glass door in his desperation. Inside his room, he slammed the door, locked it, and then dragged the curtain shut.

“ _Aaaaaaaaahhhh!_ ” He dropped his books to the floor and slapped his hands over his face.

_What the fuck, what the fuck?_

What the fuck had Daichi just done?

Was he _insane_?

“Oh god,” he stumbled to his bed and fell onto it, hand over his mouth.

_I’m going to puke._

_What is wrong with me?_

How could he just…

Why did he…

What was going through his brain to think that…

Daichi had clearly lost his mind. He shoved his face into his pillow and yelled into it until his lungs ached.

_Idiot._

_Idiot._

_Dumbass._

_Stupid._

Daichi was such an absolute idiot.

He was insane.

He was…

_Turned on._

“Nooooo, no, no, no, no,” he whimpered into his pillow. “ _Stop, stop, stop. Stupid body. Stop it._ ”

He refused to accept that he had just given his best friend an angry hickey and _gotten hard over it_.

It wasn’t even sexual! Daichi just… he was just trying to…

Keep Yoshida away.

If he really didn’t like to share, then he wouldn’t like to see a hickey on Sugawara that he hadn’t put there himself. That was all. That was the only reason Daichi had done it. It was just to get his best friend back from that other guy, who only wanted him to do perverted stuff with.

That’s… that was all.

There was nothing more to it.

There was nothing to the thought of Sugawara underneath him. Nothing to the way his knees had squeezed at his hips. To the way he had looked with his arms pinned to the ground over his head, shirt lifted up over his belly button… staring up at Daichi, completely under his control and at his mercy…

“ _Nooooo!_ ” Daichi cried into his pillow when his lower body gave a desperate throb.

He _swore_ it wasn’t sexual. He didn’t feel anything like that. Not for Sugawara.

Not for his best friend.

_Who now has my mark on him, for everyone to see._

Daichi panted, brow furrowing tight over his closed eyes.

It was no use.

He could say it all he wanted but it wouldn’t change the pitiful state of the erection in his pants. He could deny it as many times as he wanted but nothing was making the throbbing need go away. Nothing was making the seared image of Sugawara stretched out underneath him disappear.

“ _Ah fuck…_ ” Daichi groaned, slipping a shaking hand inside his pants.

And he swore it wasn’t sexual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could not, for the life of me, get into the groove of editing this. I hope it's not absolute garbage! I'm sure I'll read over it later tonight or tomorrow and cringe so hard i pop a blood vessel but oh well, it's going up!
> 
> How 'bout them turtles, ammiright?
> 
> Thanks for keeping up the unending support, you guys are superstars and I love you! <3
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=CwSlOtgURe2sVdfOLeE2KQ)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> Most Important Thing


	11. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another heart to heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moods:  
> [Trivia:Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lMo517PIzk)  
> "Is this love  
> Is this love  
> Sometimes I know  
> Sometimes I don't"
> 
> [Call My Dad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCo6_JbKp-A)  
> "And now after it all, I just really wanna call  
> My dad  
> My dad  
> I feel so broke up, I wanna go home  
> No, I feel so broke up, I wanna go home"

Sugawara wasn’t losing his mind, was he?

No, he definitely wasn’t losing his mind. It was everyone else. Everyone _else_ was crazy. Sugawara was the last rational human being on the planet, surely.

After all, it wasn’t _he_ who pinned his best friend down and put a hickey on his throat.

It wasn’t _he_ who saw said hickey in the library and decided that he no longer wanted to make out with the guy he had been fooling around with for the past month.

It wasn’t _he_ who had completely and utterly lost his god damn marbles.

And if he had, it was all Sawamura Daichi’s fault.

“I gotta tell you something.”

Asahi was immediately moaning, pressing his hands over his eyes. “Please God no,” he begged.

“C’mon,” Tanaka groaned. “Haven’t you tortured us enough?” He leaned back against the window sill of the second year hallway, and sucked on the straw of his strawberry milk.

Sugawara stood in front of them and pointed at the mark on the side of his neck.

Asahi and Tanaka stared at it quietly for a moment.

“So?” Tanaka finally said. “Tell Yoshida to keep it below the collar.”

“I would, if it was Yoshida who gave it to me,” Sugawara said.

Asahi sighed. “Then Nakatani—”

“ _It was Daichi._ ”

Tanaka spat strawberry milk across the hallway, enticing an irritated, “ _Ew, Tanaka!_ ” from a girl in the doorway of a classroom a short distance away.

He ignored her and stared at Sugawara with jaw dropped.

“ _What?_ ” Asahi squeaked. “ _Daichi?_ ”

“What the fuck _happened?_ ” Tanaka pressed.

Sugawara let out a moan and quickly explained what had happened in his room the night prior.

“ _What the fuck_ ,” Tanaka hissed, leaning close to examine the hickey. “ _Why?_ ”

“He’s cracking,” Asahi said, hands on either side of his head. “He’s cracking from the pressure. What do we do? We need a sane, fully functional captain for nationals. What do we _do_?”

“Man that’s incredible,” Tanaka said, poking Sugawara’s neck. “Maybe he’s realizing that he’s actually in love with you?”

Sugawara let out a mocking laugh. “Yeah, _sure_. More like he was sick of me and Yoshida getting frisky. Dude called off our make-out sessions because of this thing.”

“He’s _jealous_.” Tanaka wiggled his eyebrows.

“Oh god I wish.” Sugawara leaned against the window in between them, dropping his head back against the glass. “Jesus you should have seen him when he did it. So sexy. I had to jerk off like four times—”

“No details please,” Asahi said, voice tired.

“What do I do? It’s so awkward now. He can’t even look me in the eye. And I can’t look at him without seeing that super sexy expression he had when he was leaning over me and damn I’m gonna pop a boner, distract me fast.”

“Aaah!” Asahi cried out, turning towards him. “Think about nationals! It’s less than a month away and I’m terrified!”

Sugawara sighed. “Yeah… me too.”

Tanaka slapped his back. “Cheer up, Dude! This is good! Maybe this means that you’ve got a shot at winning him over! Just…” he leveled him with a serious stare. “Please, for the love of god, just save it for _after_ nationals. We need you both at the top of your game.”

Sugawara inhaled slowly and then let it out through his nose.

“Yeah… you’re right. I’ll… I’ll just forget about it for now. Pretend it never happened. I’ll wait until we get back from nationals to have an existential crisis over the fact that my best friend might actually let me deepthroat his dick one day.”

Tanaka and Asahi both groaned and moved away from him.

“What?” Sugawara blinked, staring after them as they headed up the hall.

He gave chase.

“What? Why are you leaving me?”

“Dude we can only take you in small doses,” Tanaka said. “Go find someone else to gross out for today.”

Sugawara pouted.

“You guys are such bad friends.”

“Right back atcha.”

* * *

Sugawara cast yet another glance over his shoulder to where Daichi stood on the other side of the club room, pulling his track pants on over his shorts.

Torture.

It was pure torture.

All these questions were buzzing around his head like a swarm of angry wasps and he was going crazy.

Absolutely bonkers.

Daichi had avoided him all day. He left for school before him that morning and was quick to bolt from the classroom at every break. After Yoshida had taken one look at the hickey on his throat and rejected him in the library at lunch, Sugawara had prowled the halls for a short while, looking for the bastard that ruined the one sexy thing about his boring high school days, but wound up empty handed, whining to Tanaka and Asahi instead. Back in class for the second half of the day, Daichi hadn’t shot a single look his direction and the instant the final lesson ended, he was up and out of the room in a flash.

Practice was no different.

Sugawara had attempted to stand near him as they stretched, if for no other reason than pure stubbornness and annoyance over being shrugged off all day, but Daichi wasn’t having it. He wasn’t even subtle about the way he hurriedly shuffled to Asahi’s other side, and then to Tsukishima’s when Sugawara refused to let it go and gave chase. They made it almost the full way around the circle of their teammates before Ukai had barked at them to quit messing around and stretch properly.

Sugawara had faced Daichi so he could glare at him through the entire warm-up.

Daichi didn’t meet his eyes once.

He really meant business.

Sugawara didn’t think he had ever ignored him so successfully in their lives. Not even that time when they were kids and Sugawara had, in a jealous fit of rage, flung Daichi’s favorite toy into the river and then ran all the way home without him in order to sell his crocodile tears and fabricated story to their parents so that he wouldn’t be the one to get in trouble. Before all this nonsense about Sugawara being unrequitedly in love with him, it had been their biggest fight and Sugawara had received a blistering lecture from his parents when Daichi had finally shown up, soaked to the bone and refusing to explain why.

Even then, Daichi had only been able to give him the silent treatment for a few hours before Sugawara had finally coaxed him into communicating with him, silently, through the door of his balcony, writing his thoughts on a dry erase board and pressing it to the glass for Sugawara to read.

This though… this was a whole new level. Sugawara wasn’t even the one in the wrong this time (he wasn’t… was he?) and yet he was being punished, ignored, coldly shrugged off like he didn’t exist.

Considering other people still talked to and interacted with him, Sugawara was pretty sure he hadn’t died and become a ghost.

So then why was Daichi acting like he had?

Sugawara spared another peek over his shoulder. Daichi was crouched on the floor now, stuffing his volleyball shoes into his bag.

_Jerk._

_Confusing jerk._

_You can’t just give a guy a hickey and then ignore him._

_Player._

_Fuckboy._

It wasn’t fair.

Sugawara was so confused. It felt like his head was being held underwater, heavy and surrounded by weight that he couldn’t shake free, no matter how hard he tried.

_Stupid jerk._

“Sugawara-san that serve you did in practice today was like _fuwah!_ ”

Sugawara faced Hinata where he stood at his side, hands clenched into fists as he gazed up at him with twinkling eyes.

“How did you aim it so perfectly like that? I feel like I spend all my time just trying my hardest to get it over the net!”

Sugawara smiled. “You’re getting better though, I can see it.”

Hinata brightened, “ _Really?_ ”

“You’re still god awful, but yeah. You’re getting better.”

Hinata’s lips pouted, eyes going dull. “Oh. Thanks. I guess.”

Yamaguchi snorted into his hand beyond Hinata’s shoulder.

Sugawara giggled and patted Hinata’s head. “Keep it up. I’ll try to give you some pointers on how to aim on Monday, okay?”

His cheeks flushed and he smiled wide. “Yes!”

Sugawara smiled and turned back to his bag. He slipped his uniform into it and then straightened to pull on his coat.

“Hm… Sugawara-san, can I ask you a question?”

Sugawara glanced at Hinata again, who was still looking up at him, expression inquisitive.

“Go ahead,” he said, shaking out his scarf.

“What’s that mark on your neck?”

The scarf slipped through Sugawara’s fingers and pooled to the ground. A loud thump behind them drew their attention just in time to see Daichi practically _sprint_ for the door, struggling to get his coat on.

Sugawara hurriedly snatched the scarf from the floor and slung the strap of his bag across his chest.

“Go home and ask your mom!” he said to Hinata and chased after Daichi.

He was already at the stairwell by the time Sugawara burst out of the club room, almost clipping Narita with his shoulder.

“Sorry!” he said and bolted for the stairs.

Daichi jumped down to the ground and ran for the school gate, bag thumping against his hip.

“Bastard!” Sugawara shouted. “Get back here!”

But Daichi didn’t stop. He didn’t even slow as he passed through the gate and started down the hill into town.

Sugawara gritted his teeth and pumped his arms and legs faster. He was sore and exhausted from practice but he persevered.

… for another minute.

It was no use. It was too cold out and his muscles ached from the exercise.

Sugawara let out a whimper and slowed to a swift walk, panting heavily.

“Stupid bastard…” he wheezed and pressed a hand over his chest.

What was his _deal_?

Running away?

_Seriously?_

He was so weird.

So weird and confusing and…

Sugawara was gonna kill him.

How dare he? How could he just ignore and avoid him after giving him a _hickey for fuck’s sake?_

Who did that?

Seriously, who did that?

Sawamura Daichi was losing his goddamn mind and he was dragging Sugawara right along with him down the path of insanity.

Bastard.

Near the park, Sugawara caught his second wind and jogged the rest of the way home.

His parents greeted him when he made it inside and he waved off his mother’s offer of dinner on his way up the hallway.

“Koushi you have to eat!” Kumi called after him, tone disapproving.

“I will!” he said at the stairs. “Let me change and take a shower first!”

She clicked her tongue. “You’ll be warming it up in the microwave!”

“That’s fine!”

He took the stairs two at a time to the second floor and went immediately to his room. After casting aside his bag, he went to the sliding door and peered through at Daichi’s room. The light was on and Daichi was there, pacing with his hands in his hair. On one rotation of his course, his eyes met Sugawara’s and all the color drained from his face.

He looked hurriedly away and rushed to the door in order to pull the curtain shut.

Sugawara glared at the shrouded room for long seconds, nose scrunched.

Bastard.

Just what was his _deal?_

He couldn’t just… _do that_.

Sugawara huffed and stomped across his room to his full length mirror. He tugged the collar of his club jacket to the side and gazed at the hickey on his neck. It was darker today than it was the day before. It almost seemed to have spread, somehow, a dusting of color surrounding the original edges.

And while it turned him on a bit, seeing the mark and remembering that it was _Daichi’s_ mouth that had put it there… it mostly just confused him.

“Why?” he whispered. “Why, why, why?”

It was driving him insane.

He needed answers or else he was going to explode.

With a sigh, he dropped his arm to his side and let his eyes wander off across the room. He paused when his gaze fell on the rectangular white board leaning against the wall, half hidden behind his bookshelf.

Slowly, he approached and pulled it out. His fingers tapped the edges for a few moments as he chewed on his thoughts. It hadn't been used in years and a thin layer of dust collected on the plastic edges, which he swiped a thumb over. He set it aside and went to his desk to rifle through the drawers, looking for a dry erase marker. When he found a blue one near the bottom of the middle drawer, he uncapped it and scribbled on the board to be sure it still had ink, using a rolled up sock he snagged from the floor next to the hamper to wipe it away when it proved to be in working order.

New determination spurred him to the door to the balcony. He slipped out into the chilly night and tucked the white board under one arm as he climbed up onto the railing. After inhaling a deep breath, he hopped across the gap and landed softly on Daichi’s balcony. His feet barely made a sound as they connected with the wood flooring and just as silently, he sat in front of the door and set the board in his lap, marker clenched in one hand and sock on the floor next to him.

He lifted his fist and pounded on the glass, hard. He didn’t stop the relentless rapping until he saw the curtain flutter and part a sliver. Daichi’s face appeared and he peeked out, blinking in confusion for a second before lowering his gaze and finding Sugawara.

Sugawara tapped the white board with his marker.

A moment ticked by and then Daichi’s face disappeared, curtain fluttering shut once more. Sugawara frowned and waited, trying to rub some heat into his arms.

Just when he was about to start knocking again, the curtains were pulled open and Sugawara watched Daichi sit down on the other side of the glass, his own white board and marker in hand.

Sugawara uncapped his marker and wrote on his board.

_I’m gonna kick your ass, bastard._

He turned the board around for him to read.

The corner of Daichi’s lips twitched infinitesimally.

Sugawara wiped the ink away with the sock and wrote again.

_I’m a little annoyed._

He showed Daichi and then wiped it away.

_But mostly confused._

Daichi lowered his eyes at that one.

Sugawara wrote again.

_Please tell me why you won’t talk to me._

Daichi read the words and then reached up and scratched the back of his head, eyes locked on the board in his lap. Slowly, he uncapped his green marker and started writing.

Sugawara waited patiently until Daichi lifted the board and turned it towards him.

_I’m embarrassed._

Sugawara pursed his lips. That was obvious enough. Of course he was embarrassed. It wasn’t every day you freak the hell out and give your best friend a random hickey.

Daichi wiped the marker away with his jacket sleeve and scribbled on it.

_Saying nothing is easier than saying something stupid._

Sugawara wrote a message and showed it to him.

_Wrong. Saying stupid things is super easy when you’re as stupid as you._

A smile finally touched Daichi’s lips and he flipped Sugawara off.

Sugawara grinned. He wiped the ink away and put down his next question.

_Care to explain this?_

He turned the board towards him and then pointed at the hickey, eyebrow cocked.

Daichi’s cheeks filled with color and he looked away. For long seconds he stared off across his bedroom, one thumb steadily drumming against the board in his lap. His brows furrowed and finally he lifted his marker.

He didn’t look at Sugawara when he showed him the board.

_Can’t explain._

_Don’t understand myself._

Sugawara released a soft breath. Daichi lowered the white board to his lap again and fiddled with his marker, looking miserable.

He didn’t think he’d ever get used to seeing him this way. So unsure of himself, a little bit meek, and nowhere near the steadfast leader that whipped their little riff-raff of a volleyball club into the team that beat Shiratorizawa and was going to nationals in a few short weeks.

Though Sugawara also found comfort in the fact that he could see him this way. At school and during practice he put on his captain mask, commanding their kouhai like a military general, strict and strong and at times a little bit scary.

It made Sugawara feel special, that he could see Daichi like _this_ , timid and confused and miserable.

It felt like Sugawara was someone that Daichi really trusted, if he actually let him see him in such a weakened state, again and again.

Sugawara scooted closer to the glass and turned, leaning his shoulder against it and folding his legs underneath him. He held the board at an angle so that Daichi could watch as he wrote.

_Do you remember when we were eight…_

He waited a moment and then erased it.

_And you got that badass gundam action figure…_

Erase.

_And you took it everywhere you went…_

Sugawara glanced through the glass to be sure Daichi was reading.

He had shifted closer to the window too, board set to the side as he leaned forward on his palms.

_That summer we spent weeks trying to build the best fort…_

Sugawara couldn’t help but smile over the memory. Catching a wave of nostalgia for hot days spent gathering sticks and tying them together with yarn, hands sticky with sap and knees bloody from kneeling in the dirt and rocks for hours on end.

_After you got that gundam…_

Sugawara pushed the sock over the ink, wiping it away.

_You stopped wanting to go to the woods with me…_

He pursed his lips, memory going a little bit sour.

_You just wanted to play with that dumb toy all day…_

He glanced at Daichi again. He was still watching, expression unreadable.

Sugawara went on.

_I was so pissed…_

_And I thought that toy was stealing you away._

He gave Daichi a look and he finally met his eyes. Sugawara smiled crookedly and wrote more.

_It felt like I was being replaced…_

_So I got jealous…_

_And threw it in the river…_

He looked at him again, and Daichi was smiling now too. It made warmth spread through Sugawara’s chest, replacing some of the cold from the chilly night air.

_I don’t know why I did it…_

_It was such a bastard thing to do…_

_But I just snapped and did the first thing that popped into my head._

Sugawara hesitated.

_Do you think that this might be the same kind of thing?_

He turned to him.

Daichi stared at the words for a few seconds and then looked down at his own board. He uncapped his marker and wrote.

_Yeah._

_I’m definitely acting like an eight year old right now…_

Sugawara giggled.

Daichi erased it and wrote again, somewhat hesitantly.

_I’ve latched on to you as the thing that I don’t want to change._

Sugawara met his eyes. Daichi stared steadily back at him, holding the board in both hands. He gulped and lowered it to go on.

_And that’s really childish…_

_And stupid._

_You can’t stay the same…_

_And neither can I._

_Our relationship won’t stay the same._

His brows furrowed and his bottom lip worried between his teeth.

_That scares the shit out of me._

Sugawara scribbled out his reply.

_It could be fun though!_

_Evolution isn’t bad._

He gave him a gentle smile and added,

_The important things aren’t going to change._

_No matter who I’m making out with in the library._

He winked and Daichi smiled, though it looked a little uneasy.

Sugawara hesitated and erased the ink. He wrote his next words carefully.

_I love you._

_That’s never going to change._

_Promise._

Daichi stared at the words for long, long moments. Finally, he rubbed his eyes and set his board and marker to the side. He rolled to his knees and reached over to flip the latch on his door and slide it open.

Sugawara sat up and faced him, placing his board on the floor next to him.

Daichi hesitated, one hand still hanging off of the door’s handle. He met Sugawara’s eyes.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

Sugawara smiled. “You’re gonna have to be specific, Daichi. There’s so, _so_ much for you to be sorry for this time.”

Daichi rolled his eyes and removed his hand from the handle.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you and being a cowardly bastard. And…” He cleared his throat, cheeks turning pink. “Sorry for giving you a hickey. I… think you’re right. I was… throwing the gundam in the river.”

Sugawara sputtered and crawled towards him on his knees. “What kind of euphemism is that?”

“It’s not a—”

Sugawara wrapped his arms around Daichi’s neck and hugged him close, giving a satisfied hum at the feeling of his warmth against his frozen body. After a moment’s hesitation, Daichi’s arms circled his waist and he hugged him back, chin resting over Sugawara’s shoulder.

“I forgive you,” Sugawara said. He paused and then shrugged. “Besides, it _was_ pretty sexy. I can die now, knowing that I’ve gotten a hickey from the great and handsome Sawamura Daichi. We can ignore the weird reasoning behind it.”

Daichi huffed out a laugh. “What an achievement. I’m glad to have been of service, I guess.”

“Hmm… don’t get me wrong… you _will_ be punished for ending my library trysts with Yoshida…” He pulled back and tapped his chin. “I wonder what I should do to you…”

Daichi gave him a wary look. “Just keep it above the belt.”

Sugawara laughed, hands sliding to Daichi’s shoulders. “Ah, I guess I’ll let it slide. I’ll just find a new guy to make-out with! An even hotter one this time! Kamasaki-kun maybe… Hinata did become friends with that Koganegawa guy from Datekou... Maybe I can have him get me his number...”

Daichi’s eyes narrowed and his lips pursed into a firm scowl.

Sugawara casually bared his neck, the side without the hickey, and batted his eyelashes at him. “Oh _no_ … are you gonna do something to stop me? It would just be so _awful_ if you put another—”

Daichi pressed a hand to his face and gave him a small shove.

“Get the fuck outta here, Pervert.”

“Says the guy who _sexually assaulted me_ —”

Daichi wrestled him into a headlock and Sugawara shrieked with laughter, collapsing against him and kicking wildly at the air.

And everything was okay.

Again, everything was alright.

Again...

For now.

* * *

Daichi had never wanted the ability to travel back in time more than this moment.

He would go all the way back to before he was born. Push his dad away from the woman that would later give birth to him. He would nudge him towards someone else.

Someone that deserved him.

And then Daichi wouldn’t be born and in roughly eighteen years, he wouldn’t give his best friend a hickey and make everything so fucking _awkward_ between them.

Man he had to be an _advanced_ kind of stupid.

Sawamura Daichi… great, reliable captain of the volleyball team.

Absolute disaster of a human being.

Sure, they had reconciled... again.

Sugawara was so good at that. He had always been the one who knew just how to fix everything. But their talk the night before didn't erase the fact that Daichi had done _that_ to him. He had actually given him a hickey. It was still there, for everyone to see. For Daichi to see.

He kinda liked seeing it.

_No!_

_Stupid Daichi... you promised not to think about that!_

Not yet. Not until he had his head on straight again.

He swore he wouldn't think about it...

Except it was the only thing on his mind, wasn't it?

He let out a sigh, dragging his weak, pudding legs up the sidewalk in the direction of home. His morning jog had solved nothing. Instead of clearing his head, it had just given him time to stress even more over his current crisis. And now he was exhausted before noon, with zero plans for the rest of the day.

“Way to go, Sawamura,” he mumbled and rubbed his eyes.

He really was pathetic.

“No, you need to leave _now_.”

Daichi slowed at the sound of Sugawara’s terse voice. He turned the corner of their street and looked up the sidewalk to where Sugawara stood just outside the gate of Daichi's house, Buckwheat at his feet, hackles raised as they both faced…

Daichi’s mouth went dry and his stomach dropped like an anchor to his feet.

“Koushi, please get out of my way.”

_Mom?_

Sawamura… or _Matsumoto_ Maaya stood directly in front of Sugawara, wearing a long grey coat, straight black slacks, and shining leather boots with spiked heels. Her long black hair was drawn into a neat bun at the back of her head, her lips painted red.

She looked as strict and unforgiving as she always had and Daichi suddenly felt sick. 

He ducked back around the corner, pressing one hand over his chest when it gave a painful wrench.

_What is she doing here?_

Really, what _was_ she doing there? She wasn't supposed to be there. She left. She left and said she was never coming back.

She _left_.

“You can’t be here,” Sugawara’s voice floated down the street and Daichi sucked in a shaking breath and peeked around the corner once more, begging the bile in the back of his throat to stay down.

“I don’t need your permission to enter _my_ house,” she said, and Daichi could hear her annoyance. He could see it too, in the lift of her pointed chin, the clench of her strong jaw.

“It’s not your house,” Sugawara argued. “You don’t live here anymore.”

“Get out of my way.”

“No.”

“My husband—”

“ _Ex_ ,” Sugawara spat, the word laced with venom.

Maaya looked shocked for a split second before recovering.

“You can’t keep me out,” she told him calmly. “I’m here to see Daichi so—”

“He doesn’t want to see you!” Sugawara’s voice rose and turned rough. “Just leave! Neither of them want to see you!”

“That’s none of your busine—”

“They're more my business than they are yours!”

“How dare you speak to me like this—”

“ _Leave!_ You’ve lost your right to come back here!”

“You don’t even know—”

“I’m not letting you past me so you might as well just _fuck off_!” Sugawara was growing angrier and angrier by the second, his hands trembling at his sides, face flushed.

Daichi chewed on the inside of his cheek. He wanted to help. He wanted to stand at Sugawara's side, defend him and his home and tell her to leave.

To never come back.

Like she promised she wouldn't.

Maaya released a soft gasp. “ _How dare you speak to me like that?”_ She patted her head, long red nails stark against her black hair. “I’m done playing around with you. Get out of my way before I—” She reached towards him.

“ _Bucky_ ,” Sugawara snapped and the Retriever released a bark, followed by rumbling growls, teeth bared.

Maaya yanked her hand back and moved a step away.

“Listen to me, Koushi,” she said, voice low. “You need to go home right now before I call the police on you and your dog.”

Daichi gulped, hands squeezing into fists.

“No,” Sugawara stood his ground. “ _You_ need to leave and never come back. Daichi doesn’t want to see you and neither does Sawamura-san. If they did, they'd actually answer your _neverending_ phone calls. Take a _fucking hint_ , lady! They don't want anything to do with you!”

Maaya straightened to her full height, eyes flashing. “You cannot _speak_ to me that way. Impertinent _child_. I am an adult and you—”

Sugawara cupped his mouth in his hands and shouted,

“ _FUCK. OFF._ ”

Maaya sucked in a sharp breath and lifted a hand, swinging it back.

Daichi’s eyes widened and he lunged out from around the corner, but Sugawara’s brother was quicker.

Souta, appearing seemingly out of nowhere, caught Maaya’s wrist before she could strike Sugawara across the face. His expression was calm as he jerked her arm back and put himself between her and Sugawara. Buckwheat, still growling, maneuvered himself between Sugawara’s legs protectively.

Maaya ripped her wrist out of Souta’s grasp and he shoved his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, cigarette smoke drifting from his nostrils, tube balanced between his lips.

Daichi hid around the corner again, more than a little grateful to let Souta take the reins on this one.

“S’that your car?” Souta said, voice low, and nodded at the sleek black car parked against the curb.

Maaya rubbed her wrist, regarding him with a snide expression. “Yes.”

Souta hummed, staring at the car. After a long moment, he moved around Maaya and walked casually up to the side of the vehicle.

“What are you doing?” Maaya asked.

Souta dragged his index finger along the doors to the back end. He poked at the cover of the gas tank and it popped open.

Maaya turned towards him. “I _said,_ what the hell are you—”

Souta unscrewed the cap and then took a long drag off his cigarette before pulling it out from between his lips and lowering it towards the gas tank, burning ember bright and angry.

“ _STOP!_ ” Maaya took a large step towards him. “ _You maniac!_ ”

Souta paused and glanced at her, notched eyebrow lifting, smoke floating out from the corners of his mouth.

“So you _don’t_ want me to set your car on fire?”

“ _Of course I don’t! What the hell is wrong with you?_ ”

“I must’ve been confused then.” He lifted the cigarette towards his lips. “People don’t usually raise a hand against my brother unless they want something terrible to happen to them or their property.”

“You’re _psychotic_ ,” Maaya snapped. “Get the fuck away from my car.”

“Maybe I will. If you get the fuck away from my brother, leave, and never show your fucking face here ever again.”

When she didn’t respond immediately, Souta lowered the cigarette towards the gas tank again.

“ _Stop!_ ” Maaya rushed over to the vehicle. “Alright, fine. I’ll _leave_. You damn lunatic.”

“If you insist.” Souta started screwing the gas cap back on.

“Just leave it. I’ll do it—”

Souta held a hand up, silencing her. He continued to replace the cap and then closed the cover. He settled the cigarette between his lips, thrust his hands into his pockets, and then moved back to Sugawara’s side.

Maaya cursed and climbed into the vehicle. Souta and Sugawara watched quietly as she started it up, threw it into drive, and pulled away from the curb.

Daichi released a breath of relief, leaning his forehead against the stone wall behind which he hid for long seconds.

"What if you had accidentally dropped it in?" he heard Sugawara mumble.

"Eh, don't worry. Cigarettes can't actually start gasoline fires. Myth."

Sugawara snorted.

“Wanna get some lunch?” Souta asked.

Daichi peeked around the corner again.

Sugawara patted Buckwheat’s head and took a step back to lean against the gate. “Nah… I’ll hang out a little longer. In case she tries to come back.”

“’Kay.” Souta swiped a hand over Sugawara’s hair and leaned over to kiss his forehead. “Yell if you need me.” He turned and walked to the gate of the Sugawara home.

When he was gone, Sugawara reached up with trembling hands and rubbed his face. Buckwheat whined at his feet. He sat and peered up at him, tail giving a weak thump against the sidewalk. Sugawara let out a sigh and lowered his hands to pat Buckwheat’s head.

“You did a good job,” he mumbled. “Good boy.”

Daichi couldn’t decide if he felt relieved or sick. He was thankful for Sugawara’s and Souta’s interference. He was grateful that they had chased his mom off before she could spot him or Rikichi.

But just seeing her again…

Daichi inhaled deeply and rounded the corner. He walked slowly in Sugawara’s direction, eyes lowered to the sidewalk.

“Oh,” Sugawara said, a small hint of surprise in his tone.

Daichi paused at his side, watching Buckwheat’s tail wag. He held his fingers out towards him and he licked them happily.

“Uhm,” Sugawara started. “Where… where have you been? When did you—”

Daichi slumped against him, hiding his face against his shoulder. Sugawara hesitated, but then both of his arms wrapped around and held him close.

“Thank you,” Daichi murmured, sliding his arms around his neck.

Sugawara’s arms tightened.

“Sorry,” he said. “I was hoping I could get rid of her before you saw…”

Daichi squeezed his eyes shut when they stung with moisture.

“Thank you,” he said again, softer this time.

They stood there for a long minute. At first, Daichi thought maybe the pain of seeing his mother again after the past couple months was what was burning in his chest, making his lungs ache with every breath. But then Sugawara's cheek rested against his head and his soft breath warmed his ear, and the ache grew. It grew and grew until Daichi wanted to cry.

He was always there. Sugawara was always there and the thought that someday he would go away and leave Daichi alone was so painful, he just wanted to cry. His arms felt _right_ wrapped around him. His body felt warm and he was safe there. He was accepted there. No matter what. Even though Daichi had been an idiot and had done nothing but hurt him again and again and again, he was always there, accepting him back with forgiveness.

_I love you._

_That will never change._

_Promise._

Those words had been such a relief to read. Sugawara was the one thing he could count on to never change. Even though he loved him in a way that Daichi had never fathomed two months ago... Even though he was showing him sides of himself that Daichi had never known existed... Sugawara loved him and he always would.

The important stuff would never change.

Daichi on the other hand... Daichi _needed_ to change. He already was. Things were different and he was growing and evolving in ways he never thought he would and now here he was, absorbing heat from his best friend and wishing the touch would never end.

And he's never felt that way before.

It was confusing and scary but it was also warm and comforting and Daichi wanted to feel this way forever.

Could he feel this way forever?

Was he allowed to change his mind, be a hypocrite, and pursue something he used to swear he didn't want?

Could he do that?

The sound of a vehicle pulling up to the curb behind him drew him from his breathless thoughts and slammed him back into the moment. He tensed, but neither Sugawara nor Buckwheat reacted, signaling that it was a friend, not foe.

“What’s going on?” Rikichi’s voice called out, followed by the shutting of his car door.

Daichi’s heart swelled with emotion and he bit down on his bottom lip, a little mortified at the realization of just how much he needed his dad at the moment. He slowly pulled away from Sugawara and turned to face Rikichi, sinking against his chest without a moment’s hesitation.

Rikichi’s strong arms circled him, one large hand petting the back of his head.

“Everything okay, Dai?” he asked, voice gentle.

Daichi sniffled and pressed his face harder against him.

Rikichi took the hint. In one swift motion, he swept Daichi up into his arms.

And it was definitely more than a little humiliating how easily he picked him up, as if he was still that little kid demanding he tote him around everywhere they went, loving the sensation of being lifted high in the air, sitting on his shoulders and on top of the world.

It was humiliating that Daichi, at almost eighteen years old, was still fragile enough that his dad could carry him in his arms like a bride, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. He wrapped his arms around Rikichi’s neck and hugged him tight as he was carried up the path to their home and through the door. Daichi kicked his shoes off at the entrance, sniffling again when Rikichi chuckled.

Rikichi carried him up the hallway to the living room and then sat on the couch, settling Daichi in his lap.

“Awwww.” Rikichi hugged Daichi close, nuzzling his face with his rough chin and jaw hairs. “I’m so happy,” he cooed. “My baby boy stills needs me. He’s still small enough to be carried around. So happy.”

“ _Hnnnn Dad shut up._ ”

Rikichi laughed and continued to rub his beard against his face. “I thought the days when I could hold you like this were long over. But look at us. Ahhh it brings back such sweet memories.”

“ _Daaaad._ ”

“Back when you called me Daddy and would make me rock you to sleep every night—”

“Stop!”

“Back when you were so small and dependent and clumsy and I had to kiss all your booboos and I could make you laugh so easy just by giving your tum tum raspberries…”

Rikichi released him and grabbed the hem of his hoodie, shoving it up over his stomach.

“Noooo!” Daichi writhed. But it was no use. He may be nearly eighteen years old, practically a man, but he was still no match for his father’s size and strength.

Rikichi blew a loud raspberry on Daichi’s stomach and he screamed and laughed, kicking his legs and pulling on Rikichi’s unruly hair.

“ _Stoooooop_!” he wailed, tears coming to his eyes as Rikichi inhaled deep and blew again. “Dad stop!”

Rikichi laughed and leaned back against the couch.

“God, so annoying,” Daichi pushed his hands against his face and scampered off of his lap.

Rikichi smiled and gently stroked Daichi’s hair. Daichi stared back at him, stomach tightening with anxiety.

Should he tell him?

That his ex-wife had shown up, wanted to talk to him?

He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to see how Rikichi would react. He didn’t want him to know that she had been there. Rikichi had told Daichi that he wouldn’t take her back if she asked, but still…

“Hey Daichi…” Rikichi broke the silence after a slow minute. “There’s something… that I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

Daichi’s mouth went dry.

Did he already know?

What if... what if she had already gotten to him? Already convinced him to...

“What… what is it?” he asked, voice trembling.

Rikichi looked away, hand slowing its course over his hair. When he met his gaze again, he cupped the back of his head and turned his body towards him.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You know that?”

Daichi blinked, too nervous to respond.

“You are,” Rikichi said. “And… one of these days… _really soon_ … you’re gonna need to leave.”

Daichi held his breath, eyes stinging with moisture.

Rikichi went on, voice gruff, “I don’t want you to think that you can’t because you need to stay and take care of me.”

“But…”

“I’ll be fine.”

“But Dad—”

“You go,” Rikichi’s voice hardened. “You’re a good kid. You’re smart and you’re meant to go out there and live a great life, doing whatever you want to do, with no old man holding you back.”

“You’re not—”

Rikichi’s hand tightened at the back of his head and Daichi shut up, brows trembling.

“I’m gonna be alright,” he said, voice turning whisper soft. “It doesn’t matter where you are, or what you’re doing. I’m always gonna be your dad. Always gonna be cheering you on, so, _so_ proud of you and everything you do. I’m always and forever gonna be able to pick you up and cuddle you like you’re still my baby boy. No matter _how_ big you get.”

Daichi let out a weak laugh, tears sliding down his cheeks.

"It would kill me," Rikichi said, voice soft. "To know you stayed because of me. Because I'm pathetic and need someone to take care of me. I don't. So you gotta go, Dai. You gotta go and chase your life with everything you got, understand?"

Daichi lowered his eyes, unable to form a reply.

Rikichi scooted closer to him and cupped his face in his hands, thumbing the tears away.

“Since the day you were born, the only thing that has ever mattered to me is that you’re happy and healthy and living the best life I could ever give you. Be what you want to be. Do what you want to do. It doesn't matter if that means you gotta fly over the ocean, far away from your lame old dad. I want you to do whatever you have to do to be the person I know is here." Rikichi tapped Daichi's chest with his index finger. "You don’t have to take care of me, okay? At least not until I’m _really_ old and need someone to give me bubble baths and cut my food into really tiny pieces.”

Daichi laughed again. “Forget that. I’m putting you in a home, old man.”

Rikichi released a gasp. “I can’t believe my only son, my _baby boy_ is abandoning his Daddy so coldly!”

"You asked for it!"

"So cold!" Rikichi smiled and wiped away a fresh tear as it slipped down Daichi's cheek. "So? Promise me that you'll never let me hold you back."

Daichi sniffled. "I promise."

"You'll go to university? No matter how far away the school of your dreams is?"

"Yeah..."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Rikichi let out a breath of relief and kissed his forehead. "That's my boy. Baby boy. I love you."

Daichi sank against his chest, arms wrapping around his middle. "I love you," he mumbled into his shoulder, wiping his tears against his sweater.

They sat like that for long minutes, comfortable and quiet. When Daichi finally mustered up enough courage, he murmured,

“Hey Dad?”

“Yeah?”

Daichi hesitated, fingers squeezing Rikichi’s clothes.

Should he tell him?

He…

_Could_ he tell him?

It was eating him up, and he needed… _needed_ to talk to him but…

He swallowed his fear.

“Suga… Suga confessed to me.”

Rikichi didn’t respond at first, the hand that had been previously rubbing circles on his back growing still.

“Like… romantically?” he clarified.

“… yeah. Like romantically.”

“Oh… I see… And… what did you say?”

Daichi chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I turned him down.”

“Hmm…” Rikichi rubbed his back again.

“But I…” Daichi gulped, squeezing his eyes shut. “I don’t know… lately I think maybe… maybe I was wrong.”

“You think you return his feelings?”

Daichi pressed his face harder against Rikichi’s shoulder, voice muffled as he groaned.

“I don’t know! It’s so… I’m so confused, Dad. I never _ever_ thought that way about him before. But now… everything is different and I feel _different_. I get so _angry_ when he hangs out with these other guys. I’m constantly thinking about it. Every day. It’s always on my mind and even though I should only be thinking about nationals, _I can’t concentrate on anything else_.”

Rikichi chuckled. “Ahh you’re so cute.”

“ _Dad!_ ”

“Sorry, sorry.” He pulled back and held Daichi’s shoulders, peering into his stressed and miserable face. “What feels best to you?” he asked. “Thinking about being with him… or thinking about being apart from him?”

“Of course being with him,” Daichi grumbled. “But he’s my best friend. That doesn’t mean that I _like_ him…”

“Then you’re not thinking about it the right way. I mean being _with him_. Like a couple. Doing couple things.”

Daichi sighed. “It’s not that simple, Dad.”

“Oh ho, _that_ sounds familiar.”

Daichi glared at him.

Rikichi smiled. “Just humor me,” he said. “How do you feel when you think about the two of you being in a romantic relationship?”

Daichi lowered his eyes.

“Honestly?”

“Of course.”

“ _Terrified_.”

Rikichi was silent, clearly not expecting that answer.

“I feel like I’d always be waiting,” Daichi went on, voice lowering to a mumble.

“Waiting? For what?”

He hesitated. “For him to _leave_.”

Rikichi sucked in a sharp breath and suddenly gripped Daichi’s face in both hands, turning it up. He stared at him with wide eyes, brows furrowed.

“Oh, no, no, no, _no_ , Daichi…” His eyes turned glossy. “No, no, no… don’t _ever_ let your fear stop you from falling in love. You don’t have to worry about that at all.”

“But…” Daichi’s chin trembled. “But _Mom_ left—”

“Koushi-kun is _nothing_ like Maaya. Listen to me.” His grip on Daichi's face tightened, forcing him to hold his gaze. “Your mother and I were never right for each other. I let my feelings for her blind me. I ignored all the red flags and forced myself to believe that we were happy, that _I_ was happy. But Maaya… c’mon we’re both adults here." He released a short sigh. "Maaya is a cunt.”

A shocked laugh burst from Daichi’s mouth and Rikichi grinned.

“She _is_ ,” Daichi said, new tears forming in his eyes, though different from the last ones. “Oh my god, I’m so glad you said it. She _totally is_.”

Rikichi laughed and finally released him.

He let out another sigh and ran his hand through his hair. “I was a damn fool, Daichi. I let Maaya push me around and thought she was actually doing what was right by me. I ignored the way she was because I was so stupidly blinded by love. But what happened to me will _never_ happen to you. Because you’re smart. Much smarter than me.” He smiled. “And Koushi-kun is a good kid. He’s been with you forever, hasn’t he? Even when you’ve been an absolute pain in the ass…”

“Hey.”

“He’s stuck by your side. And that’s never going to change.” Rikichi reached over and took Daichi’s hand in his. “So if you think there’s a chance you would be happy with him, don’t be afraid. You’re my baby boy, after all. My perfect, wonderful, strong baby boy and Koushi-kun is _way_ too smart to ever leave you.”

Daichi chuckled. “Sorry to break it to you, Dad, but I’m _really_ not as great as you thi—”

“I won’t have you blaspheming in my house, Daichi. So you better shut your mouth right now.”

He laughed.

“So I’ll ask you again,” Rikichi said, voice softening and lips curling in a gentle smile. “How do you feel? When you imagine you and Koushi-kun together?”

Daichi gulped and pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes.

“Happy,” he said, a slight quiver to his rough voice. His chest felt full, warm from the inside out and _god_ why did it take him so long to realize it? “Really, really _happy_.”

He felt Rikichi’s hand on his hair, heard him chuckle.

“Well there you go.”

Daichi groaned and lowered his hands, suddenly exhausted.

“Well there I go,” he murmured.

They sat in comfortable silence for a few seconds before Rikichi hummed.

“So… my son might be _gay_ …”

Daichi glanced at him. “Is that okay?”

“Of course it is." Rikichi nudged him with his elbow. "As if anything about you could ever be _not_ okay. And Koushi," he shrugged. "I'm honestly not surprised. If it was going to be somebody, of course it would be him."

Daichi groaned. “God, Dad, he has the _biggest_ crush on you.”

Rikichi’s eyes widened. “Huh? No way. You’re lying.”

“I’m not lying.”

Rikichi was silent for a moment before rubbing his chin. “You know… that makes a lot of sense, actually.”

“Please wear shirts around him from now on.”

Rikichi laughed and slapped him on the back. “So _that’s_ why he wanted to know if you would look like me when you get older!”

Daichi sighed and rubbed his eyes.

“Hmm, so Koushi-kun thinks I’m good looking huh? Gotta say, that’s a definite boost to my self-confidence.”

“Oh god. Don’t encourage him, please.”

“You gotta let me have this, Daichi,” Rikichi said. “I’m old and tired. Ya gotta let me be happy over a young person thinking I’m hot.”

“I don’t gotta,” he argued. “And I won’t.”

“Oh don’t be jealous. You know you’re his number one.”

Daichi’s face flamed. “I’m not jealous!”

Rikichi shrugged, lips pouting, and stood. “Whatever you say, Dai. It’s okay. I won’t tell him you’re jealous about how hot your old man is.” He struck a pose, flexing his thick arms, and _damn_ fuck him for actually having the body to back up his sudden burst of arrogance.

Daichi glared up at him.

“I’m serious Dad. If you encourage him, he might actually make a move on you. The bastard is _that_ audacious.”

Rikichi flapped a hand and rounded the couch. “You’ll protect me.”

“I shouldn’t have to!” Daichi called after him as he left the room. “Don’t flirt with him!”

“I’m not going to _flirt_ with him,” Rikichi poked his head back into the room and gave him an incredulous look. “Jesus, Daichi. He’s a _kid_. I’m not a _creep_.” He paused and then shrugged. “I’m just not going to discourage him from telling me how hot I am as a way to boost my own battered self-esteem.”

“Don’t do—”

“My wife _left_ me, Daichi. Haven’t I suffered enough blows to my confidence already? You want to take _this_ from me too? What’s next? The house? You wanna take the house too?”

Daichi rubbed his eyes. “God damn it…”

Rikichi flashed a grin before disappearing once more.

And Daichi couldn’t help but smile too. He was finally making jokes again. Not just jokes, but jokes about Maaya… about the divorce.

He was healing.

Moving on.

And Daichi was so relieved he could almost cry, again.

On top of that… he had told him to go to university.

He had seen straight through him.

_Again._

It was a relief, even if he still didn’t like the thought of leaving his father on his own. Still. He could go without guilt. He didn’t have any idea what he would do once he was there, but he had time to figure it out.

Daichi pulled his phone from his pocket and opened his and Sugawara’s chat.

**_Dai-nasty:_ ** _alright_

**_Dai-nasty:_ ** _so what uni we goin to?_

**_Soup-ga:_ ** _!!!!!!!!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the white board scene last minute because I originally kinda let the hickey thing drop? lmao when I was reading over how I wrote this chapter at first I was like "wow so no closure on that one, huh"  
> SO WE GET CUTE WHITE BOARD CONVOS INSTEAD <3
> 
> And of course another cute Rikichi scene because I love him more than life, be my daddy too, pls.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this chapter, thanks for reading and commenting! I don't deserve you! I think this is the chapter I'll force myself to answer all your comments. *insert determined face*
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=FumHXiDcSSCUCPA4TTsoNg)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> Prove it


	12. Figure it out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another confession
> 
> There's a tiny bit of underage drinking in this chapter! Nothing extreme though <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moods:  
> [Twenty One](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhuVnrJqVHs)  
> "Take another fall for a pretty boy  
> He puts a spell on me, puts a spell on me  
> Fucks me all up, puts a hex on me"
> 
> [Finally Fallen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDVrRPw5kjI)  
> "I think I might have finally fallen  
> I don’t even know what we started  
> I feel it and I know I want it  
> I think I might have finally fallen"

“Why are you in a good mood all of a sudden?” Souta fell onto the couch next to Sugawara, gripping the neck of a bottle of shochu.

“Daichi’s dad talked him into going to university again,” Sugawara answered happily, locking the screen of his phone and setting it on the couch’s arm rest. “So we just made plans to research some candidates once we get back from nationals.”

“He wasn’t going to go to university?”

“He _was_ , but then he changed his mind because he said he didn’t want Sawamura-san to be all alone without him, you know? But I uh... accidentally told Sawamura-san.”

" _Accidentally_."

"Shut up, it _was_ an accident."

Souta hummed and twisted off the lid to the shochu. “And you've decided to go to the same university?”

“That’s the plan.” Sugawara grabbed a box of pocky off of the coffee table and leaned back. “Since neither of us have any idea what we even want to do with our lives, we don’t have any particular school we feel the need to go to. So it should be easy to find something that suits both of us.”

“And you’ll live together?”

“Well… that was the old plan. I’m not sure if that’s still what Daichi wants to do though…” Sugawara munched dejectedly on a Pocky stick. “Since you know… he knows I’m gay for him. Might be awkward.”

“Don’t live with him,” Souta suggested. “That way I won’t have to come visit every weekend to replant the fear of god in him.”

Sugawara snorted. “Like you’d need to do that. It’s _Daichi_. There’s no way he would ever do anything inappropriate to me. _Unfortunately_.”

“You have too much faith in him,” Souta said. He took a long gulp from the alcohol and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “He’s a guy. Give him the opportunity to take advantage of you and he’s _gonna_ take advantage of you.”

Sugawara rolled his eyes. “God I _wish_. I would _love_ for him to take advantage of me. He can take advantage of me _all. Night. Long_.” Sugawara slapped the air in front of him, lazily bouncing his hips in time.

“I’ll murder him.”

“Luckily you won’t have to.” Sugawara sighed, slumping back against the couch. "Stupid Daichi is all _respectful_ and has _self-control_. Oh and let's not forget the biggest fuck you of them all... he's not attracted to me. The only thing he's attracted to is _Nationals_ and _food_ _._ Hey, there's an idea. Maybe Daichi will want to take advantage of me if I cover myself in food. Sweet and sour sauce on my nipples. That'll get him. Bonus points if we're at nationals."

Souta held the shochu out towards him.

Sugawara eyed the bottle quietly.

“What?”

“Wanna get drunk?” Souta asked, voice deadpan.

“I’m underage.”

“And I’m a bad influence. What’s your point?”

Sugawara took the bottle from him. “Alright, you’ve convinced me. Just can’t argue with that logic.” He took a swig of the alcohol and made a face, sneering at it as he passed it back over. “Ew. Aren’t we supposed to mix that with something?”

“Too lazy,” Souta gulped from it. “Get drunk faster if you just drink it straight.”

“Only thing straight about me, is how I drink my shochu,” Sugawara said, fingergunning.

“Hopefully I get drunk enough tonight to forget you ever said that.”

“Don’t be rude.”

"Don't be horny."

"Impossible."

"Then shut up."

"Rude."

* * *

Daichi was just fading into the realm of sleep when he heard the _thump_ outside his room. He screwed his eyelids shut tighter and tried to ignore the sound, but following it came the telltale _whoooosh_ of his balcony door sliding open, signaling that this was a disturbance he wouldn't be able to ignore after all.

For a moment, Daichi didn’t open his eyes.

Maybe it was just a murderer.

There was a giggling hiccup, then the sound of the door sliding shut once more. It locked into place a little too loudly and a soft voice muttered, _"Oopsie_ _doopsies_..."

Daichi sighed.

He kinda wished it was just a murderer.

“Suga I’m trying to sleep,” he said, voice rough.

“Without _me_?” Sugawara said in a low, mocking tone and then snickered.

Daichi’s brows furrowed and he finally opened his eyes, staring momentarily at the dark ceiling above his bed.

Something about Sugawara’s voice sounded… different.

There was a thump, followed by a stream of curses, and Daichi lifted his head from his pillow, blinking against the dark to search the room. Sugawara had somehow made it over to his dresser and had knocked over the garbage can, sending trash scattering across the floor.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Daichi asked, sitting up on his elbows.

Sugawara giggled and turned towards him, staggering on clumsy feet.

“Whoooooopsies,” he said and tossed his hands in the air in an exaggerated shrug.

Daichi narrowed his eyes. “What’s wrong with you?”

Sugawara stumbled towards him. “ _Daaaiiiichiiii_ …” He reached the bed and instantly crawled into it, yanking Daichi’s blanket up and over him. “Sleep with _meeeeeeee_.”

Daichi’s eyes widened. “What are you—”

Sugawara placed a hand against his shoulder and shoved him down on the mattress before climbing on top and straddling his hips. He leaned over him, pressing their chests together, and slid his arms around his neck. Daichi could smell the sticky, bitter scent of alcohol on his breath, mingled with chocolate and strawberry.

“You can put your hands on me,” he mumbled, resting his face against Daichi’s neck. “You can have your way with me. I won’t mind.”

Daichi’s heart slammed against his ribcage and he stared up at the ceiling, stricken.

“Are you _drunk_?” he asked, knotting his hands in the bedding at his sides.

“Souta’s such… bad ‘fluence. I learned... I learned that shochu is yucky. Yuck. Bleh. Daichi, put your hands on meeee.” His hips rubbed against him and Daichi sucked in a sharp breath.

_Ohhhhh no no no no no no no no nooooooooo._

That was _not_ good.

Totally, definitely, _not_ _good_.

“Suga, don’t—”

Sugawara rubbed again, fingers trailing down the nape of his neck and then across his shoulders. He slowly touched his way over his chest and it was doing the _worst_ possible thing to Daichi’s head (and body).

“Daichi…” Sugawara’s voice lowered to a soft murmur. “You can take advantage of me…”

Daichi blinked and bit down hard on his bottom lip, mouth gone completely dry.

“I won’t mind,” he said, lips brushing the side of his neck. “I _want_ you to take advantage of me…”

_Fuck…_

Now was _not_ the time to have a drunk Sugawara Koushi lying on top of him, asking him to touch him.

_Not now._

_Not after I’ve accepted that I might want to do everything you’re asking me to do._

Daichi inhaled deeply and finally released the sheets. He reached up and placed his hands on Sugawara’s waist, fighting the urge to give in and slip his fingers under his clothes and touch him everywhere. Before the urge could win, Daichi quickly maneuvered Sugawara off of him, lying him on his side next to him on the bed.

Sugawara grunted, knotting his fingers in the front of Daichi’s shirt.

“Daichi touch—”

"Shh," Daichi said and slid one arm under Sugawara’s neck, draping the other over his waist. "Go to sleep.

Sugawara groaned and scooted closer to him, fingers tightening. “But—”

“You told me to sleep with you, right? Then let’s sleep.”

Sugawara was silent for a moment and Daichi took the opportunity to attempt to still the raging of his heart.

_Close._

_So close._

The warmth of Sugawara’s body was driving him crazy. His legs were moving impatiently, his thighs brushing and rubbing against his, entirely too close to the danger zone.

It was _agonizing_.

“Souta was wrong,” Sugawara muttered against Daichi’s throat. “Stupid honorable Daichi. Won’t take advantage of me even though I asked nicely.”

“You didn’t ask nicely,” Daichi countered with a yawn.

“Daichi? Will you pretty please with a cherry on top take advanta—”

“No.”

Sugawara grumbled and snuggled closer to him. “Stupid honorable Daichi.”

“I could always take you back home for Souta to deal with instead?”

“Noooo…” Sugawara shoved his face against his throat. “I’ll be good. Lemme stay.”

“Then behave.”

Sugawara sighed. “Stupid dumb Daichi.”

“Suga—”

“I love you. Stupid dumb idiot Daichi. I love you. Bastard.”

Daichi’s chest tightened.

He knew that.

He already knew that.

But hearing it again… it made him feel… _different_.

Breathless.

Feverish.

“Just go to sleep,” he whispered, rubbing a slow circle against the small of his back.

“Mmkay.” Sugawara yawned. “G’night. I love you.”

Daichi squeezed his eyes shut.

“Good night.”

_I think I love you too._

* * *

Good god, _now what_?

Daichi stared down at Sugawara where he was lying on his side in Daichi’s bed, one arm folded under his head. He was drooling like a leaky faucet, mouth open against a damp spot on Daichi’s pillowcase. His hair was a mess, standing every direction in every dimension, and his snores could _definitely_ be heard all up and down the block.

Daichi sat cross-legged on the mattress at Sugawara’s side, watching him sleep.

“ _Ssnnnnnrk_ ,” he snored and rolled onto his back, drool trailing across his cheek.

Daichi held his breath, heart racing.

_Ooohhhh my god I think I’m in love with him._

One of Sugawara’s hands lifted and then fell down against his face. He winced at the blow and groaned, using his other hand to push the offending hand away.

Daichi's eyes stung.

_Scratch that._

_I’m definitely in love with him._

Because despite Sugawara looking a mess, gross and slimy and so embarrassingly pitiful, Daichi was filled with nothing but affection at the sight of him.

_Shit._

He was stupidly in love with him. No one in his right mind could look at the puddle of slimy drool pooling out of his mouth and still have to fight the urge to lean over and kiss his lips.

There was something wrong with him.

Why was his heart pounding so fast?

Why did everything feel so… _different_?

He felt light, almost _giddy_.

Surely Daichi wasn’t solame that just the realization of his feelings was enough to make everything rose colored, to make that heavy dread weighing down on his shoulders _disappear_.

“I’m not that lame,” he whispered. “Am I?”

Then again, he _had_ made himself sick over the worry of his best friend confessing to him several weeks ago.

Maybe he really was that lame.

But now that he accepted that maybe (definitely) he was in love with Sugawara… what did he do?

He had already tried kissing him, and that had not blown over well. Even though it was real this time, and Daichi liked him, wanted to be with him… Sugawara wouldn’t believe him so easily.

Not after all the shit he had pulled already.

He would probably need to convince him.

Daichi pursed his lips and let his gaze wander across the room. In the corner of his eye, he spotted a volleyball resting underneath the low table in the center of his room.

Whatever he decided to do… it should probably wait.

At least until after nationals.

It was less than a month away. He could wait that long to convince Sugawara that he returned his feelings.

They couldn’t afford to be distracted now.

The sound of his balcony door sliding open drew his attention over his shoulder.

Souta stumbled into the room, complexion pallid, eyes rimmed with dark circles. He spotted Daichi and Sugawara and his eyebrows lowered.

“Did you touch him?” he growled.

“Would you touch this?” Daichi asked.

Souta staggered over to the bed and stared down at Sugawara, who smacked his lips, a soft burp sounding from the back of his throat.

_God I love him._

“He’s the cutest,” Souta mumbled and crawled into the bed, pushing Daichi out of the way. He slid under the blanket and dragged Sugawara against him. He went with no resistance, flopping half on top of his big brother with a snore and a fart.

_I love him so much..._

Daichi hummed and scooted closer to the edge of the bed, watching Souta yawn and rub his eyes.

“So you guys had a bit of a party last night, huh?” Daichi asked.

Souta grunted. “Fucker drank me under the table.” He sighed and glared up at him. “You’ve got three hours to sober us up before Mom and Dad come home.”

“And why the fuck is that _my_ job?”

“You’re the captain, aren’t you?” Souta’s eyes narrowed. “You gonna let your vice get in trouble and miss Nationals?”

Daichi blinked. “Your parents wouldn’t—”

“Normally, maybe not. But when they see that it was Dad’s _expensive_ shochu we drank…”

Daichi’s eyelid twitched.

Souta yawned again and closed his eyes.

“G’luck, Cap’n,” he mumbled and fell immediately to sleep.

Daichi sighed and climbed out of the bed.

He supposed it was a little comforting.

Whether he was in love with him or not, some things never really changed.

Daichi would probably always have to clean up Sugawara Koushi’s messes for him.

Somehow... the thought warmed him to his core.

_I love him._

* * *

“Ew, I hate this brand of choco milk.” Sugawara made a face and set his milk carton down on the table. “I’ll be back.” He stood and headed across the cafeteria, pulling his wallet from his back pocket.

Daichi turned to Nakatani and blurted out, “Alright I’m gonna tell you this because if I don’t tell someone I’m going to explode and I don’t trust Asahi or Tanaka to keep it a secret.”

Nakatani rotated in his seat and faced him, opening his arms. “At last, you’ve seen my true value as a best friend.”

“Don’t ruin it.”

“Okay just a friend, but that’s as low as I go.”

“I’m in love with Suga.”

“Yeah I know, so what do you want to tell me?”

Daichi glared at him. “Bastard. That’s it.”

Nakatani sighed and faced his lunch once more. “And here I thought it would be something interesting.”

“How is this not interesting?” Daichi snapped. “I finally realized how I feel about Suga!”

Nakatani stole the milk Sugawara had abandoned and opened it. “Dude, you were _always_ going to realize that though.”

Daichi pouted.

This wasn’t the reaction he wanted. In the movies, when the main heroine told her friends that she was in love, there were squeals and jumping and congratulations and hugs and…

“A real friend would be excited for me,” Daichi muttered.

Nakatani was silent for a second. Then he turned to Daichi again and threw his arms around him, dragging him close.

“ _Ohmigawd Sawamura I’m so happy for you! Eeeeeeee! When are you going to confess? Ohmigawd, ohmigawd, ohmigawd! Can I be the best man at your wedding? Let’s go pick out tuxedos—”_

Daichi pushed him off.

“Forget it. Here I was thinking, _oh, Nakatani has been trying to get me to do this thing and I’ve finally done it so maybe he will be happy to hear it_ , but nah. Still a jackass.”

“Oh c’mon, Sawamura,” Nakatani draped an arm around his shoulders. “I _am_ happy! Super happy! You know I’m just playing around with you. So when are you going to tell him?”

Daichi hummed and stared off in the direction that Sugawara had gone. “After Nationals. We don’t need the distraction right now.”

“Distraction… as in… you know you two are gonna be in each other’s pants every night as soon as you tell the guy you dig him?”

“Give me three reasons not to shove these chopsticks up your ass.”

“Koushi will get jealous.”

“That’s one.”

“You’ve had them in your mouth. That’s kinky.”

“That’s two.”

“And… I might like it.”

Daichi narrowed his eyes at him and went back to eating. “You’re safe, this time.”

Nakatani chuckled and leaned away, sliding his hand to the center of Daichi’s back. He gave him a few soft pats.

“Really, Sawamura. I’m happy for you.”

Daichi took one look at the gentle smile on his face and turned away, cheeks warming.

“Shuddup,” he mumbled.

“And it’s all thanks to me!” Nakatani said.

“Like hell.”

“What’s all thanks to you?”

Sugawara arrived back at the table and sat across from them, setting down a new milk.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older,” Nakatani said.

Sugawara was silent, eyes darting between them in suspicion. Daichi avoided his stare, pretending to be incredibly focused on his lunch. After a few seconds, Sugawara hummed.

“I want to know now,” he said.

“Sorry, secret.” Nakatani shrugged.

“I can’t believe you’re keeping secrets from me when I gave you my chocolate milk.”

“You didn’t give me shit. I stole this.”

“I can’t believe you’re keeping secrets from me when I’m not kicking your ass for stealing my chocolate milk.”

Nakatani finished off the milk and then tossed the bottle at Sugawara, who deflected it, sending it rolling across the table.

“Hey, Koushi, don’t you usually spend lunch in the library?” he asked.

Daichi sent a quick glance at Sugawara, whose cheeks had gone instantly red at the question.

“I used to,” he said, lifting his chin and avoiding both of their stares. He poked his lunch with his chopsticks. “But not anymore.”

“Why not?”

“None of your business.”

“If you don’t tell me, I’ll just make something up.”

“Go ahead.”

“Okay so you and Yoshida were sliding in to home plate but in the middle of it you ripped a huge—”

“Yoshida doesn’t want to make out with me anymore,” Sugawara interrupted. “Because _someone_ ,” he gave Daichi a pointed stare. “Gave me a _hickey_ and apparently he didn’t like it.”

The table fell silent and Daichi chewed calmly on a bite of onigiri, trying not to let the triumph he felt over that announcement show on his face.

Nakatani turned towards him and let out a laugh, throwing his arm around his neck.

“Alright Sawamura! I told you! Didn’t I tell you? Though that’s definitely not how I would have done it but _hey_ , if it works, it works.”

“ _Huh?_ ” Sugawara slapped a hand down on the table. “ _What_? You told Daichi to give me a hickey?”

“No, of course not. How kinky do you think our relationship is?” Nakatani shrugged. “I just told him that Yoshida doesn’t like to share.”

Daichi avoided Sugawara’s stare for long, silent seconds.

“So you’re both to blame then,” he finally said. “The reason why I don’t get to make out with somebody during lunch break is _both_ of your fault.”

“Oh c’mon, Koushi don’t be—”

“Fine.”

Daichi glanced at him. Sugawara shrugged and stabbed a sausage with his chopsticks.

“That’s fine,” he said. “I’ll just find a new partner. One who doesn’t mind sharing.”

Daichi’s stomach churned.

Sugawara hummed and stared off across the cafeteria. “I wonder if Kamasaki-kun is free this weekend…”

“Oops,” Nakatani murmured and patted Daichi’s back. “Sorry Buddy.”

_God damn it._

* * *

Finally realizing that he was in love Sugawara and then having to just be friends with him, pretending nothing had changed, was downright _awful._

But doing so, knowing that Sugawara had suffered the exact same but for about thirteen years longer… it kind of made Daichi want to cry.

_I’m sorry._

_I’m so sorry._

_I’m so blind and stupid and I should have seen and god I’m the worst._

At least Daichi knew that his feelings weren’t one sided and when he was finally able to confess, there was no chance that Sugawara would turn him down. If it had been him in Sugawara’s shoes before, not knowing if he would accept him but taking the risk anyway, just to be _rejected_ …

_I would have died._

_On the spot, I would have stopped breathing and died._

_God how dramatic._

But it was true nonetheless. Daichi had been wrong all this time.

Sugawara was the strong one in their relationship.

After all, he could do _this_ now, lie stretched out on his bed with Daichi sitting against the wall next to him and not look like he was about to throw up at their proximity.

He was much, _much_ stronger than Daichi.

“We could always go somewhere in Kyoto,” Sugawara said, flipping through the pages of the book of Japan’s universities and their courses that Takeda had given to them. He hummed. “But it’s so far away… it’ll be hard to come back home very often.”

Daichi watched the way his mouth curved with the words. He watched the way his tongue, pink and wet, slipped out and absently licked over his bottom lip.

His stomach tightened and he squeezed his hands into fists against his thighs, bringing them closer to his chest.

“What do you think, Daichi?”

Daichi hurriedly turned his eyes away when Sugawara addressed him, more than a little ashamed of the dirty thoughts that had crossed his mind while watching his mouth move.

“Uhm. Yeah Kiyoto is probably too far. I want to be able to visit my dad a lot.”

“Same.” Koushi flipped through the book. “You know, this would probably be easier if we had any idea what we want to do with our lives.”

_I don’t care._

_So long as we’re together._

_It doesn’t matter._

God Daichi had gotten so cheesy ever since he fell in love.

“I wish like…” Sugawara went on and Daichi’s eyes fell on his lips once more, watching them form the words. “You know how in the movies and stuff, people always have some sort of skill and it’s just like, oh yeah of course that kid would be an engineer, he made a robot when he was five. Or some other kid could play Mozart by ear before he even learned how to walk or some shit.”

Daichi hummed, barely able to concentrate on what he was saying, too enraptured by the way his bottom lip pouted, rosy and plump and…

“Why couldn’t I be some sorta genius from birth?” Sugawara whined. “Like… like Kageyama. You _know_ that guy is going to play volleyball forever. Same for Hinata. Even _you_ could fit in pretty much anywhere you want in a high paying leadership role but me? I have nothing. Not a single useful hobby or skill or interest. God I’m boring.”

Daichi absently thought he should be formulating something to say to him. He most likely needed encouragement, words from his best friend telling him that he could do anything he set his mind to, that it’s fine that he doesn’t know what he wants to do yet, that he’s young enough to take his time and try multiple things out until something clicked.

But he was just a little too preoccupied, wondering what that tongue tasted like.

He wondered what it was like to kiss Sugawara. What sort of feelings would it unlock from within him if he pressed their mouths together? Would it make the tingling want in the pit of his stomach even more difficult to ignore? Was Sugawara as good of a kisser as Nakatani claimed? As good as he had _looked_ when Daichi had caught him kissing other people?

Daichi had already acknowledged that he probably wanted to do… _that_ with Sugawara.

But if he kissed him… how large would that want grow?

Would it become so powerful that it consumed his every thought? Would he try to make a move… touch him somewhere else, somewhere he shouldn’t?

If he kissed him, what would Sugawara do? Would he kiss him back? Pull him closer? Maybe he would even pull him on top of him, encourage him to press his body down against his. Maybe he would put his arms around him, lift his knees on either side of his hips and rub against him until they were both overcome with desire.

Daichi’s lower body throbbed and _ahh_ he wanted to know what Sugawara tasted like…

Sugawara let out a loud sigh and dropped the book over his face, hands lowering to his stomach as he muttered,

“Boring ass desk job… here I come.”

Daichi’s gaze dipped down the length of Sugawara’s body, lingering on the front of his sweatpants. He bit his bottom lip, wondering just how the fuck had he never considered it before.

How were these feelings for his best friend, who had been at his side for as long as he could remember, so damn _new_?

How had Daichi never considered it before?

He wanted… to _do things_ with Sugawara.

And not just out of some juvenile sense of curiosity, the horny parts of puberty just barely hitting several years after the fact.

He wanted to do things with Sugawara because it was Sugawara. Because it was his best friend and he finally, _finally_ understood what it felt like to be in love and the romantic feelings just weren’t quite enough.

They weren’t enough and Daichi wanted to _do things_ with his best friend, here on his bed, without their clothes…

Daichi shifted slowly, leaning away from the wall. He reached out with a trembling hand and lifted the book from Sugawara’s face. His eyes remained shut, though he did make a soft noise of protest as Daichi quietly set the book aside.

He gulped and leaned over him, bracing himself on one hand against the mattress as he touched his other to the side of Sugawara’s neck.

Sugawara’s eyelids peeled open just as Daichi closed the distance between them and pressed their mouths together.

_I’m kissing Suga._

_Shit._

His heart thundered and before Sugawara could stop him, Daichi slid his hand around to the back of his neck, angled his head up, and pushed his tongue between his lips and into his mouth.

_Oh fuck._

_Oh God._

_My tongue is in his mouth._

Daichi’s body was on fire. His skin was too hot and if he wasn’t so consumed by the taste of the inside of Sugawara’s warm, wet mouth, he might be worried that the connection would burn him. His fingers gripped the back of his neck, probably too tight, but he couldn’t help it. He licked into Sugawara’s mouth, and Sugawara’s tongue rose to meet him, lips slotting forcefully against his.

_Fucking fuck._

_Suga’s…_

_Suga’s kissing me back…_

And Nakatani was right.

Sugawara _was_ a good kisser. And he took control with ease, hands coming up and gripping either side of Daichi’s face. He held him still, head lifting off of the pillow as his tongue thrust against his, spreading heat and flavor through his mouth.

Daichi was faintly aware that he was trembling, arm holding him up shaking with his weight. He was also faintly aware that his pants were feeling tighter, heat pooling in his lower body until it was almost the only thing he could feel, mind drawing away from the way Sugawara continued to kiss him, breathing shallow.

Daichi’s hand slipped down from his neck, coasting over his collar and down his chest.

He had touched him before. They were always touching. They hugged and shared beds and touched over and over and over again for as long as Daichi could remember, but this time it was different.

Daichi felt him differently. Instead of feeling just that guy that was his best friend, practically a brother… he was feeling someone that he wanted to feel more. He wanted to feel him this way without clothes, running the pads of his fingers, his palms, along his bare skin.

Even though it was Sugawara, that same guy with whom he had grown up, who was his best friend, his vice-captain, his next door neighbor… Daichi felt like he had never touched this person before in his life.

And he wanted to touch him _more_.

But he couldn’t.

Sugawara suddenly released his face, put his hands on his shoulders, and shoved him away. Shocked by the push, Daichi fell back against the wall, shoulder blades sending a _thump_ echoing through the room.

Sugawara hurriedly scampered out of the bed, tripping over the bedding and falling to his knees on the floor.

“Suga—” Daichi choked out but he was on his feet again, spinning towards him and shouting.

“ _No!_ ”

Daichi sucked in a sharp breath, eyes widening as he stared up at him.

Sugawara’s face was flushed red, eyes glossy, skin wrinkled between his furrowed brows.

“No!” he repeated, chin trembling. “That’s not _fair_!”

“Suga wait—”

“You can’t just use me like that!” Sugawara went on, ignoring his protest. “I’m not… I’m not just some doll you can fuck around with! That you can just use as some sort of _experiment—_ ”

“That’s not what I’m doing!” Daichi slid to the edge of the bed and placed his feet on the floor.

“Yes it is!”

“No it’s not! Suga I… I like you!”

“No you don’t!”

Daichi gaped at him, momentarily speechless.

How… what… what was he supposed to say to that?

“You don’t like me,” Sugawara said again. “You’re confused and stressed out and once all this stuff gets resolved, once we get back from Nationals and graduate and finally decide what to do with the rest of our shitty ass lives, you’ll realize that no, you _don’t_ like me like that and then you’ll have to reject me _all over again_ and I don’t want to hear it!” Tears slipped down Sugawara’s cheeks. “I don’t want to be rejected again! The first time was already hard enough!”

He whirled and headed towards the balcony, wiping his cheeks.

Daichi jumped to his feet and followed.

“Wait, Suga, I’m not confused though. I swear. I like you… I _love_ you and I want to be with you, _for real,_ and—”

“Prove it!” Sugawara turned back to him, eyes flashing with a defiant glare.

Daichi floundered, the sudden shift rendering him speechless. He went from being hot and bothered to complete and utter confusion and he didn’t know what to say or how to say it and… this wasn’t how this was supposed to go down. Daichi was supposed to tell Sugawara he liked him and then Sugawara was supposed to be happy and they were supposed to start dating and be boyfriends and get to hold hands and kiss and _do things_ with no sadness or pain or…

“How do I prove it?” Daichi asked, voice straining. “I don’t know how to prove that.”

“Figure it out!” Sugawara grabbed the door of the balcony and threw it open.

“But—” He reached out and grabbed his elbow. “ _How_? I… Suga _I love you._ ”

“I don’t believe you!” He yanked his elbow out of his grip and marched out onto the balcony.

“How do I prove it to you?” Daichi begged, growing more and more desperate. “How am I supposed to convince you that I’m telling the truth?”

“I don’t know. Figure it out!” Sugawara climbed up on the railing and Daichi wanted to grab him and pull him back, but he jumped across before he could even reach out a hand.

Daichi watched him land and straighten, grabbing the handle to the door of his bedroom.

“Suga,” Daichi tried again, gripping the railing in both hands.

Sugawara paused and looked over his shoulder, expression tired and defiant.

“I love you,” Daichi said, voice trembling.

Sugawara gulped. Seconds ticked by and then he slid his door open and stepped into the room. He faced Daichi, gave him a fierce stare, and said one more time,

“ _Prove it_.”

The door slammed shut and the curtain was dragged across, hiding him from view and drawing a harsh end to the conversation.

For a long minute, Daichi merely stared at the glass in disbelief.

What the fuck just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right, we're right back to the struggle, fellas.  
> Because I will never make things easy for these boys.  
> Ever  
> Now's Suga's turn to be stubborn. Oh what fun
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Wow, every week I'm just stunned by the support you guys have shown me! I don't deserve a single ounce of your love, but I'm so happy for it anyway. Hope you all continue to enjoy the story. We're winding up to the end now. I will try my best to do it justice!
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=8UPDPG5tRYOyRqpN0P7o5g)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> Dating (but not really)


	13. Don't pull away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another blurred line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood:  
> [head first](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwH3Cngujng)  
> "You’ve got a hold of me  
> I’m diving in head first  
> Hoping I can love you so recklessly  
> You hit me like a tidal wave, I'm falling off  
> You got me hypnotized, mesmerized  
> Wrapped around your finger ’til the lights go low  
> You've got a hold of me"
> 
> [Cuz I Love You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqjPqsry7no)  
> "I thought that I didn't care  
> I thought I was love-impaired  
> But baby, baby  
> I don't know what I'm gon' do  
> I'm cryin' 'cause I love you  
> Oh yes, you"

Kumi stared down at Sugawara without a hint of sympathy in her eyes.

Sugawara faked a cough and rested his arm over his forehead.

“I’m sick,” he moped. “I’m going to have to miss school today. There’s no helping it.”

His mother hummed and leaned over him. She nudged his arm out of the way and pressed her hand against his skin.

“Interesting,” she said. “You don’t feel feverish.”

“That's because... I… have diarrhea.”

“Oh? Maybe that spicy mapo tofu I made for you last night did it then? Guess I’ll just never make it again…”

“I mean! Uhm… I mean… I have a really bad migraine.” He immediately started moaning and gently touching his temples, screwing his face up. “Ow ow ow owie…”

“A migraine? That could be the concussion coming back. I guess we will have to rush you to the hospital immediately then.”

Sugawara groaned. “Mom please let me ditch just this once.”

Kumi sighed and sat on the edge of his bed. “Why do you want to ditch?”

He fidgeted, looking away. “I just… do.”

“Well… you know if you ditch school… you are also ditching volleyball practice.”

Sugawara winced and started chewing on his bottom lip.

“And I’m not sure if it’s that good of an idea to be ditching volleyball so close to Nationals.”

“It’s… fine. I’m not even a regular player anymore anyway.”

“Are you also not the vice-captain anymore?” She reached out and gently brushed a lock of hair from his forehead. “You don’t need to be there to encourage your kouhai and be Daichi-chan’s right hand man?”

He flinched again, this time at the mention of Daichi.

Kumi noticed, and her eyebrow lifted, eyes narrowing.

“So it’s because of Daichi-chan that you don’t want to go to school?”

Sugawara gulped. He picked nervously at his thumb nail and murmured, “He said he loves me.”

Kumi released a gasp of faux disbelief. “What? Daichi-chan confessed his love to _my_ son? My completely heterosexual son? _Unacceptable_. I forbid you to see him!”

Sugawara groaned and rubbed his eyes.

When he didn’t banter back with her, she pinched his nose, drawing his eyes to her face once more.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, voice gentle. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”

He hesitated.

“I… don’t believe him. I think he’s just confused.”

Kumi blinked at him for a few seconds before letting out a snort. She patted his cheek and stood.

“Kids lead such interesting lives these days,” she said, voice dripping with amusement. She turned for the door and called over her shoulder, “Get up. You’re not ditching school because the boy you like likes you back. We’re not wealthy enough to be bedridden by something that stupid.”

Sugawara moaned and rolled onto his stomach.

“You’re so insensitive!”

“Yep.”

The door shut behind her and for long seconds, Sugawara merely stared at the wall.

Daichi said he loved him.

_Liar_.

Sugawara squeezed his eyes shut.

He had to be lying.

Or… if he wasn’t lying, he was just confused. There was just no way that Daichi went from rejecting him, to very insistently proving that he only thought of him as a friend (or _brother_ if he was feeling especially shitty about this), to suddenly being in love with him.

_Why_?

Why would Daichi love him _now_? Sugawara hadn’t done anything different. Maybe he could believe it if something big had happened between them, but there was nothing. He hadn’t done anything differently, there was no big _bang_ that could have made Daichi’s feelings suddenly pop out of nowhere.

So it wasn’t true. It _couldn’t_ be.

He was just confused. The stress of _everything_ was getting to him and he was cracking, so he was trying his hardest to hang on to the one thing that he knew he could always depend on.

Sugawara.

And how else to hang on to him, keep him from leaving and finding someone new, than to pretend like he returned his feelings? There was no way Sugawara would leave him for somebody else if he thought Daichi was in love with him, right?

_Stupid._

_As if I could ever leave you anyway._

Realizing this only made him more miserable though. How could Daichi do this to him? How could he kiss him, give him some inkling of hope, when it’s so obviously not true?

Sugawara had known Daichi for almost his entire life but he never thought he was a cruel man.

Not until now.

“He’s just confused,” Sugawara muttered to himself. “He doesn’t like me. He’ll never like me. Stop getting your hopes up, Idiot.”

He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

At least he got to make out with him, just once.

Even though it didn’t last nearly as long as he wanted it to… and he didn’t get to go as far as he wanted to…

Sugawara closed his eyes.

_God it was hot._

Sugawara _knew_ kissing Daichi would be amazing but that… that was beyond even his imagination. The feeling of his hand on the back of his neck, then trailing down his chest… the taste of his tongue inside his mouth… the needy touch of his lips against his…

_God._

Sugawara’s stomach tightened just remembering it.

As if the several times he had used the memory to jack off the night before still weren’t enough.

He was so hopeless.

Sugawara groaned and finally slipped out of bed. He dejectedly got ready for school, dragging his feet with dread. What was he supposed to say to Daichi? He didn’t know if he could even _look_ at him, let alone talk to him.

He didn’t know how the fuck he was supposed to even be in the same room as him and not promptly pop an erection.

“Why am I so _horny_?” Sugawara whined as he joined his family in the kitchen.

Souta immediately protested with wordless complaints, crumbs of toast falling out of his mouth.

“Oh, crap,” Kumi said, setting a plate of food down in front of the empty chair that Sugawara sank into. “I knew we forgot _something_ seven years ago. Sweetie, we never gave Koushi the puberty talk.”

“Oops,” Reiichi said. He turned to Sugawara. “Now you see, Koushi, as we get older, our bodies change. It’s totally natural, so don’t be scared if you start growing hair in strange places or notice any other peculiar changes—”

“I hate this family!” Souta interrupted. “Quit talking about gross shit at breakfast.”

“But Souta, I’m having a _crisis_ ,” Sugawara pouted.

“Being horny is not a _crisis_ ,” he snapped.

“That’s right,” Reiichi cut in, patting Sugawara’s hand with a patient smile. “It’s completely natural and there’s no reason to be embarrassed.”

“Dad I don’t need the puberty talk. I need to know whether or not I should let Daichi continue believing he is in love with me so that I can one day hopefully get laid or—”

“Bye.” Souta stood, grabbed his mug of coffee, and left the room.

Sugawara sighed and poked at his eggs. “It’s like he doesn’t even care.”

“I think that’s _exactly_ what it is,” Kumi said, sitting next to him.

He pursed his lips and chewed halfheartedly on his breakfast, even though his stomach protested.

“Mom can I—”

“You can’t ditch.”

He grumbled.

His parents made idle conversation about their plans for the day while Sugawara hunted for an idea on how to just _survive_ the day. Was it possible for him to somehow avoid Daichi? Maybe if he snuck out the back, followed a different route to the school, then loitered in the bathroom until right before class… bolting as soon as lunch started to hide out in the courtyard…

He sighed. It was no use. Even if he could find a way to avoid him for most of the day, he would still catch him at volleyball practice. He would corner him in the club room or on the walk home.

No matter how hard he tried, Sawamura Daichi would find a way to get him by the end of the day.

Kumi stood from the dining table at the sound of a knock at the front door. Sugawara pushed his plate away and sipped from a mug of coffee.

Maybe he should still walk the other direction though. To give him time to think of what to—

“Oh, good morning Daichi-chan!”

Sugawara froze at the sound of Kumi’s voice.

“You’re here a little early, aren’t you?”

“Yeah… I wanted to make sure Suga didn’t try to sneak out.”

Reiichi snorted and Sugawara glared at him.

“Whose side are you on?” he muttered.

“Whoever makes it most interesting for me,” he hummed. “Daichi-kun is winning so far.”

Sugawara grumbled and stood. He crossed the kitchen and stood in the hallway, staring off towards the entrance, where Daichi waited in the doorway. Kumi stepped to the side and Daichi’s eyes lifted to meet his.

His heart strained and his face flushed, remembering the feverish look in those eyes the night before.

_Don’t get a boner._

_Please, we don’t have time to jack off in the bathroom one last time._

“Koushi, sweetheart, Daichi-chan is here to pick you up!” Kumi said, knowing smirk on her lips.

Sugawara cleared his throat and looked away.

“Yeah, I see that.” He stomped up the hall and stopped in the entrance to pull on his shoes and coat. He slung his bag over his shoulder and draped a blue scarf around his neck before moving past his still smirking mother and pushing around Daichi to the path outside. “Bye Mom,” he said.

“Have a nice day at school! See you, Daichi-chan.”

Sugawara strode up the path to the sidewalk and turned towards school. He heard Daichi jog to catch up and then he was there in his peripherals, walking at his side with his hands in his pockets.

They walked in silence for a few blocks, Sugawara being completely eaten up with the need to run away or kiss him or punch him or... _something_.

“You know…” Daichi finally muttered, scaring a hop out of Sugawara. “If you weren’t being so stubborn… we could be holding hands right now.”

Sugawara’s face burned and he gulped. “I’m not _being_ stubborn. I _am_ stubborn. Learn the difference.”

“Suga can I hold your hand?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re confused and don’t actually want to hold my hand.”

Daichi let out a huff of frustration.

“I’m not a baby, Suga. I think I can decide for myself whether or not I actually want to hold your hand.”

“Oh good, so you know that you don’t.”

“I _do_.”

“No you don’t.”

Daichi growled and lunged for him. Sugawara just barely dodged, bounding out of his reach when he grabbed for his hands. He chased him in circles up and down the sidewalk until they were both panting, breath clouding around their faces in the chilly air. Daichi finally cornered him up against the trunk of a tree just at the entrance of the park.

Sugawara leaned back against it, staring at him with half fear and half desire because _god_ he wanted to kiss him but he was also terrified that he was getting his hopes up too high and soon Daichi would realize his mistake and take it back and _ugh_.

Daichi breathed heavily, moving closer until his body was practically pinning him to the tree, hands against the trunk on either side of his waist.

“You’re so fucking stubborn,” he grumbled, warm breath feathering Sugawara’s cheeks. “You’re such an asshole. Annoying brat.”

“Then…” Sugawara gulped. “Then you get it. Nobody would like an annoying brat like me so—”

“I love you.”

Sugawara groaned. “ _Stop it_.”

“No.” Daichi’s body moved closer and Sugawara sucked in a sharp breath.

_Don’t get a boner, don’t get a boner, please don’t, don’t, don’t get a boner._

“I’m not going to give up,” Daichi went on. “I don’t know why the fuck you won’t believe me, but whatever. If you want me to convince you that I like you, then I’ll just figure out how to convince you.”

“Daichi—”

“Shh.” Daichi’s hands slipped to his hips and held him still. “Shut up. No arguing. You and I are boyfriends now.”

Sugawara stared at him with wide eyes.

“ _What_?”

“You’re my boyfriend,” Daichi repeated. “And I’m your boyfriend. We’re boyfriends.”

“ _We—_ ”

“Shut up. It’s not up for debate. We’re boyfriends now and that’s final.”

Sugawara could almost laugh.

What the fuck?

“You can’t just decide that on your own—”

“I can and I did.”

“Oh my god Daichi you can’t just—”

“Shh, call me Boyfriend from now on.”

Sugawara sputtered and turned his face away, laughter rumbling in his chest.

“ _What the fuck?_ ” He cackled. “Even if I agreed to be your boyfriend, I wouldn’t _call you Boyfriend._ Who the fuck does that? Daichi, you idiot.”

“ _Boyfriend,_ you idiot,” Daichi corrected with a grin and Sugawara’s laughter grew.

“I’m _not_ calling you that,” he said, giggling. “That’s so stupid.”

“Boyfriend,” Daichi said. “I want to kiss you.”

Sugawara’s breath caught in his throat. “N… no.”

Daichi held his stare for long seconds and Sugawara momentarily thought he would override the rejection, kiss him anyway (he kinda hoped he would) but instead, he let out a grumble and shoved his face against the side of his neck.

“Boyfriend, I want to hold your hand.”

Sugawara gulped. “No—”

“Boyfriend, let me hold your hand. I want to hold your hand. Boyfriend, I want to hold your hand so let me hold your hand Boyfriend—”

“ _God, fine!_ ” Sugawara put his palms against his shoulders and shoved him away from him. Daichi stumbled backwards a few steps and Sugawara followed, catching his right hand in his left. He turned and marched up the sidewalk, dragging Daichi behind. “You can hold my hand but that’s _it_. And not because we’re boyfriends! This is just to shut you up!”

They walked in silence for a minute, Sugawara trying not to let the feeling of Daichi’s rough hand in his give him any sort of actual hope that this is a thing they might be able to do all the time, for _real_.

They couldn’t.

It was just to shut him up.

That was all.

Soon, Daichi was going to think, “ _Oh, I don’t like this as much as I thought_ ,” and he was going to pull away, admit he was wrong, and that’d be the end of it.

Sugawara tried to ignore when Daichi’s hand shifted, their fingers twining together.

He tried to ignore how tight he squeezed him, how close he moved his body to his side, their shoulders brushing.

But he couldn’t ignore it when he murmured in the softest, most gentle voice he had ever heard from his best friend,

“I love you.”

Sugawara gulped, moisture filling his eyes.

“No you don’t,” he mumbled, sniffling. He looked to the right, away from him. “But I do.”

“You can just say _I love you too_ ,” Daichi chuckled.

“Shut up Daichi.”

“Shut up _Boyfriend_.”

* * *

"So we're back to this, huh?"

Sugawara lifted his head and blinked his sore, dry eyes until Tanaka and Asahi came into focus where they stood in front of him in the school's courtyard.

Tanaka dropped onto his bottom and crossed his legs underneath him. Asahi hesitated, eyeing the cold stones and pulling his coat tighter around him. He finally lowered next to Tanaka, tucking the bottom of his coat over the seat of his pants for a buffer between him and the ground.

"Daichi-san's lookin' for you," Tanaka said, poking Sugawara's forehead. When Sugawara tensed, he added, "I pointed him the other direction, so relax."

Sugawara sighed and rubbed at his eyes.

"Have you eaten?" Asahi asked, voice much gentler than Tanaka's slightly annoyed tone.

Sugawara glanced at the bento box resting on the ground next to him. "Yeah..."

After a tick of silence, Tanaka leaned over and snatched up the box. He popped the lid open before Sugawara could react and peered in at the contents. A scowl spread over his lips and he presented the lunch to him.

"You call this eaten? It looks like it's barely been picked at."

Sugawara sniffled and looked away. "Not hungry."

"Suga-san you need-"

"Tanaka," Asahi interrupted. He gave him a small shake of the head and then faced Sugawara. "Will you at least tell us why you're avoiding Daichi again?"

Sugawara hugged his knees to his chest and rested his chin on top of them. He didn't want to tell them. It was stupid. He knew it was stupid and while it wasn't a surprise, that Sugawara was being _stupid_ again, he didn't want them to know.

And yet...

"You know how there are things..." he began, voice soft. "That you really want to happen, but you know that they probably never will?"

Tanaka and Asahi exchanged a look.

"Like... winning a huge bunch of money or becoming insanely famous or... getting a super power." Sugawara sniffled. "You always kinda hope that something big and amazing like that will happen to you but you don't actually expect it to. If it _did_ happen, you'd probably realize that it's not as amazing as you always thought it was anyway. Having a lot of money would be great but I bet you'd attract a lot of fake people trying to get some of it from you." He gulped. "Being famous is probably fun for a little while until you can't get any privacy and haters pop up out of the woodwork and make you feel bad about yourself. Super powers might seem awesome but the pressure of using them to protect people and defeat bad guys would be way too much to handle on your own."

His eyes filled with tears and his brows furrowed tight together.

"Getting your best friend to fall in love with you is nice until he changes his mind and breaks your heart all over again."

Asahi scooted closer to him, expression lined with concern.

Sugawara sniffled again as a tear slipped from his eye and dripped down his cheek. "Getting Daichi to fall in love with me was always something that I hoped would happen but I never actually expected it to. And now that he's claiming that he's in love with me and wants to be with me... all I can think about is how eventually it's all going to go _wrong_ and I'll be worse off than I ever was."

"Daichi-san confessed to you?" Tanaka asked, eyes wide.

More tears slipped down Sugawara's cheeks and Tanaka blanched, suddenly floundering and waving his hands in a panic.

"It feels like a sick joke," Sugawara said, chest shuddering with a sob. "I've spent all this time _hoping_ Daichi would love me and now I... I can't..." He swiped uselessly at his tears. "Daichi is so _mean_. I _hate_ being in love."

Asahi moved to his side and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He pulled him into his side and hugged him tight, rubbing at his arm to put warmth back into his cold body.

" _Nng_ _h_ ," Tanaka groaned and swiped his forearm over his eyes. "Suga-san you're killing me, please don't cry!"

"It's Daichi's fault!" he sobbed. "He's a liar and a bastard and I'll never trust him again!"

"Suga-saaaaaaan!"

"Do you really think Daichi is capable of lying about this sort of thing?" Asahi asked, breath warm on Sugawara's forehead. "He can be... abrasive but he's not _cruel_..."

"He _is_ cruel!" Sugawara argued. "He's winding me up! The second I accept him, he's going to reject me again!"

"He won't do that..."

"He's done it once, hasn't he?" Sugawara's voice lowered and he blinked moisture away, staring off across the courtyard. "Not just once. Again and again and again, since I confessed to him. He's woken up every morning since then and rejected me again and again. He's insisted, over and over, that he wants me as a friend and nothing more. For _years_... rejection after rejection has piled up. My confession was just the first time he put it to words. That's all." He pressed a hand over his eyes. "How can I possibly believe him _now_?"

Silence fell over them for long chilly seconds.

Asahi's arms tightened around him and he finally whispered,

"You'll find a way."

Sugawara bit down on his bottom lip.

"You always do."

* * *

Sugawara eyed Daichi tiredly where he blocked the door of the club room, arms crossed over his chest.

"Can we just..." Sugawara began. " _Not?"_

Daichi's gaze didn't waver from his face.

"Can we not what?" he asked, voice low.

Sugawara sighed. " _This_." He waved a hand at him. Then at the empty room, all of their teammates already gone, headed home for the night.

Daichi hesitated, eyes dipping to the floor for a moment. Sugawara used the moment of silence to wrap his scarf around his neck, entire body tense and tight with anxiety.

Just what did he want from him?

What was he _expecting_?

"Tell me what I have to do."

Daichi didn't meet his gaze as he mumbled the words.

"Tell me what I need to do to get you to believe me."

Sugawara slowly tucked the end of his scarf inside the front of his coat.

"You told me to convince you but I don't know how to do it," Daichi went on. "You won't listen when I try to explain myself and you avoid me at lunch and push me away when I try to touch you... so what am I supposed to do?"

Sugawara busied his hands with draping his bag across his chest to ignore the guilt slowly spreading through him and bringing moisture to his already tired, stinging eyes.

"Maybe we should have some space," he muttered, each word tasting sour on his tongue.

_No..._

_I don't want that._

_I only just got him back._

"If we had some time to think on our own," Sugawara continued, despite how sick to his stomach it made him feel. "We could get our heads straight and figure out what to do next."

_AKA, you can stop thinking you're in love with me._

_And I'll still be... here._

His hands moved next to the zipper of his bag, opening it slightly so he could peer down into it, check that he had all of his things, even if he already knew it was all in there. 

"Nah."

Sugawara blinked.

He glanced up at Daichi, whose expression was relaxed, arms still crossed over his chest.

"What do you mean _nah_?" Sugawara said.

"I mean _nah_ ," Daichi repeated, enunciating each word with care. "I'm done _waiting_ _things out_. I tried that already. Remember? After you confessed to me, I tried to wait things out, thinking it'd get better so long as we both had time and space. And what happened?"

Sugawara chewed on his bottom lip.

"It made everything worse," Daichi's voice lowered. "For both of us. So nah. I'm not going to give you time and space this time. Nationals is right around the corner and I refuse to worry about this while we are there." His chin lifted. "We're resolving this before then."

And _God_ Sugawara hated how much he loved this side of him. This forceful and demanding side that earned him the title of Captain, that kept Sugawara out of trouble time and time again. He loved when he took charge and didn't let Sugawara be timid or indecisive.

He loved it.

But he really wished that he didn't, just this once.

Sugawara lowered his eyes to the floor, struggling to come up with an argument. Soft footsteps padded his direction and Daichi's legs came into view where he stood in front of him.

Warm, rough fingertips grazed his temple, pushing a lock of hair back and over Sugawara's ear.

"I'll convince you," he said, voice low.

Chills shot down Sugawara's spine and he inhaled a shaking breath, hands wrapping around the strap of his bag and squeezing tight.

_Kiss me._

_No... don't._

_Do._

_Don't._

_Ugh... I hate him..._

_... I love him._

"I promise I'll find a way to convince you," Daichi said again, and there was roughness to his tone now that made Sugawara's knees go absolutely weak. "So... don't pull away."

Sugawara held his breath, eyes darting up into Daichi's.

_Kiss me._

_Kiss me._

_Please kiss me._

Daichi's hand cupped his face and he leaned forward.

_No... please don't._

Sugawara's eyebrows furrowed slightly and he resisted the urge to pull away. Daichi's eyes moved across his face and a soft breath passed his lips. His thumb coasted over Sugawara's cheekbone and then he closed the distance to press a kiss to the spot, just under his left eye.

His skin burned from the contact.

Daichi ended the kiss and then took one of Sugawara's hands, gently prying it from the strap of the bag. He twined their fingers together and then tugged him in the direction of the door.

"C'mon," he murmured. "Let's go home."

Sugawara followed along, heart fluttering like a hummingbird's wings in his chest. He waited dutifully at his side while he locked the door behind them, burying his chin inside his scarf when the cold winter air bombarded them. When Daichi turned to him, he looked hurriedly away, stupidly timid and meek like a coward.

_Stupid coward._

_Dumb Koushi._

_It's just Daichi._

A chuckle drew his attention back to Daichi's face. He smiled as he reached up and popped Sugawara's coat collar.

"You're cute when you're pouting," he said, smile shifting into a smirk.

Sugawara's eyes narrowed. "I'm not _pouting_."

"He said, _poutingly_."

Sugawara punched him in the gut and Daichi doubled over with a laughing groan.

"Ahh, Boyfriend abuse," Daichi wheezed as Sugawara turned and stomped along the walkway.

"We're not boyfriends!" Sugawara snapped, though his face and chest warmed to an extreme degree, and not in an entirely unpleasant way.

Daichi chuckled and chased after him. He snatched up his hand at the stairs and Sugawara glared at him, nose scrunching.

"We'll see about that," Daichi said, lips curling in a charming half smirk.

And Sugawara hated how much he couldn't hate him.

* * *

Daichi really meant business.

Sugawara didn’t think he’d ever get used to it, this dating (but not really) thing. For the next several days, Daichi played the part of a boyfriend. He held Sugawara’s hand at every opportunity he got, completely ignoring his protests. He sat close at lunch, touch wandering around his waist until a passing Takeda paused and, clearly flustered, reminded them about the school’s policy on public displays of affection.

Not that it did any good. As soon as he was gone, Daichi slid close once more, leaned his thigh against Sugawara’s, and placed his palm against the small of his back.

It was torture.

Nakatani had yet to let Sugawara live it down, catching him in private just to laugh at him. Tanaka and Asahi had gotten over their initial sympathy for him and were now _completely_ unsympathetic to his situation, looking at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world when he complained to them.

And Sugawara was just… so… confused.

“He doesn’t actually like me. He doesn’t actually like me. Someday he’s gonna wake up and realize he was wrong. And I’ll be ready. Because I know. I know the truth.”

When Sugawara slowly removed his hands from his eyes, he let out a squeak.

Yoshida stood across the aisle, leaning against the bookshelves in front of him. He sucked on a lollipop quietly, left eyebrow quirked as he watched Sugawara recite the mantra.

“Hey,” he said.

Sugawara’s stomach dropped.

“Hey.”

“So…” Yoshida’s eyes wandered up the aisle. “You and Sawamura are… dating now.”

“No, not really.”

He looked back to him. “No? So then all that grabassing that Sawamura has been doing with you is just… a thing friends do these days?”

Sugawara snorted and rubbed his eyes. “Do you really want to know?”

“I’ve got a few minutes to spare.” Yoshida crossed the aisle and sat next to him, stretching his legs out on the floor.

Sugawara sighed and leaned his head back against the bookshelf. “Okay then.” He hesitated, chewing on what he should say that didn’t make him sound like a colossal idiot. He finally settled on, “I like him.”

“Then congrats, I guess?”

“No, not really.”

“I’m listening.”

Sugawara chuckled. “I like him. And I confessed to him. But he rejected me. And it was really shitty and it sucked and it made me cry and feel awful for a long time. But… I started to get over it. Not over _him_ , obviously because I _still_ like him. A lot. More than anything.” He stared at the ceiling. “But I was getting over the rejection part. I was feeling better. I was fooling around with you and plotting how to score a date with Kamasaki from Datekou and I was _getting over it_.” He lowered his eyes to his hands in his lap. “And _now_ … Daichi says he likes me. Says he’s _in love_ with me. Wants to be my boyfriend.”

“Congrats?”

“No.”

“This is getting a little confusing.”

Sugawara fiddled with his thumbs. “I just… don’t believe him. After everything that he said and did when he rejected me… I dunno. I just _can’t_ believe that he’s telling the truth this time.”

“You think he’s faking?”

“Not necessarily _faking_ … I don’t think he’s consciously doing it… I just think he _thinks_ he likes me right now. But eventually he’ll change his mind. And I’ll be rejected.” He gulped, voice going weak. “Again.”

Neither of them spoke for long seconds. Then Sugawara forced a laugh and rubbed his eyes again.

“Go ahead and say it. Everyone else has. I’m a fucking idiot.”

“Nah.”

Sugawara paused. “Nah?”

“I don’t think it’s that weird,” Yoshida admitted.

Sugawara lowered his hands from his eyes and glanced at him. “You don’t?”

He shrugged. “I mean… I get it. Why should you believe him now? If he likes you, then why did he reject you in the first place? This isn’t some grand revelation.”

“Ye-yeah! Exactly!”

“And even if he _is_ serious,” Yoshida went on. “It’s not weird that you would hesitate to believe him.” He stared across the aisle. “It’s self-preservation. And I don’t think there’s anything stupid about it.”

“Yeah…” Sugawara’s shoulders slumped with relief. He didn’t realize how much he wanted someone to just... _understand_. “Self-preservation.”

Yoshida hummed and they sat in silence for a moment, Sugawara warm over the newfound support.

“So what would he have to do then?” Yoshida said after a while.

“Huh?”

“To convince you that he’s serious and actually likes you.”

Sugawara hesitated.

“I… don’t really know. I guess I’m just so sure that he’s wrong that there’s nothing.” He stared at his knees. “Maybe there’s nothing that would convince me.”

“Hm…” Yoshida reached over and ruffled Sugawara’s hair roughly. “Nah. You may be right with this whole self-preservation thing, but you’re _still_ an idiot. You’ll fall for it all sooner or later.”

“Bitch, you don’t know me.” Sugawara pushed back at him and they started wrestling, eventually winding up sprawled out on the floor, Sugawara on top of Yoshida.

Which was the perfect time for them to hear a noise at the end of the aisle. They both froze and turned their eyes in its direction.

And it was Daichi, (of course, _of COURSE)_ because Sugawara’s life was a fucking joke and the universe just _loved_ to ruin everything for him at every opportunity it saw.

His jaw was clenched hard, the muscle in his cheek bulging, and his hands were fists at his sides as his flashing eyes held them in a glare.

“Oops,” Yoshida muttered and Sugawara climbed off of him. “That’s my cue to leave.” He stood, pushing a hand against Sugawara’s hair one last time before walking up the aisle. He passed Daichi without sparing him a glance and disappeared.

Sugawara sat back on his heels and cleared his throat, fixing his hair with trembling hands.

“Uhm… it’s… it’s not what it…”

Daichi inhaled deeply and then let it out. His fists unclenched and a tired expression swept the anger from his face. His shoulders slumped and he reached up and rubbed his eyes.

“Daichi we weren’t—”

Before he could get the rest of the words out, Daichi turned and walked away.

And even though he hadn’t done anything wrong, guilt swamped Sugawara and he slumped over on his side on the floor with a groan.

Dating (but not really) Daichi was so fucking _hard_.

* * *

He was definitely mad at him.

Or… Sugawara _hoped_ he was just mad at him.

It was better than the alternative. Sugawara didn't know what to do if he was actually genuinely hurt by him and Yoshida fooling around in the library.

_We weren’t doing anything though!_

There was no reason why Sugawara ought to feel guilty, and yet there he was.

Feeling _awful_.

Daichi wasn’t even trying to hold his hand anymore. He hadn’t said a word to him outside of commands at volleyball practice, and now they were walking home together and Sugawara’s hand felt so cold.

_I’m gonna cry._

_We weren’t even doing anything!_

_Why should I be feeling shitty when I haven’t done anything wrong?_

Sugawara hoped that Daichi was just mad. He could handle that. Daichi’s anger burned hot and fast but fizzled out just as fast. And he could never stay mad at Sugawara. Ever.

But Sugawara didn’t know how to handle a Daichi who was hurt and betrayed.

_Clearly_ , he didn’t know how to handle that. Just look at all the bullshit that had come from the past couple of months.

_I’m soooorrryyyyy!_

_Stop ignoring me please!_

Sugawara busied his hands with tying his scarf tighter around his neck, pretending that he wasn’t sending Daichi sneaky looks, hoping he would snap out of his quiet state and yell at him or something.

At least if he yelled at him, Sugawara could yell back.

They reached their street and Sugawara’s heart dropped.

Too late now. They had gone the entire walk in silence, Sugawara’s hand completely _unheld_.

Good. That’s good. Maybe Daichi finally realized that he had been wrong.

_Oooowwwww._

_Ouch ouch ouch._

_Damn it Daichi…_

_This is what I was trying to avoid._

Sugawara paused at his gate, watching as Daichi continued on to his own.

“See you tomorrow,” he called, wincing at how weak his voice sounded.

Daichi hummed his reply and passed through his gate.

And Sugawara just wanted to cry.

_Stupid Daichi._

_Stupid fucking Daichi._

Sugawara went into his house and kicked off his shoes.

Stupid, typical, bastard Daichi.

This was exactly what Sugawara was trying to avoid! The goddamn prick had gotten him used to (not really) dating him and now he was going to break his heart all over again!

_“Stupid Daichi!”_ Sugawara shouted as he stomped through the house.

Kumi stood in the doorway of the kitchen, wearing an apron.

“Welcome home,” she said. “Want dinner?”

“I’m not hungry,” Sugawara pouted as he passed her. “I’m… just gonna go to bed.”

“You need to eat though.”

"Let me starve and die!"

"Can you at least wait to starve and die until _after_ we've taken out a life insurance plan on you?" she called, stealing a reluctant laugh from Sugawara as he climbed the stairs, dragging his feet.

"We'll see," he said, voice weak.

And he wanted to cry.

Even though this was what he expected… he just wanted to hide in his bed and cry until there was nothing left.

Why did Daichi do this to him?

Sugawara _knew_ this was going to happen.

He _knew_ that Daichi was going to change his mind in the end. He was so insistent, telling him over and over again that he liked him and wanted to be his boyfriend. Then he catches Sugawara in a compromising situation with Yoshida _once_ and all that is just… poof. Gone.

Love: over.

“Stupid Daichi…” Sugawara sniffled, eyes filling with tears.

He wanted to cry, then he wanted to beat the shit out of his supposed _best friend_. He had to be doing it on purpose. He had to be hurting him on purpose, as punishment for being stupid enough to fall for him in the first place.

Stupid jerk.

Sugawara tossed his bag to the side inside his bedroom and then slouched over to the bed. He fell face first onto it and groaned into his pillow. Tears stung his eyes and he finally let them out, sniffling against his pillow case.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid Daichi._

Though he supposed this was good. At least he didn’t wait until after he had convinced him. Even if he had started to let himself hope that he was telling the truth, that he _did_ like him and wasn’t going to change his mind… it was better he rejected him now rather than later.

Sugawara wallowed in self-pity, switching from crying to angrily grumbling, for the next hour. Even when his stomach growled and he regretted telling his mom that he wasn’t hungry, he stayed in bed, yearning for death to come and take him away before he could get rejected again.

“Love is stupid. I’ll never do it ever again.” He grumbled as he finally rolled onto his back. “I’ll never ever ever fall for a hot straight guy ever again in my whole life. A stupid sexy straight guy that might not even be straight. He’s probably… just… nothing. Completely uninterested in me, in others… a total volleysexual. Yeah… that’s the problem. Daichi is volleysexual.” Sugawara snorted. “Probably never thought of sex once in his entire life.”

He hesitated.

_Ah._

_That… might be true._

He chewed on his bottom lip. Had Daichi ever… liked anyone in the past? _Actually_ liked someone? He knew that he had never dated. He was oblivious when girls flirted with him, and had once accidentally rejected a confession by calling the girl _pal_ like some sort of old man.

But while Sugawara had at least kissed people here and there growing up… he couldn’t think of a single time when Daichi had _ever_ shown any sort of interest in that. With _anybody_. He had never even made comments about actors or actresses, always shrugging and saying “I guess” whenever anyone asked if he thought they were sexy.

Sugawara froze, a sudden thought hitting him.

“Holy crap is he _ace_?” Sugawara gaped up at the ceiling. “Holy fuck no way.”

Was... was _Sugawara_ the jerk here?

Was he forcing someone who might not even have any sort of romantic or sexual urges to consider him as a partner?

“ _Ahhhh!_ ” Sugawara sat up, slapping his hands against both cheeks. “Noooo! No way! No, no, no, no! I can’t be the jerk! No way! I’m the victim! I… I…”

But it made sense, didn’t it? Daichi’s confusion over his confession… the stress it put him through… how angry and perplexed he had been over Sugawara kissing people just for fun… the fact that he was trying so hard now, even though he clearly had zero idea what he was doing…

“AHHHHH!” Sugawara fell back against the bed.

No fucking way.

Daichi was… Daichi was totally asexual. Possibly even aromantic.

How had Sugawara never noticed?

He moaned and held his hands over his eyes.

“I’m the worst friend ever,” he whimpered. “I’m the worst. The worst, worst, worst, worst…”

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he reluctantly pulled it out.

**_Dai-nasty:_ ** _can you come over?_

**_Dai-nasty:_ ** _please_

Sugawara sniffled. He was probably going to end it again. Tell him he was wrong, that they couldn’t do it.

_That’s fine._

Sugawara deserved it this time. It was… it was good that he was going to be rejected again. Especially after this new revelation… Sugawara definitely deserved to have his heart broken.

He sighed and rolled out of bed. His feet dragged as he crossed the bedroom to the balcony. The jump over was clumsier than usual and he nearly collapsed, but held onto the railing to steady himself as he slid the door of Daichi’s room open. As he walked through the curtain, he wracked his mind for something to say.

_Sorry._

_I'm sorry._

_I'll never be pushy again._

_Just forget everything, I'm sorry._

He lifted his eyes from the floor, mouth opening to deliver the apology, but froze in place instead.

Plates of noodles and vegetables and meat were spread out over the low table in the center of the room, accompanied by two lit candles, filling the air with delicious scent. Daichi sat on one end, waiting, arms crossed on the table in front of him.

“Wha…” Sugawara gaped at the sight. “What is this?”

“A date,” Daichi straightened.

“A _what_?”

Daichi hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry… I feel like I’ve been going about this the wrong way. I thought if we just skipped right to the boyfriends stuff, you’d see that I was serious but…” He let out a soft breath. “That’s lazy. So I'm switching tactics. I’ll do it properly this time. Starting with a date.”

“Daichi… what the fuck—”

“Have you eaten already?”

Sugawara’s stomach growled, betraying his hunger, and his face warmed.

Daichi chuckled and gestured across the table. “Sit. I made it myself. Well… Dad helped. A little.”

Sugawara gulped, shame spreading through him.

This was his fault. He made Daichi think that this was something he needed to do.

To keep his best friend.

Sugawara sat down across from him at the table, even though all he really wanted to do was cry.

“Sorry if it tastes bad,” Daichi said hurriedly. “Dad said it was fine but… it was my first time.”

Sugawara gulped and nodded.

For a few minutes, they ate in silence.

And it was good. It was _really_ good.

Stupid Daichi was good at everything, even things he had never done before.

“Suga?”

His gentle voice brought the tears streaming down Sugawara’s cheeks to his attention. He quickly wiped them away, sniffling.

“Is something wrong?” Daichi asked. “Does it taste awful?”

“No,” Sugawara mumbled. “It’s really tasty.”

“I tried to make it spicy. Is it okay?”

“It’s yummy.”

“Oh good.” He let out a breath of relief and Sugawara wanted to die. God he was such a jerk.

“Daichi,” Sugawara finally looked at him.

“Yeah?”

Sugawara sniffled. “You don’t have to do this.”

He cocked his head to the side. “Yeah I do. If I want to be your boyfriend, then I should put in the effort of wooing you—”

“No,” Sugawara groaned. “You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to force yourself to pretend—”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not pretending?”

Sugawara huffed, head falling back. “I don’t want to date you if you have to force yourself—”

“I’m _not_ forcing myself.” Daichi’s voice hardened, growing irritated.

And it was no use. Just trying to convince him this way was getting Sugawara nowhere.

Sugawara lowered his eyes and stared at Daichi across the table where he stared back at him, chin lifted defiantly.

Words just weren’t getting through to him.

He would need to _force_ him to see the truth.

Sugawara stood and then sat on the edge of the bed, giving Daichi a quiet look. Daichi watched him for a few seconds before slowly crawling over and joining him, sitting on his left. Sugawara inhaled deeply and turned towards him.

Before he could think better of it, he grabbed Daichi by the jacket and yanked him close. He pressed their lips together and kissed him, hard. Daichi’s hands fell onto his thighs and he moved closer, kissing him back.

And Sugawara really shouldn’t do this.

But Daichi needed to realize what it meant.

_This_ is what dating Sugawara Koushi was like.

Sugawara gripped Daichi’s face and forced his mouth open, instantly shoving his tongue inside. Daichi’s fingers curled against his thighs but he didn’t pull away. Instead, his tongue met him halfway.

And Sugawara was really selfish.

_I’m doing this for his own good_ , he swore.

Even though he was probably doing it even more for himself.

He gripped the flaps of Daichi’s club jacket and forced it off his shoulders. Daichi let him drag it down and off his arms, tossing it to the floor afterwards. Sugawara grasped his shoulders and shoved him down on the mattress, breaking the connection between their mouths to nudge his legs up on the bed next.

Sugawara breathed hard as he struggled out of his own jacket and threw it down next to Daichi’s. He climbed over the top of him, straddling his hips, and leaned down, hands pressed into the pillow on either side of his head. He caught his mouth in another hungry kiss, desperately sliding their tongues together.

Daichi needed to see.

This is what Sugawara wanted from him.

It wasn’t just some name only relationship where they held hands and kissed on occasion and referred to one another as their boyfriend. Sugawara didn’t want some face value romance with someone forcing himself to return his feelings just for the sake of keeping his best friend.

Sugawara was hungry.

He was insatiable.

He wanted Daichi so much harder than Daichi was willing to give and he _needed to understand that_.

Sugawara reached down and grabbed the hem of Daichi’s t-shirt. He yanked it up to his chest and Daichi sat up on his elbows, still kissing him frantically as Sugawara wrestled the shirt up. They separated, Daichi lifting his arms into the air so Sugawara could remove the shirt and toss it to the side, and then they came together once again.

Sugawara spread his hands over Daichi’s bare chest, touching as much as he could while this was still happening.

Taking advantage of Daichi as much as he would let him.

Daichi’s hands squeezed Sugawara’s waist as he fell back on the mattress, dragging him down with him. His nails dug in to his muscle and Sugawara let out a soft moan into his mouth, shivering at the hard touch.

He slipped them down and underneath Sugawara’s shirt, sliding his rough palms and fingers up his back, leaving trails of heat in his wake.

Sugawara let out a shuddering breath, lowering down against him. His hands coasted up his bare chest to the sides of his neck as he attempted to kiss him deeper, slanting their mouths together and thrusting his tongue harder.

He felt too desperate. Way, _way_ too desperate. Like he needed to get as much out of Daichi as he could while he was still trying so hard to be someone he wasn’t.

It was selfish and disgusting and deplorable, and he was a bad friend.

He was an awful, horrible, disgusting friend.

But he just couldn’t stop himself.

No matter what, Sugawara needed to convince Daichi that this wasn’t something that he wanted, and if he had to do it selfishly, disgustingly, then that’s what he was going to do.

Except…

Daichi wasn’t stopping him.

In fact he was kissing him back, almost just as desperately as Sugawara was kissing him. His hands were exploring his back beneath his shirt, and…

Daichi’s hips rubbed upwards and Sugawara sucked in a sharp breath.

Because he was _hard_.

Just as hard as Sugawara was and that… was that possible? Obviously he knew that asexual people were capable of being aroused, _duh_ , but…

After just this much?

He was… he was… huh? Seriously?

Sugawara let out a soft squeak when Daichi’s hands suddenly coasted down over his ass, fingers gripping him hard.

No way, no way, no way…

Sugawara faltered, and Daichi used his sudden shock to claim control. One hand remained on his ass and the other came up to cup the back of Sugawara’s head, keeping him still as Daichi lifted off of the pillow, slanting their lips together and licking impatiently at the inside of his mouth.

Wait.

This wasn’t… going how Sugawara planned.

Daichi wasn’t supposed to be… this _into it_.

He was supposed to realize that it was too much, that he wasn’t attracted to Sugawara sexually… that he _didn’t want to have sex with him_.

So why…

Daichi’s fingers slipped lower, pressing between his cheeks and Sugawara couldn’t stop the shudder that shot through him. He let out a whimpering moan and Daichi caught it in his mouth, other hand moving down to his hip. He ground up against him and Sugawara tore his mouth away when the dull throb of muffled pleasure warmed his lower body.

“Daichi—” he panted.

Daichi suddenly pushed up and to the side, rolling Sugawara onto his back on the bed. Sugawara stared up at him with wide eyes as Daichi gripped his thighs and pulled them up on either side of his hips. His face was flushed, lips parted as he breathed heavily, hair messy across his forehead and eyes hooded with hazy desire.

_Oh fuck._

_Hot, hot, hot, hot…_

Daichi lowered to steal another searing kiss from him, hands pushing his shirt up to his collar.

_Wait, wait, wait, wait._

_This isn’t what’s supposed to happen._

Daichi broke off and moved down, planting hot kisses against the side of his neck and then to his chest, tongue laving over his nipple.

Goosebumps rose to the surface of Sugawara’s skin and he whimpered, lower body throbbing. Daichi’s head moved lower and lower, until he was placing wet kisses over his stomach, just above the waistband of his pants.

“Wait!” Sugawara tugged on his hair. “Daichi—”

“Shh,” Daichi lifted his head and slipped a hand over Sugawara’s mouth. He gazed up at him, eyes heavy with want, and murmured, “My dad will hear.”

_FUCK._

Sugawara grabbed his wrist and tore his hand away from his mouth.

“Daichi, you actually want to have sex with me?”

Daichi blinked, slowly rising over him.

“Yeah?” His brow furrowed. “Is that not obvious?”

Sugawara gaped at him. “ _Why?_ ”

Daichi grunted. “What the fuck kind of question is that?”

“But! But… I thought… I thought maybe you were…”

“What?”

Sugawara gulped. “I thought maybe you were asexual.”

Daichi frowned. “What gave you that idea?”

“I don’t know! You’ve never… you’ve never talked about sex or dating or kissing so I just thought… maybe you weren’t interested in that sort of stuff…”

“I didn’t realize I _needed_ to talk about it.”

“You don’t! But it’s just that…” Sugawara was losing confidence, ego deflating the longer Daichi gave him that perplexed look. “You would never even talk about celebrities or… anything like that…”

“Why would I? I don’t know them.”

“So? You can still want to fuck strangers—”

“Well I don’t.”

“But…” Sugawara gulped. “You want to fuck me.”

Daichi huffed. “Obviously.”

“ _Why_?”

Daichi groaned and slumped down on top of him, hiding his face in the side of his neck.

“Since _when_?” Sugawara went on. “I’m just trying to understand. Two months ago, you didn’t like me any way other than as your best friend. Now suddenly you’re trying to date me and fuck me and—”

“What’s so weird about it?” Daichi lifted his head again, avoiding his eyes. “I just… hadn’t thought about it before. Before you confessed, I didn’t consider you as a possibility in… that area. Then you told me you liked me and suddenly that was… that was a _thing_. And I started thinking about it. Then I saw you kiss Nakatani, and I thought _more_ about it. Then I saw you kiss Yoshida and I thought more and more about it and it made me sick to think about them fucking you but then I thought about fucking you myself and…” He gulped, cheeks flushing red. “And I didn’t hate it.”

“ _Hold on_.” Sugawara struggled to sit up, forcing Daichi to sit back on his heels to give him room. Sugawara stared at him with wide eyes. “You _thought about fucking me_?”

“God.” Daichi covered his face with his hands. “Do we _have_ to talk about this right now? Can't we just go back to making out?”

Sugawara gripped his wrists and pulled them away. “Daichi, have you… have you jerked off thinking about me?”

Daichi yanked his arms out of his hold. “Don’t just _ask_ something like that—”

“Tell me!”

He fell silent for a moment, turning his gaze across the room, lips pursed.

Finally, after what felt like an hour, he muttered,

“Yeah.”

Sugawara’s mouth went dry.

“Whe-when?”

Daichi sighed and rubbed his eyes. “A couple times…”

“ _When?_ ”

He moaned and lowered his hands. “One time after seeing you undressing through the balcony door and the other time when I gave you that hickey." He hesitated. "And... I guess also after I kissed you the other day...”

Sugawara stared at him in disbelief.

Daichi jerked off to him.

Daichi… actually wanted to have sex with him.

Daichi…

Sugawara gulped and hurriedly scampered off of the bed. He grabbed his jacket from the floor and pulled it on.

“I… I gotta go.”

“Suga, wait. I… it’s just… I’m just…” He reached for him but Sugawara darted out of his grasp, rushing for the door.

He couldn’t let him touch him again. Not now. He wouldn’t be able to leave if he touched him again now.

But he needed to think. There was suddenly the possibility that Sugawara had been completely wrong about everything and he needed to _think_.

“Suga please let me explain—”

“There’s nothing to explain,” Sugawara said, voice breathless. “I just need to think.”

“But—”

Sugawara escaped through the door and jumped across to his balcony. He went into his bedroom and locked the door behind him, pulling the curtains shut.

He needed to think.

But first…

He looked down at the front of his pants, wincing at the throb of his lower body.

First he needed to do something about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a few tone issues. I threw in two scenes last minute and haven't really had the time to decide if I like them but... eh, editing is so hard and I just wanna lie down forever.
> 
> Suga is all over the place. How frustrating. Then again, Daichi is also all over the place. I don't know who I'm rooting for, honestly.  
> I'll just root for Nakatani instead. (Even though he doesn't really make an appearance in this chapter. Naoki where are you? I love and miss you!)
> 
> Thank you x1billion to everybody still reading and supporting this story week after week! We're so close to the end and I have a lot of reservations about the upcoming chapters. I hope I'm able to give you guys the ending that this story deserves <3
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=yoRbiwpoRCWTY4tIkXtwtA)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> The Wrong Direction


	14. We can't afford this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another rejection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood:  
> [dear insecurity](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLmYZSu3NCc)  
> "Dear insecurity  
> When you gonna take your hands off me?  
> When you ever gonna let me be  
> Proud of who I am?"

Daichi could feel Rikichi’s eyes on him as he moved around the kitchen the next morning. But it wasn’t until he was sitting at the table with a slice of buttered toast in hand that he finally asked the question that was on his face.

“So?” Rikichi sat across from him with two mugs of coffee, sliding one over to Daichi and sipping from the other. His eyes stayed trained on Daichi’s face. “How did it go? Your date?”

Daichi stared down into the coffee. No way was he going to tell him the details of his and Sugawara’s encounter the night before. He and his father were close, sure, but definitely not close enough to talk about how he was totally a few seconds away from shoving both his hands into his best friend’s pants.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I don’t know… not great.”

“Why not? What happened? Did he not like the food?”

Daichi scrunched his nose and took a bite out of his toast, brushing crumbs away when they fell on the front of his shirt.

“The food was okay,” he finally mumbled. “It’s just… he doesn’t believe me.”

Rikichi cocked an eyebrow. “About what?”

Daichi sighed. “He doesn’t believe that I actually like him. Like… romantically. When I first told him I liked him he got really upset with me and told me that I have to _prove_ it. Convince him that I’m not lying. So that's what I've been trying to do.”

Rikichi chewed on his words for long seconds, brows furrowed. “Why doesn’t he believe you?”

“I don’t know! He thinks I’m just… mistaking stress and pressure for love or something.” He scoffed, “As if I’m _that_ lame.”

Rikichi stared at him, lifting his coffee to his lips.

He took a long, slow sip, still staring over the rim of the mug.

He lowered it and idly smacked his lips, eyes boring straight through Daichi’s skull.

Finally, Daichi relented. “Okay I _am_ that lame, shut _up_.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Rikichi chuckled and his mug clicked as he set it down on the table in front of him.

“So what are you going to do?”

Daichi groaned. “I don’t _know_. He’s driving me insane. This…” he hesitated, fully aware that he was about to get _soft_ in front of his dad, _again._ “This is the first time in a long time that I… I actually know exactly what I’m feeling.” He nibbled on his toast, cheeks warm as he stared off across the room. “I’ve never been so sure about something in my life. I like Suga. I lo—” His throat tightened and he cleared it to continue, cheeks now definitely on fire. “I’m _in love_ with him. And the stupid prick doesn’t even believe me. God I want to punch him.”

Rikichi laughed and reached over to grip Daichi’s shoulder in his giant hand.

“I’m proud of you,” he said, eyes reflecting tenderness that actually made Daichi’s stomach churn with nausea.

“Oh God. Don’t start with—”

“Baby,” Rikichi said, eyes glistening now with unshed tears. “Baby boy. You’re my baby boy and I’m so proud of you. I love you so much and—”

“Dad!” Daichi whined, hurriedly wiping his eyes when they stung. “Knock it off! You’re too old to be getting sentimental over every little thing!”

“It’s not a little thing!” Rikichi protested, wiping his eyes too. “You’re a big thing! The _biggest_ thing!”

“You tryna say somethin’ about my weight, old man?”

Rikichi laughed and cupped Daichi’s head in both of his hands, pulling him close to plant a hard kiss to his forehead.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he murmured, leaning their foreheads together. “You’re so smart and driven and I know you’ll figure this out. Koushi-kun isn’t an idiot. If he was smart enough to fall for you in the first place, then he’ll come around eventually.” He kissed his cheek this time and peered into his eyes, his still watery with tears. “I promise.”

“Thanks Dad…”

They stared at each other for another few seconds before Daichi finally groaned and gave him a light shove. “Okay, okay. I’m leaving before you can get sappier.”

“A wise choice.” Rikichi swiped a hand over Daichi’s hair. “Have a good day at school. And good luck on winning Koushi-kun’s heart!”

Daichi waved sheepishly and left the house, silently praying that Sugawara had left early in order to avoid him so they wouldn’t have to walk to the school together.

Daichi was feeling awkward too, after all. They had had a steamy make-out session just the night before and Sugawara had stormed off without an explanation and Daichi was feeling so awkward and confused and frustrated. What was Sugawara’s _deal_? Was this going to be a regular thing?

He knew he didn’t have much right to be angry about the situation. It was his fault that Sugawara was insecure in the first place. If Daichi had never rejected him, then Sugawara wouldn’t be flip-flopping like he was now.

It was Daichi’s fault.

The least he could do now was be patient while Sugawara was working through things.

Even if it made him feel a little sick to his stomach.

… he hoped that Sugawara had left early that morning.

That hope died as he was clicking the gate shut behind him and the sound of the gate next door clicked at the same time.

_Damn._

For once in his life, he wished they weren't so annoyingly in tune.

He was almost too scared to look. Almost. He glanced over and Sugawara looked back at him, cheeks pink.

They walked side by side and headed out for school, the space between their bodies unmatched by the space between their hearts.

_Damn._

Daichi stared straight ahead, hyper aware of the sound of his breathing, of his footsteps, of the blood rushing in his ears. It was so silent between them that every little sound felt louder than anything he had ever heard. The anticipation of conversation sat heavy in his stomach like a chunk of jagged ice and he hoped, silently, that Sugawara felt the same way and they would walk all the way to the school without saying a word.

Daichi didn’t know what to say anyway.

Mercifully, neither of them said a word for the majority of the journey. Not until they were just a block away from the school gate.

“My…”

Daichi flinched at the sound of Sugawara’s voice, anticipation dissolving into pulsing anxiety.

Sugawara cleared his throat. “My mom said you and your dad are welcome to spend the holiday with us. If you want.”

Daichi gulped. “We’re going to my grandparents’ house.”

“In Nagano?”

“Yeah. We’re leaving tomorrow morning.”

“Oh…”

“I’ll get back in time to go to the shrine,” Daichi said. “So don’t worry.”

“I wasn’t worrying,” he protested in a mumble. “You promised. Of course you’ll be there.”

Daichi glanced over at him.

He stared straight ahead, chin dipped down inside his blue scarf. His hands were shoved deep inside the pockets of his coat but when a breeze ruffled a lock of hair across his forehead, he pulled his right hand out to tuck it back into place.

Daichi’s eyes followed the course of his hand, stomach twisting with the desire to take it. He wanted to lace their fingers together, share their heat in the cold. They had both forgotten gloves, as usual, and Sugawara’s fingertips and knuckles were flushed red, bright in contrast to his usually pale skin.

Daichi wanted to warm him.

Sugawara caught his stare. He blinked, glancing down at his hand. His lips pursed and he dropped his arm to his side.

“What,” he murmured. “So you’re not going to force me to hold your hand today?”

Daichi’s chest tightened and he faced forward. His eyes stung and he shoved his hands deep inside the pockets of his coat.

“I don’t want to force you to do anything, Suga,” he said, voice rough. They passed through the school gate and he walked faster. “Since you hate it so much, I won’t touch you anymore.”

“Wait, I didn’t mea—”

“I’ll see you in class, Suga.” Daichi caught sight of Nakatani walking up ahead and jogged to catch up to him.

“Daichi! Wai—”

Daichi made it to Nakatani’s side, bumping him slightly with his shoulder.

“Hey, watch it,” he said with a yawn.

Daichi stared forward, swallowing hard. His eyes burned and he just wanted to turn around and go home. If it wasn’t the last day before break, he probably would. He would just ditch class and volleyball and go home and act like the baby he felt like he was in that moment and make his dad take care of him like he knew he would.

It was all so stupid.

“You okay Sawamura?” Nakatani asked.

“This sucks,” he whispered, reaching up to rub his eyes. “It sucks.”

Nakatani was silent and Daichi lowered his hand again, biting the inside of his cheek to keep the burning tears from blurring his vision.

Nakatani’s arm wrapped around his shoulders and he squeezed him.

“Yeah,” he mumbled. “It does, doesn’t it?”

* * *

“I thought you were on my side.”

The look Nakatani spared Sugawara lasted less than a second before he turned back to his food.

“There are no sides,” he said, tearing open the plastic around his yakisoba pan.

Sugawara sat across from him at the lunch table.

“Get used to that shitty feeling you’ve got right now." Nakatani gave him a dull side-eye before looking away again. "It’s not going anywhere until you realize that.”

Sugawara gulped and opened his bento.

“It’s just so… confusing,” he mumbled.

“What’s _confusing_ is that you’re somehow acting dumber than Sawamura.” Nakatani took a bite of his bread and stared across the cafeteria. “I thought that guy was peak stupid. Guess I was wrong. Because you're definitely winning the stupid race right now.”

Sugawara groaned and slumped over on one arm. “Why are you being so mean?” He peeked up at him. “You’re supposed to be the lighthearted and easygoing jackass who thinks of this all as one big entertaining game while we suffer!”

Nakatani met his eyes. “That’s what you think of me?”

Sugawara blinked. “I…”

Nakatani sucked in a slow breath and set his bread aside. He leaned on his elbows, staring down at his clasped hands for a long moment.

“Naoki I—”

“You know…”

Sugawara clamped his mouth shut and slowly sat up again.

Nakatani continued to stare at his hands. “It used to be pretty easy to think that this was _Sawamura’s_ problem. Looking at it from my perspective… all I saw was an oblivious guy who didn’t even realize that his feelings for his best friend were deeper than he thought they were.”

Sugawara gulped.

“It was funny. He clearly didn’t get it. He was dumb and confused and frustrated and it was fun poking him and teasing him and watching him get mad and more confused and more frustrated.” He hesitated, tapping his thumb against his knuckle. “But it’s not fun anymore.”

Nakatani met his eyes and Sugawara bit his bottom lip, gripping his chopsticks in his quivering hands.

“Now, Sawamura has done his part,” Nakatani went on. “He didn’t get it before. He was stupid and oblivious and that was hilarious. It was a little bit sad but it was hilarious. But now?” He let out a sigh and leaned back, shrugging. “He’s grown. He’s changed. He’s learned. In just a couple of months, he went from being an idiot who didn’t know jack shit about his own damn feelings to actually coming to terms with himself and making strides to fix his mistakes. But _you_?”

Sugawara winced.

“Man I don’t even _know_ what direction you’re moving.” Nakatani shook his head. “Backwards, downwards, I don’t know. All I know is that it’s _not_ forward. You're backpedaling _hard_ and it's getting kind of irritating to watch.” He held Sugawara’s gaze. “You’re a coward, Koushi. And I think you got too used to rejection. You got _comfortable_ with it. It was easier for you to accept rejection before things even got started than to get your hopes up, make it far, and then fail when it counted most. But dude…” He let out an exasperated breath. “This isn’t fucking volleyball.”

Tears stung Sugawara’s eyes.

“Don’t lose in the first round just because you’re scared of facing stronger teams.” Nakatani shrugged again, looking off across the cafeteria. “I’ve been rooting for you guys… as a _unit_ , since the beginning. That’s why I was ‘ _on your side_.’” He made air quotes. “But Sawamura is making an honest effort at being with you, like you wanted, and you’re… what? You’re sabotaging yourself. Because you’re a fucking coward.”

He gathered up his lunch and stood.

“So, nah, I don’t think there are sides. But if there were, I’m not on yours. Not anymore.” He took a step back, holding Sugawara’s stare. “Man, figure it out. Before you lose him completely. Again.”

He turned and headed across the cafeteria, leaving Sugawara alone with his shame.

_Coward._

Sugawara rubbed the heels of his hands in his eyes, trying to wipe away the sting.

Nakatani was the last person he wanted to hear that from.

* * *

Daichi clenched his jaw and glared at Asahi.

He stood at the top of the stairwell outside of the club room, blocking Daichi's path.

"Get out of my way," Daichi said, voice low.

Asahi visibly gulped and shook his head, loose hair swaying over his shoulders.

"Go back and talk to him," he said, and his voice didn't even quiver.

Daichi sighed and took a step forward, but the movement didn't intimidate him into backing down. Instead, he squared his feet on the top step and spread his arms out wide, chin lifting.

"Asahi..."

"Go talk to him," Asahi commanded again, even stronger this time. "You were both completely off your game in practice today. We can't have you acting this way during Nationals. So... whatever you need to say or do... go say or do it."

"There's nothing left to say or do," Daichi said, even though he didn't believe it. Didn't _want_ to believe it. "I've said everything I needed to say. It's... up to him to figure out what to do with it."

" _Bullshit."_

Daichi blinked, surprise flitting through him at the harshness of Asahi's tone. Had... had he ever heard Asahi use that tone of voice off of the volleyball court? Directed at _Daichi_ no less?

"As if you'd be satisfied with that," Asahi said, lips curling down into a scowl that looked way too natural on his face. "Captain Daichi, who always takes everything onto his own shoulders is letting _Sugawara Koushi_ make the decisions regarding his future? C'mon, Daichi. Don't make me laugh."

Daichi was almost impressed. Asahi had never had the balls to talk to him like this in the past. He was acting like... well... like an _ace_.

_Creepy_.

It was definitely creepy.

Asahi's cheeks flushed and his arms dipped slightly. "Why are you looking at me like that? Stop... stop it. You're making me feel bad."

Daichi snorted. "Ah, there he is."

"Who?"

"Coward Asahi."

"Hey..."

"Get out of my way," Daichi said again, moving another step forward. "I gotta get home and finish packing for my trip."

"Daichi..." Asahi tensed, clearly struggling not to back down. "This... this is important. You're not the only ones being affected. The whole team can feel how off you guys are."

"I'm sorry," Daichi said. "I promise it won't be like that at Nationals. I'll play my best."

"Bullshit!"

Daichi stared at him, shocked yet again by the sternness in his voice.

Asahi huffed and lowered his arms to his sides. "I _hate_ this." He reached up and touched his hair with a quivering hand, staring out over the side of the balcony. "This is our last year! We only have so much time left together and... I hate that you're spending it this way!"

Daichi blinked, a flush of uncomfortable guilt washing through him at the unhappy expression that crossed his face.

"We've worked so hard," Asahi went on. "Over the past three years we've busted our asses and are _finally_ going to Nationals. This is our _last_ chance to play together in _this_ team. With you and me and Suga and Noya and Tanaka and..." He gulped, eyes lowering. "I get it. More than anybody else, probably... I get it. When I almost quit the team for good... I felt awful. The worst I've ever felt in my life. And I regret _every day_ that I ditched club."

Daichi's heart strained and he fought the urge to give his cowardly but somehow extremely courageous ace a hug.

"I don't want you guys to feel the same way that I did," he said, voice a low mumble. "We're finally going to Nationals. It's our last chance to do this together. And I don't want either of you to regret a single second of it because you were off your game over something like _this_." He gestured at Daichi. "Whether you like it or not, we're in this together so get your ass back there and _talk to him_."

Daichi stared at him silently.

"Or..." Asahi's eyes darted off to the side. "Or else I'll... ki-kick your a-ass."

Sputtering laughter burst from Daichi's mouth and he punched Asahi's shoulder, making him stumble slightly and grip the balcony railing.

"Ow," he murmured, rubbing his shoulder and giving Daichi a wary side-eye.

"Ahhh... I can't believe Cowardly Asahi just gave me a lecture," Daichi said, head dropping back. "What has the world come to?"

"That's my line," Asahi muttered. "You're the one fighting with your soulmate. As if you guys aren't destined to be together eventually anyway. Spare us the dramatics and just get on with it already, would you?"

_Soulmate..._

Daichi lowered his eyes to his feet.

"Do you... really think that?"

Asahi was silent for a moment before he answered, voice gentle. "Yeah, man. We all do."

Daichi gulped and rubbed his eyes.

_Me too._

He let out a loud sigh and dropped his hand. "Fine. Since Cowardly Asahi actually went out of his way to grow balls just to lecture me, I guess I have to do what he says."

Asahi gave him a tired look. "You know you could just say _sure_ and leave it at that."

"I'm not sure I could, actually," Daichi said and turned back in the direction of the club room. 

"Yeah... probably not."

Daichi smiled. "See you in the New Year, Asahi."

"See you."

He glanced over his shoulder and watched as Asahi turned and finally headed down the stairs, shoulders slumping and a large cloud of breath fogging from his mouth and dissipating around his head.

He was right.

Though he'd never say it out loud, Daichi knew Asahi was right. He and Sugawara couldn't afford to act like this at Nationals. They needed to figure it out before then, even if it killed them.

Then again, being dead might actually exacerbate the issue, now that he thought about it.

He gave himself a second to suck in a deep breath outside of the club room door before he reached for the handle and pushed it open.

Yelling greeted him.

"— _so hard that you swallow your tongue you son of a—_ "

"Oh my god _finally_."

Daichi blinked.

In the center of the club room, Sugawara was stretched out flat on his stomach, arms and legs flailing. Sitting on his back was Tanaka, legs crossed, one of his hands buried in the back of Sugawara's hair, holding his face down to the floor. The other was braced against the back of his left thigh, fingers bunched in the fabric of his pants.

"About time!" Tanaka said and stood, moving quickly out of the way to avoid Sugawara's swipe at his ankles. "Took Asahi-san long enough!" He straightened his coat with a scowl and grabbed his bag off of the floor. He looked at Daichi as he passed him, one hand slapping his shoulder. "Good luck, Captain!"

Tanaka left the room, pulling the door shut behind him.

Daichi turned to Sugawara, who panted into the floor, arms quivering when he tried to push up on them.

"He used to be such a respectful kouhai," Sugawara growled and struggled shakily to his knees.

His hair and clothes were a mess and he took a moment to smooth them, not meeting Daichi's eyes.

And what was Daichi supposed to say?

He felt like a broken record at this point. How many more times could he tell Sugawara that he was in love with him, that he wanted to be his boyfriend, before Sugawara actually believed the sincerity in his words?

Daichi thought he had already said it all.

Sugawara had to have heard it _all_ at this point.

So what was he supposed to do?

Convince him?

_How?_

What more could Daichi _do_?

"I don't hate it."

Sugawara's voice cut through the silence and Daichi gulped down the sour indecision that had worked its way into his mouth.

"Huh?"

Sugawara sat on his heels and stared at the floor, fingers picking at each other in his lap.

"Holding your hand and stuff," he mumbled. "I don't hate it."

Daichi rubbed his sweaty palms on the thighs of his pants, eyes darting to Sugawara's hands. "But you don't _like_ it."

" _Stupid_." Sugawara huffed and turned his head away, staring across the room. " _Of course_ I like it. I've wanted to hold your hand since we were kids. How could I possibly _not_ like it when we do it now?"

"Then... why..."

"It's confusing!"

Daichi closed his mouth and stared at the back of Sugawara's head. The shell of his ear was bright red where it poked out from between his hair.

"It's so confusing," he repeated. "How can you just _change your mind?_ I don't get how it's possible and... all this time I've convinced myself that it's _not_ possible and you're trying to tell me that it _is_? What the hell is that?"

Daichi slowly removed his bag and set it to the side before lowering to his knees on the floor.

"I don't know..." he mumbled. "You think I understand this stuff? This is the first time I've actually felt this way so I'm even more lost than you are."

"That too!" Sugawara still didn't look at him, but he did turn his head, eyes locked on the wall off to the left of where Daichi was sitting. "You've never even had a crush or been in love with someone so what makes you think that that's what you're feeling now?"

Daichi didn't reply.

How did he know?

He... didn't, maybe.

But he _did_.

Somehow, he felt so, _so_ sure of himself and these feelings. Maybe he didn't know _exactly_ what emotion swelled up inside him when he looked at Sugawara, when he held his hand or kissed him or just basked in his presence. He couldn't tell for sure what the name of that emotion was, but it felt good. And it felt right.

And he wanted to feel it more.

And more.

And _more_.

Isn't that love?

"I like how I feel when I'm with you," he said, voice soft. "Isn't that enough?"

" _No_."

Daichi paused, staring at him in surprise.

Sugawara finally looked at him, brows furrowed miserably.

"That's _not_ enough," he said. "I liked how I felt when I was kissing Yoshida... and Naoki. But that wasn't _love_."

"You can't compare us to them—"

" _Can't_ I?" Sugawara reached up and pushed his hair back from his eyes. "Why not?"

"Because you and I are best friends and—"

"Yeah, we are, so what's so special about you liking how you feel when we're together?" He looked away again. "We're best friends, so yeah, you _should_ feel good when you're with me. If feeling good around me is new then why the hell have you stayed with me all these years?"

"It's not new..."

Sugawara rubbed his eyes. "Then what's the deal, Daichi? Please make me understand."

But Daichi didn't understand either.

_I'm in love with Suga._

_I know I am._

So why was it so hard to express it in a way that Sugawara could believe?

"I'm _scared_ ," Sugawara whispered.

And the soft tremble to his words made Daichi hurt from his head to his toes.

"It was so hard," he continued. "But I finally accepted your rejection and then I... I got comfortable in it. It's the same every time." He slipped onto his bottom and hugged his knees to his chest, hiding his face in them. "I'm scared of failure and rejection so I hide in the shadow and get comfortable there. It's the same when Kageyama joined our club and unseated me as the starting setter. I... don't want to fail."

_Me_ _neither..._

"But this isn't volleyball." Sugawara lifted his head again. "Even though I understand that... I'm _scared._ I'm being unreasonable and I'm running away. And I can't just _decide_ to buck up, toss some balls to Asahi in a practice match, and _feel better._ Not this time."

"If only," Daichi murmured.

Sugawara sniffled. "I _want_ to believe you. I really do. I don't think you want to hurt me. At least... I hope you don't."

"I don't—"

"But I just don't understand. And I _doubt_. I doubt that you actually feel the way about me that you think you do. And I'm scared to accept it because if you reject me later, it's going to be worse. So, _so_ much worse. Between this rejection, which I've gotten comfortable with, and _that_ rejection... I prefer this one."

Silence spread through the room.

And Daichi could understand him. He could. He believed he could.

The things that Sugawara was saying... they made sense to him.

But it only made it more difficult for Daichi to come up with a solution.

"Describe it to me," he finally said.

Sugawara peeked over his knees at him.

"The difference between being in love with someone and _not_ being in love with them," Daichi said. "Describe it to me."

Sugawara released a soft sigh and lifted his head. He rubbed his eyes. "It's not something you can just describe..."

"Try. Please."

Sugawara looked at him with an exhausted expression.

"It's like..." He hesitated, opening one hand and staring down at his palm. "It's like having a knife in your hand..." His brows furrowed and he chewed on his bottom lip. "And knowing that the only way to be with someone is to put the blade to your skin and slice it open." He sniffled again and swept the hand up and over his hair. "It's scary. It's painful. You can't force yourself to do it for just _anyone_. But for that certain person... you can. And you do. Again... and again... and again. Without hesitation."

Daichi watched him lower his gaze once more, fingers knotted in the hair at the back of his head.

And all he wanted to do was wipe that unhappy expression from his face.

"Sounds terrible," Daichi said. "How is that love? Hurting yourself for someone else? That's some hardcore sad boy shit."

Sugawara sighed. "No it's... I don't mean _literally_. It's like—"

"If that's what it takes, then just give me a knife. I'll stab myself in the leg right this fuckin' second."

Sugawara let out a laugh and pushed his fingers into his eyes. "No... I don't mean it like that. It's not the pain or the knife... I mean..." He groaned. "The effort! The willingness!"

"I just said I'm willing to stab myself right? So let's get it over with then—"

"Daichi!" Sugawara let his legs drop down on the floor and he gave him a glare. "Forget the shitty metaphor! There are no knives involved in love!"

"I dunno, I hear some people are really into that kink."

Sugawara leaned over and slapped his shoulder. "Don't talk to me about kinks, Bitch," he growled. "I'm the _kinkiest_."

Daichi grinned and caught his hand, holding tight when he tried to pull away. He gazed into his bloodshot eyes for long seconds until Sugawara looked away with a gulp.

"I get it," Daichi murmured, turning Sugawara's hand over and stroking his thumb along his palm. "If you're in love with someone, you're willing to go to the extreme for them."

"Yeah..." Sugawara mumbled.

"And maybe it's not as crazy as stabbing myself," Daichi said, drawing his eyes. "But _I_ think it's pretty extreme that we're risking Nationals like this."

Sugawara was silent.

Daichi tugged on his hand and scooted closer to him, slowly closing some of the distance between them.

"I could have let it go. At least until after we came back." He reached up and tenderly brushed his fingers across Sugawara's cheek. "We can't afford this. Not now." His voice lowered to a whisper. "But here I am anyway... trying to ruin our friendship. Putting it all on the line."

Sugawara's eyelids lowered over his hazy eyes, lips parting. He didn't pull away when Daichi moved closer to him, releasing his hand in order to slide his palm across his side to the small of his back.

"Maybe I don't know shit about being in love," Daichi murmured, strengthening his grip on his back and pulling him forwards as he loomed over him. "I'm inexperienced. I'm stupid. And I've never thought long and hard about what it means." Daichi tugged again and Sugawara's hips slid under him, his torso resting back on the floor. Daichi braced himself on one hand and leaned over him, nudging his legs apart to kneel between them. "But I _do_ know that every time I look at you... I want to do _this_."

He leaned down and pressed his lips gently to the side of Sugawara's neck, feeling his pulse fluttering beneath the surface of his skin.

Putting just a tiny bit of space between them, he said, "I do know that I go hot just by looking your direction." He kissed his neck again. "I know that you're the first person who has made me think about things I've never thought about before." His lips trailed up and along his jaw to his ear. "Things like... how thin are the walls of my bedroom?" He grazed Sugawara's earlobe with his teeth. "And... do you have beauty marks in other places? Places I haven't looked?" He rose over him and met his glazed stare. "Will the thin walls of my bedroom be enough to muffle the sounds you make when I go on a search for them?"

A ragged breath fled Sugawara's mouth and feathered Daichi's throat.

"Maybe I don't know shit about what it means to be in love..." Daichi murmured. "But I do know that you make me wanna find out."

Sugawara's eyebrows furrowed and a sheen of moisture filled his eyes.

"Not fair," he whispered. "That's not fair."

"Yeah." Daichi dipped close. "I'm not playing fair anymore."

He kissed him, softly at first, until he felt Sugawara's fingers sink into the hair at the back of his head. Once he had that silent consent, he let his body press down into his, shivering at the connection.

He'd never get used to the feeling. Sugawara felt good against him. And he kissed him back, head lifting off of the floor to meet his mouth, lips parting and warm breath spreading over his skin. Daichi thrust his tongue into his mouth and smoothed his palm down over Sugawara's side to his hip. His fingers slipped under his jacket and t-shirt and he probed upwards to grip at his waist and pull him closer.

His warm, smooth skin felt soft under Daichi's calloused hand and he pushed his fingers harder over his ribs, causing him to wiggle in response, hips bucking gently into his.

Sugawara's hands coasted down from the back of his head and gripped at the lapels of Daichi's coat. His fingers caught the zipper and forced it down, opening it all the way. Daichi slanted their mouths together, releasing a low moan when Sugawara's hands thrust inside his coat and pawed at his chest, and then down his sides. He dragged him against him and ground his hips upwards, sending hot frustration shooting through Daichi's lower body.

" _Haah_..." Sugawara's head dropped back, eyes squeezed shut, and he panted, knees lifting up on either side of Daichi's hips.

And this definitely wasn't good.

Because Daichi's hands wanted to roam and explore, like his lips now were, nipping and tasting all the way down the side of his throat to his collar. He wanted to strip him of his clothes and memorize every dip and curve and line of his body.

Nobody was around. They had all gone home. It was late and the chances that they would be found were slim to none. Not even the sensei that usually stayed late would still be around at this hour.

There was nobody to stop them from going further.

Daichi released a shuddering breath against the fabric of Sugawara's shirt.

He could...

_I could..._

Daichi's fingers coasted down over the front of Sugawara's pants, tracing the hard outline of the erection underneath.

A hissing breath sucked through Sugawara's teeth and his whole body tensed.

_No... no._

_Don't pull away now..._

Daichi desperately kissed the side of his throat, trembling from the need to take it further, to not let it end yet...

_Not yet._

He stroked over his pants again, harder this time. Sugawara's knees clenched around Daichi's hips and his breath turned shallow, fingers digging into Daichi's shoulders.

"Dai-"

Daichi closed his mouth over his, cutting him off.

Of course he would stop if he asked.

Of course.

But he hoped he wouldn't.

He prayed he wouldn't.

Sugawara broke away. "Daichi..."

Daichi attempted to kiss him again, prevent him from saying any more, but Sugawara turned his head to the side, avoiding his lips.

"I just need to think," he said, voice rising to cut through the haze that clouded Daichi's mind.

Daichi stilled, blinking rapidly to clear his eyes and focus.

"I need to think," Sugawara repeated, softer this time. His hands left Daichi's shoulders and he peeked up at him.

His hair was a mess and his cheeks were pink, lips pinker. Daichi wanted to kiss him again, ravage him until he forgot _how_ to think. Until the only thing in his head was _yes, yes, yes._

Daichi gulped and reluctantly sat back, pushing away and flopping down on his bottom. Sugawara scooted away and sat up as well, quivering hands reaching up to smooth back his hair. He breathed deeply and avoided Daichi's stare, eyelashes fluttering.

"Let me think," Sugawara whispered. "Just a little while longer."

Daichi didn't reply. He bent his knees and folded his arms on top of them, watching as Sugawara climbed unsteadily to his feet and gathered up his things. He pulled his coat on and buttoned it to the neck before hurriedly wrapping his scarf around his throat and draping his bag over his shoulder.

He hesitated for a moment once he was dressed, casting a look in Daichi's direction. Daichi remained where he was, willing his heart rate to slow to a reasonable speed once more.

He couldn't formulate anything to say. Disappointment and frustration warred within him. Part of him wanted to be childish, to pout and complain over his rejected hormones.

Another part of him wanted to cry, so tired of this back and forth at which his heart was being flung.

The final part of him meekly reminded the other parts that it was his fault that this was even happening in the first place. 

The other parts shut up.

Sugawara hesitantly moved in the direction of the door.

"Have..." he said. "Have a safe trip to Nagano..."

He left before Daichi could answer.

When the door clicked softly shut once more, Daichi let out a long sigh and flopped onto his back. He stared up at the ceiling of the club room, entire body tingling with the leftover arousal and stinging disappointment of sexual rejection.

_Just a while longer._

Daichi closed his eyes.

He could do that.

He could give Sugawara a little while longer to think.

Even though every second... the knife in his hand made yet another cut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter than it was going to be because I decided that the scene that was going to be at the end actually flowed much better if it was the first scene of next chapter <3  
> The talk in the club room was a last minute scene I threw in there in order to beef it up enough to accommodate the change so hopefully it doesn't feel out of place or weird!
> 
> Wow, we are almost at the end! Is everyone ready for the final two chapters? (that i actually need to finish writing because i've been putting it off this whole time oh no how am i supposed to end it send help)
> 
> Thank you for reading! I hope you're still enjoying the story even though it's the same old same old back and forth with these dummies. We love them anyway though.... right?
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=EvNu2ml4RyiX5jHn6ga7CA)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> Control Freak


	15. Without interrupting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moods:  
> [Leaving It Up to You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ7R5rfyCAs)  
> "To see you again, to be your friend, to hold you in my mind  
> Leaving it up, leaving it up, leaving it up  
> Leaving it up to you"
> 
> [Silence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7t4qnH8tpd4)  
> "Waiting  
> Know that I'll always be waiting  
> Do you believe what I'm saying? (no)  
> I'm in no hurry  
> Everybody's looking for love to start a riot  
> But every time I look in your eyes  
> The world gets quiet"

The holidays crept by at a snail’s pace.

It wasn’t the first time Daichi had gone to spend a week with his relatives, but it _had_ been a long while and Sugawara wasn’t used to not seeing nor talking to him for several days at a time. Even over the course of the past few months that they had been fighting, Sugawara still got to see him.

He still talked to him, even when he was trying not to.

Even when it devolved into just another fight.

But over the days that Daichi spent in Nagano with his family, there was radio silence.

He was hurt.

He had to be hurt.

By Sugawara’s inconsistency and cowardice… he _must_ be hurt.

How was Sugawara so _bad_ at this?

He had spent the majority of his short life so far daydreaming about how he was going to make his eventual love relationship with Daichi a reality and what was he doing now?

He was, as Nakatani had said, _sabotaging himself_.

“Stupid! So stupid, stupid, stupid!”

Sugawara pounded his face into his pillow, laid out flat on his stomach in bed.

At least the days apart had given him time to think.

He still had doubts. He still couldn’t wrap his head around Daichi’s sudden U-turn into claiming to be in love with him. He couldn’t.

Maybe he was just really stupid.

Or maybe Nakatani was right. Maybe he _had_ gotten comfortable with rejection. It made sense to him, in a way. Accepting the rejection he’d already been given was far less scary than letting his hopes get high just to be brought crashing back down later when Daichi changed his mind _again_.

But what was Sugawara supposed to do about that? He couldn’t just _stop_ feeling the way he felt. He couldn’t tell himself to get over it, to be happy, to put his fears behind him. He couldn’t do that. He wasn’t strong enough.

Even if he _was_ stronger, he wasn’t convinced that sort of super power even existed in the first place. If it did, surely Asahi would have already found a way to acquire it to overcome his own anxieties. Sugawara had caught him looking up “can courage be given through osmosis” once, for god’s sake.

If the super power to just _get over_ his anxiety existed, surely he would have found it by now.

He sighed and peeked at the screen of his phone, but there was no new message.

Daichi had messaged him late last night when he returned from Nagano to tell him that he would just meet him at the shrine in the morning and Sugawara was _still_ cringing from the sting in his chest over the realization that he didn’t want to walk together.

_Ouch._

_Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch._

He hadn’t even acknowledged Sugawara’s “happy birthday” message.

Maybe that was evidence that it hadn’t been happy.

Sugawara wondered if either of them would _ever_ be happy again. It felt like he was in a suspended state of misery, just waiting for the next blow to knock him down.

Worst part was that it was self-inflicted. Sugawara’s stupidity was largely to blame for all of the misery in his life and he couldn’t even muster the strength to do anything about it.

_Stupid._

_Loser._

Sugawara checked the time on his phone. It was still an hour before he and the others had planned to meet but… he supposed there was no harm in taking a walk around the block a few times before making his way over.

All he knew was that he couldn’t stand to spend another second moping in bed.

He finally rolled out from under his covers and got bundled up in warm clothes before the chill of the air could freeze him to his core. Downstairs, he waved away Kumi’s offer of breakfast and hooked Buckwheat’s leash to his collar in the genkan.

“I thought you were meeting at nine-thirty,” Souta said from up the hallway when Sugawara attempted to wrap a scarf around Buckwheat’s neck, dodging the dog’s happy licks.

“I’m gonna take Bucky for a walk first,” he said, not meeting his eyes.

“Dad already took him on his morning walk.”

“It’s more for me than him.”

Souta hummed and Sugawara avoided looking at him when he stepped near, looming over him.

“You seem nervous,” he said, voice low.

“No.”

“Is Dai-kun causing problems again?”

“Again?” Sugawara snorted. “Did he ever stop?”

He regretted saying it immediately. Souta’s socked toes started to tap the floor in that irritated way.

“I’m just kidding,” he said, standing to face him.

Souta’s eyebrows were low, lips twisted in a pinched sneer.

“I’m getting real sick and tired of that guy,” he muttered.

“I was kidding. Everything is fine.”

“Everything is not fine. You think I can’t tell?”

Sugawara flinched. “Okay. But this time… it’s not his fault.”

“Then whose fault is it?”

“Mine.”

Souta fell silent, some of the irritation dropping away from his expression. He eyed him quietly, gaze dipping down to where Sugawara clenched the end of Buckwheat’s leash in his trembling hand.

Souta reached out and pressed his hand to Sugawara’s forehead.

“What are you doing?”

“It’s rare for you to take responsibility for your actions,” he said. “Just makin’ sure you’re not sick.”

Sugawara groaned and punched his stomach. Souta barely flinched from the blow.

“Don’t be mean to me,” Sugawara pouted. “I take responsibility lots of times!”

“Bullshit. You always blame it on someone else, usually Dai-kun, and then wait for it to blow over.”

“No I don’t!”

“Don’t you?”

Sugawara stared up at him for a few silent seconds before looking away, chin lifting.

“Well. Not enough for it to be a surprise when I don’t.”

Souta snorted and swept his hand up and over his hair, ruffling it affectionately.

“I can’t believe you’re actually growing up,” he said, hint of amusement in his voice. “Are you really going to fight a battle on your own for once?”

“Oh fuck off,” Sugawara smiled and pushed his hand away. “I only let you fight a tiny _fraction_ of my battles for me.”

“How many fuckin’ battles you gettin’ into?”

Sugawara winked and turned for the door. “More than you can count!”

Souta huffed.

“Bye! We’ll be back later!” Sugawara pushed out of the house, Buckwheat eagerly tugging on his leash.

He tried not to look at the Sawamura house, but couldn’t stop his eyes from darting in its direction. Luckily it was completely still and silent, Daichi nowhere to be seen. Sugawara pulled his scarf up over his chin and swiftly led Buckwheat up the sidewalk and past the house, but he didn’t relax until he had turned the corner.

He locked his eyes on Buckwheat’s wagging golden tail in front of him. The dog knew their usual path and walked it with confidence, allowing Sugawara to withdraw into his thoughts.

Five minutes passed before Buckwheat dragged him back out with a happy bark and yank to his left, off the sidewalk and into the grass of the park across which they were walking.

“Whoa.” Sugawara stumbled. “Bucky what—”

The sound of a laugh drew his eyes up.

Ikejiri sat on a bench in front of them, smiling as he patted Buckwheat’s head with a gloved hand.

“Hayato?” Sugawara blinked.

Ikejiri smiled at him. “Hey Suga, long time, no see.”

Sugawara sat next to him. “Yeah, hey… what are you doing out here?”

“Mom’s got me running errands. What about you?”

Sugawara hummed and clasped his hands in his lap, lowering his eyes to Buckwheat, who had his head on Ikejiri’s knee, soaking up his attention with a blissed out expression.

“I’m going to meet up with Daichi and the others at the shrine in a bit.”

“Meet up? Don’t you guys live right next door though? Why don’t you just go together?”

Sugawara crossed his ankles and dipped his chin inside his scarf.

“It’s complicated…”

“Complicated,” Ikejiri sounded perplexed. “What is?”

“Us.”

“Impossible.”

Sugawara peeked up at him. He gave him a confused but gentle smile.

“For as long as I’ve known you two, complicated is the opposite of what you’ve been.”

“Yeah well…” Sugawara rubbed his eyes. “You don’t know all the shit that’s gone down in the past two months.”

“Oh? Other than preparing for Nationals, you bastard?”

Sugawara chuckled ruefully and dropped his hand.

“Yeah, other than that. Preparing for Nationals has been the _least_ of my worries lately, somehow.”

“Impossible.”

Sugawara stared off across the park with a sigh. His breath clouded around his face and quickly dissipated in the freezing air.

“Hey Hayato,” he said after a moment.

“Hm?”

“Remember when I kissed you?”

Ikejiri immediately started stammering and blubbering, hands popping into the air in defense.

Sugawara couldn’t help but laugh at his flustered reaction, reaching out to poke at his suddenly tomato red cheeks.

“Ah, I was right,” he giggled. “You’re still so funny to bully.”

Ikejiri cleared his throat and patted Buckwheat’s head again when the dog grew restless without the constant affection.

“I… I re-remember,” he finally managed to say, a small crack to his voice.

Sugawara grinned but it slowly slipped away. He cleared his throat and said, “When I did it… what did you feel?”

“Terrified.”

Sugawara snorted and stretched his legs out in front of him. “Yeah, I know, Virgin.”

“You say that like you’re _not_ a virgin.”

“Shuddup.”

“I knew it.”

Sugawara elbowed him and went on, “I mean other than that. Like… we were friends. And I’m a good kisser, right? So did you feel… anything? Any stirrings inside you that made you maybe question your sexuality or something?”

Ikejiri was silent for a moment. When he answered, his voice wasn’t as meek and nervous as Sugawara expected.

“Nope. Don’t think so.”

Sugawara glanced at him.

Ikejiri hummed. “No offense. It’s not you. I just… I’m straight. So it was mostly just terrifying.”

Sugawara chuckled again. “Sorry.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I get it. Can’t back down from a dare.”

“Uhm, excuse you, it was a _double dog dare_. Even more binding than a normal one.”

“Ah, of course, how could I forget?”

Sugawara fiddled with one of the buttons on his coat, chewing on his words in contemplation.

“Why’re you asking this all of a sudden?” Ikejiri said. He leaned forward slightly to peer into Sugawara’s face. His cheeks and nose were flushed pink and Sugawara found comfort in the familiar sight of his freckles and kind eyes.

“I’m just curious,” Sugawara mumbled. “Was wondering if my kiss was so good that it had the power to convert straight guys.”

Sugawara could see the question clearly in his eyes.

He decided to cut him some slack and answer it before he could even ask.

“I confessed to Daichi a while ago.”

Ikejiri’s brows shot up his forehead. “Wow! Oh! Uh… I always kind of suspected you had a thing for him but… wow. Cool.”

Sugawara smiled. Flustered Ikejiri was cute.

He itched to bully him.

“It’s not that cool,” he admitted, putting aside the desire to make fun of him. “He rejected me immediately.”

_“Huh? Seriously?”_ His hand stilled on Buckwheat’s head, earning him a paw to the crotch. He winced and placed the leg back on the ground, continuing his patting.

Sugawara sighed. “Yeah. I was rejected. It hurt a lot. I wanted to die.”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay. We… went through a rough patch. It was awkward and we fought a lot and I cried a _lot_ and it sucked really bad. But, we made up. And we were good for a bit.” He pursed his lips. “And then suddenly, out of nowhere, Daichi kissed me. And now he’s insisting that he’s in love with me. And I dunno. I don’t really know how to feel about it. I don’t understand how he just… changed his mind.”

The corner of Ikejiri’s lips tugged up. “And you thought maybe you accidentally converted him with a kiss?”

“Well, I’m a great kisser. You know that.”

“I actually _don’t_ know that. I was so terrified that I blacked out for the entire duration of ours.”

Sugawara leaned towards him. “Wanna do-over?”

“No thank you!” Ikejiri squeaked and threw his hands up again to protect himself.

Sugawara giggled and leaned back. “Okay, okay, I’m done sexually harassing you.”

“Thank you…”

They sat in silence for a minute, each watching Buckwheat snap to attention as he spotted a squirrel nearby. Sugawara unclipped his leash and gave his rump a little pat. He bolted in the squirrel’s direction, giving an excited _woof!_ when it shot up a tree. Buckwheat circled the trunk of the tree, staring up into the branches with tail wagging wildly.

“Do you…” Ikejiri broke the silence after a moment of watching the dog. “Do you remember that time in junior high when Sawamura’s parents had that huge fight?”

Sugawara’s stomach twisted. He knew exactly what he was referring to.

Of course he remembered.

He had heard it from his house.

The entire _block_ could hear Daichi’s mother yelling, berating her husband with cruel words and flung insults.

Sugawara remembered sitting straight up in bed in a cold sweat after that first scream, woken from a dead sleep. He had listened in frozen terror for minutes that felt like hours until he heard the familiar _thump_ out on his balcony. Daichi had slipped into his room in nothing but a pair of shorts.

Sugawara remembered feeling the way his entire body shuddered and shivered when he had crawled into bed with him and curled into his side, burying his face under his pillow. Sugawara had drawn the blanket up over both of them and joined him under the pillow, creating a barrier between them and the fight. He had wrapped his arms around him and held him the entire night, neither of them sleeping a wink, until morning finally rolled around and Rikichi showed up to fetch him.

Sugawara remembered, with a sting in his eyes, how Rikichi had hugged Daichi tight and whispered, “ _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_ ,” over and over and over again with so much desperation that the instant they left Sugawara had run straight back up to his room to cry.

Yeah... Sugawara remembered.

“It was the first time I ever saw him waver,” Ikejiri said. “He always seemed so steadfast and powerful to me. Like nothing could shake him. But then that happened, and it was the first time he looked like… like he didn’t know what to do. About _anything_.”

Sugawara looked at him in the corner of his eye.

“Before that, we all knew that he was going to be the captain the next year in club. But then when that happened, I honestly wasn’t so sure.” Ikejiri scratched the side of his neck, watching Buckwheat place his front paws on the tree and lean up towards the branches. “But of course I shouldn’t have doubted him,” he chuckled. “Nothing could keep that guy from being our fearless leader.”

Sugawara smiled.

“But I think I learned a lot about him from that one experience,” Ikejiri said. “I thought he was unshakeable. But turns out, it was only on the volleyball court where he couldn’t be shaken.” He lowered his eyes. “Turns out… he was just a kid, like the rest of us.”

Sugawara rubbed his eyes, heart aching in his chest.

“You should probably cut him some slack,” Ikejiri said, and Sugawara met his stare. “Maybe it took him a while to figure out how he feels about you, but I don’t think his lateness is a lack of sincerity or some kind of trick. I think it’s exactly what it looks like on the surface.”

Sugawara sniffled. “Are you saying that… that Daichi is a himbo?”

Ikejiri’s eyes widened and he sputtered with laughter.

“I mean,” Sugawara went on. “He’s hot but he’s dumb. That’s what you’re saying, aren’t you?”

“I didn’t say he’s dumb!” Ikejiri pushed his shoulder. “He’s just a little slow when it comes to this type of stuff! I think it takes longer for him to process the sort of things that…” he hesitated, brows twisting. “The sort of things that can’t be solved with a change of play or saved by a quick receive. The kind of complicated things from within like how to feel about your parents arguing or about your best friend confessing his love for you out of the blue.”

Sugawara rubbed his eyes and sighed. “Yeah… maybe you’ve got a point. He’s the worst when it comes to stuff that can’t be scared or tricked into submission.”

Ikejiri chuckled. “Yeah… I’d cut him some slack. With all the other stuff weighing on his mind, of course it’d take him a little while for his body to remember that _romance_ is a thing that exists and is a possibility for him.”

Sugawara groaned, head dropping back. “Uggghhhh I hate how much sense you make. Wimpy Hayato giving me sage advice, I wanna _die_.”

Ikejiri laughed and pushed his shoulder. “Man you’re still a dick, as always. That cute face is _wasted_ on you.”

“Oh you think I’m cute?” Sugawara smirked at him and batted his eyelashes. “So you want a do-over for that kiss after all huh?” He puckered his lips.

Ikejiri laughed and leapt to his feet. “Never! I don’t want to be on Sawamura’s hit list.”

“He doesn’t need to know!” Sugawara sang.

“I gotta go,” Ikejiri said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’ll see you around Suga. Good luck with Sawamura. Oh, and Nationals I guess. I’m rooting for you guys.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Sugawara sat there for another couple of minutes before checking his phone and seeing that it was nearly nine. After whistling for Buckwheat, he hooked up his leash and led the dog back home, this time not looking at the Sawamura house when he passed. He merely dropped Buckwheat off and then left once more. He was still about half an hour early but just couldn’t wait any longer.

He should have known he wouldn’t have been the only one.

“Oh.”

Sugawara, Daichi, and Asahi all stared at each other in mild surprise at the temple steps.

Asahi gave a little laugh, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Oh good,” he said. “So I’m not the only one who was restless?”

“I’ve been out since eight-thirty,” Sugawara admitted, trying to mask his sudden nervousness at seeing Daichi again with a sheepish grin.

“I’ve been out since seven,” Asahi said.

“Always gotta one-up me, don’t you?”

Daichi hummed, looking around. “Looks like Shimizu isn’t here yet. Should we get some coffee while we wait?”

“God yes,” Sugawara turned immediately for the stand selling hot drinks a short distance away. “I barely slept at _all_ last night.”

“Same,” Asahi said, falling in step with him.

“I had a shit dream,” Daichi muttered.

They all stood in line and Sugawara turned to face the others, hands in his pockets.

“What happened?” Asahi asked nervously.

“I dreamt that I was the only one in the volleyball club,” he said, staring off over the heads of the people crowding around. “I checked my phone but neither of your names were in it. I went to the gym but the basketball team had taken it over.”

“Naoki,” Sugawara grumbled. “Ruining lives even in dream form.”

A small smile touched Daichi’s lips and they shifted forward when the line moved.

“Though,” he hummed. “I don’t know what was worse. The fact that our club didn’t exist… or the fact that my mom was there.”

Sugawara’s heart twisted. He wanted to gather Daichi up in his arms and hug him until the dream was just a distant memory. But it was… awkward. They were playing nice, pretending like nothing was wrong, but it was awkward. Sugawara didn’t feel like he could touch him. Didn’t feel like he could hold him.

Ahhh man he needed to just _fix_ this already.

He would, he decided. Sometime that day, Sugawara swore he would fix everything.

He would find a way to obtain the superpower of putting his fear to the side.

* * *

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i just caught the rowdy quadruplets wasting their precious day of rest_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _god where do they get the energy?_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _u better have gone home_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _i did! i’m not leaving this couch until dinner time_

Daichi released a soft huff of relief, slowing his steps along the sidewalk to type out his reply.

**_CaptainD:_ ** _good_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _i swear if anyone shows up sick or injured the day we leave, im gonna break something. maybe someone_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _uh huh. Same goes for you, you know. Why were you even able to run into them in the first place? I thought you went home too_

Daichi rubbed the back of his neck and stared forward.

It felt stupid to admit that his first dream of the New Year had made him paranoid enough to actually make the trek to the gym just to make sure the basketball team hadn’t taken over. But that was exactly what had happened, after all. Granted, it worked out in his favor. Not only did he confirm that the net was still up, the gym still theirs, but he was also able to break up Tanaka, Nishinoya, Hinata, and Kageyama before they spent one of their rest days tiring themselves out.

Still, it was embarrassing.

**_CaptainD:_ ** _met up with Ikejiri_

It wasn’t a complete lie. He _had_ run into his old teammate, after all. Completely by accident though. But if Asahi wanted to believe that the main reason why Daichi was still out and about was because he had planned to meet up with an old friend and _not_ because he thought maybe the universe had played a cruel trick on him and done away with the volleyball club despite having just spent the morning with him, Sugawara, and Kiyoko at the shrine… well that was okay with Daichi.

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _your friend from junior high?_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _yeah_

**_Ace-ahi:_ ** _okay well.. you better go home and rest now_

**_CaptainD:_ ** _yeah, i will_

Daichi shoved his phone into his pocket and sighed.

He _wished_ the dream was the only thing weighing on his mind that day.

If only bad dreams were the most of Daichi’s worries.

That morning had been… fine. He and Sugawara had acted normally. They had joked around and gone through the motions like real friends. They had talked and ganged up on Asahi, pulling fortunes and laughing over Asahi’s strange luck. Kiyoko had given them a boost of self-confidence in that way that only she could give.

It had been…

Normal.

As normal as it could be.

But Daichi still felt heavy.

Three days.

There were only three days until they would be boarding the bus and heading to Tokyo for Nationals. Three days to try and wrap up all the feelings weighing Daichi down into the concrete beneath the soles of his shoes.

_It’s my fault._

_I have no one to blame but myself._

He should have stuck to the plan. He wasn’t supposed to make his move until after Nationals, when there was less on the line. Once that bit of insanity was finished, he’d have all the time in the world to confess to Sugawara properly. If then he had demanded Daichi convince him, Daichi would have time and the good sense to do it _right_. He wouldn’t have gotten sloppy and desperate and botched it up to this point.

Now, there was just confusion.

_I have no one to blame but myself._

Daichi was the one who had rejected Sugawara in the first place. He was the one who caused all this suffering for both of them these past two months and now all that stupidity was catching up to him.

But… was Sugawara totally blameless in this situation?

Daichi wanted to believe so. He wanted to believe that it was all his own fault. Daichi was used to blaming himself, being angry at himself. He was used to making stupid mistakes and hating himself for it until finally figuring out how to fix it.

He wasn’t used to blaming Sugawara.

And he didn’t want to get used to hating him.

_It’s my fault._

It just had to be.

Because if Daichi was to blame, then Daichi was responsible for fixing it.

And if Daichi was responsible for fixing it, then Daichi had something to focus on other than waiting for someone else to make a move.

_I have no one to blame but myself…_

Daichi slapped his hands over his eyes and rubbed his fingers into them until sunbursts exploded in his vision.

If it was Daichi’s fault then why the hell couldn’t he come up with a solution? No matter how hard he racked his brain for a plan to solve this issue, he wound up with the same frayed edge.

All his plans ended with the resolution resting completely in Sugawara’s hands and out of Daichi’s control.

And that _sucked_.

He dropped his head back and stared at the sky overhead. Big grey clouds hung over the streets, blocking out any shred of warmth the late afternoon sun might have to offer.

The weather had always been good at this type of thing. Matching Daichi’s mood. He used to fantasize that he could control it, make it rain when he was sad and shine when he was happy.

A _lot_ of Daichi’s fantasies involved control, now that he thought about it.

_Control freak._

Maybe that’s what it was.

The reason why this particular situation weighed so heavily on him was because Sugawara was the one in charge. Daichi couldn’t control Sugawara’s feelings just like he couldn’t control whether or not he’d feel the sun’s warmth that day.

And that sucked.

He lowered his eyes from the sky with a sigh and slipped his hands into the pockets of his coat.

_Three days._

Daichi wasn’t confident that he could fix it in that time frame, but for today, he’d let it rest.

For today, he would set his worries aside. It was the first day of the New Year. His father had promised they’d eat hot pot and spend the evening under the kotatsu, soaking up warmth the sun was too shy to give.

For the first day of the New Year, Daichi would focus on his family and nothing more.

Not volleyball.

Not Sugawara.

Not the creaking of his three day window closing right before his eyes.

His street was quiet when he finally turned down it. Despite his efforts to think only about hot pot and whether or not Rikichi had made the trip to the store yet for the ingredients they lacked, he found his eyes drift to the house just past his, wondering instead if Sugawara had gone directly home after the shrine, and if so, what was he doing now.

Was he spending time with his family, sitting close to Souta under their kotatsu and doing what he did best, charming him into spoiling him rotten?

Maybe he hadn’t gone home yet.

Maybe he was still out, wandering around like Daichi had been.

Maybe he was like Daichi, and was thinking about them, about what they would become and whether or not they would become it in the next three days.

Daichi tore his eyes away from the Sugawara house and passed through the gate onto the path to his front door.

He wouldn’t think about it.

Inside, he announced his arrival and removed his shoes in the genkan, hanging his coat from the hook to the left of the door. Rikichi’s coat was missing, as were his shoes.

And in their place…

Daichi stared at the long black coat hanging from the hook two down from Daichi’s. He reached tentatively out and touched the smooth cloth, running the pads of his fingers down the narrow sleeve.

A wave of discomfort washed over him as he lowered his eyes to the pair of grey boots that rested on the floor against the wall. His gaze lingered on the sharp, skinny heel for long seconds before he finally turned and stared down the hall. Warm light shone from the open doorway of the room at the end.

The thought that he should leave, put his shoes and coat back on and go next door until Rikichi returned, entered his mind. But his legs wouldn’t cooperate. He moved forward instead, walking slowly down the hall with eyes centered on the far room. Sounds reached his ears the closer he moved to the open doorway, quiet footfalls and soft shuffling.

Daichi’s heart was in his throat as he crept closer and closer.

He should leave.

He shouldn’t be there.

But his legs wouldn’t stop moving until he stood in the doorway and his eyes finally fell on the intruder inside.

A book rested in Maaya’s hand and she looked over it idly, red lips pressed in a harsh line. A few seconds passed before her dark eyes lifted and turned Daichi’s direction.

The heart in Daichi’s throat dropped down to his stomach the instant she caught him in her fierce stare.

“There you are,” she said.

The book snapped shut.

* * *

“ _Aauuuggh I’m going insane!”_

Sugawara received a pillow to the face for the sudden outburst and he flung himself backwards as if it was launched from a cannon, sprawling out flat on his back in the middle of the living room. He feigned death for long silent seconds before finally peeling an eye open and glancing towards Souta where he sat under the kotatsu, snacking on the New Year treats Kumi had given them to keep them out of her hair while she cooked.

“Souta don’t you care me?” Sugawara asked.

“Nope.”

“Then I’ll die!” Sugawara flopped his limbs out and crushed them down on the floor. “I’ll just die!”

“Can you die a little quieter?” Souta lifted the remote control and raised the volume on the television.

“No! I’m gonna die as loud as I lived! _Swing looooowww sweet chaaaariooooot—_ ”

Another pillow pelted his face and bounced across the room.

Sugawara growled and rolled onto his side, folding one arm under his head and glaring in Souta’s direction. Souta met his glare with one of his own, eyebrows lowering over his piercing eyes.

“I swear,” Sugawara muttered. “It’s like you don’t care _at all_ that I may never get absolutely _rawed_ by Daichi.”

Souta hurled a third and final pillow and beaned Sugawara in the nose, knocking him back with the sheer force of the overhand throw.

He stretched out and stared up at the ceiling, pretending that his face wasn’t stinging a little after the attack.

“What should I do, Souta?”

“You should stop talking about gross shit. I refuse to think about my little brother getting _rawed_.”

Sugawara folded his hands over his stomach and nervously fiddled with his fingers.

“Seriously,” he whispered. “What should I do?”

Souta didn’t respond for a few seconds. And then the sound of shuffling drew Sugawara’s attention. Souta crawled out from under the kotatsu and joined him in the middle of the floor. He laid out on his back and stared at the ceiling, mimicking his position, both hands on his stomach.

“You know…” he began, voice rough. “Lately, I’ve noticed something.”

“You have?”

“Hmhm.”

“Is it Dad’s new mustache? Because I told him it made him look like a child molester but he ignored me. Maybe if you also tell him—”

“It’s not about Dad. Although, yeah that thing is disgusting.”

“That’s what I’m saying. We should gang up on him. I’ll get the razor and you—”

“You’ve picked up a bad habit recently,” Souta cut him off.

“I swear I didn’t do it. My teeth aren’t strong enough to bite through that anyway. My guess is Mom did it.”

“No that’s not…” Souta paused and glanced at him. “Wait, what are you talking about?”

Sugawara hesitated. “Uhm. Nothing?”

“What did you chew up?”

“Nothing.”

“Was it something of mine?”

“No.”

“Then I don’t care.”

“It was the desktop mouse cord.”

Souta gave him an incredulous look. “Why were you chewing on the mouse cord?”

“Uh, I dunno Souta, _anxiety_?”

“Uh huh and why would you blame it on Mom and not Bucky?”

Sugawara turned his eyes to the ceiling again. “Damn I totally forgot about him.”

Souta clicked his tongue and elbowed him. “You’re doing it right now, by the way.”

“Huh?”

Souta sighed. “The bad habit.”

Sugawara glanced over at him. He didn’t meet his eyes, glaring at the ceiling with lips pursed.

“What is it?” Sugawara asked.

“I dunno when it started,” Souta mumbled. “But you don’t… _listen_ anymore. You’ve been interrupting. Making assumptions. I think you’re trying to lighten the mood by injecting humor into a conversation that’s starting to make you uncomfortable. But instead of fixing things, you’re just preventing people from saying what they want to say. What they mean.” His eyebrows lowered. “It’s hard to keep a conversation on track if every time someone tries to say something, you’re pushing it another direction.”

Had he really been doing that?

Sugawara hadn’t… noticed.

“I think if you actually tried listening to everything someone wants to say, without interruption, they’ll prove to you that all your assumptions are just that. Assumptions. You might learn something new. Something that could possibly solve a lot, if not _all_ , of your problems.”

Sugawara gulped. “C’mon. It can’t be that easy.”

Souta grunted. “Why not?”

Sugawara rubbed his face. “Because. If it’s that easy, then I’m the biggest idiot in the world and I don’t want to be the biggest idiot in the world.”

A large hand gripped his head and he felt warm lips crush against his temple. Souta released him and Sugawara peeked at him through his fingers.

“You _are_ the biggest idiot in the world,” Souta said. “But you don’t have to be.”

They stared at each other for a few long seconds before Sugawara struggled upright.

“Okay,” he murmured. “Okay!” he said again, louder. “I’m going to get off my ass!” He rolled to his feet and dusted off the seat of his jeans. “I’m gonna go over to Daichi’s house and I’m going to ask him to tell me everything and I’m not going to interrupt and then everything will be fixed and I’ll suck his dick on the spot!”

Souta groaned and draped an arm over his eyes. “God damn it…”

“You’re the best, Souta!” Sugawara stepped around him and headed for the hallway. “When I finally get laid, it’ll be all thanks to you!”

“Don’t fucking… _ugh_.”

Sugawara grinned and ran for the front of the house. He quickly stuffed his feet into his shoes at the entrance and left, forgoing pulling on a coat. It was a short trip anyway.

He met Rikichi as soon as he passed through the gate and stepped onto the sidewalk.

“Afternoon, Koushi,” Rikichi greeted him with a smile as he closed the door of his car and walked around it to the sidewalk.

“Hey Sawamura-san,” Sugawara said. “What’s in the bag?”

Rikichi lifted his shopping bag. “Dinner. I promised Dai we would have some hot pot tonight.”

“Oh yum. Lucky Dai—”

The words died in his mouth as his eyes drifted past Rikichi’s shoulder to the car parked in front of his against the curb.

“Koushi? Are you—”

“Sawamura-san whose car is that?” Sugawara hurriedly pointed at the black sedan.

Rikichi glanced at the vehicle, one eyebrow cocked. He hummed. “I don’t know. Maybe someone is visiting the neighbors?”

Sugawara didn’t wait for him to finish before he bolted through the gate and up the path to the Sawamura house.

“Kou—”

Sugawara burst into the house, eyes falling on the pair of boots in the genkan.

“ _Shit, shit, shit…_ ” Sugawara slipped out of his shoes and headed up the hallway. He glanced in the kitchen and the living room as he passed but they were empty.

“What’s gotten into you—” Rikichi asked from behind but they both froze at the sound of the voice drifting up the hallway from the room at the end of it.

They slowly made eye contact.

_Shit._

* * *

Maaya slid the book back into the bookshelf and then turned her entire body towards Daichi.

“This room is a mess,” she said and swiped a finger over the desk, nose twitching as she examined the thin layer of dust that coated her fingertip. She rubbed it away with her thumb. “I refuse to believe you’ve just been too busy to clean. What has Rikichi been doing all this time he’s been off work?” Her tongue clicked.

Daichi struggled to gulp down the lump that threatened to choke him. “What… what are you doing here?”

She hummed and pulled open one of the desk drawers, looking down at its contents with a bored expression.

“Believe me, coming back here wasn’t my first choice.” She closed the drawer again. “But you refuse to answer my phone calls. So I had no choice but to come and speak to you in person.” She crossed her arms over her chest and finally looked at Daichi again. “I expected this level of childishness from Rikichi. But you… I thought you were more mature than that.”

Daichi’s fingers twitched at his side.

Maaya sighed, as if the mere task of speaking to him was tedious. “Anyway. I’ve spoken to the school. So long as you stay on track, they’ll allow you to graduate early. In the meantime, I’ve organized interviews for you with some colleagues of mine—”

“What are you talking about?” Daichi interrupted, confusion momentarily drowning out the other emotions welling up inside and twisting his stomach into knots.

“Once you get your diploma, you’re coming with me to Tokyo,” she said simply. “I’ve already secured you a spot in an elite business program. Assuming you do the interviews well, you can begin shortly after you’re settled in.”

Daichi blinked, frozen with shock.

Instinctively, his body wanted to fold. It wanted to nod, to say “yes”, and succumb to his mother’s will, as usual.

That’s what Daichi always did.

That’s what Daichi was _supposed_ to do. When his mother said jump, he didn’t even ask how high. He jumped, knowing that she’d tell him he had done it wrong anyway, no matter the height he reached.

Years of experience were telling him to listen, to not argue, to do as he was told and not complain because she was in control… always and forever in control.

And that was final.

There was nothing he could do about it.

He couldn’t change anything.

He was powerless.

“No.”

Maaya blinked, taken aback by his refusal.

Daichi was surprised too, but he didn’t let it derail his sudden bout of courage.

“No,” he said again, breath shaking. “No… I’m _not_ doing that.”

“Don’t be difficult, Daichi. I’ve already prepared everything. With my connections, you’re guaranteed a place in one of the best—”

“I don’t care,” Daichi said. “That’s not what I want to do.”

_Ahh, what are you doing?_

_You’re not allowed to say that._

Maaya released an irritated sigh. “Don’t be picky. You’ll make good money this way. I’ve spent the past two months getting this all in order for you, so show me your gratitude.”

Daichi stared at her in disbelief. “Why would I be grateful? I didn’t _ask_ you to do any of this. I don’t _want_ to do it.”

Her lips twitched and she lifted her chin. “That’s too bad.”

_Yeah._

_It’s too bad._

“For _you_ ,” Daichi said, some of the shock fading into cold anger. “I’m not doing it. You’ve wasted your time.”

Maaya’s eyes flashed. “No. You’re doing it. This isn’t up for debate.”

“ _You don’t get to make decisions for me anymore_!”

The room echoed with his outburst and they merely stared at each other while the words bounced off the walls and finally faded into silence once more.

_Oh…_

He cracked.

_Finally…_

Daichi gulped and squeezed his hands into fists at his sides.

“You don’t get to make these decisions,” he said again, voice trembling this time. “You don’t get to decide _anything_. You gave up that right when you packed up in the middle of the night and _abandoned me_.”

Maaya held his gaze for a few moments before letting out a sigh. “Daichi… I had to do it. I had to get everything ready for you. This whole time I’ve been working for _you_. Can’t you see what I’ve sacrificed so that I could secure you a comfortable future?”

“I didn’t ask you to do that,” Daichi began. “I don’t want any of this. You can’t just justify leaving by—”

“I did what I had to do so you wouldn’t wind up a _disappointment_ like your father.”

Daichi’s brows furrowed. “Dad’s not a disa—”

“Because of me you will live a good and comfortable life—”

_“No!”_ Daichi snapped, cutting her short. She blinked, eyes widening at the interruption. “No,” he said again. “For once in your _fucking life_ , shut up and _listen to_ _me_.”

Maaya looked stunned but didn’t attempt to stop him.

Daichi gritted his teeth. “I don’t care that you left.”

Maaya’s mouth opened but he spoke louder before she could interrupt.

“I don’t care. In fact… it was _good_ that you left.” His nails dug into his palms as he squeezed his fists tighter. “You never deserved Dad and he’s gonna be better off without you. So leave all you want. You leaving isn’t what I’m so pissed off about.” He gulped, holding her stare in his. “It was _how_ you left. It was _when_ you left.”

A harsh breath fled his lungs and he looked away, reaching up to shove a hand through his hair.

“Do you even understand how important these past and coming months are for me? Do you even care how much you fucked _everything_ up by picking up and just _disappearing_ without a fucking explanation or goodbye?” He met her eyes again, brows furrowed tight. “Do you even know how I’ve had to pick Dad up, take care of him, deal with this shit _and_ worry about graduation, about volleyball, about _everything_ all by myself?”

His knees were shaking but he tried not to let it show.

"You _knew_ how much Dad loved you! You _knew_ how it would hurt him if you left the way you did! You knew it but you didn't care!"

He breathed out another sharp breath and held his head in his hands.

“ _Fuck you!_ You _never_ cared about Dad and you _never_ cared about me. _Fuck you_!” He gestured wildly at the desk and the half-filled box on top of it. “Get the rest of your shit and get the fuck out! This time, never come back!”

Maaya’s chin lifted. “You can’t speak to me like this. I’m still your mother.”

“Oh _fuck off_ ,” Daichi scoffed, heart slamming in his chest until his pulse raged like a hornet’s nest. “You’re my _mother_? When has that ever mattered? I’m your _son_ and you didn’t even think twice about _abandoning_ me, did you?”

Maaya huffed and propped her hands up on her hips. “He’s turned you against me. Your deadbeat father has made you _soft_ and—”

_“Don’t fucking talk about him!”_ Daichi took a menacing step towards her, fist coming down hard on the desk to his left. “You are _nothing_ compared to him! He’s _always_ been here for me! At _every_ volleyball match! At _every_ school event and birthday and sickness and…"

He let out a strained groan through clenched teeth.

"He’s cared more about me in this _past week_ than you have in the entire eighteen years I’ve been alive! So don’t you _dare_ talk about him!”

He was on a rampage now, completely overcome with the anger that had been steadily building inside his chest for the past two months. He couldn’t stop now, even if he wanted to.

“You leaving was the _best thing_ that’s ever happened to this family!” he went on, kicking the knob off of the lowest drawer on the desk. Pain exploded through his foot but he ignored it. “Since you left, Dad and I are closer than ever! I finally understand these emotions inside me that you’ve made me _hate about myself since I was a kid!_ ”

Daichi thrust an accusing finger in her direction.

“For the first time ever, I’m not terrified of falling in love because _finally_ , I understand that not everyone is as cold and manipulative as _you_. You’re gone but I feel less alone than I ever did when you were around!” He took another step forward. “I have _Dad_. I have _Suga_. And I have _myself!_ So long as I have us three, I don’t need you!”

He squeezed his eyes shut and shouted at the top of his lungs,

_“You can’t control me anymore!”_

Daichi stopped in his tracks.

_Control…_

_Ah._

So that’s where it came from.

He gulped, letting his arms fall limp at his sides.

“I’m gonna spend the next years of my life unlearning everything you’ve taught me,” he whispered. “I’m going to stop being ashamed of being vulnerable. I’m going to trust people. I’m going to stop needing control over everything and everyone because you took my control over myself from me.” His eyes stung but he resisted the urge to cry, squaring his shoulders and lifting his chin. “I’m going to Nationals with my team. And then I’m graduating with my friends. I’m going to convince Suga that I’m in love with him and we’re going to university together. The university of _our_ choice. Not yours. And there is _nothing_ you can do about it.”

Maaya held his stare for long silent seconds and he held his ground, unwavering. Her eyes shifted over his shoulder a moment before he felt the light touch at his wrist.

Daichi turned.

Sugawara stood just behind him, fingers circling his wrist and giving him a gentle squeeze. Beyond him, Rikichi stood in the doorway of the room, arms crossed over his chest. His eyes slid from Daichi’s face to his ex-wife.

Daichi hunted his expression for any hint of what he was feeling.

_Please… please…_

Rikichi’s expression remained stony and cold.

“Maaya,” he said, voice low. “You and I can settle this on our own. But _not_ in my house.” His eyebrows lowered. “You’re not welcome here anymore.”

A shaking breath of relief fled Daichi’s mouth and his shoulders slumped, tension fleeing his muscles.

A few seconds ticked by in silence before Maaya spoke again.

“Daichi…”

He reluctantly met her eyes.

For once, her expression wasn’t that strict, unyielding mask. Her eyebrows furrowed, eyes softening to an emotion that was almost… sad.

“Please understand, this is something _bigger_ than you.”

Daichi’s chest tightened.

“I’m your son,” he said, voice barely audible. “There shouldn’t be _anything_ bigger than me.”

She blinked, red lips parting slightly, but before she could say another word, Rikichi spoke again.

“Maaya. Let’s take a walk.”

She hesitated another moment before finally conceding. She gave a nod and passed them out of the room. Once she was gone, Rikichi went up to Daichi and held his head in his hands.

“I’m so proud of you, Baby Boy,” he whispered and kissed his forehead. “So proud.”

Daichi blinked rapidly, eyes filling with moisture.

“Don’t worry,” Rikichi murmured. “I’ll get rid of the bloodsucker.”

Daichi let out a weak laugh.

Rikichi kissed him again and smoothed his hand over his hair, giving him a smile. After sending Sugawara a look, he finally turned and left the room.

Daichi rubbed his eyes with a hand, wiping away the wetness that managed to pinch out.

“Are you okay?” Sugawara asked, voice soft.

Daichi nodded, dropping his hand.

They were silent for a moment.

“Daichi…”

Daichi cleared his throat and pulled out of his grasp. “I don’t want to talk in here.” He left the room and peered up the hallway but Rikichi and Maaya were already gone, their coats missing from the hooks.

Daichi turned and climbed the stairs, Sugawara on his heels.

Once in his room, Daichi sat on the edge of his bed with a sigh, flexing the toes of the foot he had used to kick the desk.

Great. He had just been complaining about Hinata and the others doing stupid things and risking injury and here Daichi was… bruising the bottom of his foot on drawer knobs like an idiot.

Sugawara closed the bedroom door and moved hesitantly in his direction, tucking a lock of hair over his ear.

Daichi met his eyes and immediately lowered his to the floor in front of him.

“You can have it,” he said, voice low.

He saw Sugawara slow to a stop in his peripherals.

“Have… what?” he asked.

“Control.”

When Sugawara said nothing, he went on.

“This whole time, I’ve been trying so hard to keep all of the control. I wanted to control us. I wanted to control… _you_.” His brows furrowed and he stared down at his hands in his lap. “First, I tried to control our relationship. Keep it from changing after you confessed. Then I tried to control you and the relationships you have with other people. Other… guys.” He gulped. “I thought that if I was in control, then I’d be happy and everything would work out.” He rubbed his eyes. “And now I finally understand how I feel for you and I want to control _everything_ … mold us into what I want us to be. But I’ve just been making it worse. It’s not fair of me to try to decide everything for myself. It’s not fair and it makes me…”

He frowned, chest tightening.

“It makes me like _her_ and I don’t want to be like her.”

Daichi inhaled a slow, deep breath and finally lifted his head to meet Sugawara’s eyes again.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Sugawara huffed. “Stop saying tha—”

“No.”

Sugawara clamped his mouth shut.

“No,” Daichi said again. “I’m not going to stop. Because there are always going to be things that I do wrong and I need you to know that I understand that they’re wrong. I need you to know that I’m learning and I’m changing and I want to be the best version of myself, always. For you. Because you deserve nothing less.”

Sugawara lowered his eyes.

“So you can have it,” Daichi said, softer. “I’ll stop trying to make all the decisions. You can have the control. I’ll do whatever you decide.”

“Stupid.” Sugawara took a step forward and smacked Daichi upside the head.

Daichi blinked up at him, startled.

“Don’t just give it all away like that,” Sugawara said with a scowl. “You think I want that kind of responsibility? You know I don’t have the mental maturity to make _all_ the decisions.” He looked away, cheeks turning pink. “I’ll make my decisions and you make your decisions. Neither of us will control anything more than that and… the other stuff will just come together.” He met his eyes again. “That’s how this has always worked between us, hasn’t it? Since the beginning… we’ve just been doing what feels natural and that… that’s worked just fine.”

Warmth spread through Daichi’s chest and he chuckled. “Yeah… I guess so.”

Sugawara hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck. He cleared his throat and glanced at Daichi before moving closer and slowly lowering to his knees on the floor in front of him. He clasped his hands in his lap and rubbed his lips together.

He looked meek and nervous and…

_Cute…_

Daichi’s cheeks grew hot and he rubbed his clammy hands on the thighs of his pants.

“Uhm…” Sugawara began, voice rough. “I’ll actually listen to it all this time. Without interrupting. So… tell me…” He let his words dwindle out.

Daichi didn’t need him to elaborate. He could tell by the color of his cheeks what he wanted to hear.

“You’re my best friend,” Daichi said, voice soft. “And I’m in love with you.”

Sugawara’s eyes tentatively met his.

“I used to think it was only possible to have one or the other,” Daichi went on. “I thought… I can’t be in love with you because you’re my best friend. But now I know… that it’s the opposite. I can’t have one without the other.” He rubbed his palms on his jeans again. “I was… oblivious. I don’t think I’ve ever really been _attracted_ to another person before. I’ve never had a crush or wanted to be romantic or intimate with anybody before. At first I figured I just didn’t think enough about it. I was busy with other things. Didn’t have time for it."

He furrowed his brows.

"But once you opened that door… after you put _yourself_ on the table for me… I think that maybe I’ve always sorta felt this way about you. I just didn’t realize it. Because it wasn’t something I knew was an option.”

Daichi released a huff and forced a hand through his hair.

“Suga… for as long as I can remember, I never thought I would be in a relationship with _anybody_. And it’s because deep down… subconsciously I’ve only ever wanted _you._ But because I didn’t recognize that as something that could actually happen, I just accepted that I’d have no one…” He gulped. “And then you confessed to me and it turned my whole world upside down and I couldn’t… process what it meant. It’s taken me too long and I know you’re sick of how indecisive I’ve been. I’m frustrated too. All this drama happened because my brain was ten steps behind my heart but…”

He squeezed the fabric of his jeans in his fingers.

“I love you. I’m in love with you. In every way. I want to be with you. From the beginning, there’s never existed a future in my imagination that didn’t have you in it, at my side. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to realize in what way I want you to be there with me.”

Sugawara was gazing up at him with an unreadable expression and Daichi’s heart hammered in his chest.

“And if you need me to convince you that I’m telling the truth, that I won’t change my mind and hurt you again… that’s alright. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll spend the next few years convincing you, if that’s what I need to do.” He hesitated and then gave him a rueful smile. “Beware though. I want to be with you as soon as possible, so I’ll be taking the most aggressive route.”

Sugawara swallowed. His eyes darted down and then back up, cheeks coloring pink. “And… and what does the most aggressive route entail?”

Daichi grinned. “Wanna fuck around and find out?”

“Just… just tell me.”

Daichi’s eyes narrowed. “We’re going to uni together. We’re going to be meeting new people. Expect me to be chasing off every guy that even looks your direction.”

“What about the girls that look my direction?”

“C’mon Suga, I think we both know that that’s not a problem.”

Sugawara giggled. “And why’s that? Am I not attractive enough for girls?”

Daichi smirked.

Sugawara waited.

The silence grew.

“Answer the question, Daichi,” Sugawara growled.

Daichi let out a laugh. “Shuddup. You’re hot and you know it.”

Sugawara blinked. “You think so?”

Daichi rolled his eyes. “Oh, don’t pretend like you don’t know how hot you are.”

“No, I know I’m hot but…” Sugawara’s cheeks were turning redder and redder by the second. “I didn’t think that _you_ … thought I was…”

Daichi stared at him wordlessly for long seconds.

_Wait… really?_

_He didn’t…_

_Oh._

“Suga I think you’re hot,” Daichi blurted out. “I think you’re hot but also beautiful and cute and your body is sexy and I like looking at you.”

Sugawara’s face was a tomato, ears vibrant where they poked out from between his hair.

“Before I realized my feelings for you,” Daichi went on, drinking up his bashful reaction. “It made me uncomfortable when Nakatani called you attractive and said you were a good kisser. I thought… I thought maybe it was because you were my best friend and I didn’t want to think of you in a sexual way but now I know it’s because I didn’t want these real feelings to be unlocked. I didn’t want to be a hormonal teenage boy who thinks about sex all day long.” He looked away. “As much as I hate that you fooled around with Yoshida and flirted with Kamasaki… I can’t blame them. I _don’t_ blame them.” He cleared his throat and met Sugawara’s eyes again. “Of course they’d want to flirt and fool around with you. _I_ want to flirt and fool around with you too.”

Sugawara slapped his palms against his cheeks and the sound echoed through the room.

“What are you doing?” Daichi leaned forward and gripped his wrists. “Idiot. That sounded like it hurt. Don’t—”

“Daichi you can’t just drop this bomb on me!” Sugawara wailed, allowing his hands to be removed from his face. “I thought that… it was just _inside_ stuff!”

Daichi frowned. “What?”

“I thought… because like…” His eyelashes were fluttering, words tripping over themselves. “Just like… _inner_ stuff! Per-personality and us being so close and you just liking me for the deep _emotional_ part and not because… because you actually…”

Daichi huffed. “It’s _everything!_ Dumbass, it’s all of the above. I know it took me forever to come to terms with it but damn, I’m not _that_ much of an idiot. I _have_ eyes.”

“Yeah but!” Sugawara was turning frantic, eyes wide and arms tugging slightly against Daichi’s hold. “You said yourself that you’ve never had a crush on someone before so I just thought… you didn’t… _care_ or…” He moaned. “I don’t know! I just figured you were too straight to think of me that way but our strong emotional bond was making you overlook it!”

Daichi cocked an eyebrow. “Straight? I… Suga I’m pretty sure I’m not straight…”

Sugawara gaped at him. “What? You… you’re gay?”

Daichi released his wrists. “I don’t know… No?”

“Wha— then bi?”

“No…”

“Then what are you? What are you attracted to?”

Daichi clicked his tongue. “ _You_.”

“ _Sugasexual_ isn’t a real sexuality, Daichi.” Sugawara looked incredulous.

“Well who cares anyway?” Daichi leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. “Do I _need_ a proper label? You’re the only person I want to fuck. That’s good enough for me.”

Sugawara fell silent.

Daichi glared across the room, feeling exposed and irritated.

What did it matter?

He knew who he was, and he finally knew what he wanted.

That was good enough.

“Like… right now?”

Daichi blinked and looked back at Sugawara. His face was red again, bottom lip bitten between his teeth.

It took all of two seconds for him to realize what he was talking about.

Daichi’s heart raced, his mouth went dry.

“Not… not right now,” he said, voice rough.

“But you _do_ want to…”

“Obviously.”

“So… when?”

Daichi hesitated. “When… when I’m more prepared.”

“When will you be prepared?”

Daichi leaned forward and flicked Sugawara’s nose with his finger.

“Calm down,” he muttered. “Can’t you stop being horny for five seconds?”

“No.”

Daichi huffed out a laugh at his honesty.

Sugawara stared up at him, lashes fluttering.

“Daichi…” he said, eyes dipping down his face. “You’re… really attracted to me? Physically?”

Daichi sighed. “How many times do I have to tell you _yes_ —”

“Then I can seduce you?”

Daichi paused, blinking down at him. “Huh?”

Sugawara’s tongue slipped out and licked his lips. “If I tried to seduce you… it might actually work? I wouldn’t just be embarrassing myself?”

“Wha-what kind of question is that?” Daichi asked.

“A valid one!” Sugawara rubbed his palms on the thighs of his jeans. “It would be pathetic if I put in the effort of seducing you but you feel nothing!”

“I wouldn’t feel nothing!” Daichi let out an exasperated breath. “I just said I’m attracted to you and want to eventually have sex with you so _of course_ I would feel some…”

He dwindled out as Sugawara sat forward on his knees and gripped the hem of his shirt. He teased it up and over his navel, revealing the pale skin of his stomach. His pants were riding low, showing half a hipbone and the gentle curve of his waist meeting his hip.

Daichi’s mouth went dry and his chest flushed hot.

“Does this do anything for you?” Sugawara asked, voice soft.

Daichi gulped hard and looked away. “Knock it off. I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Sugawara scooted closer to him on his knees. “I’d rather you spanked it…”

Daichi caught a snort in his hand. “ _Shuddup_.”

Sugawara’s hands rested on Daichi’s thighs, drawing his eyes back to his face. He leaned up towards him, eyelids dipping low and bottom lip catching between his teeth again.

“Is this doing anything for you?” he whispered.

Daichi pushed a hand against his face and shoved him back, earning a giggling snort.

“So since you’re trying to seduce me, am I to believe that you finally believe me?”

Sugawara peeked at him around Daichi’s fingers still pressed against his face.

Daichi held his stare. “Do you accept that I’m in love with you?”

After a moment’s pause, Sugawara took his wrist and removed his hand from his face. He moved it to the side and used his other hand to brace himself up on Daichi’s thigh and close the distance between them.

The kiss was different from the others.

With it, all Daichi’s nervousness, the pain in his foot, the anxiety of seeing his mother again… it all evaporated into the very back recesses of his mind until the only thing he could feel were Sugawara’s warm lips pressed gently to his.

Daichi’s hands lifted and cupped Sugawara’s face, holding him close and prolonging the kiss for long, sweet seconds.

They parted momentarily to suck in shaking breaths and Daichi’s hands slipped off his cheeks and dropped down to where Sugawara’s clung to his thighs. He gripped his hands tight and lifted, placing them on his shoulders. Sugawara slid them up and around his neck and Daichi trailed his palms down his sides to his waist, where he tightened his hold and dragged Sugawara up and onto his lap. They kissed again, clinging tight to one another and mingling their breath together.

Sugawara broke away and pressed kisses along Daichi’s jaw and then down the side of his throat. Pleasant chills shot down Daichi’s spine and he closed his eyes, angling his head to give him access under his ear where his lips moved next. Sugawara’s fingers carded through Daichi’s hair at the back of his head and his hot breath warmed his ear as his teeth grazed over his lobe.

Daichi shuddered, toes curling against the floor.

Without warning, Sugawara pulled out of his hold and knelt on the bed next to him. He placed his hands on Daichi’s shoulders and pushed him down on the mattress until he was stretched out, head nestled in the pillow.

Sugawara threw a leg over him and straddled his hips and Daichi reached up and caught his face, dragging it down to kiss him again.

They kissed fervently, bodies pressed flush together until they were both panting and Daichi didn’t know where to put his hands.

He knew where he _wanted_ to put his hands, but he hadn’t been lying when he said he didn’t want to do _that_ right now. He wasn’t anywhere near ready for it, even if his body and his hormones were trying desperately to convince him otherwise.

Despite his better judgment, Daichi wanted to put his hands in places he shouldn’t, so instead, he rolled Sugawara onto his back on the bed and stretched out on top of him, giving his arms the job of bracing his weight on his elbows. The change in position didn’t help as much as he thought it would though, because now he was on top of Sugawara. And Sugawara’s knees were on either side of his hips.

And _his_ hands had no such reservations about going wherever the hell they pleased.

Daichi broke their kiss after the first squeeze.

“Suga,” he said, voice gruff. “No fondling.”

He squeezed his butt again in defiance, head lifting from the pillow to lick at his bottom lip.

“C’mon Daichi,” he panted. “Let me seduce you.”

Daichi grunted, reaching down and grabbing one of Sugawara’s hands. “There’s a difference between seduction and peer pressure.”

“What’s that Nerd? You wanna be a virgin forever? Think of how cool you’ll be if—”

Daichi pinned the one hand into the pillow over his head and gave him a _shut up_ kiss. Sugawara giggled against his lips, other hand still freely groping him until Daichi caught it too and put it with the other.

Sugawara’s head fell back and he released a shuddering breath. “ _C’mon_ , Daichi. You think pinning me down is going to make me want to fuck you _less_? You’re activating all my kinks. Please dominate me all you want, Daddy.”

Daichi huffed and leaned their foreheads together. “God what have I gotten myself into?”

“Feel like taking it back yet?”

Daichi peered down in his eyes, catching the dash of uncertainty that flickered in his irises.

He kissed him, slow and sweet, until the tingling burn in his stomach was almost impossible to ignore any longer.

“I’m never gonna take it back,” he whispered once the kiss was finally done. “Yeah, you’re a total pain… but I like the way you hurt…”

Sugawara stared up at him for long seconds before releasing a snort.

“That was both the hottest _and_ cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Daichi growled and leaned down to bite at the side of Sugawara’s throat, enticing giggles from him.

He squirmed, bucking his hips up into Daichi’s and hooking a leg over his thigh. Every time he moved sent a jarring spike through him but he was determined to resist the temptation.

He occupied himself with covering his throat with kisses, eventually drawing an end to Sugawara’s giggling until he was panting beneath him, hands twisting under his strong hold.

“Daichi,” he whispered, voice soft and breathless. “Let me—”

“No,” Daichi murmured.

He groaned. “Why are you trying to be responsible all of the sudden? Have you forgotten that you totally groped my dick in the club room last week?”

Daichi paused.

_Ah…_

He _had_ done that, hadn’t he?

But that was… different.

He was more desperate then, trying to convince Sugawara to accept him in any way possible.

Now… he didn’t need to do that.

(Even if he wanted to.)

Sugawara’s teeth grazed the shell of his ear, giving it a tug until he lifted his head enough for him to kiss his lips again, tongue licking at the inside of his mouth and making his head go hazy.

They didn’t have to go all the way but maybe…

Maybe they could at least…

Daichi slipped his hand under Sugawara’s shirt, pushing it up to his collar. He broke their kiss and moved lower to press his lips to his sternum, his ribs, his waist. One hand stayed locked around Sugawara’s wrists above his head while the other stroked down his side to his hip and gripped it tight as he kissed the soft skin over the waistband of his pants.

He didn’t have to hold himself _completely_ back.

They could go farther than this at least.

They could…

Daichi’s fingers traveled across Sugawara’s waistband and touched the cool metal of his button.

_Whoosh_.

The door suddenly swung open and Rikichi stepped into the bedroom, causing both Daichi’s and Sugawara’s heads to jerk in his direction, freezing in place.

“Daichi I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that alone. Are you oka—”

Rikichi gaped at them for a few deathly silent seconds before his hands flew up and slapped over his eyes.

“Ohhhh my bad!” he said, voice too loud.

Daichi hurriedly released Sugawara’s wrists and scampered off of him, heat flushing through his entire body as mortification filled him to the brim.

“Sorry!” Rikichi said, still entirely too loud. “Ah, uhm! Before… before you do anything too extreme… let me at least buy you some condoms! A-and some other stuff… uh… lube and… there are proper ways to go about… uhm… ahh… safety and…”

Sugawara rolled over onto his side and covered the bottom half of his face with his hands, moisture building in his eyes as he clearly struggled to keep his laughter at bay. Daichi glared at him and scooted to the edge of the bed.

“Se-sex is a beautiful thing and a gre-great way to connect with your partner! Ah, uhm, but you should always… be sure that you… hmmmm ahh… let’s see here…”

“Dad please relax!” Daichi said, wishing for the second time in his life to have a time machine to go back and never experience this moment. “We’re not doing anything!”

“It’s okay if you are!” Rikichi insisted, still not taking his hands from his eyes. “It’s completely natural to feel what you’re feeling, and I promise that I love and support you just as you are! I just want you to go about it in a calm and comfortable way so—”

“ _Dad! Fuck. So embarrassing…_ ”

“It’s not embarrassing! It’s totally normal and okay and—”

Sugawara’s laughter finally broke through. His cackling grew and spread until it filled the room with the sound of his uninhibited joy.

“Bastard,” Daichi growled, punching his thigh. “Shuddup. I’ll kill you.”

“ _Daichi_ ,” Rikichi snapped.

Daichi looked at him, catching his stern scowl as he lowered his hands and propped them up on his hips.

“That’s no way to talk to your boyfriend.”

Daichi’s mouth went dry.

_Boyfriend…_

Even though he had tried to call him that before, many times, in the past few weeks, hearing the word come from someone else… someone that wasn’t Daichi nor Sugawara…

It sank into his heart and stayed.

_Boyfriend._

“Sorry.”

Daichi breathed the word out, eyes sliding in Sugawara’s direction. He had finally sat up and was looking at him with pink cheeks and steady eyes.

“Sorry,” Daichi said again.

Sugawara smiled crookedly and punched his shoulder before throwing his arms around them and dragging Daichi against him. He hugged him and Daichi leaned his burning face against his collar, hands tentatively resting on his waist, hyper aware of Rikichi’s eyes on them.

“Sawamura-san, if it’s okay with you, can I borrow your son for a little bit?” Sugawara said sweetly, hands squeezing Daichi’s shoulders tight. “I wanna introduce my _boyfriend_ to my family.”

Daichi went completely warm and soft over the statement, closing his eyes to ward off the moisture that prickled in them and threatened to fall.

How lame would it be if that was the thing to make him cry?

Rikichi chuckled and Daichi opened his eyes again to catch his tender smile.

“Yeah,” he said. “Go ahead.”

“Great!” Sugawara released him and climbed out of the bed. He turned and grabbed his hands, stepping backwards and pulling him to his feet.

As they passed Rikichi, he slapped Daichi’s shoulder and followed them into the hall.

Daichi gazed wearily at the smirk that formed on his father’s lips and muttered, “We weren’t doing anything…”

Rikichi chuckled and walked with them to the stairs. “Sure you weren’t. Don’t worry, we’ll have a talk later when I’ve done some research.”

“ _God no_ ,” Daichi pressed a hand over his eyes.

Sugawara snickered ahead of him as they started down the stairs to the first floor. “Sounds educational. Can I be there too?”

“Of course.”

Daichi groaned and dropped his hand to his side, giving Sugawara’s a hard squeeze with his other.

“I can’t stand either of you,” he grumbled.

They both laughed.

And Daichi couldn’t keep the smile from his lips.

At the genkan, Sugawara and Daichi stuffed their feet in shoes and waved to Rikichi on their way out the door.

“Well that was a boner killer,” Daichi muttered as soon as the door shut behind them.

Sugawara fanned his face. “ _Speak for yourself_.”

“I’m going to kick your ass.”

The light peals of his laughter erased Daichi’s irritation.

“Why are you introducing me to your family?” he asked warily as they passed through the gate. “As if we haven’t been neighbors for basically our entire lives?”

“It’s different,” Sugawara said happily, a slight skip to his step. He sent him a radiant smile over his shoulder and Daichi’s insides melted. “Now you’re my boyfriend.”

_Ohh…_

“I love you,” Daichi whispered.

Sugawara’s smile softened.

“Yeah… I know.”

They entered the Sugawara home and Sugawara called out for his family as they kicked off their shoes.

“I have an _announcement!_ ” he shouted and dragged Daichi up the hallway to the living room.

Souta was sitting under the kotatsu and he turned his wary glare in their direction as soon as they entered.

Reiichi sat up where he was slouched on the couch and Kumi walked into the room after them, wearing an apron and wiping her hands on a small pink towel.

Sugawara dragged Daichi in front of the television and lifted their clasped hands.

“Mom… Dad… Souta…” He paused to take a deep breath that Daichi was fairly certain was all for show. “This… this is my boyfriend, Daichi. I’m… I'm _gay_.”

Before Daichi could say anything, push out an embarrassed _hello_ or whatever else his brain could come up with in the moment, Kumi let out a tremendous wail and slapped her wrist over her forehead. Her eyelids fluttered and she collapsed to the floor in a heap, flinging the towel across the room where it slapped against the wall.

Daichi jumped in surprise.

Reiichi leapt to his feet with a bellow and began marching back and forth, lifting his knees high and stomping his socked feet down hard.

“ _Unacceptable!_ ” he roared. “ _My fragile grasp on masculinity is unraveling at the seams! I’ve never wanted to eat a steak and belch more in my life than I do now, if for no other reason than the hope that my apparent manliness wears off on my homo son and banishes his sinful gay ways to the void!_ ”

“You can’t change me, Dad!” Sugawara shouted back, giving Daichi’s arm a shake. “This is who I am! If you don’t like it then you can just—”

“ _I’ve never been so disappointed in my life—”_

"It's not just a _phase,_ Dad! I was born this way and I'll die this way too _—"_

Kumi started sobbing, entire body convulsing on the ground with the faux grief.

Sugawara and Reiichi continued to yell over each other, putting on a show, and Souta lifted the remote control from the table and raised the volume on the television, trying to drown out the theatrics. Buckwheat came barreling into the room, barking with glee and climbing all over Kumi, tongue attacking her face.

Sugawara released Daichi’s hand and ran at Reiichi, just to be caught by the waist and lifted off of the ground. Reiichi turned and slammed him down on the couch before giving a thundering roar and jumping on top of him, getting an arm around his leg and pulling it up in an awkward position from atop his back. Sugawara wailed and fought back, eventual laughter bubbling to the surface as his father continued to pull wrestling move after wrestling move on him, shouting random manly words like _monster trucks_ and _construction!_

Daichi met Souta’s eyes and he cocked an eyebrow.

“Are you sure you want to be a part of this?” he asked, voice barely audible over the racket.

Daichi looked at Sugawara, now laughing, unhinged, as Reiichi wrapped one arm around his throat and gave him a noogie with his other hand, mussing his hair around his happy, flushed face.

Daichi eyes filled with moisture and he smiled.

“Yeah,” he said, rubbing at his chest as it swelled with tight emotion.

Reiichi got a grip on the back of Sugawara’s boxers and started to pull them up from the back of his pants. Sugawara let out a high-pitched scream and writhed wildly, kicking his legs and driving a heel into Reiichi’s left cheek.

Daichi laughed and wiped the tears from his eyes.

“I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that I skipped last Friday. I literally didn't finish writing this chapter until today, so I have no idea if it's actually good, please have mercy
> 
> We're at the end, fellas. The next chapter is the last, how we feelin'?
> 
> Thank you for all your support, it means the world to me <3
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=1F3u623pSo2Ox_pgCSiYbQ)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next Time:  
> The beginning


	16. Until the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another sweet beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood:  
> [You.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTCXAVBq7TU)  
> "I saw your light from a distance, I was in the darkest place  
> I saw my hardest days before you came my way yeah babe  
> That's how I knew from those instances you had to stay  
> You make everything so great I swear my life has been changed"

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?”

Daichi pulled on his second sock and wiggled his toes, maneuvering it to sit properly around his foot.

“I’m going to be stuck in a vehicle for the next few hours with the world’s rowdiest children,” he said. “If I don’t get a little bit of exercise now, I’m going to take it out on them.”

Rikichi chuckled and leaned on the living room doorframe, clutching a steaming mug of coffee in one hand. He looked barely conscious, shaggy black hair a nest about his head. His beard had grown longer but now when Daichi looked at it, he didn’t see a man who had let himself go. He saw his dad, liberated from needing to look acceptably clean and kept.

Daichi secretly hoped he’d never shave.

“I’ll head out tomorrow,” Rikichi said. “Think I should stop somewhere and find myself a bullhorn? I gotta be louder than Saeko-chan, right?”

“Somehow,” Daichi mumbled and rolled to his feet. “I think that might be impossible this time.”

“Oh?”

“Call it a hunch.”

“It’s a hunch.”

Daichi sent him a withering glare and Rikichi laughed.

“Ahh, loosen up, Dai,” Rikichi said as Daichi moved to his bag resting on the couch. “You’re too stiff.”

“I’m not stiff,” he murmured and unzipped his bag to peer down into it. “I’m perfectly calm.”

“You’re nervous.”

“I’m not.”

“This is the twelfth time you’ve checked your bag since I’ve been watching you.”

Daichi muttered, “Don’t keep track…”

Rikichi pushed away from the wall and joined him at the couch, setting his mug on the table as he passed. His hands fell onto his shoulders and he rubbed them slowly. Daichi’s eyes slid shut and he released a shaking breath as his father worked the knots out of his muscles.

“Relax,” he said, voice soothing. “You’re going to do so great.”

“Or we’ll get knocked out in the first round,” Daichi said.

Rikichi pinched the back of his neck. “You are going to be amazing. Your team is strong but their captain is even stronger. You’re going to go out there, take that court and make it your bitch.”

Daichi snorted, dropping his head forward when Rikichi started massaging his neck.

They were silent for a few seconds before Rikichi’s hands finally stilled. Daichi already felt better, some of the tension brutally erased. Rikichi squeezed his shoulders and turned him to face him.

Rikichi smiled down at him and cupped his face in his hands.

“I’m so proud of you,” he said, voice soft.

Daichi’s eyes pinched and he opened his mouth to protest at the sudden tenderness- god he was sick of the tenderness at this point- but Rikichi didn’t let him speak.

“No matter what,” he said. “I’m so, so proud of you. Really, I’ve reached my limit of how proud I can be. Even if you go all the way to the top and win the whole shebang, my pride has already peaked. You could cure cancer but it wouldn’t matter. I’m already as proud of you as I can ever be.”

Daichi laughed and nudged his chest. “That’s not motivating at all! C’mon, give me something to strive for, at least!”

“You’ll have to find something on your own.” Rikichi kissed his forehead. “You won’t ever, _ever_ have to fight for my love and pride. It’s here and it’s going nowhere.”

Daichi clicked his tongue to mask the tightness growing in his chest.

“Why do you have to be so sappy all the time? I can’t escape it these days.”

“I’ve just been thinkin’…” Rikichi mumbled, running his thumbs over Daichi’s cheeks. “I think I’ve been blind these past eighteen years. There are things I’ve learned about you in just these last couple of months that I have a feeling have been around for a long time…”

His eyes dipped down from Daichi’s face.

“I should have noticed sooner.”

“Dad—”

“I should have known that if Maaya was making _me_ work so unreasonably hard for her approval then _of course_ she was doing it to you too.”

“It’s alri—”

“You don’t ever have to do that with me, Daichi.”

Daichi stared up at him quietly. His expression had morphed from somber to fierce intensity, brow furrowed in a firm line.

“You don’t ever have to fight for my love and acceptance. You’ve got it. All you need and all you want, you’ve got it.”

Daichi’s eyes stung and he sniffled. When he spoke again, his voice was low and rough.

“Yeah well… it’s the same for you, you know.”

He reached up and gently gripped Rikichi’s forearms.

“I’m really proud of you too.”

Rikichi’s eyes turned glossy and he released Daichi’s face just to throw his arms around him and drag him into a bone crushing hug.

“Baby,” he said, voice quivering. “Baby boy… you’re my baby boy and I love you so much—”

“Dad!” Daichi laughed and struggled against him. “Damn it, I can’t tell you anything!”

Rikichi peppered his face with kisses and Daichi squirmed, pretending to hate it more than he actually did, if for no reason other than wanting to seem like less of the baby boy Rikichi was so sure he was.

Finally, Rikichi set him free and Daichi stumbled a step backwards, swiping a hand over his hair to disguise the tears in his eyes.

“Okay, alright,” Rikichi said. “You better head out. The captain should be the first on the bus, right?”

Daichi cleared his throat. “Right…”

He gathered up his things, pausing to take one more look into his bag _just in case_ , and then made his way to the front of the house. Rikichi stayed at his side the entire time and then in the genkan, he pulled Daichi in for another hug.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Rikichi said, kissing his temple and opening the front door for him. “You’re going to do great.”

“See you,” Daichi murmured and stepped out into the frigid morning air. The sun hadn’t come up yet and the world was dark and quiet in every direction.

“Be safe,” Rikichi said, standing in the doorway as Daichi headed up the path to the gate.

“I will,” Daichi said, giving him a wave.

“I love you!”

Daichi smiled. “Love you too.”

At the gate, he heard Rikichi mumble a soft, “ _Baby boy_ …” and Daichi laughed.

“Go back to sleep, Dad!” he called.

“Okay, okay.”

Out on the sidewalk, Daichi turned for the Sugawara home. Now that he was out of the comforting shield of his father’s warmth and love, his nerves spiked.

Was he ready for this?

He was… but he wasn’t.

“Hoo boy,” he blew out his cheeks and knocked on Sugawara’s door.

A few seconds passed before thundering footsteps approached and the door was flung open.

Sugawara stood in the doorway, looking wayward and frazzled, hair a mess and cheeks flushed.

“I didn’t sleep in!” he said immediately. “ _You_ slept in!”

Daichi grinned. “Bastard. If we’re late because of you—”

“We’re not late! I’m ready!”

“Koushi!”

They looked into the house where Souta was stomping towards him, hoisting Sugawara’s volleyball shoes in the air.

“Oops,” Sugawara breathed out and Daichi clocked him on the head.

“I swear to God, if I had to drive all the way out there just to bring you your shoes…” Souta growled as he forcefully unzipped the bag that was draped over Sugawara’s shoulder and stuffed the shoes inside.

“You could have just given them to my dad,” Daichi said. “He’s leaving tomorrow.”

“Even that’s too much of a hassle.”

Sugawara huffed and smoothed his hands over his hair. “I can’t believe my own family doesn’t want to go watch me win at Nationals!”

“I don’t do crowds,” Souta said and zipped up the bag. “We’ll watch on TV.”

“It’s not the same! You’re so mean! Sawamura-san and Saeko nee-san and Akiteru-san are the only family that ever show up! You should be ashamed!”

Souta hesitated, eyes flashing up to his face. “Sae-chan is going to be there?”

A smirk tugged at Sugawara’s lips. “Oh? _Now_ you’re interested?”

He hummed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Maybe I’ll drive in with Sawamura-san…”

Sugawara clicked his tongue and punched Souta’s shoulder. “Fucker.” He hopped outside and immediately took Daichi’s hand, making his entire body flush hot. “I support your little crush on Saeko nee-san, actually. If you two get married, Tanaka will _never_ be rid of me. Ha!”

“It’s not a crush,” Souta snapped, slight color touching his cheeks. “Shuddup.”

Daichi gaped at him, knowing for a _fact_ that he had never seen Sugawara Souta blush.

 _Ever_.

Then again… Tanaka Saeko had that effect on everybody.

“Okay, byyyye, love you,” Sugawara said and tugged Daichi up the path.

Souta stood in the doorway. “Good luck. And Dai-kun…”

Daichi looked over his shoulder.

Souta’s eyes narrowed. “Your futons best stay _at least_ five centimeters apart.”

Daichi gulped. “Ye-yes Sir.”

They passed through the gate and Sugawara called back over it, “Doesn’t matter how close or far away the futons are, I’m sleeping in Daichi’s anyway!”

“ _You son of a_ —”

Sugawara laughed and dragged Daichi up the sidewalk.

“Please don’t do that,” Daichi begged. “Now that we’re dating, he’s really going to think your teasing is truth.”

“Who said it’s not?” Sugawara smirked over at him and gave his hand a squeeze.

Daichi’s face turned hot. “Stop that.”

“Never!” he sang, a small skip to his step.

For about a block, neither of them spoke. The world was peaceful and silent, everyone still asleep with the sun.

And everything felt… _right_.

For the first time in… well… forever, probably, everything felt perfectly right.

There wasn’t a single thing he would change about the moment.

Daichi felt a shudder travel through Sugawara’s body and glanced sidelong at him.

_Boyfriend…_

They were really boyfriends now. Daichi could do… what he wanted, couldn’t he?

He squeezed Sugawara’s hand and lifted it to his lips. He pressed a gentle kiss to his flushed knuckles and then slipped both their hands into the pocket of Daichi’s coat, surrounding them in the soft warmth of fleece lining.

Daichi could do that whenever he wanted, from now on. Just the thought alone was enough to warm him to his core. He wanted to wrap himself up in the feeling of the thought and live there forever, happy and content and…

“You better not do that again.”

Daichi blinked and glanced back over to Sugawara. He was staring at him with narrow eyes, eyebrows low and lips pressed into a thin line, cheeks and tip of his nose flushed pink from the cold.

“Huh?”

Sugawara scowled and lifted his chin. “You better watch yourself, Daichi. Do stuff like that too much and I’m gonna jump you.”

“Jump…”

“I may _look_ cute and soft but I’ll have you know that I’m an insatiable beast,” Sugawara said. “Tempt me and I _will_ attack you.”

A flush of understanding warmed Daichi’s stomach. “Oh.”

Sugawara giggled and shifted closer to him, leaning his head on his shoulder.

“I’ll have so many chances over the next few days,” he said with a hum. “On the bus… in the baths… when everyone else is asleep…”

“In the middle of a game?”

“I’m a true sportsman, Daichi. You know butt slaps are in order.” He lifted his head again and stared forward. “Just saying _nice receive_ or _nice serve_ or _nice kill_ aren’t enough sometimes, you know? To truly show my appreciation of your skill, I need to do some inappropriate cheek fondling.”

“Oh so you agree it’s inappropriate?”

“Did I say inappropriate? I meant _appropriate._ Since we’re boyfriends _and_ teammates, we have double the reason to slap ass in the middle of a game.”

Daichi flushed pleasantly over _boyfriend_ again, forgetting to reply.

“Daichi?”

“Hm?”

“No retort?”

“Ah…” Daichi cleared his throat. “Some innocent butt slapping sounds fine to me.”

Sugawara looked up at him.

“ _Seriously_?”

He sounded shocked, maybe a little scandalized at the idea of Daichi actually agreeing to his perversion.

“Well,” Daichi shrugged. “We’re boyfriends now.”

Sugawara was silent for a moment.

“… and?”

Daichi’s cheeks warmed. “And I wanna… do those things to you too.”

A groan burst from Sugawara’s mouth and Daichi jumped a little in surprise at its volume.

“Stop it!”

Daichi blinked down at him. “Stop _what_?”

Sugawara’s cheeks were bright red, and he refused to make eye contact, suddenly fixing his atrocious bedhead with his free hand.

“Suga,” Daichi said. “Stop what? Why do you look so—”

“I’m the one who is supposed to embarrass _you_!” Sugawara interrupted, still not meeting his eyes. “ _Ugh._ Stupid Daichi. Stay in your _lane_. I’m the bold one. You’re supposed to be the cute and bashful one who gets embarrassed by how forward and honest _I am_. Not the other way around!”

_That's the problem?_

“Hell no.” Daichi’s voice lowered and he stifled a grin. “You’re way too cute when you’re embarrassed.”

“ _Ugh! Stop it!_ ”

“Never.” Daichi pulled them to a halt and turned towards Sugawara, whose eyes flew wide. “I’m gonna be as bold as I want and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” He leaned forward.

“No!” Sugawara slipped his hand out of Daichi’s pocket and he bolted up the sidewalk in the direction of the park.

Daichi gaped after him for a few seconds before giving chase.

“ _Suga_ ,” he growled.

“I refuse to be the bashful one!” Sugawara said as he entered the park and immediately jumped onto the grass, carving a path through the trees. “I wanna be the one who makes dirty jokes and then teases you because you get shy and embarrassed and I wanna be a _power bottom_ and see your cute blushing face when I go down on you for the first time and—”

“ _Suga I’m gonna kill you if you keep yelling perverted stuff in public.”_

“Eh, are you feeling embarrassed?” Sugawara slowed momentarily, throwing a look over his shoulder. When he caught Daichi’s expression, he squeaked and sped up again, running a circle around the bench upon which they sat weeks ago when Daichi almost kissed him.

Daichi chased him through the swingset, pausing to see which direction he’d go next when he stopped on the other side of one of the swings and braced himself, panting hard.

“If… if this relationship… is gonna work… Daichi…” Sugawara wheezed, face flushed from the sudden exertion. “Then… you gotta be the… cute… and shy… one.”

“You’re being… ridiculous,” Daichi countered. “If I wanna… be bold… then I’m going… to be bold.”

“No! Not fair!” Sugawara flinched when Daichi made a tiny move forward. “I went practically my whole life being a depraved pervert and I won’t let my first official boyfriend turn me into a bashful little sub. Always like _yes Daddy, whatever you say Daddy, do whatever you want to do to me, Daddy._ ” Sugawara blinked. “Ah, actually, that sounds pretty good— _eep!_ ”

Daichi lunged forward and made a swipe for him, barely missing as Sugawara darted backwards and out of his reach. Sugawara giggled maniacally and turned to continue their game of chase.

And they really shouldn't be wasting time. They were supposed to be conserving their energy. They were supposed to be on their way to the school to board the bus that would be taking them to Tokyo for Nationals.

The captain should be the first on the bus, right?

Ahh... fuck it.

Today, Daichi wanted to be a boyfriend first, captain second.

“You’re blushing, Daichi!” Sugawara sang, voice laced with excitement.

“ _Shuddup_.”

Sugawara laughed and led him around and around a tree. “So that’s all I have to do then? Call you _Daddy_ and act submissive? _Daddy I’ve been a real bad boy, maybe you should spank me!_ ”

Daichi’s face burned and he jumped forward, finally getting a hand on the strap of Sugawara’s bag. He yanked and Sugawara jerked backwards with a yelp, arms flying up.

Daichi dragged him back and pushed him against the tree, pinning him against the trunk with his body. Before he could get another word in edgewise, Daichi silenced him with a kiss, their mingling breath bringing warmth back to their chilled lips and erasing the tomfoolery of their game.

When they parted, Daichi sighed and leaned their foreheads together, cold noses brushing against one another.

“I can’t believe I get to do that whenever I want,” he said.

Sugawara’s arms slowly circled his neck.

“Whenever?” he whispered back.

“Yeah…”

“Like… now?”

Daichi smiled and kissed him again, hands sliding around to his back and pulling him closer to his chest. Their tongues met and their breath turned short. All thoughts fled Daichi’s mind until there was nothing but Sugawara and the growing wave of heat in the pit of his stomach, telling him _hey_ , _just stay here like this all morning._

He didn’t realize tears had started falling until Sugawara pulled back and let out a cry.

“ _Ahh Daichi why are you crying?”_

Daichi sniffled and rubbed the wetness from one of his cheeks with the back of his hand, embarrassment growing and overtaking his arousal.

“What’s wrong?” Sugawara pressed, cupping Daichi’s face in his hands.

Daichi blinked rapidly, trying- and failing- to stop the tears from filling his vision and blinding him.

“I’m just…” he began, voice trembling. “Everything is so… _good_ right now and I feel so happy and I haven’t felt _this happy_ in so long and I’m nervous about Nationals but I’m also proud that we’re finally going and I get to go with _you_ and we’re _boyfriends_ and I get to kiss you anytime I want—”

“Our sensei are gonna get mad if we’re fooling around in the middle of class, but hey, if you insist—”

Daichi laughed and used the sleeve of his coat to wipe the tears away.

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah I do. Sawamura Daichi is a freaky dude who wants to make-out with his sexy boyfriend in the middle of biology.”

“Sexy? C’mon Suga, don’t be delusional.”

He released a scandalized gasp. “ _You said yourself that you find me sexy, you Bastard, don’t you dare take it back now, I’m going to cry—_ ”

Daichi kissed him silent, gripping his hips and pulling him closer. When Sugawara was breathless again, fingers knotted in Daichi’s hair and desperately trying to rub against him, Daichi ended the kiss and gazed into his hooded stare.

“You’re sexy,” he murmured.

Sugawara’s cheeks flushed pink and his lashes fluttered.

Daichi grinned. “And you’re cute when you get bashful—”

“Bastard! No fair!”

Daichi laughed and buried his face against the side of Sugawara’s neck.

“Ahh…” he breathed, forehead warm against Sugawara’s pulse. “I love you so much…”

A few moments passed before Daichi heard a sniffle. And then another. He leaned back to look at Sugawara.

Tears streamed down his red cheeks, his chin trembling.

Daichi let out a laugh and wiped his tears away.

“Oh c’mon,” he said.

“Don’t _oh c’mon_ me!” Sugawara wailed. “I deserve to cry! I’ve been in love with you for forever and I never thought I’d hear you say it back!”

“I know, I know…”

“Jerk. I even got rejected by you and I was so miserable—”

“I was miserable too!”

“Good! It was all your fault so you deserved to be miserable! Asshole. Douchebag.”

“Oh my god.” Daichi snorted and kissed him again. “I love you.”

Sugawara sniffled. “I love you too.”

They stayed there, holding each other tight for another minute before finally parting and continuing on their way to the school, hands clasped between them.

As they were nearing the school gate, the form of someone standing against the wall came into view.

“Is that Asahi?” Sugawara said, shielding his eyes despite there not being any light from the sky to interfere with his vision.

Daichi squinted. “I don’t think so… he doesn’t have a bag…”

“Ah, it’s Naoki!”

Daichi blinked.

What was he…

“Heyyy, Naoki,” Sugawara called, waving a hand over his head. “What are you doing out here?”

Nakatani straightened away from the wall, hands in the pockets of his green coat.

“What are you talking about? I live here.”

Sugawara snorted and punched his shoulder.

Nakatani grinned and looked at his and Daichi’s clasped hands. He lifted his eyes to Daichi and smiled.

Daichi looked away, suddenly embarrassed about being caught being lovey dovey with his…

_Boyfriend…_

Ahh... boyfriend...

Daichi would never get used to the giddy sensation the word gave him.

“I wanted to wish you guys luck,” Nakatani said, drawing Daichi’s attention once more. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a charm.

_Ah…_

Nakatani offered it to Daichi. “Here you go. I poured all my love into it.”

“I don’t want anything you stuck your dick inside,” Daichi retorted.

“I do,” Sugawara said, reaching for the charm.

Daichi snatched it before he could take it.

Nakatani laughed and shoved his hands back into his pockets. Sugawara tried to grab the charm from Daichi but he held it stubbornly out of his reach, high above their heads.

“You know…” Nakatani said after Daichi finally warded off Sugawara’s attack with a kiss pressed smartly to the corner of his mouth that left him with flushed cheeks and a giddy smile.

They turned to Nakatani again as his eyes moved slowly between them.

“At the risk of sounding totally cheesy…”

“Uh oh,” Sugawara muttered.

“I’m really proud of you guys.”

Daichi and Sugawara stared at him silently.

He gave them a crooked smile.

“And I’m not just talking about making it to Nationals.”

A wave of warmth washed over Daichi and moisture pinched in his eyes.

Damn Nakatani.

Getting sappy out of the blue like that… how dare he?

First Rikichi and now him?

Daichi couldn't escape.

“Chill, Naoki,” Sugawara said. “I haven’t sucked his dick yet.”

Nakatani clicked his tongue. “Never mind then. C’mon Sawamura. Be better.”

“I’ll fucking kill you.”

Nakatani let out a laugh and ruffled Daichi’s hair. Sugawara hugged him and he took a step back, hands in his pockets again.

“Good luck,” he said. “I’ll be watching you on TV so try not to fuck up. No pressure.” He winked and turned to leave.

Maybe Daichi had grown soft over the past two months, but he suddenly felt... _sentimental_. They weren't saying goodbye and he was sure he'd be seeing Nakatani's annoying face at school again when they returned from Tokyo to finish out the year, but with the weight of everything lifting from Daichi's shoulders over the past week, the veil that he had been stubbornly holding over his eyes had finally lifted with it and one thing in particular had become almost irritatingly clear to him.

He wouldn't have been able to do it without him.

Probably.

And he supposed that deserved... _something_.

“Hey, Nakatani,” Daichi called, giving him pause.

When he looked back over his shoulder, eyebrow cocked, Daichi gulped and said with as much sincerity as his pride allowed him to muster so early in the morning and for _Nakatani_ , of all people,

“Thanks.”

The corners of Nakatani’s eyes crinkled.

“Love you too, Bud.”

They watched him walk away, a slight bob to his steps.

“Suga…” Daichi said, voice low.

“Hm?”

“I…” he blinked. “I think that asshole is my best friend.”

Sugawara released a gasp and whirled to him. “ _What?_ ”

“No, no,” Daichi backtracked. “Other than you! You don’t count!”

“Why don’t I _count?_ All these years I’ve stayed by your side and—”

“You transcend beyond best friend!”

“Being your boyfriend doesn’t mean I want to lose my best friend status too! I can be both—”

“You’re different! You’re family—”

“ _I swear to god if you call me your brother again I’m going to start crying—”_

Daichi grabbed his face and yanked him close, cutting off his stream of complaints with a hard kiss to the mouth.

Too hard.

Daichi winced and pulled back, lips stinging.

“Sorry—”

“Ew Daichi, you’d kiss your brother on the mouth? How incestuous of you—”

Daichi kissed him again, softer this time.

“Shut up,” he whispered and kissed him once more. “You’re so annoying…”

Sugawara giggled. “I know.”

They finally parted, reluctantly, and made their way through the school gate, fingers twined together between them.

“It’s okay,” Sugawara said after a moment. “I support you and Naoki being best friends.”

Daichi snorted. “Thank you for your blessing.”

“So, how does it feel to know that your best friend and your boyfriend have made out before?”

Daichi stared straight ahead, irritation tightening his lips into a tense scowl.

"Never fucking mind. I hate that guy."

Sugawara laughed and bumped against him. “Hey since we’re on the topic, I also kissed Hayato in junior high! How does _that_ make you feel?”

Daichi clicked his tongue and tried to pry Sugawara’s fingers from his hand.

“Bastard,” he muttered. “I’ve changed my mind. Let’s break up.”

“Nooo!” Sugawara clenched his hand tighter. “Never! I finally sunk my claws into you. No way in hell am I letting you slip away again!”

Daichi’s annoyance flittered away and his scowl morphed into a pleased smile.

“Alright,” he said. “I’ll forgive you. Just this once.”

Sugawara was silent.

Then, “So I suppose you don’t want me to mention how many other people I’ve kissed over the years? I swear it's less than a hundred. Though barely.”

Daichi tried again to free his hand from Sugawara’s grasp and he laughed and fought against him, squeezing tighter until Daichi’s bones ached.

“Relax!” Sugawara demanded. “God, what does it matter? You’re the only one I’ve been in love with so just relax!”

Daichi stilled, meeting his eyes.

Sugawara’s cheeks flushed pink and his lashes fluttered. “Since the beginning and… until the end. You’ve been the only one.”

Daichi's heart strained and his eyes filled once again with tears.

“Corny,” he muttered before wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him in.

He pressed their lips together and ahhh…

He could do this any time he wanted… couldn’t he?

“Hey, hey, none of that!”

Or not.

Daichi and Sugawara broke away and turned their heads. Up ahead, the bus was parked and around it, their team gathered, watching their exchange with wide eyes. Ukai crossed his arms over his chest and glared at them, lips turned down in a firm scowl.

“The only thing that should be on your mind is volleyball,” he scolded. “Save that stuff for _after_ Nationals, please.”

Daichi and Sugawara called out their agreement, sheepishly parting and fixing their appearance.

"Uwoooahh Captain! You and Suga-san are a couple?" Hinata exclaimed, practically vibrating off of his feet.

Kageyama cocked his head to the side and stared at them curiously.

Tanaka cackled, hands on his hips. "And it's all thanks to me! That's right. Karasuno's designated matchmaker, right here! Who else wants my help?"

"He says, _single_ ," Ennoshita muttered on his way past him with Narita and Kinoshita chuckling at his side.

"You don't gotta say it like that!"

“Hurry up! We’re leaving soon!” Ukai barked and ushered Kiyoko and Yachi to the bus.

The rest of the team scampered to get their stuff with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Daichi wasn’t so sure Tsukishima was even conscious as Yamaguchi pulled him along behind him. Hinata and Kageyama were competing in the door, trying to beat the other into the vehicle and Asahi knelt on the ground to dig through his bag with an anxious expression, Nishinoya laughing beyond his shoulder.

And Ukai was right. For now… Daichi would think only of volleyball. Of playing the sport he loved with the team he cherished. He would think only of winning.

It was fine.

He looked over to Sugawara, who was straightening his hair, lips pursed in embarrassment.

After Nationals, Daichi would have plenty of time to let this boy rule his every thought.

He had all the time in the world.

A flush of familiarity hit Daichi as he realized where they were standing. The same place they had been standing just a couple months earlier when Sugawara had uttered the words that had turned Daichi’s entire life upside down.

“Suga.”

Sugawara met his gaze. “Hm?”

Daichi swallowed, turning his body to face him.

“Do it again,” he whispered. “I want a do-over.”

At first, Sugawara merely blinked at him in confusion. And then understanding slackened his features and he faced him as well.

“Daichi… I gotta tell you something,” he said, voice soft.

“Yeah?” Daichi’s heart was suddenly pounding in his chest. His palms had gone sweaty and his throat raw and dry.

“I wasn’t going to tell you until after graduation,” Sugawara continued, and Daichi remembered each and every word.

The ones he replayed in his mind over and over and over again for weeks, trying to make sense of them and the feelings they made stir in the pit of his stomach.

“But I can’t wait any longer.” Sugawara gulped. His eyes darted down Daichi’s face before meeting his gaze again. “I love you. More than a friend. I’m in love with you.”

They stared at each other in silence for long moments.

Finally, Daichi spoke.

“Sorry, I only see you as a brother.”

Sugawara’s eyes flew wide. “ _You son of a bitch—_ ”

He began pelting Daichi with punches and slaps and Daichi laughed and lifted his arms to protect his face from the wild blows. He pushed his hands out of the way and grabbed either side of Sugawara’s face, holding him still. Sugawara glared up at him, cheeks puffed indignantly and eyes flashing.

“I love you,” Daichi whispered. “I’m in love with you too.”

He kissed him, smoothing down Sugawara’s ruffled feathers.

“Hey! I said save it for after you win!” Ukai’s voice pulled them from their reverie yet again.

Daichi chuckled and released Sugawara.

“Osu,” they said and twined their fingers together.

“I love you,” Sugawara murmured again when they turned for the bus, filling Daichi’s chest with pleasant heat and spiking his veins with giddy electricity.

And there was something undeniably _breathtaking_ about receiving a confession of love from your best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uugghhh oh man i hate writing endings. they're so harrrrrd and i'm so baaaaaad at it. i'm so sorry this is so short! But i am a Bad Writer who Can't End Things.  
> So here we are!
> 
> Wow. It's over... it's really over.  
> How we feelin' fellas? I'm sorry I couldn't come up with a better ending and I hope you're satisfied with what we got.  
> Thank you all so much for sticking with me all the way to the end! Wow! I'm seriously blown away always and forever by all the support you show me. I couldn't have done it without you. You're all my Nakatani and I love you.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you had fun on this journey. Thank you so much for taking it with me. <3 I love and appreciate each and every one of you and I hope that you join me on whatever I do in the future as well <3333
> 
> [Just Another Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5KtCYJmWynfw5r4vYUZXNW?si=uLGKLM_xSWemYNAwMhFomQ)  
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)


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